unsureoffuture

I feel bad that I lost it last night with AH. He is not in any recovery program and continues to binge drink every few days on a regular basis. I am in the process of filing for divorce although he doesnt know it yet.

Anyhow recently when he is drinking and even not, he gets very selfish. He'll be doing something on the computer (his laptop) that he places in the dining room or watching tv in the family room and the kids will make the slightest noise and over and over again he will tell them to be quiet. It is so frustrating because he recently lost his job and is home all day alone. He can do these things for at least 9 hours maybe longer when we are not home. The kids and I are home for maybe 1-2 hours of actual awake time a day. It's very selfish to expect that no one talk to each other or make a noise in the "family" area when he is doing something. UGHH. So last night I just lost it and snapped at him very angrily. I told him (well yelled) he should go upstairs or in another room if he didnt want to hear us talk.

I think I have such built up anger and resentment towards him that it just all comes out. I keep trying to focus on me but the compassion is just not there yet. I feel bad that I reacted with such anger and I dont know how to change that. Any advice?

Stung

Honestly, I don't know how people can really detach when they're angry and when they live with someone that pisses them off regularly.

For me, detaching just means that I don't allow my husband's moods (or anyone's for that matter) to dictate my own. If he is making you mad, that's healthy and normal to express it, IMHO.

CodeJob

When my RAH was job hunting, he was moody son of gun. It was all about him. None of the rest of the family was suffering or stressed with situation. Just him. We were happy singing Brady Brunch songs and wearing happy smiles every day. We took our plastic bags to Aldi's and loved cutting back on our lifestyle so much.

He's being a drama wuss. Just tell him looking for a new job is his full time gig. When everyone gets up for work and school, he has HOURS of quiet time to apply for jobs. Get it done then buddy. If he wants quiet time with laptop during 2-3 hours of family time - he kindly needs to move out of family areas. Do you have a spare bedroom, basement, or even a local library??

Compassion is a heck of a lot easier once you have some distance so don't be too hard on yourself.

fedup3

The compassion didn't come until we were divorced. Mine would do just about what you described your husband was doing with the noise, no job, wanting silence, ugh. I would like to say I handled it with complete detachment but I certainly did not, in fact it was like someone was constantly poking me in the eye that after awhile I would just lose it! Once you are removed from it you can look at it so differently than when it's right in your face.

9111111

You have been through a lot. Detaching with compassion started for me when I started to have compassion for myself again.

m1k3

To be honest, when I first moved out I was detaching with RAGE! and it took me a long time to back it down. Right now I'm detached with indifference.

Your friend,

JustAGirl1971

My STBXAH use to do this, too. Either that, or he'd turn the volume on the tv so high that we couldn't hear each other if we did talk. Now he has his apartment all to himself where it's nice and quiet and the kids & I are free to talk as loudly and often as we like

OY, I'm not quite at the detachment with compassion stage yet. I agree, it's not until the relationship is ending or you're in different physical locations that the compassion kicks in (at least for me.)

HikerLady

I had a boatload of practice with it already, it just took me a lil while to do it fulltime with the AH, as I learned to do hardcore with my bpd mother when she was dx'd with Alzheimers. The Alzheimers kicked the bpd in high gear, where she once had a minimal filter she grew to have no filter and didn't just twist and confuse memories and accusations, but actually melded them together in some pretty messed up rants. It got very bad and was a miracle that all three of us kids stuck it out with her when everyone else backed away (her grandchildren, surviving siblings, friends) in fear and anger at her. We had to detach and accept her as is. Alcoholism is a bit tougher in that the A can get help,easier to build up resentment, they still have a choice, but the detachment is the same

That said I can tell you our marriage is not the norm and probably never will be as long as we stay together and he doesn't seek to change. Meanwhile I work on being a happy, healed individual. I have no desire to be in another relationship now or in the future. It just is what it is and I try my best to not qualify or slap a label on it.

BlueSkies1

Honestly...I don't know why you should feel badly that you reacted to an unreasonable demand with a natural response.
Why should you train yourself to react unnaturally?
It's not like you were illogical with the suggestion that he go into another room if he doesn't want to hear normal children making normal sounds.
Yeah, you yelled it. Maybe he needed that, because he's apparently become sensitive to normal sounds and needs to be rehabilitated.

So he's alone all day with the quiet and expects that to continue after normal sound-making children come home for the day? What is that--some old saying "children should be seen and not heard"? I do believe that has long gone by the wayside. It was abusive to start with.
Either that or he's miserable and expects that everyone else in the house must share in that misery and be miserable too, so no making happy sounds allowed. Not fair.

If you're planning a divorce, then I imagine detaching from his stuff will become much easier once removed from his constant presence.

HopefulinFLA

I agree with stung, but also if he's acting badly you really should call him on it. No one should have to quietly accommodate someone's bad behavior. He needs to know and you need to be heard.