iwanthappiness

My AH and I have been separated for about 3 months now. I'm living in our home with our 2 girls and he is living in an apartment.

To make a long, crazy story short, I had to file a restraining order on him due to violence. He was also arrested and placed in jail over night. As soon as he was released, he ended up basically homeless in his car for several days until he admitted himself to detox.

We have been civil up until recently. Our rule is not to discuss the past......just work on ourselves. He's able to see the kids Wednesday night at our house (with me present) and at soccer practices.

Here's my question.....I'm struggling with the blame! Wish I could tell you I'm not. I go to counseling and attend some Al-anon but do not have a sponsor yet.

He sent a nasty text stating that I had fabricated the whole violence issue, put him in jail for NO reason which has spiraled our financial status into the toilet. When in reality, his four luxury rehabs sent us into a financial collapse! He's not able to admit anything and keeps blaming me!! Also said that I was a very cold person. REALLY?

I know I have my own faults, but cold is not one of them....I don't think any of us codies are.

Just looking for reinsurance that is "quaking?" Part of me is so worried that he will drink himself to death. This totally STINKS!

Thanks!

MissFixit

That is quacking. Blameshifting and denial.

SparkleKitty

Quack.

lillamy

I disagree. I wouldn't describe this as quacking:
I would describe that as emotional abuse. Gaslighting. Which is a step further down in the hellhole than simple quacking.

Stung

I agree with Amy. Quacking (as far as my understanding goes) is more along the lines of talking nonsense, harmless but still its nonsense about their drinking. Like saying that everyone is really an alcoholic when you think about it or that having a few drinks a day is actually good for your health. Anything to try to minimize what they're doing or to try to normalize their behavior is quacking. Blaming you for his problems is more like projecting, calling you cold, and verbally and emotionally abusing you, saying you fabricated the violence.

Sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs.

FeelingGreat

hi iwanthappiness, this might be totally off-beam, but is there any chance he's setting up his own story in anticipation of legal action like a divorce or DV charges?
If that's not likely it sounds like he's delusional, I mean you were both there when the DV took place, and it's on record how much you've spent on rehab.
I know this might be hard to do, but try to think of him as a little kid saying 'I didn't do it!' You wouldn't let that mess with your sense of reality would you?

hopeful4

It's just BS. They do not put you in jail for no reason. Remember the 3 C's and stay strong for you and your children. He's a grown man let him figure out his own mess.

iwanthappiness

I do believe he's delusional or just not willing to accept what he did because of his pride? Too painful? So hard to tell. Or maybe a reason to drink?

Do I ignore the texts? Time for a lawyer? Didn't want it to end this way,....my heart is breaking. So very sad.

FeelingGreat

Hi, I know how much I wanted a good natured clean break with my ex but unfortunately it takes 2. If you are firm in your intention to separate he may feel he has nothing to lose by being verbally abusive. It may also be his default reaction to stress, judging from his past behaviour.
Once it gets in legal territory it can get nasty, but please don't let that stop you seeking professional advice if there are assets to be divided up. Women are often too eager to keep things nice, and give away financial security.
My own experience was once the legal and emotional separation was through I was able to resume a good co-operative relationship with my EXH and I hope it's the same for you.

fluffyflea

If you take the "me" out of "blame" then you are left with bla bla bla.

Yes it's quacking.

Hopeworks

Yep. 3rd Degree Quack Attack with malice and forethought

HopefulinFLA

Quacking, denial, blameshifting. Cold? Didn't think it was possible for a codie to be cold. Sounds like he has a lot of work to do!

HopefulinFLA

That's perfect!

iwanthappiness

This ISN'T the person I married 18 years ago!

I obviously have a lot of work to do to.....as well as he. While trying to recover, he was never verbally, physically, or mentally abusive. This seems to have come on so quickly, within the past 4 months. Is this typical as the disease progresses??

I'm trying NOT to let this bother me, but its so hard. Just feel so beaten up.

Time to focus on ME. Okay, thanks for letting me vent. This site has been extremely helpful. Thank you everyone!

Hawkeye13

I got meaner and meaner as the years went on and I was drinking.
I can't really tell you why even now. Just angry and dumping my resentments and fears on my partner.
It was totally wrong and unfair, but I kept doing it until I quit drinking.

I think it happens to many who drink.

I'm glad you have chosen to protect yourself from it.
I regret very much what I did to my husband and have been trying to be extremely kind and respectful since.
I can't take it back, but I can choose this moment how to act.
So could your husband if he chooses to quit and work recovery, but it sounds like he is too busy gaslighting and blaming you which is BS.

I hope your family finds peace and healing. You are making sense. He is not. Please have faith in yourself.

boomtruck

Don't know enough about quacking, but do know they like to bite the hand that feeds them. After my AH left us and moved 1500 miles away to "get a fresh start" with his lifelong friend, he turned on them. He stayed at their house for 10 months without paying a stitch of rent. He went to rehab twice(while threatening suicide), picked up for DUI hundreds of miles away, which they came, paid his bail, and drove him home. They did more than most people would do for a family member and all he can talk about is how selfish they are because they wouldn't give him one of their "extra" laptop computers, they actually wanted money for it. He is bitter and angry at this couple for helping him---but it wasn't the help he wanted--all he wanted to do was drink and feel sorry for himself.
Seek legal help, take care of #1-YOU, and let him wallow in the mud he has made.

iwanthappiness

Thank you for your honesty Hawkeye13. What you wrote really helped.

Kindeyes

Texts or phone calls that are respectful.....I respond to. Texts or phone calls that are blaming, shaming, angry, abusive, manipulative, etc.....do not get a response from me.

In my experience, quacking is usually minimizing, making promises to temporarily appease, talking nonsense, illogical or circular arguments, etc. When it moves into blaming, shaming, manipulation, degradation, insults, threats, etc......it is emotional and psychological abuse. My boundary.....I will not willingly allow anyone to emotionally or psychologically abuse me and I do not have to listen to quacking. I will use exit strategies or not respond. Period. Those types of behaviors are typically employed to get a response. When it doesn't work, it stops (after a period of escalating to try to get a response.....and that is when it can get dangerous).

The "you are cold" is a guilt tactic. If you are ever feeling Fear, Obligation, Guilt (F.O.G.) while talking to someone, that is a good signal that the person you are talking to is trying to manipulate you. F.O.G. tactics are used to create self doubt and unclear thinking.

Just my two cents and worth about that!

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

iwanthappiness

Kindeyes, never heard the term F.O.G. before. This totally makes sense. I did not respond to his text and I'm so glad. He even tried calling again, and I did not answer. We recently relocated to a new state, far away from friends and family. I'm seriously thinking about moving home.