In for another battle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
In for another battle
Hi... Just sitting here tonight needing to either go to sleep or get some work done, and doing neither. I seem to do that very well at times! I'm so frustrated.
XAH was "just an alcoholic" upon divorce.
Lives in another state, has ability to see kids periodically because he "was still a good father" and I thought visits were important when I was naive and signing things.
XAH is a drug addict. He is volatile. He is emotionally abusive. He scares the kids. His neighborhood scares them. They refuse to go there. I can't in good conscience send them into an unknown situation a plane ride away even if they wanted to go.
But I can't do a thing about it.
I'm trying. Court hearings rely on judges. Judges don't really understand the abuse and dysfunction that hides beneath his suave, clever exterior. Judges want proof that's hard to provide. Judges think kids need to see both parents.
I say that's fine. They can take dad to dinner when they're 30. Or dad can come here and take them out to dinner now...in their safe space.
I'm a MOTHER.
How do you send your kids to the lion's den?
When they're begging you not to?
When your SOUL tells you that you simply cannot?
When any contact at all sends them backward in their own healing?
Still planning to fight.
Paying a lawyer.
Just demoralized. I don't think I can win.
Also waiting for the crazy legal accusations that he comes up with this time.
And I'm so, so sick of this never ending battle.
When can I stop fighting?
I think never. I'm fighting for my kids' lives.
And it's just exhausting.
Our system is so broken.
I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
XAH was "just an alcoholic" upon divorce.
Lives in another state, has ability to see kids periodically because he "was still a good father" and I thought visits were important when I was naive and signing things.
XAH is a drug addict. He is volatile. He is emotionally abusive. He scares the kids. His neighborhood scares them. They refuse to go there. I can't in good conscience send them into an unknown situation a plane ride away even if they wanted to go.
But I can't do a thing about it.
I'm trying. Court hearings rely on judges. Judges don't really understand the abuse and dysfunction that hides beneath his suave, clever exterior. Judges want proof that's hard to provide. Judges think kids need to see both parents.
I say that's fine. They can take dad to dinner when they're 30. Or dad can come here and take them out to dinner now...in their safe space.
I'm a MOTHER.
How do you send your kids to the lion's den?
When they're begging you not to?
When your SOUL tells you that you simply cannot?
When any contact at all sends them backward in their own healing?
Still planning to fight.
Paying a lawyer.
Just demoralized. I don't think I can win.
Also waiting for the crazy legal accusations that he comes up with this time.
And I'm so, so sick of this never ending battle.
When can I stop fighting?
I think never. I'm fighting for my kids' lives.
And it's just exhausting.
Our system is so broken.
I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Visitation is set up based on what is best for the children and in this case it appears not to be safe. Getting legal advice is a good thing, I'm not sure how old your children are but their feelings, words and thoughts should carry some weight too.
I don't know how this will unfold but I am glad you are protecting your children and trying to do the right thing.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
Hugs
I don't know how this will unfold but I am glad you are protecting your children and trying to do the right thing.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
What would happen if you told the kids they didn't have to go? If you just didn'T take them?
Where I live, it is up to him to go to court and through the legal process, have his visitation enforced. That takes time and money. Would he have the time and money to do that? Would he have the motivation to follow through?
Where I live, it is up to him to go to court and through the legal process, have his visitation enforced. That takes time and money. Would he have the time and money to do that? Would he have the motivation to follow through?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
I am sorry. It is a scary feeling that you don't have a partner in making the best life for your kids - but instead fighting an uphill battle with an unreasonable and unpredictable opposing team. I have a feeling I will be reciting your words some day soon.
I am hoping for peace and answers for you.
I am hoping for peace and answers for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It shouldn't have to be this way, going to court to protect your children. DO you have pictures of his neighborhood? How old are your children? I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If he truly cared about them and their well being he wouldn't force them to come there and I, as their mother, would make darn sure they never went no matter what. I pray for things to go in your favor and most of all the best for your children. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have these fears all the time too. However, I want to tell you what my friend has told me. In this state, if she does not take her daughter at the allowed time, her husband would have to take her to court because of that. It would cost him money and because of his addiction he does not have a job so....
