2strong42long

Hi everyone. I'm so happy to read such a supportive environment. I am the long time girlfriend of a sober alcoholic. He is a wonderful man (the man of my dreams minus the demon of the disease) and I love him to the deepest depths of myself. He quit drinking almost 7 months ago and has been 100% sober since (so proud of his strength). He just started AA last week because he acknowledges that he doesn't completely know how to live a responsible and honest adult life, be a healthy partner, etc even though he was able to quit drinking on his own.

I am not an alcoholic or addict. I quit drinking with him to support his brave and healthy choice and neither of us have looked back, but I often wish that I could have a glass of wine with my friends or sister or parents like I would have before. I find myself feeling consumed with helping him and I have lost myself in the process. I am attending individual counseling and I will go to my first al anon meeting this Friday but I have a current dilemma and hope for advice.

I haven't seen any of my friends since September. My best friend lives four hours away and was just laid off from her longtime job. We have plans to meet in the middle for a much needed and long overdue girls day next Tuesday and I fully plan to have a few glasses of wine while there - I am looking forward to it with excitement but also dreading the potential of making my AB feel badly in any way. We have committed to full disclosure so I am going to tell him in advance but I need to know that this is ok, that he will be ok and that if he isn't it won't be my responsibility. I will never have alcohol in our home but I'm afraid that, after 7 months of life being all about him and his recovery (and almost 2 years of it being all about his drinking before that) that he won't understand and will feel urges to drink if he knows that I am.

Thoughts?

least

Welcome to the family. If his sobriety and your relationship is strong, I don't think it would do any harm. You won't be drinking in front of him, will you? I'd have a talk with him and ask his opinion about it.

You'll find a lot of support here, and also in our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Take a look at it for more insight from others in your position.

Anna

Welcome!

I think you will not cause your boyfriend to drink or not drink. He will make those choices for himself. It's good that you don't keep alcohol at home, but his recovery is his. And, by the same token, your recovery is yours. Good for you for getting counselling.

2strong42long

Thanks to you both for your replies and pointing me in the right direction regarding the topic and on the site. In have some navigation to do.

2strong42long

I will never drink in front of him but would never keep it secret either. I would also never be intoxicated in front of him. We have committed to helping each other in healthy ways but this will be a change from how we have been living and I don't want to set him off course. I know logically that he makes his own choices but I am his support system and will wait to reintegrate alcohol into my social life if necessary...but I'm struggling with that question of necessity. I don't want to be co-dependent or allow his disease to limit me any more. I can't wait to talk to other supporters.

EndGameNYC

That's a huge step and the cutting edge for you right now.

If he can't abide your occasional drinking, then there may be problems down the line that kick up control issues for him, and that may further place limits on your freedom to live your life the way you see fit to live it.

Respect needs to be mutual in order for things to work well. One way to accomplish this is to discuss individual and shared expectations in the relationship.

Many of us are socialized to believe overly romanticized notions about relationships and love...that our partners need to be our best friend, lover, therapist, co-parent, addiction counselor, shoulder to cry on, surrogate parent, guru, and more, with 24/7 availability, in order to have a meaningful relationship. If things work out that way, then great, but we invariably fall short of most of these goals and expectations, unnecessarily placing the relationship in jeopardy.

In the most successful relationships, each person thrives by owning and being granted the freedom to pursue their own interests. This is yet another ideal, but also a trademark of happy couples.

matt4x4

Yup, family and friends of the alcoholic are just as sick as the alcoholic him/herself. If your partner is working the steps, then you do not hide booze from him. You live your life and not in a co-dependant or enabling way. Al Anon works, you should check it out.