What I learned and what I need - my letter to Abf - long :)
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
What I learned and what I need - my letter to Abf - long :)
Wish me luck...I need to end things completely with Abf and it's not going to be easy for me. I've been working diligently trying to get my thoughts in order. I want to share this with him because I feel it's important for him to see why being with someone who abuses alcohol doesn't work for me and how I got there. He's the type of guy whose intelligent and communicates and will appreciate it. Or, at least so I think 
I grew up with a mom who was loving, caring and affectionate, but who was also emotionally unstable.
I learned at an early age that pleasing my mom made her happy and I associated being good with being loved.
I learned that if I made her mad about something, she could take that love away. She could hold on to it and refuse to give it back to me. I learned to beg for forgiveness.
I learned to do whatever it took to win her love back. I learned that I could say one thing one day and it wouldn’t make her mad, but the next day it could. So, I tried to keep the peace. I tried to watch what I said to her so she wouldn’t get mad. But, I was never really successful at doing it because it all depended on her mood.
I learned to deal with the chaos of someone who could be happy and laughing one minute and angry and yelling the next
.
I learned how to be responsible. Because, she needed me to take care of things. That’s how I was valuable. That’s how I could be sure she’d always love me. If I was making things better for her, she’d never take her love away.
I learned how to shrink into the background. Her insecurities demanded she have the limelight. She had a strong and vibrant personality and I couldn’t compete with it. My job was to be the quiet one while she took center stage.
Yet, she wanted me to be outgoing. She wanted me to be the little star she never was – but I was too shy to go there
.
I learned that if I was around those with lesser personalities, mine could come out. I could be that vibrant person under the right circumstances.
I learned that my value in my family came from being the smarter one. The fix-it one. The person who got things done. It was always my role to provide solutions. To take care of things. I don’t know that they gave me that role as much as I found where I could be needed and appreciated and took it on myself.
I learned that by being that person, my mother would acknowledge me with her approval. I constantly strived for her approval.
I learned how to react to tense situations. Conflict. You had to just do what you needed to do to either avoid it or learn how to be soothing and calm.
I learned that I had to give out a reaction that didn’t necessarily match with my emotions. I had to forget what I was really feeling and play the role of everything was okay. That this gift I’ve been given is great. I had to be thankful for the thoughtfulness and energy spent choosing something for me.
I learned that I needed to behave in a certain way to illicit the right response. (In order to be sure I didn’t show my mom I was disappointed, I would open my Christmas gifts ahead of time so my true reactions could be hidden and I wasn’t surprised in front of her.)
I learned to lie. Lie about my true feelings, my reactions, my thoughts. Everything I really felt wasn’t allowed out there.
I learned that you had to give to people, even though they didn’t give back to you. That even though you felt used and no one appreciated you, in order for you to have value you need to keep giving. Selfless giving ensured people needed you.
I learned that she needed constant words of appreciation, compliments, acknowledged for all she did. Yet, I was a child and needed these things myself. I didn’t know how to give them to her. I didn’t really learn how to do that because I wasn’t getting it myself
.
I learned that very strong emotions are uncontrollable. That they can rule you. They can make you blow up one minute and be happy the next. Emotions were a roller coaster ride you rode and hung on to for dear life. Even though it was slightly offset by an unemotional father, the emotions I had were strong and I often felt I couldn’t control the actions that came from them.
I learned that my needs could be placed on the back burner. I learned it was my responsibility to keep the peace, make sure everyone was happy and to help them with their lives. I never asked anyone to help me with my problems. I dealt with them on my own, because I didn’t think I was important enough for people to have to help me. And, I needed to be strong. I never wanted to be weak…because that’s what I associated my mom with.
All these traits – the emotional roller coaster, chaos, conflict, confusion, stepping back, having to be responsible, hiding feelings and emotions – are all traits of children with alcoholic parents.
Although my mother didn’t drink – her emotional state of mind was similar to someone who abuses alcohol.
I continue to put myself in situations/relationships with people who put me in a place where I’m comfortable and I know.
I have needs that I have never asked anyone to meet.
I just deal with it and take care of them. I don’t know how else to be.
ABF,
You give me the love and affection I need more than anything else. When you hold me, it fills the big void I’ve had for a really long time. I feel safe and warm in your arms. It overpowers me to the point I have a hard time being without it.
You bring fun, laughter, and love to my life. I love being with you, being around you, talking to you.
