spedteach

How have others handled relapses by the A's in their lives? Mine was sober (to my knowledge) for the last 10 years at least. He has been drinking again since Thanksgiving. I posted last week that he asked me if I would be mad if he drank, I didn't get into it with him, just told him he's an adult and he needed to decide for himself what he was going to do, however, I would not be supportive of him drinking.

I have stuck by my word to not comment on it, and to worry about me and my ds through this. I haven't changed a thing I do however, his drinking, clearly changes what he does or doesn't do around the house.

In the past month, he was drinking daily and after he missed work last week, I have noticed he's made a huge effort (I'm sure that is what he'd say) to not drink daily. Big whoop, he's still doing it at least every other day.

Did you ever comment about it? Here's where I'm at...after a lot of thinking, soul searching, talking to someone close to me, I will not make empty threats, I'm not even at a point where I want to do that, however, I will not lie for him, cover up for him, buy for him, clean up after him, anything. But, I also feel like I'm not sure that it's right to be silent and say nothing, let him figure it out or let him know I'm concerned it's getting out of hand. I do NOT want to be his excuse, but I also find it very hard to sit back and be quiet much longer. I KNOW he realizes he's wrong and has a problem, he commmented to me 1 time already that he's very overwhelmed but nothing beyond that...and that's his excuse for drinking. I realize that there is nothing I can say or do, he will stop when he's ready. But by being silent, does that come across as I'm okay with what he's doing? I'm not or does he KNOW I'm not and the less I say the better?

Thanks!!! Can use some insight on this.

Hawkeye13

Maybe if you haven't been direct and clear about consequences for relapse you can meet for coffee and in a calm, non-judgemental way, tell him what you are and aren't willing to have in your life.

If he doesn't know since he was not drinking when you met him, he does have a right to know in my opinion.

Recovering2

Sounds like he's fighting it if he's trying to drink every other day. So maybe you do have an opportunity to have an honest conversation with him on a sober day. Keep the conversation focused on you. What you are observing, what you will/won't live with. Maybe define your boundaries. You won't wake him if he doesn't wake up for work, won't lie for him, won't be his alibi, won't clean up his messes, won't lie to your ds, etc. Let him know you believe since he's been sober before, he can do it again...but he needs to seek assistance.
Then step back, and let him make his choices. In the meantime, find an Alanon group and get some support for you moving forward.
Wishing you all the best.

Raider

That is so sad. It's heartbreaking for this A to hear relapse after so long. I guess we just hope, as you do, that after a period of time, relapse isn't an option. Very painful. I'm am so sorry.

CodeJob

Spedteach,

Does your A have a sponsor or close friend who could drag him off to a meeting?

It is pointless to talk to him if he isn't sober. I guess you could ask him how he plans to regain his sobriety. Maybe say something like, "Honey, what do you plan to do to stop?" Then just be quiet. I'm not good at the quiet part. I'd have all kinds of plans to share dispersed with F-bombs. That is not detachment. I at least want a light saber if I have to walk around acting like a Jedi. I need an AlAnon light saber that zaps the 12 steps.

10 years is a pretty impressive run. You must be really hurt to see him choosing alcoholism - again - after such a lull. You are clearly doing a lot of things right. I wish you the best!

hopeful4

I think it is a matter of you going to meetings and/or therapy to figure out what you can or cannot handle. For me, in my head, I cannot handle it. I mentally cannot sit back and watch it because of the fear and anxiety it causes for me in my life. I have anxiety disorder so it is hard to handle and I cannot do it.

I agree you should talk to him and see where his head is at when he is not drinking. I would think after that long of sobriety he would be pretty mad at himself for this, and if so that is a good thing. He may also be thinking he can handle it, thinking he proved for how long he could be sober, so he is cured. You just don't really know.

I think you are doing the right thing by not engaging with him about it, not pushing him about it, it only makes it worse. What you need is a conversation so you can see what he wants from himself. You can make boundaries for you in what you are willing to do in your own life with this.

It is baby steps. Keep posting, you are not alone.

involved

It sounds like he knows...I think your fine not saying too much. Maybe put his big book in place of the magazines in the bathroom.

BlueSkies1

I am right there in the same place. I've said things, and he vacillates between acknowledgement of a problem and being absolutely fine with it. The thing with mine is, he will say one thing one day and the opposite the next week, and then I feel jerked around and placated.
So don't expect him to say "I'm going to quit this nonsense" because most of the time he is fine with it if there are no consequences that he is afraid of.

His work is apparently something that will bother him to lose. So he shapes up just enough to get himself to his job. But he wants to see just how much he can drink and not miss work.
That's where his priority is. How much can he drink and not suffer consequences.

"But by being silent, does that come across as I'm okay with what he's doing? "
Not really. He probably knows by now whether you are ok with it or not, right? Have you ever told him?
He's ok with you not being ok with it and him continuing on anyway.

shil2587

My exbf was a chronic relapser. Our situation was different to yours in that we were not quite living together. When he picked up, we agreed that we would not speak to each other except to check the other was ok, about once every two or three days. Even that was limited to 'still alive' or something similar.

But, when he was detoxing he was allowed to stay with me so this is where I have a little experience with having an active/tapering A in the house. I made it clear that he would not sleep in the same bed as me until completely sober. Not as punishment, neither one of us saw it that way, but rather to give me space to process and to protect me mentally from being too close to addiction. I thought of it as that I had chosen to be in a relationship with sober him. I was not dating drunk him. That helped both of us see that if he didn't sort himself out, the relationship could not survive. Although when it did it was a shock to me as I wasn't ready to go.

My point is that having that conversation, telling him you are with a recovering, sober man and not the drunk version worked for us. Putting some agreed sleeping distance and no conversation while drinking, gave me the space I needed and gave him the space he needed. It might help you. Take what's useful. :-)

fedup3

IMHO I think he knows oh so very well the road he's heading down and saying anything about it to him won't make a bit of difference. It's his road.

spedteach

Thanks. To be clear, we have been together 23 years and married 18. So I saw him at his worst with drinking in the past, was married and the mother of his child when he went to rehab 2 xs, watched him lose 2 jobs but manage to get himself turned around and make his career much better. I have been to alanon, been too long and that is on my list but need to find a meeting that works with my work schedule as I cannot take the time off. Our son isn't aware of what is going on but he and I had a long talk about drinking and if dad ever went back to it. My husband is hiding it from our son. I would say at this point he's trying hard to control or lImit the amount he drinks, which won't last for long.

In the past he was fully aware of how I felt about it and when I stopped enabling and started worrying about me he stopped. He didn't seem to like AA and was diagnosed as clinically depressed, I believe he drank to self medicate as once he started the medication for depression, drinking was a nonissue. Apparently he is off his medication as I do not here him taking it in the morning. Yes, I believe he needs AA however, that's his choice and he needs to do it. I believe he is riddled with guilt about this as he has been very kInd to me and I think he's expecting me to blow up or lose my cool. Believe me, the f bomb comes out of my mouth a lot when he's not around.

And I guess he knows how I feel, maybe he sees no consequences though because I am quiet and not yelling?? I know that no one can tell me what to do or when, but I am a talker and I need to bounce it around before I make a move.

I guess if I say anything I want him to know I am concerned for him that he's drinking and I am concerned about the Jack Daniels bottle meaning more to him than his family. Not worded well but you get the drift. Because truthfully, this goes 1 of 2 ways as I see it. I don't really like 1 of the options so I pray it doesn't go that way!!

Thanks!

CodeJob

Spedteach, he is your partner. You have every right to tell him you are concerned for him.

You could set a boundary, but then u have to enforce it.

choublak

This made me LOL.