Drugs and cheating
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 2
Drugs and cheating
I am new to this and not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum, but here I go.
My husband is in rehab, he has been addicted to pain meds for years. I do not do drugs or drink alcohol. Aside from the drug issue, which I have been aware and have been begging him to get help, I was certain he was cheating on me. Finally I was able to confront him with proof, this was not a one time thing, but a full blown affair for two years. He would use my business trips to take her on weekend get always, buy her gifts, send her love songs via email (amongst other things), they had set days in which he would work late ( they work together). Apparently, everyone in the office knew, I finally confronted one of his coworkers. Basically in the past two years he gave her everything he was denying to me his love, time and money. Not to mention, I make double what he makes, so he used my money on her... And on drugs. Now that I busted him cheating, he says that it was all because of the drugs, he loves me and wants to fix things. He says he can't get sober and go thru the process without me. I am being supportive, I love him, but am afraid for when he gets out of rehab, I don't want him home, I need time to heal. I need for him to prove to me that it is me he loves, that he is clean... I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. I don't know what to do, leave? I can't get over the fact that he uses the drugs as a scapegoat for the love affair.
My husband is in rehab, he has been addicted to pain meds for years. I do not do drugs or drink alcohol. Aside from the drug issue, which I have been aware and have been begging him to get help, I was certain he was cheating on me. Finally I was able to confront him with proof, this was not a one time thing, but a full blown affair for two years. He would use my business trips to take her on weekend get always, buy her gifts, send her love songs via email (amongst other things), they had set days in which he would work late ( they work together). Apparently, everyone in the office knew, I finally confronted one of his coworkers. Basically in the past two years he gave her everything he was denying to me his love, time and money. Not to mention, I make double what he makes, so he used my money on her... And on drugs. Now that I busted him cheating, he says that it was all because of the drugs, he loves me and wants to fix things. He says he can't get sober and go thru the process without me. I am being supportive, I love him, but am afraid for when he gets out of rehab, I don't want him home, I need time to heal. I need for him to prove to me that it is me he loves, that he is clean... I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. I don't know what to do, leave? I can't get over the fact that he uses the drugs as a scapegoat for the love affair.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 99
You'll find a lot of support on SR and sorry you're having to go through this. In all honesty, as I read your post my first thought was he completely used it as an excuse. The other thing that stuck out is he's going to have to go through the process on his own. He can't rely on you to beat this for him and needs to find his own strength to beat the addiction (like all of us here). I have gone through something very similar and it really sucks... good luck!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Having been the man in this scenario in my life.... a fact of which I am not at all proud but feel I've finally worked beyond the shame and guilt of - I can say some things from personal experience.
First - it's not "because of the drugs", but certainly the drugs and alcohol are a big factor. For me, it was more because of ME. Emptiness in me. Emptiness engendered by my own sense of failings, my own dissonance with the gaps between what I pictured my life to be and what it was. My own loneliness and sorrow and despair and searching to fill a void.
Whether drugs, alcohol, another woman.... it was all attempted salve for the same wounds.
In my case I tried for six years beyond the affair to 'make it work'.... but I didn't focus on healing myself. And so it didn't. I didn't really look honestly at my addictions. I wasn't able, as a result, to truly seek forgiveness of my then wife. And thus I was never able to help her heal from it either, so we were caught. She wasn't able to forgive me nor I myself. It was years before I understood this, well beyond our divorce.
I don't mean to paint a hopeless picture but perhaps to shed some firsthand insight to things that MAY be true for your husband as well as for you.
If he is committed to getting clean and sober, to working with you in counseling, to working on your relationship from the ground up in recovery... if YOU are committed to getting support for yourself, to healing your wounds and being willing to open yourself to the vulnerability of trust again and honestly working on forgiveness, honestly able to communicate what that will mean in terms of your needs from him.....
If you are both honestly and deeply committed to caring for your OWN wounds and working as a partnership to find a new basis for a loving and lasting relationship - then all of this could be a gift of sorts that you'll look back upon as a time of challenge and pain that brought you compassion, understanding and a new kind of love.
But it won't be easy and you definitely need to begin with self-care. That is all you can really control.... understanding yourself, caring for yourself and KNOWING yourself deeply enough to communicate to him your needs and your truths in all of this. He must focus on himself and healing himself, to the point that he is even capable of hearing and seeing you.
I feel for you both, and wish you the best.
First - it's not "because of the drugs", but certainly the drugs and alcohol are a big factor. For me, it was more because of ME. Emptiness in me. Emptiness engendered by my own sense of failings, my own dissonance with the gaps between what I pictured my life to be and what it was. My own loneliness and sorrow and despair and searching to fill a void.
Whether drugs, alcohol, another woman.... it was all attempted salve for the same wounds.