You fill my need for companionship, honesty, loyalty, and communication.
We have a great, easy going relationship that I cherish and appreciate.
All those are wonderful needs to have someone fulfill in a relationship. But, you also fill the co-dependent need I have as well. And, that’s the one that is dangerous to my well-being.
I give up my needs so yours can get filled. I give way more than I ever ask for back. I subject myself to the highs and lows of drinking because it’s what I know. I accept who you are, yet I damage myself in the process. There is no stability there for me. No security in your love. ‘Always afraid I’ll say something to make you stop loving me and walk away from me’.
You’ve shown me your love, and you’ve taken it away. Then you bring it back, then you aren’t sure, then you take it away again. That is confusing and harmful to me.
I need to know that somebody wants and desires to be with me. I need someone who is capable of handling things in their life – so I’m not being co-dependent and taking on their problems as well as my own.
I have tried to accept you for who you are without any thought of what it does to me. I'm at a crucial point right now where I need to change these old thought patterns. I NEED to realize what it is that's right for me, so I can be healthy and well.
I need your love but not at the expense of my own well being.
I love you ABF and wish healing for the both of us.
I grew up with a mom who was loving, caring and affectionate, but who was also emotionally unstable.
I learned at an early age that pleasing my mom made her happy and I associated being good with being loved.
I learned that if I made her mad about something, she could take that love away. She could hold on to it and refuse to give it back to me. I learned to beg for forgiveness.
I learned to do whatever it took to win her love back. I learned that I could say one thing one day and it wouldn’t make her mad, but the next day it could. So, I tried to keep the peace. I tried to watch what I said to her so she wouldn’t get mad. But, I was never really successful at doing it because it all depended on her mood.
I learned to deal with the chaos of someone who could be happy and laughing one minute and angry and yelling the next
.
I learned how to be responsible. Because, she needed me to take care of things. That’s how I was valuable. That’s how I could be sure she’d always love me. If I was making things better for her, she’d never take her love away.
I learned how to shrink into the background. Her insecurities demanded she have the limelight. She had a strong and vibrant personality and I couldn’t compete with it. My job was to be the quiet one while she took center stage.
Yet, she wanted me to be outgoing. She wanted me to be the little star she never was – but I was too shy to go there
.
I learned that if I was around those with lesser personalities, mine could come out. I could be that vibrant person under the right circumstances.
I learned that my value in my family came from being the smarter one. The fix-it one. The person who got things done. It was always my role to provide solutions. To take care of things. I don’t know that they gave me that role as much as I found where I could be needed and appreciated and took it on myself.
I learned that by being that person, my mother would acknowledge me with her approval. I constantly strived for her approval.
I learned how to react to tense situations. Conflict. You had to just do what you needed to do to either avoid it or learn how to be soothing and calm.
I learned that I had to give out a reaction that didn’t necessarily match with my emotions. I had to forget what I was really feeling and play the role of everything was okay. That this gift I’ve been given is great. I had to be thankful for the thoughtfulness and energy spent choosing something for me.
I learned that I needed to behave in a certain way to illicit the right response. (In order to be sure I didn’t show my mom I was disappointed, I would open my Christmas gifts ahead of time so my true reactions could be hidden and I wasn’t surprised in front of her.)
I learned to lie. Lie about my true feelings, my reactions, my thoughts. Everything I really felt wasn’t allowed out there.
I learned that you had to give to people, even though they didn’t give back to you. That even though you felt used and no one appreciated you, in order for you to have value you need to keep giving. Selfless giving ensured people needed you.
I learned that she needed constant words of appreciation, compliments, acknowledged for all she did. Yet, I was a child and needed these things myself. I didn’t know how to give them to her. I didn’t really learn how to do that because I wasn’t getting it myself
.
I learned that very strong emotions are uncontrollable. That they can rule you. They can make you blow up one minute and be happy the next. Emotions were a roller coaster ride you rode and hung on to for dear life. Even though it was slightly offset by an unemotional father, the emotions I had were strong and I often felt I couldn’t control the actions that came from them.
I learned that my needs could be placed on the back burner. I learned it was my responsibility to keep the peace, make sure everyone was happy and to help them with their lives. I never asked anyone to help me with my problems. I dealt with them on my own, because I didn’t think I was important enough for people to have to help me. And, I needed to be strong. I never wanted to be weak…because that’s what I associated my mom with.
