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Day 1.Mind of a schizophrenic

Old 02-25-2014, 08:55 AM
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Day 1.Mind of a schizophrenic

So smoking weed has made me delusional.I beieve that everyone has god within them therefore they can do anything"super cans". With me getting high ,plus the internet ,has distinctively changed my mindset with extensive research. I'll go from "what is dmt?" to how do we dream to lucid dreaming to the third eye and anything else that correlates..Weed changed my belief system.It started with me coming home high one day and hearing about that Colorado movie theater shooting by James Holmes.Oh before I continue I am schizophrenic so if you notice me jumping around from subject to subject then that's why..now I have to say Schizophrenia to me is just a name given to people "waking up" .The reason why I came to the conclusion to stop getting high everyday is because I noticed everything is wrong and I accepted my dependence upon "Mary". I like her a lot. When shes around I'm happy because that's what I look forward to.It's like my problems are gone, then again what was the cause? When Mary is gone when I wake up I'm sad lol.It's like my objective is to get her back then every thing will go back to normal. I realized that she is only going to leave me if I'm broke.(yes she will clean out your pockets with no remorse and leave)So my higher self said"You don't need kush, you need a life, you need to move on or she'll hold you back".I will turn 20 on March 19th of next month.I have a baby on the way due in June so I have to kick it in gear.I know everything is obtainable with the essential needs. I just have to "let go" in order to move on. The longest I stayed sober was six days.I know what causes my urges...influence.Friends would call trying to get high and I always fall victim.I told myself I will have to surround myself around positive individuals instead of"would've could've". You guys are my motivation.Right now I just want to stay sober so I can have consistent lucid dreams.By day 7 I will have a job.That's my main objective.I think I'm ready to move on.Time to enter the void of solitude.

Last edited by cece1960; 02-25-2014 at 09:21 AM.
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Old 02-25-2014, 09:23 AM
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Stay strong! You can do this. Good luck Friend.
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Old 02-25-2014, 09:55 AM
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Hi, Hedes - thank you for posting here, and I admire you for trying to stop. Are you regularly seeing a Psychiatrist for your schizophrenia, and an Ob/gyn for your pregnancy? Making sure that all of your physical and mental needs are being met will help you tremendously at reaching your goals.

Wish you all the best! Keep posting!
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Old 02-25-2014, 10:01 AM
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Hi Hedes!

I also suffer from a mild mental disorder, and have found SoberRecovery and regular AA meetings to be a great combination in staying sober.

Please let us know you are reading our messages by clicking the "Thank You" button! I can stay online for a little while...

Last edited by Coldfusion; 02-25-2014 at 10:01 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-25-2014, 10:54 AM
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Welcome Hedes xxxx
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Old 02-25-2014, 11:51 AM
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Hi Hedes, welcome to SR I have a spectrum of psychotic problems run in one lineage of my family, almost everyone in that lineage has got some symptoms, mostly milder but there have been individuals with full blown schizophrenia as well. I've never had spontaneous psychosis, but some forms of alcohol- and drug-induced, yes. Alcohol was my main drug of choice and the one that caused me problems...

Wonderful that you are trying to quit weed despite of your intense liking of it. There have been studies showing that using pot during pregnancy can case a variety of mental illness problems in the kids, especially those that already have some sort of genetic predisposition... it may be worth looking into some of these for you, perhaps with the help of a doctor...

I've also had frequent lucid dreams since childhood and trained myself further as an adult to try and use them for different kinds of self-analytical and creative purposes or just fun
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Old 02-25-2014, 12:54 PM
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Welcome Hedes. Glad you're here and working on your sobriety.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:01 PM
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Welcome to the SR family. You've come to a very supportive site.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:04 PM
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Welcome! I'm glad you found us.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by SillyString View Post
Hi, Hedes - thank you for posting here, and I admire you for trying to stop. Are you regularly seeing a Psychiatrist for your schizophrenia, and an Ob/gyn for your pregnancy? Making sure that all of your physical and mental needs are being met will help you tremendously at reaching your goals.

Wish you all the best! Keep posting!
thanks for the unexpected support.Honesty it helps. I'm glad I joined.I'm staying optimistic because I feel like conscious can do anything.Like staying sober. @sillystring not at the moment.My girlfriend is currently seeing the gynecologist* My reward for today is a lucid dream .When I'm high I can't recall my previous dream.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by haennie View Post
Hi Hedes, welcome to SR I have a spectrum of psychotic problems run in one lineage of my family, almost everyone in that lineage has got some symptoms, mostly milder but there have been individuals with full blown schizophrenia as well. I've never had spontaneous psychosis, but some forms of alcohol- and drug-induced, yes. Alcohol was my main drug of choice and the one that caused me problems...