That being said, she keeps a journal. If her daughter does not want to go, she journals why she would not go (suspect dad's been drinking, he was fighting w/his girlfriend, talking ugly to her, etc.) she notes that with dates and times. She does this so if he does take her to court which is unlikely, she will be able to show why she did not take said child to visitation. So far, so good, this has been working for about 8 months now. She does have them meet for dinner and things like that if possible, but if her daughter says no she does not force her to go.
Just wanted to give my two cents for what it's worth. What a hard thing to go through. The legal system is indeed broken.
God Bless. Tight Hugs.
That being said, she keeps a journal. If her daughter does not want to go, she journals why she would not go (suspect dad's been drinking, he was fighting w/his girlfriend, talking ugly to her, etc.) she notes that with dates and times. She does this so if he does take her to court which is unlikely, she will be able to show why she did not take said child to visitation. So far, so good, this has been working for about 8 months now. She does have them meet for dinner and things like that if possible, but if her daughter says no she does not force her to go.
Just wanted to give my two cents for what it's worth. What a hard thing to go through. The legal system is indeed broken.
God Bless. Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Vent away!!! It’s a good way to let go of pent up frustrations.
Keep in mind your situation has changed since signing all the papers. He is NOW using drugs as well as alcohol.
Keep in mind the age of the children and are they able to speak for themselves to a judge if need be.
Keep in mind, that if you moved out of the state where the divorce decree was issued you can petition that court to move it to your current state.
Keep in mind that if you do not send the kids to visit him it is up to him to then file petitions in court and if you are able to get the degree moved to your current state, he would then have to file in your state and appear in courts there.
Is he capably of that? Does he have the money for that?
Keep in mind your situation has changed since signing all the papers. He is NOW using drugs as well as alcohol.
Keep in mind the age of the children and are they able to speak for themselves to a judge if need be.
Keep in mind, that if you moved out of the state where the divorce decree was issued you can petition that court to move it to your current state.
Keep in mind that if you do not send the kids to visit him it is up to him to then file petitions in court and if you are able to get the degree moved to your current state, he would then have to file in your state and appear in courts there.
Is he capably of that? Does he have the money for that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thank you all for the support. So many good ideas. I guess I should add that in hindsight I should have seen the drug use starting when I was still there. I don't judge myself for it. He did a good job pointing me elsewhere, and I never imagined it, so I understand my blinders as I look back. But the elevation of his erratic, volatile, aggressive, emotionless behavior was frightening.
Over the last year I've kept a pretty good log of everything and a good paper trail of attempts to help him be a father, because he wants to cry parental alienation. I've always taken the high road here. I've been so afraid of PA (and its impact on the kids) that I've even historically avoided discussing some things with the kids that I later realized I should discuss for their mental health. I'm working on that.
I'm also trying very hard to not let obsession with his behavior and addiction morph into obsession with his interactions with the kids. I get SO frustrated when I successfully step back, then am forced to realize I can't ever let my guard down. How is that healing? I've often said that if we didn't have kids together I'd be so much further myself. This is my weak spot. Because I love them, and he knows it.
The place he's living has been all over the news the past 20 years for its huge drug issues. I've never seen it, just satellite pics. The time they went there my son said "I know I'm not supposed to say this, but it felt like in the movies, the drug cartels". Kids don't just say things like that. I think there's more underneath that comment but to date he won't share it.
The kids are early teen. Old enough to voice opinions, but they are very afraid of speaking up, for a number of reasons--they don't want to hurt him, they don't want him to think they don't love him, they don't want his barrage of texts attempting to convince them because it exhausts them, they don't have "proof" of anything (that they're willing to share) other than their feelings about it all, they're afraid of backlash if they speak against him and then have to spend time with him...it goes on. (Every time they say they don't want to hurt him, I think....ah, how I wish that worked both ways.)
To date they've mostly refused to go there and he's "honored" that, but the emotional price they pay in this dynamic is high. They need little to no contact for their healing too. It's hard to explain the subtle bullying and coercion that he throws at them (and denies). Add to that my fear that when he gets bored he can try to hassle me legally because they aren't going.
