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Old 02-26-2014, 10:49 AM
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lying

I'm really struggling with all the lies. He was really big on instilling the kids that honesty is the only way to go. That lying broke trust and once broken is hard to get back. He has been lying to me for the last few years. I thought we never kept anything from each other. I am struggling with the fact that the life I thought I had was not real. I really thought we had something special. For many years we did, but not now. I feel stupid.
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:52 AM
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Have you told him what you just typed here? Not saying it is going to get through to him. But he could certainly use to hear it, even though he won't want to hear it!
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:16 PM
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Giliji, the thing that was so eye opening for me about my AH's lying was that he actually seemed to believe his own lies. I think they become so adept at lying that it's difficult for even them to distinguish fact from fiction.
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:17 PM
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I told him that he was so big on being truthful but he lied to me. He didn't say anything. I didn't tell him how I felt about it. That is a good idea. Thanks!
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:21 PM
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JustAGirl so far he hasn't admitted to or denied anything. He couldn't answer me at all. We always said we would never have secrets from each other. He has his lies and I have a hidden savings account.
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:26 PM
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O honey...don't ever feel stupid. It's him doing the lying, not you....that is stupid. For myself, that is what just does me in. I could tolerate hearing, hey, I messed up today, I was weak but am working on it. Instead I hear lies that make ME feel like the crazy one. I have to say, I have put my foot down and I don't really think he lies to me anymore. However, it is because I don't allow it, not because he doesn't want to, which just defeats the purpose. QUACK.

Honesty is the only way to go. It is good he instilled that in your kids, and you know it too. The thing is, so does he, but it is hard to "walk the walk," so to speak.

I do understand how sad it makes you feel, the resentment, the anger, the anxiety...all of it, and I send you big tight hugs.


Originally Posted by giliji View Post
I'm really struggling with all the lies. He was really big on instilling the kids that honesty is the only way to go. That lying broke trust and once broken is hard to get back. He has been lying to me for the last few years. I thought we never kept anything from each other. I am struggling with the fact that the life I thought I had was not real. I really thought we had something special. For many years we did, but not now. I feel stupid.
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by giliji View Post
I'm really struggling with all the lies. He was really big on instilling the kids that honesty is the only way to go. That lying broke trust and once broken is hard to get back. He has been lying to me for the last few years. I thought we never kept anything from each other. I am struggling with the fact that the life I thought I had was not real. I really thought we had something special. For many years we did, but not now. I feel stupid.
I know this one, all too well.

Sorry I do not recall the details ---

Is he "Dry" now, or still active on Alcohol, etc., addiction(s)?
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:30 PM
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Hi giliji,

My ex-husband lied and cheated on me toward the end our marriage. I did not trust him, and he did not understand that in order for me to trust him again, he had to earn it. He thought we could just move on without addressing any of the pain I felt, and that just wasn't possible for me. We talked a lot about the reasons he cheated, and he did have some valid complaints about me and our marriage--but he could never talk about what he did that hurt me, and there was no getting past that for me.

I, too, felt stupid. I felt as though my entire marriage and relationship with him was a lie. But is wasn't, not for me.

My feelings and intentions and actions may not have been perfect, but they were genuine and honorable. I did love him....in many ways, I still do (just not romantically). My part of the marriage was not a lie. Your part of your marriage has not been a lie, and for that, you should be proud.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:01 PM
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Thanks for the hugs hopeful. He can't tell me he messed up because he doesn't think he has a problem. I don't ask him anymore if he is drinking because I'm tired of hearing lies. Although I'm tempted to ask him to honestly tell me if he was drinking while he was out of town last week. But I don't know what that will accomplish.

Hammer he is actively drinking but won't admit it and drinks secretly.

Seren while I know my part isn't a lie, it still hurts to my core that he lied/lies to me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's not my white knight and rock .
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:12 PM
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I'm so sorry, giliji. The hardest part, sometimes, is just accepting the simple truths.

I couldn't believe it when my ex told me about the affair....and that is was still going on. I thought he and I were a team, us and the rest of the world. But he broke that team, and I finally decided I couldn't wait around being one-half of something broken.

I wanted to move on and be whole again, with or without someone in my life. By far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm sorry you are hurting today...

Can you distract yourself getting ready for your first day on your new job?! What are you going to wear?!
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by giliji View Post
I'm tired of hearing lies.
Understand that. When you start hearing (or likely have, I suppose) his lies coming back from other folks who are trying to make sense of things -- it really gets weird. And More Tiresome.

Although I'm tempted to ask him to honestly tell me if he was drinking while he was out of town last week. But I don't know what that will accomplish.
Let me guess. More Lies? And then Lies About the Lies?

Hammer he is actively drinking but won't admit it and drinks secretly.
ahhhh. So you have a looonnnnggg road ahead. Well makes for Plenty of Time to Work on YOUR Side of things, I suppose. Which is really a Very Good thing.

Once you hit into the Steps, the lying is just background noise, like a passing car, or crickets chirping or something. Someone will say something about something like his lying and it sort of sounds like the weather -- Cold Day out today -- Yeah sure is -- and then move on to what actually interests you.

You only have to sit and deal on the misery side of this as long you have to or you need to.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:26 PM
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Seren, being a team, us together against everyone else. That pretty much sums it up. That's what I thought. BTW I'm not the one starting a new job

Hammer I had started going to al-anon but things have changed and I haven't been able to get back. There are not many meetings here. The ones that are around are too late at night.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:29 PM
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Oh, right.....forgive the old woman...it's been a long day
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:31 PM
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No problem. I totally understand. Lol
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:35 PM
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Is there a Celebrate Recovery near? It is alot the same but backed up with scripture, it has helped me immensely. Just a thought!

Originally Posted by giliji View Post
Hammer I had started going to al-anon but things have changed and I haven't been able to get back. There are not many meetings here. The ones that are around are too late at night.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:42 PM
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Yeah the lies. I think the best advice that worked for me was to stop even expecting the truth. Sad to say it's just part of their alcoholism. The lying is about him not you no matter how you express to him that it makes you feel. The very last time I comforted my AH about a bold faced lie it was met with total silence, he had no answer or even feigned remorse at all. The lies are all about protecting the alcohol, there is no rational thought as to how it affects anyone around them, and if there is, it's brief and often used as yet another excuse to drink more. Big hugs to you giliji, I know that kind of pain and I so hope you can come to terms with it and not let it eat at you while to continue working on your own healing.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:45 PM
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There is CR. However, the facilitator is someone have known for many years but we aren't as close as we used to be. It would not work for me. Also I have had problems with Christianity for several years now. We used to be very involved in the church.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:51 PM
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Thanks HikerLady. I understand about the lies being from the alcohol, but what about in the beginning and he first started hiding it. The alcohol didn't have a hold of him yet. I used to think I could talk to him about anything. Its so sad that I don't trust him anymore.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:52 PM
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I am sorry to hear that. I hope you continue to seek even a non-step based support group. Of course, we are always here for you too!


Originally Posted by giliji View Post
There is CR. However, the facilitator is someone have known for many years but we aren't as close as we used to be. It would not work for me. Also I have had problems with Christianity for several years now. We used to be very involved in the church.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:54 PM
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Thanks Hopeful. I'm sorry about it to. Christianity/church was a part of my life until 7 years ago.
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