keep going back to it
New 2 all this
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: kingman
Posts: 4
keep going back to it 
this is my second time around,i was clean for about 3 years then one day thought hey i've been clean long enugh i can control it and only use from time to time,well it worked only for a little while before i knew it i was right back to where i had left off.sick of it and everything that came with it and no hope in sight.got arrested put in jail thank god it was my chance the hope i had thought was gone.felt great loved it and of course my boyfriend(with whom i have a child) felt betrayed and lost all trust he had because i been bold faced lying to him for almost 2 years.reluctantly he does not kick me to the curb,because i tell him i'm sorry and i really want to get clean and stay clean.and here i am 3 months into it and i'm using again.the fact that i do want to be clean (somewhere inside of me is yelling at me dont do this ) and the fact of possibally losing my child my relationship(i do love him and am in love with him and dont want to loose him really) my home and everything that i have that means anything to me does not seem to matter somhow.i dont get it i have the desire to stop and i have admitted i am powerless over this and i am trying the na and have the sponcer.so what the hell is wrong with my twisted thinking??anybody with any advice or anything please
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: casablanca
Posts: 282
There's nothing wrong with you. for what it's worth I'm going through a depression right now with my head playing tricks on me. I am white knuckling it and I shouldn't be. I guess our brain is still trying to adapt to a sober life. Once I relapse it's like going to square one emotinally, physically and psychologically.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by azgirl76 
what the hell is wrong with my twisted thinking??
Admitting you are powerless and getting a sponsor will not remove craving for the drug. You have to starve that away and it will take time.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family. 
You'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 170
I can't tell you how many times I've been where you are right now. This time around my addiction is with alcohol. In 2003 it was Meth. Ironically I am having a hard time with alcohol than I did with meth. It's too accessible. I don't know about you, but I am driven to drink when I start to feel negative emotions. Talk to your sponsor, they have ways of turning our strange thinking around. Watch for your triggers. What makes you want to use? What are you thinking when you do? But definitely talk to yous sponsor. Hang in there.
Survivor
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 13
I only relapsed for a couple weeks after staying clean 5 months, and I already I have to go thru all the ******** again too, depression is the worse,, I have a lot of crazy thoughts going on, and sometimes I just want to give up, but here I am at day 4 ,, I feel okay but the bordem is crazy, I am in need of some hobbies, everytime I get laid off at work I relapse, its crazy, I do need to get back into the meetings I must say ..
New 2 all this
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: kingman
Posts: 4
oops i noticed i messed up and didnt put some words inthere
Originally Posted by azgirl76
this is my second time around,i was clean for about 3 years then one day thought hey i've been clean long enugh i can control it and only use from time to time,well it worked only for a little while before i knew it i was right back to where i had left off.sick of it and everything that came with it and no hope in sight.got arrested put in jail thank god it was my chance the hope i had thought was gone.felt great loved it and of course my boyfriend(with whom i have a child) felt betrayed and lost all trust he had because i been bold faced lying to him for almost 2 years.reluctantly he does not kick me to the curb,because i tell him i'm sorry and i really want to get clean and stay clean.and here i am 3 months into it and i'm wanting to go back to using again and the fact that i do want to be clean (somewhere inside of me is yelling at me dont do this ) and the fact of possibally losing my child my relationship(i do love him and am in love with him and dont want to loose him really) my home and everything that i have that means anything to me does not seem to matter somhow.i dont get it i have the desire to stop and i have admitted i am powerless over this and i am trying the na and have the sponcer.so what the hell is wrong with my twisted thinking??anybody with any advice or anything please
RaleighSoxFan
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 105
I relapsed after a year in 2011. I thought I could drink responsibly. Now I know moderation doesn't work for me. Dont feel guilty about relapsing. Most ppl do. Just learn from your mistake. I fully am comfortable with the notion I can't drink ever again. I was darn close to killing myself the last 6 months. You can do this! Don't allow the addict in you to tell you that its not possible for you to stay sober. Many people overcome addiction for good, you can as well. Don't let the bottle lie to you anymore
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