I know this is their path and they need to learn to navigate it with him for life...but I think providing a little buffer for them to move forward in a healthy way is my job as a mom if I can do it. I don't think I'm trying to control a situation I shouldn't be. I've thought long and hard about that to make sure my motives are pure, which, coupled with my denial, resulted in me acting later than I should.
You're right about moving the case to my state. I'd been sort of holding that back as something to do if the courts will want to talk to the kids. I'll talk to my attorney about that this week, because maybe the time is now. I certainly wouldn't bring the kids THERE outside of their safe space to talk to the legal world. And it would be a bigger burden for him if we moved it here.
Ultimately if he took me to court for not sending them, and the judge agreed, I'd have to pay his court costs per our decree. Would he do that? I don't know. Does he have money? I don't know. He lost his good job and secured something small in its place, maybe making a fifth of his salary. He got half of our assets, which without a habit would be helpful...with a habit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's gone. He's living an entirely different life now.
He has always been smart and great at snowing people. He has gobs of time to mess with us when he's bored. And he's irrational and volatile. The kids told me I needed to buy a gun in case he came here to hurt us (I didn't). It sounds crazy, but it's funny that it matched the irrational fear I had in my own gut. We all saw the beginning of this volatility before we left, and it was scary. He never hurt them physically as far as I know. But I wouldn't leave him alone with them the last several months. I can't explain the feeling...though I probably don't have to here.
I wonder when I will stop being surprised at his magnitude of self-absorption, self-importance, and righteous indignance. As if other people and their feelings or plans are meaningless. I know what to expect by now, but I guess when it comes to YOUR KIDS, some tiny piece of me keeps ridiculously expecting a bit of human compassion. They are just kids.
Thanks again for listening and talking. I'm open to any wisdom, even if you think I won't like it.
Over the last year I've kept a pretty good log of everything and a good paper trail of attempts to help him be a father, because he wants to cry parental alienation. I've always taken the high road here. I've been so afraid of PA (and its impact on the kids) that I've even historically avoided discussing some things with the kids that I later realized I should discuss for their mental health. I'm working on that.
I'm also trying very hard to not let obsession with his behavior and addiction morph into obsession with his interactions with the kids. I get SO frustrated when I successfully step back, then am forced to realize I can't ever let my guard down. How is that healing? I've often said that if we didn't have kids together I'd be so much further myself. This is my weak spot. Because I love them, and he knows it.
The place he's living has been all over the news the past 20 years for its huge drug issues. I've never seen it, just satellite pics. The time they went there my son said "I know I'm not supposed to say this, but it felt like in the movies, the drug cartels". Kids don't just say things like that. I think there's more underneath that comment but to date he won't share it.
The kids are early teen. Old enough to voice opinions, but they are very afraid of speaking up, for a number of reasons--they don't want to hurt him, they don't want him to think they don't love him, they don't want his barrage of texts attempting to convince them because it exhausts them, they don't have "proof" of anything (that they're willing to share) other than their feelings about it all, they're afraid of backlash if they speak against him and then have to spend time with him...it goes on. (Every time they say they don't want to hurt him, I think....ah, how I wish that worked both ways.)
To date they've mostly refused to go there and he's "honored" that, but the emotional price they pay in this dynamic is high. They need little to no contact for their healing too. It's hard to explain the subtle bullying and coercion that he throws at them (and denies). Add to that my fear that when he gets bored he can try to hassle me legally because they aren't going.
I know this is their path and they need to learn to navigate it with him for life...but I think providing a little buffer for them to move forward in a healthy way is my job as a mom if I can do it. I don't think I'm trying to control a situation I shouldn't be. I've thought long and hard about that to make sure my motives are pure, which, coupled with my denial, resulted in me acting later than I should.
You're right about moving the case to my state. I'd been sort of holding that back as something to do if the courts will want to talk to the kids. I'll talk to my attorney about that this week, because maybe the time is now. I certainly wouldn't bring the kids THERE outside of their safe space to talk to the legal world. And it would be a bigger burden for him if we moved it here.