In my case I tried for six years beyond the affair to 'make it work'.... but I didn't focus on healing myself. And so it didn't. I didn't really look honestly at my addictions. I wasn't able, as a result, to truly seek forgiveness of my then wife. And thus I was never able to help her heal from it either, so we were caught. She wasn't able to forgive me nor I myself. It was years before I understood this, well beyond our divorce.
I don't mean to paint a hopeless picture but perhaps to shed some firsthand insight to things that MAY be true for your husband as well as for you.
If he is committed to getting clean and sober, to working with you in counseling, to working on your relationship from the ground up in recovery... if YOU are committed to getting support for yourself, to healing your wounds and being willing to open yourself to the vulnerability of trust again and honestly working on forgiveness, honestly able to communicate what that will mean in terms of your needs from him.....
If you are both honestly and deeply committed to caring for your OWN wounds and working as a partnership to find a new basis for a loving and lasting relationship - then all of this could be a gift of sorts that you'll look back upon as a time of challenge and pain that brought you compassion, understanding and a new kind of love.
But it won't be easy and you definitely need to begin with self-care. That is all you can really control.... understanding yourself, caring for yourself and KNOWING yourself deeply enough to communicate to him your needs and your truths in all of this. He must focus on himself and healing himself, to the point that he is even capable of hearing and seeing you.
I feel for you both, and wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 57
Sounds like a horrible position to be in. I wish you luck. To speak candidly though,it sounds like he is displacing the blame on the drugs. Drugs undeniably impair judgement, but they aren't like demonic possessions. That was him cheating, not the drugs. If he can't even take full accountability that is problematic. It is not my place to suggest whether you leave him or not, nonetheless I agree that you need to look at this matter to see what will benefit you. Do not let your husband inveigle you with guilt, when I was going through recovery my fiancé left me for a reason that parallels your own. I tried to make her feel as guilty as possible, going as far as using again to get her attention. This was pathetic from my perspective, and it severely emotionally damaged my fiancé. Do whats best for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I agree Jeeves...
on the other hand, if he's deep in it - he may not yet even have the capacity to see this.
I know that for me, it was all wrapped up together. The use of drugs and alcohol was partially symptomatic of things inside of me that needed healing and my own addiction. These combined to create the state of mind that would enable my mind to justify an affair.
It was a long process to clear that mindspace sufficiently to begin seeing what was really going on. Unfortunately, it took years and years and it wasn't possible to salvage the marriage.
on the other hand, if he's deep in it - he may not yet even have the capacity to see this.
I know that for me, it was all wrapped up together. The use of drugs and alcohol was partially symptomatic of things inside of me that needed healing and my own addiction. These combined to create the state of mind that would enable my mind to justify an affair.
It was a long process to clear that mindspace sufficiently to begin seeing what was really going on. Unfortunately, it took years and years and it wasn't possible to salvage the marriage.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Lupa 
I am being supportive, I love him, but am afraid for when he gets out of rehab, I don't want him home, I need time to heal. I need for him to prove to me that it is me he loves, that he is clean... I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. I don't know what to do, leave? I can't get over the fact that he uses the drugs as a scapegoat for the love affair.
Affairs are like a drug addiction. Same biochemistry in the brain. He has been chasing that "high" for years, and taking other drugs. And yeah, he treated you like dirt while he chased his own emptiness.
You do need time to heal. Take it. Do what you need to do to recover. A really good therapist helps!
The bed he is in ~ is the one he made for himself. Sometimes the best help you can be, is to let people feel the consequences of their actions. He still has a lot to learn, especially if I understand his comments to mean that he needs you to recover. That's up to him, not you. He can only do that for himself.
I know it hurts ~ but buffering him from his choices, by letting him off the hook, won't help him. And it would be you paying his price.
Compassion isn't the same as being nice. Compassion for yourself is important. Compassion for him, may look something like letting a drug addict go through recovery feeling the burn of his own choices.
Maybe you guys will end up together ~~ maybe you won't. You don't need to decide that right now. You have time.
I do hope you can take care of yourself. What you just experienced was a double whammy of searing pain. Think of yourself first....he's a big boy. It's ok to ask him to leave. Get help with that if you need it.
