freethinking

Just feeling massively depressed today and wanted to write down my thoughts somewhere...thought this would be the right board since I am on day 3.

This is no new revelation, but I truly think for me my drinking is directly tied to my depression. Living in the northeast, February has always been the most brutal month of the year for me (and the month where I usually binge)...and this has felt like the winter that will just not quit. Supposed to get more snow and ice on Sunday. Ugh.

While I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for, I just feel miserable. I am on the highest dose possible of Wellbutrin and have been on probably every AD out there. I am lucky in that I get to stay home with my kids, but also feel incredibly isolated and lonely (especially with a 1 year old). I miss talking to adults during the day. My kids are at an age range where I don't have a real block of time during the day where I can get out, because before I know it I have to pick up my middle one from preschool, or have to stay home for my youngest's nap, or have to be home for when my oldest returns from school. All I do is clean, make meals, do laundry - it's so unfulfilling. I could go back to work, but I simply don't have the heart to put my youngest in daycare. I don't want to miss these years, but I just hate feeling "stuck" too.

Today, I am not drinking...but wow is it clear why I like to turn to some sort of substance, especially during the winter months. I just hate feeling like this. I hate this winter. I hate today. I can't believe there is another day of this work week that I have to muddle through.

alphaomega

Good old day three.

That so and so used to knock me off my feet. So sad, lethargic, crabby, despondent, frustrated and so so SO very very depressed.

Get through today and know in your heart, tomorrow will be better. Every day away from the last drink after, say, day 5, gets better and better.

Sending good thoughts..

Raider

I'm sorry. I can feel your pain and sadness. Prayers to you.

rove27

Hi freethinking, I can totally relate. I am a stay at home mom of a two year old, the cooking, cleaning etc can be unfulfilling, but it sounds like you may be suffering from depression and the medicine may not be fully working. When your depressed every little thing seems like a huge problem. I have had depresssion for years and Effexor was the only medicine that worked for me. Keep in mind that drinking worsens depression. Give yourself a few days, you are only on day three. Give your brain a chance to recover and live without the stimulation of alcohol. In time your brain will recover and you should start to see the sun! It does not help that we have had a brutal winter in the northeast.....Wishing you the best....

2bhappier

You are not alone! I have clinical depression and have been on one AD or another (or 2 or 3 at the same time) since I was 16 years old (32 years of ADs!). Depression is such a challenge and people who don't experience it are truly fortunate.

I do feel worse in terms of my depression when I drink. I live in sunny Colorado but I live in a very remote, rural part that snows all winter (basically September - May) and is COLD. The weather definitely impacts my moods.

I hope you find support here. I've been in and out of counseling and it does help to some degree. I have a child but I work full time. I love my daughter but I can't imagine being home with her all day, day in and day out, without adult company. It is hard.

It is not surprising to me why so many moms drink. I am one of them, hopefully on the road to recovery.

Admiral

I think that there is a reason why AA deals with resentment in several of the 12 steps. Resentment is just a fancy word for anger, and if anger is turned inward then it becomes depression. Depression is probably a pretty big reason that a lot of people drink, so it's important to address the problem in its entirety.

Where do you think your negative thoughts are coming from?

least

The first couple weeks can be rough. Hang in there. It will get better.

Bruce292

This is exactly how I feel in the Winter. I'm also in the Northeast and it has felt like the longest Winter ever. I realized this Winter how much I used to self medicate my depression this time of year. This is my first sober Winter in ... well ... forever and it's been tough. I totally sympathize with what you're dealing with.

Hang in there and congratulations on day 3. Winter will end eventually

HeadLump

Here to support you

Wastinglife

Alcohol abuse and depression have been a little like the 'chicken or the egg' argument for me. I am not sure which came first but they both fed into each other.

Hevyn

Freethinking - I think most of us are fed up with this winter. (We're supposed to have windchills tonight of 25 below - really?) With you being only on Day 3 your feelings are understandable. Everything's going to get better - hold on tight to the thoughts of a brighter day.

By the way - we turn the clocks forward on March 9, just 10 days from now - that should help a little.

Coldfusion

Freethinking, alcohol not only acts as a depressant, it also flushes the anti-depressant out of your body. Until you have completely detoxed, you will not really feel the effects of your anti-depressant. All the time you have been drinking, your anti-depressants didn't work properly.

You really have to give all these processes plenty of time.

rove27

Coldfusion I have to agree with this, since I quit drinking my antidepressants started to really work after a couple of weeks. I did not realize how depressed I was while drinking, I would just drink more to feel better. It was a vicious cycle.

Dan Dare

I don't think I've ever felt this "stuck".
I'm right here with you.
I keep telling myself something has gotta give.
Hang in....

Dee74

FT what coldfusdion said is very true. Give it a little time, keep working on that recovery, and I think you'll feel better.

Same applies to you Dan - keep shoring up on that recovery work, and you'll get through

D

dax501

I did not know this *off to google*

Freethinking, I could have written your post too. The sheer monotony of being a stay at home mom is overwhelming at times. How many times can one wash dishes in a day? It's maddening. We should make a sahm sober group!

Dee74

There is a moms thread

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-8-a-8.html

Dollyangel17

Hi Freethinking. Sorry you are struggling a bit. I know how you feel too...well a little anyway. I am not a stay at home mom, but my husband works nights and weekends, so it's just me handling the stress of cooking, cleaning, weekend activities etc. I get zero adult leisure time. The only adult interaction I get is at work. It would be so nice to unwind with a friend, or just even go clothes shopping alone.

Hang in there, and we miss you over in the moms thread! They were asking about you earlier today wondering how you are.

We are here for you!

Threshold

Sorry you are feeling so depressed Free, but SO glad to see you on the board and posting.

I have SAD too, Winter feels almost like prison to me. It's real and can be suffocating, and steals the regular joy of life right out from under me.

Booze IS a depressant, so in the long run it doesn't help and it messes with meds and can nullify any good they might do us.

For some people that get winter depression the use of full spectrum lights, and/or a Vitamin D supplement (the sort that a Dr prescribes after a blood work up) can do wonders. It is well worth a visit to the dr to see if this might help your situation.

Feb can be dead brutal...and I know winter in your neck of the woods has been crazy bad this year.

Keep posting, see about those lights, talk to a dr. Stay sober so your AD meds can work. Big hugs. I remember the days of little kids/toddlers, Northern winters and the mental madness all too well.