Wonderful that you are trying to quit weed despite of your intense liking of it. There have been studies showing that using pot during pregnancy can case a variety of mental illness problems in the kids, especially those that already have some sort of genetic predisposition... it may be worth looking into some of these for you, perhaps with the help of a doctor...

I've also had frequent lucid dreams since childhood and trained myself further as an adult to try and use them for different kinds of self-analytical and creative purposes or just fun
I understand.My girlfriend was able to kick the bucket last year.Unfortunately after a consistent three years for me(since my sophomore year of h.s)I developed a strong dependence.I also developed a strong interest in lucid dreaming, astral projections, spirituality, the mind, conscious, mental illnesses, neuroscience ...I'm rambling again.Those tenacious interests and the curiosity developed from weed.why? that's a side effect.thinking to much.
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Old 02-25-2014, 02:18 PM
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You probably have a background "predisposition" for these interests. I recall being intrigued by the same subjects (and more) as a young teen already, before getting into any mind altering substances. But the substances also triggered these interests further. Unfortunately they don't give us the appropriate motivation and discipline to explore them in a constructive way - sobriety is much better, in my opinion.

I actually study some of those things as a job now, making living from my interests in the mind and the brain. Maybe you could consider something "professional" along the lines of your interests as well, seems like you are young The main reason why I finally decided to quit drinking early January this year is because alcohol seriously interfered with my ability to do my work well, and I could not stand that any longer. Plus the effects on health in general, of course. I'm liking my mind sober far better even though it hasn't been a simple challenge to get into recovery. I'm thinking, perhaps your interests would still remain after quitting the weed and you might get a lot more clarity
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Old 02-25-2014, 02:36 PM
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I agree with you fully. I'm encouraged to hear your story. It's heartening my goals to continue. Clarity is what I'm aiming for as well. I feel like my interests are getting stronger because it's so much to learn . I would love to do what your doing.I have tried searching for something at a entry level that correlates with those topics,like research positions .Still looking and of course I want to further my education as well but first I have to focus my intentions on what is important instead of being distracted by negative influences...excuse my run ons I'm just swyping away
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Old 02-25-2014, 03:29 PM
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Welcome Hedes. I hope you continue to seek clarity. I believe sobriety is a necessary element of clarity. Best to you.
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Old 02-25-2014, 03:33 PM
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Yes I would suggest to focus your energies on getting your personal issues managed well. A lot of us with substance problems had to work hard on getting rid of negative influences. I sure did, this included for example detaching myself from someone who used to be the most important/influental person for me for a good while. It's hard... but sometimes necessary and the long term result may be worth it.

Best of luck; keep posting here, you will get lots of positive attitude and support here There are also others here trying to beat weed...
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Old 02-26-2014, 06:19 PM
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-_-refail
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Old 02-27-2014, 02:16 PM
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Start all over again in the morning, really. Try, try and try again. Persist!
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Old 02-27-2014, 02:35 PM
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Welcome hedes I can relate to a lot of your post. Although I'm not a schizophrenic and pot didn't make me 'delusional' as such, it definitely triggered a rather intense interest in consciousness, spirituality, the interconnected nature of all things, Buddha, Hinduism etc etc. Now that's not necessarily a bad thing, but those who are prone to deep thinking and philosophising are probably better off without pot as it can definitely makes us less grounded in reality and less focused on our goals in life. By all means stay curious. Life is a weird and wonderful miracle after all, but for now, seeing as you're still young, focus on what you need to do to achieve what you want to achieve. You seem a really articulate and intelligent young man and I hope you find the support your looking for on this site.

I'm rooting for ya!
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Old 02-28-2014, 11:32 AM
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Hi Hedes, I hope you will come back here

Please don't get discouraged. For most of us any kind of addiction has taken a while and some trials and errors to battle. It's really worth it for the perspective on a healthier and happier future... and also, I personally find this whole struggle and recovery business as a very interesting journey into how my mind and body works.

I hope to see you back posting
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Old 02-28-2014, 01:58 PM
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You'll always find support here hedes. I hope we'll hear from you again soon

D
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