KeepinItReal

I'm not sure what I should do. I want to tell him he can't come home. I want to tell him that he's showing me lack of commitment.
Right now I can do nothing but wait.
He said he will stay another two weeks at least but he "can't handle all the rules"

The program is tough. It's made to develop self control. I guess I fear that he doesn't have what it takes to quit heroin. What does it take anyway??

Am I naive to think that he would quit. Because he really wanted it.

I guess the only good take away from all of this (weather he quits, stays, doesn't quit, whatever) is that I have clear cut boundaries.

If I think he used or is using he's out. He's still in the program but if he thinks he has redeemed himself he's wrong.

Maybe is only real love is heroin, and that's exactly what I will think if he leaves. I will be waiting for him to mess up, kick him out, and deal with it.

If he stays less than 6 months I'm not going to let him come home. It's just not fair to me and the kids. It's only a matter of time he uses. Honestly... That's the real reason he wants to leave.

FeelingGreat

I don't have any personal experience, but from what I read it's a very hard drug to quit. I'm so sorry you're going through all this stress.
Have you explained to him that if he quits early he can't come home? Would it be worth asking him to keep those thoughts to himself as it's his decision? As long as he knows what's at stake.
The fact that he's staying another 2 weeks sounds hopeful; possibly by then he will be more committed to lasting the distance.

KeepinItReal

I wish he would keep those thoughts to himself.

I'm not ready to tell him, as I'm not sure if I will follow through with it.... Until he relapses.

I'm always thinking, this is it, he has stopped for good. So far, disappointment.

I know I'm sick of the cycle, and have learned a lot. I'm grateful for a lot.

Ann

It's quite common for residents of long term rehabs to talk about leaving, usually around the second week. Some do, making excuses such as "the counselors are terrible" or "the residents are all using there"...usually lies, I worked in a rehab for 2 years and know the ploy. Rehabs don't get into intense work until about 30 days because it often takes that long for a resident to be ready and settled enough to do the work. The first month is usually setting a recovery routine and meetings and group work,

Most, when not given the "okay" to leave by someone outside who will let them come home (moms, spouses and friends), will stay and see it through.

The good news is that once they get past this they tend to settle into the program and move forward.

You say if he leaves you don't want him to come home. I don't blame you. Maybe make a plan for what you will do if this happens, then park it away to use if you need it and move forward with your own life and recovery.

I hope he stays and all goes well right to the end.

Hugs

allforcnm

When my husband was in rehab (3months) he wanted to come home after the first few weeks, then he wanted to come home when he had about a month left to go. Both times he stayed, but I remember how scared I was especially the first time it happened.

We did talk about it. I tried listen to his reasons, some of it was trivial to me but I think to him it seemed real, logical, important... and also maybe a little ... he built it up to be important in order to give himself an out. I think it was scary for him being away from home and not having absolute control. I just tried to remind him why he was doing this, to think of the future he wanted, and also he made a commitment to do this and didn't he think he needed to honor it.

Also, I talked to his doctor and shared the info. Its something they were very familiar with, but it helped me when they verified it was a common threat. They told me how they worked to engage people in treatment and would do their best to help him change his mind

I hope your husband stays. I think its good he is at least postponing his decision; maybe he will change his mind, feel better physically, get more comfortable there. I don't know what I would have done had my husband left either... I know you have good boundaries in place - I think you just fall back on that .

Kindeyes

I volunteer at a rehab and this statement is really important. It's very common for them to make statements of not wanting to be there. Sometimes......they're just testing the waters to see if someone will breakdown and allow them to come home. And you'd be amazed at how often it works. My son used "I'm going to get kicked out so don't be surprised if that happens...there's too many rules......you can't breathe with breaking some rule." He never did get kicked out.

If you've set boundaries. Hold them. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.

I do understand how much their threats to leave can cause anxiety. My son did it every time but he was told firmly that, if he didn't complete the program, he could not come home. He completed every one he went through......and each one has had an impact on him. He knows what he needs to do, of that I'm quite certain. But it's up to him to do it.

It's good to talk about the anxiety you're feeling but don't get too caught up in dealing with something that hasn't happened. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

Keep taking care of you and the kids!