All these traits – the emotional roller coaster, chaos, conflict, confusion, stepping back, having to be responsible, hiding feelings and emotions – are all traits of children with alcoholic parents.
Although my mother didn’t drink – her emotional state of mind was similar to someone who abuses alcohol.
I continue to put myself in situations/relationships with people who put me in a place where I’m comfortable and I know.
I have needs that I have never asked anyone to meet.
I just deal with it and take care of them. I don’t know how else to be.
ABF,
You give me the love and affection I need more than anything else. When you hold me, it fills the big void I’ve had for a really long time. I feel safe and warm in your arms. It overpowers me to the point I have a hard time being without it.
You bring fun, laughter, and love to my life. I love being with you, being around you, talking to you.
You fill my need for companionship, honesty, loyalty, and communication.
We have a great, easy going relationship that I cherish and appreciate.
All those are wonderful needs to have someone fulfill in a relationship. But, you also fill the co-dependent need I have as well. And, that’s the one that is dangerous to my well-being.
I give up my needs so yours can get filled. I give way more than I ever ask for back. I subject myself to the highs and lows of drinking because it’s what I know. I accept who you are, yet I damage myself in the process. There is no stability there for me. No security in your love. ‘Always afraid I’ll say something to make you stop loving me and walk away from me’.
You’ve shown me your love, and you’ve taken it away. Then you bring it back, then you aren’t sure, then you take it away again. That is confusing and harmful to me.
I need to know that somebody wants and desires to be with me. I need someone who is capable of handling things in their life – so I’m not being co-dependent and taking on their problems as well as my own.
I have tried to accept you for who you are without any thought of what it does to me. I'm at a crucial point right now where I need to change these old thought patterns. I NEED to realize what it is that's right for me, so I can be healthy and well.
I need your love but not at the expense of my own well being.
I love you ABF and wish healing for the both of us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Itsmylife,
I think your note to ABF is very honest and forthright. You have a lot of insight into yourself. I think your diligence in working your own recovery and self-discovery is quite evident. Hugs and a big thumbs up from me!
I think your note to ABF is very honest and forthright. You have a lot of insight into yourself. I think your diligence in working your own recovery and self-discovery is quite evident. Hugs and a big thumbs up from me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
That is a great letter! I love how it is very honest and you kept the focus on yourself and your reactions and not on "his" faults. Keep focusing on yourself and making yourself better. You are doing a great job. You serve as an inspiration to me right now and where I would like my focus to be. Thanks for sharing and best of luck when you decide to share this letter with him.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Itsmylifenow, that was an excellent letter and I imagine it was very therapeutic to write it. I know it was for me when I wrote them to my wife. Thing is I never sent them. I knew at some point they would just be used against me.
Everything you say in there rings true but I can see how he would take it as an attack.
I am willing to bet this is what he will focus on because it is exactly what my AW would have focused on.
Based on my experience I would think long and hard before sending that letter.
You are breaking up with him, that's enough. You don't need to explain yourself.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Everything you say in there rings true but I can see how he would take it as an attack.
dangerous to my well-being...I give way more than I ever ask for...No security in your love.... I need someone who is capable of handling things in their life
Based on my experience I would think long and hard before sending that letter.
You are breaking up with him, that's enough. You don't need to explain yourself.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Hi Mike,
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, that is amazing. You should be so proud that you have come to recognizing all of this and doing what has to be so hard for you to do, put yourself first for once.
This has made me look at my own home. I hope I am not doing this to my children. This has made me think.
Thank you so much for being willing to share what is a very heart felt and wonderful letter. I wish you the best of luck with everything and admire your strength.
God Bless!
This has made me look at my own home. I hope I am not doing this to my children. This has made me think.
Thank you so much for being willing to share what is a very heart felt and wonderful letter. I wish you the best of luck with everything and admire your strength.
God Bless!
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow 
Hi Mike,
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, that is amazing. You should be so proud that you have come to recognizing all of this and doing what has to be so hard for you to do, put yourself first for once.
This has made me look at my own home. I hope I am not doing this to my children. This has made me think.
Thank you so much for being willing to share what is a very heart felt and wonderful letter. I wish you the best of luck with everything and admire your strength.
God Bless!
This has made me look at my own home. I hope I am not doing this to my children. This has made me think.
