2strong42long

Hi everyone. I'm so happy to read such a supportive environment. I am the long time girlfriend of a sober alcoholic. He is a wonderful man (the man of my dreams minus the demon of the disease) and I love him to the deepest depths of myself. He quit drinking almost 7 months ago and has been 100% sober since (so proud of his strength). He just started AA last week because he acknowledges that he doesn't completely know how to live a responsible and honest adult life, be a healthy partner, etc even though he was able to quit drinking on his own.

I am not an alcoholic or addict. I quit drinking with him to support his brave and healthy choice and neither of us have looked back, but I often wish that I could have a glass of wine with my friends or sister or parents like I would have before. I find myself feeling consumed with helping him and I have lost myself in the process. I am attending individual counseling and I will go to my first al anon meeting this Friday but I have a current dilemma and hope for advice.

I haven't seen any of my friends since September. My best friend lives four hours away and was just laid off from her longtime job. We have plans to meet in the middle for a much needed and long overdue girls day next Tuesday and I fully plan to have a few glasses of wine while there - I am looking forward to it with excitement but also dreading the potential of making my AB feel badly in any way. We have committed to full disclosure so I am going to tell him in advance but I need to know that this is ok, that he will be ok and that if he isn't it won't be my responsibility. I will never have alcohol in our home but I'm afraid that, after 7 months of life being all about him and his recovery (and almost 2 years of it being all about his drinking before that) that he won't understand and will feel urges to drink if he knows that I am.

Hopeworks

When I was in a relationship with my XA I didn't drink a drop although I love a great glass of wine with dinner.

He relapsed anyway...repeatedly.

We don't have any control over their drinking nor responsibility. So if he can't stay sober unless you do he is doomed to drink if you have a glass of wine? He must learn how to stay in his own hula hoop with his program and lifestyle of sobriety and not look to anyone else to hand hold him, hover, helicopter and even not drink. I would keep a dry home but when out with the girls... let your hair down and have fun... you deserve it!

2strong42long

Thanks very much hope works. I intuitively know all of the truths that you wrote...I think I just need a pep talk before talking to him about it. Since he quit drinking, deceiving, and has become more reliable and responsible I am now the one who has turned into a lunatic conspiracy theorist, constantly waiting for the world to end. He has done nothing in 7 months to make me doubt him and he has been nothing but supportive and understanding of my inability to trust him. He just loves me through it and he has told me repeatedly that he doesn't expect me to quit drinking...I'm just scared that it will shake things up. Thanks again.

FeelingGreat

Hi 2strong, you must be very proud of him and I admire your support. When I gave up drinking I kept away from drinking-based social events for a while, but there were still plenty of occasions when friends would have a wine with dinner. I fully understood that my sobriety was my responsibility, and while I didn't seek out temptation, I had to learn to be around others when they were drinking. Resisting temptation increased my confidence.
Seeing you're not bringing wine into the house it shouldn't be too much of a challenge for your husband after 7 months. You seem to have great communication so why not ask him if it disturbs him, and if so, talk it through?

2strong42long

Thank you so much FeelingGreat. I just need to hear it. I am so proud of him - he has made so much progress on his own with no support but me and I know he will flourish with a new support system at AA. He looks forward to the meetings and has gone to 4 in a week...he was terrified at first but felt so relieved after his first meeting that he wishes he would have started a long time ago.mmi feel like now might be the best time to get bits and pieces of myself back that I gave without him ever asking. We openly communicate about our feelings every day - we are a mini group therapy - I just haven't discussed this yet. People have brought wine to our home for family dinners, we went to a NYE party and were the only sober people...he tells me that he knows that these situations will come up and will sometimes be unavoidable...and he is graceful. He tells me that he is firm in his decision to stay sober to change his life and outcomes, one outcome is to allow us a healthy relationship because he loves me more than he loves drinking. I think he will understand and be supportive but I worry. I have truly been alone about this topic for 2 years and 3 months, the past 7 months of sobriety have been almost as difficult! A different kind of difficult and I would never go back, but it us nice to talk to others about these things

CodeJob

Welcome to SR 2strong,

If he is trying AA, do u plan to try AlAnon? I am glad you are taking a break and will be seeing your friend. I feel like there is a subtext in your posts that u are strung out from being the sole support for your AB. Either way you will find a lot of support and information here!

If u r

indirectvictim

Reading through this forum, I realized that we had no control over their drinking. When I started dating my now ex AB, I used to drink a glass of wine, or a cocktail when going out. When I first confronted him about his addiction, he replied: "don't even start this conversation, you drink too" Yes, I do, but occasionally and not to the point to be wasted.
I think you should not feel guilty about it. If you decided to be honest with each other, just tell him that you are planning to have a few drinks. After all, it is him who has a drinking problem, not you!

9111111

Welcome and thanks for posting. I think many of us know the loneliness and isolation that comes from living with alcoholism. Your relationship as you describe it made me think of " The two of us against the rest of the world".. Just wondering, based on his statement above, what would a potential relapse say about his love for you?

hopeful4

Hello and welcome!

I don't think there is anything for you to feel bad about, you don't struggle w/alcohol. You are not drinking in front of him.

Go and have a wonderful time visiting and catching up. Everyone needs a support system for themselves and girlfriend time!

Enjoy!

atalose

I guess I am not understanding the whole “announcing it” “talking about it” prior to your having a lunch with an old friend. Why does that even warrant a “major type of discussion and so much anxiety and worry on your part?

Why can’t you just go have a nice lunch with an old friend and enjoy it? And then if he specifically asks about your drinking then disclose it but it seems to me you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It’s probably bothering YOU way more than it is bothering him.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are creating DRAMA thinking, needless worry and anxiety on your part where it doesn’t need to be.