Mrrryah1

[B]Somebody came up to me after I shared this in a meeting, and told me what I was describing was called a "spiritual experience". I would have never classified it as such, but thought it was kind of neat to hear that

I've struggled with the cycle of addiction for many many years and I have been half heartedly attempting to get sober for the last 7 years. I've been in and out of AA, treatment centres…. I have put some months of sobriety together here and there, but always end up going back to the drink.

I've always struggled with this thought that I want to be a "normal drinker". That is why I keep trying to control my drinking. I try switching types of alcohol, never drinking alone, only drinking on weekends, limiting the # of drinks I take, etc. etc…. and sometimes, for a brief period, due to willpower, I will succeed in some way for a short period of time. (Ie. limit my drinking to weekends for a month… but still drinking excessively every time I pick up). But during that period of "controlled drinking" I am always consumed with depression and shame and guilt and misery. Problems still come up in my life. Eventually I end up back in the rooms, back in AA, trying again. But I still, always insist, that I just want to be a "normal drinker" SOOOO BADLY.

A friend actually posed the question to me the other day - "Do you actually want to be a normal drinker though? Think about it. It would feel different."…

So here's the thing. From what I've been told about "normal drinkers" alcohol affects them differently. When they have a drink or two, they start to feel a bit dizzy and a bit woozy. A bit silly. But after a certain point, it becomes uncomfortable. They get sleepy, they don't want more, they want to stop.

For ME - the anticipation prior to taking that first glass of wine is orgasmic. I think about it all day beforehand, or possibly for days, depending on the circumstance. I love going into the liquor store beforehand. I love cracking that first beer or corking that first bottle of wine. And then - most of all - I love when it finally touches my lips. I feel like I've been wrapped in a warm blanket. I usually slam the first couple to get a buzz on - because come on - what's the point of drinking without a buzz. I enjoy every minute of those first few drinks. So much so that it becomes impossible to resist taking MORE and MORE drinks, because my brain tells me that if a few feels THIS good - then more can only feel better - right??? And then, I usually black out and bad things happen and I wake up with shame, remose, guilt, embarrasment, or in the hospital or something along those lines.

A normal drinker doesn't experience any of that.

I started to imagine myself as a normal drinker. Not craving alcohol, not obsessing about it, not getting the same feeling from drinking it. Getting woozy/dizzy and wanting to stop after one or two because it was uncomfortable.

And it actually SCARED me! I don't want that at all. That sounds awful. I wouldn't have alcohol as my solution to life - I wouldn't experience the rush or the excitement or the feelings that I do now. All of that would be non-existant. And not only that - but I wouldn’t' have AA as a solution to life either. I would literally have no solution - no alcohol and no AA. I'd just be living without any of it, flailing around, unconcious of 12 step programs that teach me how to be a better person, completely not self-aware as I am today, without my support group and sober friends that I'd made.

And it hit me. I don't want to be a normal drinker at all. What I ACTUALLY want is to be an alcoholic as I am, but able to drink as much as I want, as frequently as I want, with no consequences whatsoever.

So the kicker is - I am able to accept that this is not possible. I am able to accept that I cannot be an alcoholic who drinks with no control and faces no reprecussions. That makes sense to me. I get it. No problem.

I was NOT able to accept that I could not be a "normal drinker". But I AM able to accept this new thing.

Once I realized that I don't even want to be a normal drinker - at all - I let something go & I feel able to move on and deal with my alcoholism as I am supposed to.

Spiritual awakening? Who knows. But it was a pretty cool realization in my own life & recovery.

least

It sounds like you've got a good grip on the problem and are solving it. Whether that's a spiritual experience or not, it's a good thing.

AuntieSoso

That's quite a revelation and something to think about . . . love those a-ha moments!

2bhappier

Very interesting post. I always think I would keep drinking if I didn't feel so badly about myself for doing so. It seems like some people can be very heavy drinkers, maybe alcoholics even, but feel no guilt, shame, or remorse. Sometimes I wish I were like that. But I am not. Your post gave me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Dee74

That realisation was the turning point for me mrrryah

D

freshstart57

I think most of us who have quit drinking come to this acceptance too. Spiritual? If you must. For me, it was simply seeing a way forward, rationally.

Tamerua

I love epiphanies!

SevenNuts

I had an ah ha moment when I stopped fooling myself that I WANTED and COULD drink like a normal person. I WANT to get blasted. That's how I want to use. I gave up the futility of trying to control that which I can't and don't want to. I felt relief. No more misery (mostly), just the clear decision to either drink and get totaled, or not touch it tonight. Just no more controlling. I still get triggered though. Pass a bar and the madness is ignited. Nope, just drive home.

caboblanco

if you have a spiritual experience..you will know and you won't need somebody to tell you you had one

Imabuleva

That's a great point, and definitely something to think about.

Imabuleva

It has become obvious to me as I've tried to stop drinking that I drink to get ****ed up, not to have "a few." Getting wasted daily isn't a sustainable habit. Drinking a couple nightly isn't a fun habit (for me, because I'm an alcoholic). I may as well just abstain and keep a clear head.

gleefan

That is a very interesting way of looking at it.

1newcreation

Very interesting & nice post. Identified w/ a lot stated & thanks a lot coz thats what I used to think. Hence why I should stay sober coz aa saved my life! I've gone back out too & as its said in the program it's a progressive disease;so last time waking up w/o hangovers & having 1st blackout will not be compared to next time. Scares me to death plus tired of the consequences. It's fantasy land to me thinking 1 day will get to pick up & nthg happen: all I have to do is listen to newcomers @ mtgs or read whats shared on here
Best wishes

deeker

Mrrryah1 I think many of us have felt that way. Personally I don't think I ever would have done a self examination had I not been alcoholic/addict and I myself would still be living a life based on self whether I was drinking or not.

I think that's why we hear people say I am a grateful alcoholic, because the 12 steps opens our eyes to who we are and what makes us tick. I never looked at mental, emotional and spiritual growth as a goal before.

Whatever people call it , 12 steps or just a self examination it is something we do when we have hit a bottom in drinking or drugging or when we face any life changing event.

I know I would still be the same person at 30 as I am now at 52 if I was not an alcoholic and an addict. Probably have the same values or lack of.
Living a life filled with pride.

Many of us came close to death and we start realizing what is important in life and it isn't stuff, or job titles. It's having peace and contentment and being comfortable in our own skins.

I'm not sure if you get what I am saying. But I am grateful for the things I have learned about myself since hitting bottom. Things I would never have learned or cared about if I were a normal drinker. I realized my need for God.

awuh1

There truly are vast differences in the types of spiritual experiences that people can have. Whether it was or was not, is for you alone to judge.

Threshold

It's normal to not drink.

I know a lot of totally normal people who don't drink.

Doing something that is obviously bad for us and is messing up our lives is abnormal. That's not what a healthy person does.

I have some allergies. I have bad reactions and experiences when I try to pretend that I won't react badly to eating a certain food or using a certain product on my body. I can say "oh, but I want to be normal and be able to eat that food" and eat it, and suffer the consequences.

Or I can say "it's normal to stay away from things that are bad/dangerous to me" and choose to act normally.

I cannot live a normal life when I am drinking, using drugs, or eating foods that leave me desprately ill. So I don't do those things any more.

If I find myself defining "normal" by how much a person can eat or drink a particular thing, that is usually a sign that I have a very abnormal perspective on something.