Ultimately if he took me to court for not sending them, and the judge agreed, I'd have to pay his court costs per our decree. Would he do that? I don't know. Does he have money? I don't know. He lost his good job and secured something small in its place, maybe making a fifth of his salary. He got half of our assets, which without a habit would be helpful...with a habit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's gone. He's living an entirely different life now.
He has always been smart and great at snowing people. He has gobs of time to mess with us when he's bored. And he's irrational and volatile. The kids told me I needed to buy a gun in case he came here to hurt us (I didn't). It sounds crazy, but it's funny that it matched the irrational fear I had in my own gut. We all saw the beginning of this volatility before we left, and it was scary. He never hurt them physically as far as I know. But I wouldn't leave him alone with them the last several months. I can't explain the feeling...though I probably don't have to here.
I wonder when I will stop being surprised at his magnitude of self-absorption, self-importance, and righteous indignance. As if other people and their feelings or plans are meaningless. I know what to expect by now, but I guess when it comes to YOUR KIDS, some tiny piece of me keeps ridiculously expecting a bit of human compassion. They are just kids.
Thanks again for listening and talking. I'm open to any wisdom, even if you think I won't like it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry, so very sorry. You need to talk to your kids about this more, let them know they can voice their fears and that you will TRY to protect them. They have to be your #1 concern and they are being manipulated in a different way than you are. They are tied to this man forever, you are not. Believe me, teenagers realize this.
Please don't take a back seat to the safety of your children. Praying for all of you!
God Bless.
Please don't take a back seat to the safety of your children. Praying for all of you!
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Silver Spring, MD
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Praying 
I know this is their path and they need to learn to navigate it with him for life...but I think providing a little buffer for them to move forward in a healthy way is my job as a mom if I can do it. I don't think I'm trying to control a situation I shouldn't be. I've thought long and hard about that to make sure my motives are pure, which, coupled with my denial, resulted in me acting later than I should.
First, I really feel for you in your situation and am not qualified to give advice but I know in many states that Child Advocates are provided by the court to act as legal counsel on behalf of the children's interests. This could give your children someone to talk to in legal confidence about their wishes. Your children could then decide whether they want the advocate to take any action or not and there wouldn't be any question about the motives of the advocate as they purely represent the children's interests - not your or your ex's.
Just a thought...
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
From what you described he sounds like a twin to my ex who is a narcissist.
Protect them at all cost. These types of flesh are empty, emotionless and have no soul.
The only thing they care about is themselves period. They are excellent at deception and have the ability to memick emotions when needed for appearances sake. They have no mercy not even on their own offspring. A narcissist alone is evil enough, but add drugs and alcohol all that is left is a nightmare from hell.
Protect them at all cost. These types of flesh are empty, emotionless and have no soul.
The only thing they care about is themselves period. They are excellent at deception and have the ability to memick emotions when needed for appearances sake. They have no mercy not even on their own offspring. A narcissist alone is evil enough, but add drugs and alcohol all that is left is a nightmare from hell.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by Praying
I wonder when I will stop being surprised at his magnitude of self-absorption, self-importance, and righteous indignance. As if other people and their feelings or plans are meaningless. I know what to expect by now, but I guess when it comes to YOUR KIDS, some tiny piece of me keeps ridiculously expecting a bit of human compassion. They are just kids.
think I won't like it.
think I won't like it.
OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR PLANS AND FEELINGS ARE MEANINGLESS TO AN ADDICT.
Yes, they are only children, and yes, they are his children. doesn't matter. he can't put that ahead of his DOC. If he admitted that he was hurting you all, he would have to admit a lot of nasty things about himself and his situation. Not going to happen. But that is not a defect of you or your children, it does not mean that you are not loveable or worth it. It does not even mean that he won't someday regret the choices he has made, and the things that have happened as a result. But right now. ... he can't.
This is a terrible disease.
Remember that until he wants help, his DOC is first, he is second, and you and the kids come somewhere after that. Keep that in mind, and don't expect him to act like someone who does not have these priorities. it will be easier for you to know what you need to do.
Stay strong, you are the rock for your kids. We are all going to get through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thanks all for responding.