Thank you so much for being willing to share what is a very heart felt and wonderful letter. I wish you the best of luck with everything and admire your strength.
God Bless!
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
Hi Mike,
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
Thanks for your input. I'm needing to see him at some point in the next day or two to just take care of this. The letter was more for my reference as I talk to him - so I can remind myself that my needs aren't being met...because I'm not allowing them to be or asking for them to be met.
Whether I give it to him or not, we'll see. Technically, he put us on a "break" about a month ago..and it's just hanging over my head as to whether it's a "done" break or an "in limbo" break. Either way, I need to take charge of my own life and do what's right for me and stop waiting around for him.
I think, too that one of the needs I don't get met is being able to say my truth. It always seems okay for the A to say whatever it is they like without any thought to how it might be taken or hurt someone.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to tell it how I feel it. It's up to him how he cares to interpret it.
I've been reading a lot about assertiveness - can you tell
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Hopeful4,
I, too, started thinking about my kids. Trying to remember when they were little and I would be having crazy, emotional meltdowns because I was so frustrated with my life. I had a few where they didn't respect their toys and I would pack them all up and threaten to throw them out. To me, it was just frustration building up and needing to release it. To them, it must have been scary watching the stability of their life get all whacked out.
I can see now how my daughter really avoids conflicts and confrontations and when her brother and father are arguing, she wants no part of it.
Not sure how I can fix anything that's affected them as they are now teenagers and the damage would have been done years ago.
I guess it's the nature of parenting. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in....
I, too, started thinking about my kids. Trying to remember when they were little and I would be having crazy, emotional meltdowns because I was so frustrated with my life. I had a few where they didn't respect their toys and I would pack them all up and threaten to throw them out. To me, it was just frustration building up and needing to release it. To them, it must have been scary watching the stability of their life get all whacked out.
I can see now how my daughter really avoids conflicts and confrontations and when her brother and father are arguing, she wants no part of it.
Not sure how I can fix anything that's affected them as they are now teenagers and the damage would have been done years ago.
I guess it's the nature of parenting. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My younger daughter who is 8 is a little ADD. She is also a little lazy lol. Last night I did just that, she was to clean her room and eventually I told her that I was going to throw out what she did not clean up. It's not that what I said was so wrong as alot of it was stuff that needs thrown out, it was the way I said it and her reaction. Even if I raise my voice in any way she says, "Don't yell at me." I need to work better at being the calm and assertive parent that I want to be.
Again, thank you so much for sharing, I really do appreciate it so much. I really do think it's a great letter and think you should be so proud to put the focus on you.
Tight Hugs.
Again, thank you so much for sharing, I really do appreciate it so much. I really do think it's a great letter and think you should be so proud to put the focus on you.
Tight Hugs.
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
Hopeful4,
I, too, started thinking about my kids. Trying to remember when they were little and I would be having crazy, emotional meltdowns because I was so frustrated with my life. I had a few where they didn't respect their toys and I would pack them all up and threaten to throw them out. To me, it was just frustration building up and needing to release it. To them, it must have been scary watching the stability of their life get all whacked out.
I can see now how my daughter really avoids conflicts and confrontations and when her brother and father are arguing, she wants no part of it.
Not sure how I can fix anything that's affected them as they are now teenagers and the damage would have been done years ago.
I guess it's the nature of parenting. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in....
I, too, started thinking about my kids. Trying to remember when they were little and I would be having crazy, emotional meltdowns because I was so frustrated with my life. I had a few where they didn't respect their toys and I would pack them all up and threaten to throw them out. To me, it was just frustration building up and needing to release it. To them, it must have been scary watching the stability of their life get all whacked out.
I can see now how my daughter really avoids conflicts and confrontations and when her brother and father are arguing, she wants no part of it.
Not sure how I can fix anything that's affected them as they are now teenagers and the damage would have been done years ago.
I guess it's the nature of parenting. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I agree with you being heard--get anything off your chest that you want to--just with the right expectations--that you say your peace no matter how he reacts to it.
Isn't this the guy that you read his email that he was setting up a date? That doesn't sound like limbo to me...that sounds like a guy who is "new gf shopping". So I would be prepared myself in such a situation to receive a reaction that didn't have much caring in it.
Ask yourself if calling it "limbo" is denial. You don't have to answer to me...just you.
