I need help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
I need help.
My situation: My wife has, over the last 5-6 years, started drinking really heavily. She was always inclined to excessive consumption, but it has got to a point that's become unbearable for me.
In a typical week, she goes through 8 litres of cask white wine and 6-8 bottles of red wine. Every evening from around 5 o'clock till late. She becomes stupid and loud, progresses to aggression, and often ends up blacked out with no memory of what she's said or done.
A few times a year she falls over and hurts herself, we've narrowly escaped house fires from her passing out with the stove on while I'm at work.
Attempts to discuss what I see as a problem are met with rage, denial, and blaming me for everything. She is functional as far as turning up for her job, but she must still be drunk from the night before. Her employment never lasts more than a year or two.
She doesn't drink during the day, which is her definition of alcoholic. But "sundowners" starts at 5, and carries on till near midnight or blackout, whichever comes first.
How can I help her see that she needs to change this pattern?
Our marriage is basically over, I've had a separate bedroom for 5 years, otherwise I get no sleep at all.
Any suggestions ? I'm desperate, this can't go on.
In a typical week, she goes through 8 litres of cask white wine and 6-8 bottles of red wine. Every evening from around 5 o'clock till late. She becomes stupid and loud, progresses to aggression, and often ends up blacked out with no memory of what she's said or done.
A few times a year she falls over and hurts herself, we've narrowly escaped house fires from her passing out with the stove on while I'm at work.
Attempts to discuss what I see as a problem are met with rage, denial, and blaming me for everything. She is functional as far as turning up for her job, but she must still be drunk from the night before. Her employment never lasts more than a year or two.
She doesn't drink during the day, which is her definition of alcoholic. But "sundowners" starts at 5, and carries on till near midnight or blackout, whichever comes first.
How can I help her see that she needs to change this pattern?
Our marriage is basically over, I've had a separate bedroom for 5 years, otherwise I get no sleep at all.
Any suggestions ? I'm desperate, this can't go on.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
In the Alcoholic mind The best defense is a good offense - Blaming is common, however know that you did not Cause, can not Control nor can Cure, alcoholism.We call that the 3 C's.
Unfortunately alcoholism is progressive (or degenerative) and until she hit's bottom, there is not a lot an outside source can do. I would suggest you look into al-anon meetings. A support group can be helpful and you will find comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your situation.
In Al-anon you will gain tools such as detachment, you will learn that some of the "help" you may have offered is rather what is known as enabling and if so you will learn alternatives to such behaviors. She is in denial and they eyes are little good to those who refuse to see, but you can gain serenity, regardless of whether she continues to drink or not.
Unfortunately alcoholism is progressive (or degenerative) and until she hit's bottom, there is not a lot an outside source can do. I would suggest you look into al-anon meetings. A support group can be helpful and you will find comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your situation.
In Al-anon you will gain tools such as detachment, you will learn that some of the "help" you may have offered is rather what is known as enabling and if so you will learn alternatives to such behaviors. She is in denial and they eyes are little good to those who refuse to see, but you can gain serenity, regardless of whether she continues to drink or not.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I'm sorry you are going through this. Living with addiction is a nightmare. Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
You didn't mention if there are children living in the house. If there are, then, of course, they should be the main focus. Growing up in an alcoholic household is very detrimental to their well being.
If you don't have children living at home, then it becomes just a matter of what you are willing to live with. You cannot get her sober. You have no control over what she does, as you know all too well.
You didn't mention if there are children living in the house. If there are, then, of course, they should be the main focus. Growing up in an alcoholic household is very detrimental to their well being.
If you don't have children living at home, then it becomes just a matter of what you are willing to live with. You cannot get her sober. You have no control over what she does, as you know all too well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Lon, welcome to SR. There is a lot of great information on this site. I'm sorry to echo what you already know. For at least 5 years I imagine you've asked her to change her alcoholic pattern, but she has not. Only she holds that power to deal with it. You sound weary to me. The best cure is to focus on yourself because that is all you can affect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
Thanks. These replies reinforce what I've instinctively been doing.
To preserve my own sanity I've stopped being wound up about it. I'm not to blame, and it seems I can do nothing to help her.
Fortunately we have no children.
Simply leaving and getting on with my life is problematic.
All our money is tied up in a property which we co-own and share with her sister, who also drinks a lot and refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem.
If I left today, I would be basically stony broke and homeless. They refuse to even consider selling up and making a fair division of assets. I don't have the money to engage legal help, everything I've worked for the last 20+ years is tied up in our home.
It is profoundly depressing and sad.
To preserve my own sanity I've stopped being wound up about it. I'm not to blame, and it seems I can do nothing to help her.
Fortunately we have no children.
Simply leaving and getting on with my life is problematic.
All our money is tied up in a property which we co-own and share with her sister, who also drinks a lot and refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem.
If I left today, I would be basically stony broke and homeless. They refuse to even consider selling up and making a fair division of assets. I don't have the money to engage legal help, everything I've worked for the last 20+ years is tied up in our home.
It is profoundly depressing and sad.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Lon,
Welcome!
Lucky for you there are many wonderful resources to help you preserve your sanity and figure out how to navigate this relationship. A re you in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. Have you been to alanon?
Welcome!
Lucky for you there are many wonderful resources to help you preserve your sanity and figure out how to navigate this relationship. A re you in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. Have you been to alanon?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Lon
I'm so sorry about your situation. As far as the legal situation are there any non-profit or law school clinics that might be if help to you? Just so you know your rights, not saying you need to make any decisions now, but forewarned is forearmed. Take care.
I'm so sorry about your situation. As far as the legal situation are there any non-profit or law school clinics that might be if help to you? Just so you know your rights, not saying you need to make any decisions now, but forewarned is forearmed. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Hi Lon;
Sorry you are going through this.
Do check into free legal because if you live in a community property state, they will have no choice about selling or buying you out at half the value if you are legally divorcing / seperating.
You do have some rights.
I know right now it seems hopeless, but get some support (Alanon, therapist) and figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve peace and the drinking will continue to get worse.
Best to you in a very hard time after a long road.
Sorry you are going through this.
Do check into free legal because if you live in a community property state, they will have no choice about selling or buying you out at half the value if you are legally divorcing / seperating.
You do have some rights.
I know right now it seems hopeless, but get some support (Alanon, therapist) and figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve peace and the drinking will continue to get worse.
Best to you in a very hard time after a long road.
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