I don't know why I didn't share this sooner. He is a classic narcissist. Took me a while to recognize that one too until all the work I've done the last couple of years. (Yet another "post-paperwork" realization.) I actually said to myself ten years ago...I recognize this man will never be able to meet my emotional needs. I can handle that because we have kids together, I'm independent, can take care of myself, etc. It wasn't until recently that I realized how abusive he became through the years and how detrimental it really was to me and the kids. I only have myself to blame for staying. Still working on that one. Maybe that's why I didn't share it sooner. I'm dumber than everyone...I'd like that one there...the alcoholic, drug addicted narcissist! Sign me up for 20 years please. (Should I add the horrible fear they create that they stalk us and will use our every move against us? Now that I've admitted he's an N, he might know this is me lol)
That's my biggest struggle with the kids. If he wanted to be a father, he'd have done SOMETHING in the past 18 months to put them first....ONCE. I might be mistaken, but I believe most active addicts have at least fleeting moments of remorse, of trying to do what's right, etc. Not sustained, but moments. He used to be SO good at putting on the show, but once he knew I saw through him, he stopped trying, quit his entire life (all of our friends and his family), and got a new family and a new life that believed his stories. I know he cannot be the father they need and can only hurt them unless he does some MAJOR therapy.
He uses the kids for emotional fixes when he needs to feel special or loved and must not be getting enough kudos from the new family. I know narcissists like to keep a lot of poles in the water and yank them every so often just to see if we're still biting, because they need constant validation. My own No Contact was much easier once I realized every reaction was "feeding" him, even neutral or positive ones. But it's difficult to need to interact with him on behalf of the kids. That's one reason I hesitate to fight him legally...because it's actually fulfilling to him to fight me. And it's exhausting.
I told a friend when I wasn't sleeping the other night (she works nights so it's wonderful):
How do you plan ahead in a game of chess with an addicted narcissist?
NC or not, that's crazy-making. Because there's probably a way I can outmaneuver him if I play it right, but anticipating the routes it can take and being ready for each of them is exhausting. For those who haven't dealt with a narcissist, they will honestly cut off their nose to spite YOUR face, and smile at you with the blood running down their chin, because they won. They'll hit you with random accusations and make them appear true. And they will believe they are in the right and convince everyone you are crazy. Then they'll move on and rewrite history. And they'll charm everyone along the way to believing their lies. Courts and judges are often snowed by these guys. I've seen some pretty horrible outcomes that make no sense. (Hard to imagine I believed he "loved" me for years...and that I still love the image of the guy I met. Easy to believe how I was snowed and thought I was crazy.)
By outmaneuver, let's remember that all I really mean is...doing what it takes to get the right outcome for the kids. That's it.
Still waiting on some legal junk this week. I need to make a few calls on how far to take certain parts of this. A crucial part in the chess match...
Thankfully I have family and friends and he's not right here in my town. And I'm smarter than him. And he doesn't control me anymore. And I know these things. But I still wish I were one more year stronger...I was getting there. Feeling like I'm not sure I have it in me for this battle.
And knowing I have to.
I don't know why I didn't share this sooner. He is a classic narcissist. Took me a while to recognize that one too until all the work I've done the last couple of years. (Yet another "post-paperwork" realization.) I actually said to myself ten years ago...I recognize this man will never be able to meet my emotional needs. I can handle that because we have kids together, I'm independent, can take care of myself, etc. It wasn't until recently that I realized how abusive he became through the years and how detrimental it really was to me and the kids. I only have myself to blame for staying. Still working on that one. Maybe that's why I didn't share it sooner. I'm dumber than everyone...I'd like that one there...the alcoholic, drug addicted narcissist! Sign me up for 20 years please. (Should I add the horrible fear they create that they stalk us and will use our every move against us? Now that I've admitted he's an N, he might know this is me lol)
That's my biggest struggle with the kids. If he wanted to be a father, he'd have done SOMETHING in the past 18 months to put them first....ONCE. I might be mistaken, but I believe most active addicts have at least fleeting moments of remorse, of trying to do what's right, etc. Not sustained, but moments. He used to be SO good at putting on the show, but once he knew I saw through him, he stopped trying, quit his entire life (all of our friends and his family), and got a new family and a new life that believed his stories. I know he cannot be the father they need and can only hurt them unless he does some MAJOR therapy.