gentle hugs
ke

KeepinItReal

His "threat" was that if he puts in for his visiting pass and they deny him (in another week and a half) That he's leaving. He said he get's in trouble for everything and he gets assignments he doesn't have time to finish. Also, because other people don't follow the rules the whole room gets into trouble and it's not fair to him (13 other guys in his room).
Personally, I know that every 6 months he cycles into a binge... and it's been 6 months since his last one. So.... I have that feeling is addiction is lying to him. Telling him he needs to leave so he can use drugs.
What I really want to say... is ... if you leave I know you love your drugs more than you will ever love your family. As hurtful as that is... I know it to be true. From the past.
I'm disgusted at this point from that feeling. I love people more than I ever loved drugs.. but I was never on heroin. I never CHOSE to go down that road... because I knew how horrible the drug was from seeing others suffer first hand.
I guess i'm just back in a mourning period. Realizing that my family including him may never be able to be together... and i'm trying not to think that way.
I'm trying to focus on everything I can be thankful for without him. So no matter what... MY life will be okay because i'm NOT choosing drugs over my family.
I hope he stays.... and maybe me telling him that he cannot come live at home will be the push he needs to stay. However, until the counselors call or he flat out tells me... i'm leaving right now... i'm holding that card. I'm not saying it to anger him.. i'm saying it because I love him.. and I know, I know, I know.. that if he leaves at any point soon it's because he wants to use his drugs. (weather he realizes it or not).

AnvilheadII

he "sounds" like a 15 year old....too many ruuuules, everybody gets in trouble, it's not FAIRRRRRR. wah. if he can't hack it in a closed environment, how is he gonna handle it in the REAL WORLD? lordy, all he has to do is follow instructions!

must be tough for you.....just to see this playing out. you had such high hopes. all you can do is watch his actions. and hold firm to your boundaries.

KeepinItReal

Exactly!!!!

I am mentally getting myself ready for a disappointment that has not even happened yet... because of all the disappointment from the past.

I'm getting a lot better handling everything. I think accepting that if he quits as his choice is important... but he will have to understand that my choice of not trusting him is based on his constant bad choices. Hey, if he doesn't... then I might of overestimated his intelligence. :/

BlueChair

This brings back reminders of when I got the phone call mine was threatening to leave. It happened after he came home for the first visit after 30 days and used without my knowing it, then went back and he knew they would know but he didnt care. Your doing a lot better than I did, having never been through it before when I got that call I lost it on him and said a lot of things I regret. He stayed though, the doctor said people often think about leaving because its a constant battle going on inside to fight or flee. I would handle it different now because I still regret things I said, but I think my reaction scared him and in the end was maybe something he needed to see to understand how much all this had impacted me. Im sorry your going through it with him, but I like your approach of looking at all the good in your life and taking it day by day.

Lovenjoy

This is why I need SR. It sounds so simple yet I know it's not. Putting it in a nut shell like this let's me focus when dealing with RAS.

Sending strength and peace your way KeepingItReal. You can do this and make a better life for you and the kids. Sending prayers for your husband to choose wisely...

hopeful4

Yesterday we got in trouble at work because we were all being loud and causing disruption on our office. We ALL got in trouble for this as a group. In all fairness, some of us were being loud and disrupting others (I am in this group LOL...whoops), but there are several who were doing nothing wrong. They got the same scathing email I came into this morning.

My daughter who is in 2nd grade gets in trouble as a class quite often. Sometimes it's fair, sometimes it's not. Life is not fair. There will always be rules and if you don't follow them there will always be consequences that you may or may not deserve. That is how life works.

I think you have to figure out your own boundary and act accordingly. He is being given an opportunity to recover, only he can decide if he is going to do so or not. It is not something you can gamble on yourself. Your boundaries and your recovery have to be your own.

It is so hard, I know. I have been studying up on H and it's effects. It is awful and my heart truly goes out to you.

Protect yourself and your children and put their needs in front of his. They are the children, not him.

God Bless.

KeepinItReal

If he chooses he doesn't want this opportunity I will extremely disappointed. I would love to see the best outcome but am realistic enough to prepare for the worst outcome.

My kids always come first. Before myself, before him.

Last night one of my friends came over and set up our octogon fish tank with everything we will need. It's getting a really fancy LED light ordered for it today that will show different colors, lightening... it's going to be awesome. The kids are excited. The tank has to sit with water in it for at least two weeks before we buy fish. We will be getting an assortment of african cichlids.

Life will go on with/without him.

Just venting

eggdogg1234

My ex went to rehab a handful of times when we were together. I have received the dreaded "I'm leaving" call. Nothing fun or good about it. The first few times I actually helped her out because I thought "if she is going to leave, she would be better off at home than somewhere else."

Her life was falling apart, my life was falling apart....but "councilor X won't let me get candy and cig at the store, so I need to leave this place." And would drive over to pick her up, because I was afraid that if I didn't she would do something bad.

Good luck. Do your best to place your needs first. Be kind to yourself.

Kindeyes

So true......getting in trouble as a group has been a part of life for most people. It is simply utilizing peer pressure. And if we think about it, peer pressure is a big part of what got them where they are (friends suggesting that they just take this pill or that pill or take a toke or whatever....try it you'll like it). Peer pressure may be pretty effective in keeping them in line in the rehabs too.

I LOVE fish tanks! It sounds beautiful.....I could sit and just "be" while watching a fish tank for hours!!

gentle hugs
ke