I really liked what FreeOwl said. Really liked it! So true.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 45
A friend of mine's husband had a similar thing going - an affair that lasted for two or three years. He, too, spent a great deal of the family's money on her while scrimping on his wife and kids. When he got caught, she also got told the same "but I love you!" story and ended up forgiving him and going back to him. A few months later, she caught him cheating again. Was she surprised? Yup. Was anybody else surprised? Nope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 2
Thank you to everyone for the responses and support. I went to a nar-anon meeting last night, and I will continue to go just to see if it helps me, however first impression and thought ... This is not for me. I am sure this a normal reaction for many new comers to these meetings. Everyday I am finding out more and more about his web of lies, which were not about getting drugs but about his affair. I am fortunate enough to stand on my own two feet as I am financially secure, so I could easily move on, the only thing that holds me is that I still love him, what we were, and could have been. He keeps calling me everyday, telling me he is rehab for us, I am the love of his life, he can't do this without me. So it makes it so much harder to let go. After all I am married to him. Next Tuesday I am going to see him in rehab and I plan to tell him, I love him and I am willing to give him a chance to get his act together, but it cannot be under the same roof, he has to figure out what he really wants and based on his behavior and actions, and if he really wants me, I will then decide if he is the man I want in my life. Not sure if this will be a set back for him on his drug recovery, but the truth is even if I still love him with all my heart, even if I cry myself to sleep every night, I have to do what is right for me. Thank you again to everyone.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Hi Lupa. So sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you are taking some great steps.
I just wanted to add that if you are planning to separate, it may not be a bad idea to consult an attorney. There should be some record of his infidelity and it may be easier to get him to sign off on that now, than later. I don't mean to be doom and gloom at all! It's just, you mentioned several times that you are the main breadwinner in your household. Men filing for spousal support is becoming very common. I think that even though you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to work through it- taking practical steps to protect yourself, may be wise at this point.
Hang in there.
I just wanted to add that if you are planning to separate, it may not be a bad idea to consult an attorney. There should be some record of his infidelity and it may be easier to get him to sign off on that now, than later. I don't mean to be doom and gloom at all! It's just, you mentioned several times that you are the main breadwinner in your household. Men filing for spousal support is becoming very common. I think that even though you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to work through it- taking practical steps to protect yourself, may be wise at this point.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I am sorry for what you have had to deal with. Not only are you dealing with another persons addiction but you are also dealing with infidelity in your marriage. Having your space at this time seems like the best thing for you. I would not want my husband home either. There is a lot to process and to try to make sense of, and the last thing I would want is an explanation, a reason, a promise, or any words. I would want space and time to think.
"I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. I don't know what to do, leave? I can't get over the fact that he uses the drugs as a scapegoat for the love affair" (Lupa, 2014).
Matters of the heart are not so black and white. What is good for you may not be good for another. No one can really say what will and will not work for you and the life that you will have to live. I am sorry for your hurt. Have you thought about talking with a professional?
"I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. I don't know what to do, leave? I can't get over the fact that he uses the drugs as a scapegoat for the love affair" (Lupa, 2014).
Matters of the heart are not so black and white. What is good for you may not be good for another. No one can really say what will and will not work for you and the life that you will have to live. I am sorry for your hurt. Have you thought about talking with a professional?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi,
I am sorry you are going through all of this. I loved everything that LillianGish said.
You followed up with this: "telling me he is rehab for us, I am the love of his life, he can't do this without me."
That is your husband's fear and addiction talking. My husband, when confronted or feeling threatened by the consequences of his bad behavior would do or say all of the above to get himself off the hook. But when he does that, he is placing responsibility for his recovery on me and not on himself where responsibility should be. "I am doing this for US....I can't do this without you."
Sure he can. Don't believe that he can't. Addicts are like cats. A cat could fall out of a three story window to what to us would be certain doom but they will right themselves on the way down, maybe take a bounce and then get up and walk away like nothing happened, tail held high.
Take this time to heal yourself. I would want space and not have him there but that is me.
I am sorry you are going through all of this. I loved everything that LillianGish said.
You followed up with this: "telling me he is rehab for us, I am the love of his life, he can't do this without me."
That is your husband's fear and addiction talking. My husband, when confronted or feeling threatened by the consequences of his bad behavior would do or say all of the above to get himself off the hook. But when he does that, he is placing responsibility for his recovery on me and not on himself where responsibility should be. "I am doing this for US....I can't do this without you."
Sure he can. Don't believe that he can't. Addicts are like cats. A cat could fall out of a three story window to what to us would be certain doom but they will right themselves on the way down, maybe take a bounce and then get up and walk away like nothing happened, tail held high.
Take this time to heal yourself. I would want space and not have him there but that is me.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by Ruby2
Addicts are like cats. A cat could fall out of a three story window to what to us would be certain doom but they will right themselves on the way down, maybe take a bounce and then get up and walk away like nothing happened, tail held high
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
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I was unfaithful to my gf during my heaviest drinking period. I can say that it was not because of the booze and your husband's excuse about it being because of the drugs is just a way for him to cover his a$$. The alcohol maybe caused me to make some stupid decisions, but in end I wasn't happy in the relationship and probably wasn't in love. That's why I drank and sought out other women's attention.
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