He uses the kids for emotional fixes when he needs to feel special or loved and must not be getting enough kudos from the new family. I know narcissists like to keep a lot of poles in the water and yank them every so often just to see if we're still biting, because they need constant validation. My own No Contact was much easier once I realized every reaction was "feeding" him, even neutral or positive ones. But it's difficult to need to interact with him on behalf of the kids. That's one reason I hesitate to fight him legally...because it's actually fulfilling to him to fight me. And it's exhausting.
I told a friend when I wasn't sleeping the other night (she works nights so it's wonderful):
How do you plan ahead in a game of chess with an addicted narcissist?
NC or not, that's crazy-making. Because there's probably a way I can outmaneuver him if I play it right, but anticipating the routes it can take and being ready for each of them is exhausting. For those who haven't dealt with a narcissist, they will honestly cut off their nose to spite YOUR face, and smile at you with the blood running down their chin, because they won. They'll hit you with random accusations and make them appear true. And they will believe they are in the right and convince everyone you are crazy. Then they'll move on and rewrite history. And they'll charm everyone along the way to believing their lies. Courts and judges are often snowed by these guys. I've seen some pretty horrible outcomes that make no sense. (Hard to imagine I believed he "loved" me for years...and that I still love the image of the guy I met. Easy to believe how I was snowed and thought I was crazy.)
By outmaneuver, let's remember that all I really mean is...doing what it takes to get the right outcome for the kids. That's it.
Still waiting on some legal junk this week. I need to make a few calls on how far to take certain parts of this. A crucial part in the chess match...
Thankfully I have family and friends and he's not right here in my town. And I'm smarter than him. And he doesn't control me anymore. And I know these things. But I still wish I were one more year stronger...I was getting there. Feeling like I'm not sure I have it in me for this battle.
And knowing I have to.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
(((Praying)))
I could give you a run in the stupid department.
Although I do not believe my husband is a narcissist in the true sense of the word, he has some very narcissistic and sociopathic qualities from his addiction. Fortunately, he is not vindictive.....it's a real buzz kill, ya know??
I think your kids are very lucky to have such a loving, insightful and smart mother. Be kind to yourself. When you knew better, you did better. And that's a great thing.
I could give you a run in the stupid department.
Although I do not believe my husband is a narcissist in the true sense of the word, he has some very narcissistic and sociopathic qualities from his addiction. Fortunately, he is not vindictive.....it's a real buzz kill, ya know??I think your kids are very lucky to have such a loving, insightful and smart mother. Be kind to yourself. When you knew better, you did better. And that's a great thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Funny, every time I need something SR has exactly it. Thanks Praying for your post about Narcissism. I am beginning to think STBXAH is one. I learned yesterday that the best way to handle an N is to use their own strategy against them. Basically, you use the "I know who you are, and I seen what you did" tactic LOL. You use some vague valed threat, and let their mind mess them up.
I know things about you, mess with me and see what happens.
Check out the video at this link:
The Upper Hand: How to Cope With a Vindictive Narcissist?
I know things about you, mess with me and see what happens.
Check out the video at this link:
The Upper Hand: How to Cope With a Vindictive Narcissist?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Struggling with major bouts of anger this week, and I'm not good with anger. It suddenly bubbles up then disappears before I can try to get it out. (I don't lash out at people. Like a good girl I sit quietly and contemplate my actions to find the source of it.) I'm crying in my soup again... gonna break my serenity for a minute and toss out an "it's just not fair!!!!" Give me a minute for it...
Arggggh. Tired of being an adult. The only adult. The only parent. The only sane one. That would be fine with me if there's NO OTHER ONE there mucking it up.
AAAARRRGGHHHH!!! When do I get to go crazy or be selfish or drown my sorrows or run away? Or all of the above?
Okay. Maybe I'm done.
Just surprised with the force of this new anger. It's related to all of my recent posts... the custody stuff, the "unthinkable"... watching my kids struggle yet again...