Isn't this the guy that you read his email that he was setting up a date? That doesn't sound like limbo to me...that sounds like a guy who is "new gf shopping". So I would be prepared myself in such a situation to receive a reaction that didn't have much caring in it.
Ask yourself if calling it "limbo" is denial. You don't have to answer to me...just you.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Well, things went well. Funny how you get in this place where you want them to know all these important things, then when you actually get to that moment you think...what was I thinking? Did he really want to sit there and read all that introspective stuff I figured out? I think a part of me wanted him to read it because some aspects of me bothered him and it was just my way of showing him that there was a reason behind it. Silly, I know, but didn't go there anyways.
We are still on friendly terms - I was proud that I spoke up for what I needed without putting any blame on him for not being able to give it to me.
And, he's so open to all this, which is why it makes it so hard. He asked me what I needed before I even started telling him. He is concerned for me and what's right for me. He knows he's not what I need. He realizes that asking me to hang around while he sorts out his life isn't fair to me.
On a different note, I went and hung out with him last night to watch a movie and watched him drink a whole bottle of wine. A big one too. I'm just amazed how much he can drink. Even more interesting to watch the change in him take place from normal to totally wasted. Removing my need to fix him and detaching from him certainly helped. Something switched off for me over these past few days. I tried to stop looking at the needy part of me he was filling which was keeping me stuck to him, and tried to really remove my emotional needs and see who he really is.
We are still on friendly terms - I was proud that I spoke up for what I needed without putting any blame on him for not being able to give it to me.
And, he's so open to all this, which is why it makes it so hard. He asked me what I needed before I even started telling him. He is concerned for me and what's right for me. He knows he's not what I need. He realizes that asking me to hang around while he sorts out his life isn't fair to me.
On a different note, I went and hung out with him last night to watch a movie and watched him drink a whole bottle of wine. A big one too. I'm just amazed how much he can drink. Even more interesting to watch the change in him take place from normal to totally wasted. Removing my need to fix him and detaching from him certainly helped. Something switched off for me over these past few days. I tried to stop looking at the needy part of me he was filling which was keeping me stuck to him, and tried to really remove my emotional needs and see who he really is.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
devil's advocate here.....but if THIS was your goal:
I need to end things completely with Abf
then why this?
I went and hung out with him last night to watch a movie and watched him drink a whole bottle of wine. A big one too.
do you see the conflict there? after the lengthy I NEED letter, how being with someone who drinks is NOT good for you, you go and watch somebody DRINK..........??
I need to end things completely with Abf
then why this?
I went and hung out with him last night to watch a movie and watched him drink a whole bottle of wine. A big one too.
do you see the conflict there? after the lengthy I NEED letter, how being with someone who drinks is NOT good for you, you go and watch somebody DRINK..........??
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Good point...thanks for bringing it to my attention
Yep, I see the conflict.
Part of what helps me to get out of situations is seeing the reality of them. I expressed what I needed and he understood and we are no longer together romantically. But, I also needed to remind myself why he can't meet those needs for me. I saw him drinking, but I was detached from it. It was observation at best. It didn't make me want to fix him or help him in anyway. It just made me feel sad to really see it - and know I can't have this in my life even with all the other good stuff.
Yep, I see the conflict.
Part of what helps me to get out of situations is seeing the reality of them. I expressed what I needed and he understood and we are no longer together romantically. But, I also needed to remind myself why he can't meet those needs for me. I saw him drinking, but I was detached from it. It was observation at best. It didn't make me want to fix him or help him in anyway. It just made me feel sad to really see it - and know I can't have this in my life even with all the other good stuff.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Sounds like you are still addicted to him and playing with fire.
If you still have strong feelings for this person, hanging out at his house
as "friends" is a very good way to get burned again.
I speak from my own experience here--no judgement, just honest worry for you.
If you still have strong feelings for this person, hanging out at his house
as "friends" is a very good way to get burned again.
I speak from my own experience here--no judgement, just honest worry for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Sounds like you are still addicted to him and playing with fire.
If you still have strong feelings for this person, hanging out at his house
as "friends" is a very good way to get burned again.
I speak from my own experience here--no judgement, just honest worry for you.
If you still have strong feelings for this person, hanging out at his house
as "friends" is a very good way to get burned again.
I speak from my own experience here--no judgement, just honest worry for you.
Seems like a slippery slope and things can fall right back into just the way they were soon enough.
Do you think putting some distance between yourself and him for awhile might prevent that?
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