I often think that if "dad" had "just died", they'd be SO much better off. But no, he had to choose a slow demise, lashing out the entire way to destroy whoever he can, even when we "escape". I can only do so much. Did I mention it's not fair? (That idea sounds bad, but it is unfortunately true.)
Okay, now I'm really done. I need to hand this one back to God. I know that. But I'm furious. And I know it's going to grow. Any tips on what to do with it? I run...but my current anger is almost worst when I'm done running... so my go-to ain't working!
Arggggh. Tired of being an adult. The only adult. The only parent. The only sane one. That would be fine with me if there's NO OTHER ONE there mucking it up.
AAAARRRGGHHHH!!! When do I get to go crazy or be selfish or drown my sorrows or run away? Or all of the above?
Okay. Maybe I'm done.
Just surprised with the force of this new anger. It's related to all of my recent posts... the custody stuff, the "unthinkable"... watching my kids struggle yet again...
I often think that if "dad" had "just died", they'd be SO much better off. But no, he had to choose a slow demise, lashing out the entire way to destroy whoever he can, even when we "escape". I can only do so much. Did I mention it's not fair? (That idea sounds bad, but it is unfortunately true.)
Okay, now I'm really done. I need to hand this one back to God. I know that. But I'm furious. And I know it's going to grow. Any tips on what to do with it? I run...but my current anger is almost worst when I'm done running... so my go-to ain't working!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Praying,
You have made so many good choices and this addict still just mucks things up. In my Codie little head mine has gotten cancer, dropped dead from a myocardial infarct, sleep apnea...
Last year I realized I never watch sports much, but I used to like college basketball. So I filled out my bracket and just watched TV like a maniac. I did not bet, did no real research on my bracket (which is not my usual behavior so it is restful), just filled it out and carried it around everywhere. My H and DS were bemused. My DS said, I did not know you liked basketball. My H said, "I don't like basketball." And I thought to myself, "Why did I give up things that I like?" Why did I do this? It helped pass the time for early recovery days. IN fact, during the final game with MY team in the mix, my own team that I never took that far in my own bracket, I coldly told H I knew he was relapsed and basically went back to watching the game. I was livid, disappointed, and sick knowing he was going to make me enforce my boundary. How odd for me to act like a guy! But honestly, I was following the rules of trying to find things I enjoy. Trying to stop being a Codie. And anyway, how selfish to have his addiction ruin the culmination of me trying to recapture something I like doing.
I still hardly watch the regular season, just the tourney. But I printed my bracket yesterday and pretty much randomly filled it out. So fill out your bracket with your boys. Mindless fun for a few weeks.
My other advice? Road trip to someplace corny. I don't know where you are, but Graceland, Wall Drug, some regional food to try, some corny museum? Just get in the car and go - everyone throws in their music and away you go.
I don't have any good advice, just hugs.
You have made so many good choices and this addict still just mucks things up. In my Codie little head mine has gotten cancer, dropped dead from a myocardial infarct, sleep apnea...
Last year I realized I never watch sports much, but I used to like college basketball. So I filled out my bracket and just watched TV like a maniac. I did not bet, did no real research on my bracket (which is not my usual behavior so it is restful), just filled it out and carried it around everywhere. My H and DS were bemused. My DS said, I did not know you liked basketball. My H said, "I don't like basketball." And I thought to myself, "Why did I give up things that I like?" Why did I do this? It helped pass the time for early recovery days. IN fact, during the final game with MY team in the mix, my own team that I never took that far in my own bracket, I coldly told H I knew he was relapsed and basically went back to watching the game. I was livid, disappointed, and sick knowing he was going to make me enforce my boundary. How odd for me to act like a guy! But honestly, I was following the rules of trying to find things I enjoy. Trying to stop being a Codie. And anyway, how selfish to have his addiction ruin the culmination of me trying to recapture something I like doing.
I still hardly watch the regular season, just the tourney. But I printed my bracket yesterday and pretty much randomly filled it out. So fill out your bracket with your boys. Mindless fun for a few weeks.
My other advice? Road trip to someplace corny. I don't know where you are, but Graceland, Wall Drug, some regional food to try, some corny museum? Just get in the car and go - everyone throws in their music and away you go.
I don't have any good advice, just hugs.
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