Relapse....again
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
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Relapse....again
I don't want to recap too much of my story so I'll try for the condensed version. The kids and I moved out this summer due to alcoholic craziness. We moved over 1,000 miles away to be near family. My AH was very deep in his addiction when we left. I had to really minimize contact for a while after leaving. We got together over Christmas and I was amazed at the change in him. That is when I started to believe we could get through this.
I'm following that whole give it a year thing. I found a job, not the perfect one but it works for now. I signed a lease which will be up this summer. I was really starting to believe the girls and I would move back down this summer.
There are a couple of things that sit in the back of my mind and worry me. In the fall I got a call from his boss saying they hadn't seen or heard from him in 3 days. Well we all know what that means. The job knew about his alcoholism because he had been out on disability previously. Basically they said go to inpatient treatment and he resigned. He started a new job in January. On paper I'm sure he looks like a dream job candidate.
Since the Christmas visit he has been in regular contact with the girls and I. We all really have our hopes up. I try to work my own recovery and let him do his thing. Recently I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when talking to him on the phone. He just sounded off, too goofy. Last night I asked him directly if he is drinking and of course denial. What raised the question for me was when he started talking about switching jobs again. We ended up having what I thought was a good conversation and I felt hopeful. We talked for 2 hours and then the phone just disconnected. I thought it was a little strange but figured his phone died.
This morning I get a call from his HR rep at his new job. He didn't show up yesterday and they haven't heard from him today either. Here we go again. I didn't tell her about his alcoholism, just told her I am out of town visiting family and I spoke with him last night but the phone did disconnect. I am in a panic right now. My guess would be he passed out last night while we were on the phone.
Do I have the police do a well visit? He has ended up in the ER before with BAC as high as .48.
I will go to al anon tonight. The good thing is I don't have to make any big decisions today. We have our own place, I have a full time job. Intellectually I know he is not done with his addiction. He blames job stress and is looking for the perfect job to cure things.
Do I say anything to my oldest daughter (9)? She is really hoping to move back this summer. Her therapist is currently staffing her case wondering if she is clinically depressed. The only thing that seems to help her mood is when she talks about moving back. And honestly it helped my mood too until today.
Thanks for reading. I'm just trying to keep it together at work right now.
I'm following that whole give it a year thing. I found a job, not the perfect one but it works for now. I signed a lease which will be up this summer. I was really starting to believe the girls and I would move back down this summer.
There are a couple of things that sit in the back of my mind and worry me. In the fall I got a call from his boss saying they hadn't seen or heard from him in 3 days. Well we all know what that means. The job knew about his alcoholism because he had been out on disability previously. Basically they said go to inpatient treatment and he resigned. He started a new job in January. On paper I'm sure he looks like a dream job candidate.
Since the Christmas visit he has been in regular contact with the girls and I. We all really have our hopes up. I try to work my own recovery and let him do his thing. Recently I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when talking to him on the phone. He just sounded off, too goofy. Last night I asked him directly if he is drinking and of course denial. What raised the question for me was when he started talking about switching jobs again. We ended up having what I thought was a good conversation and I felt hopeful. We talked for 2 hours and then the phone just disconnected. I thought it was a little strange but figured his phone died.
This morning I get a call from his HR rep at his new job. He didn't show up yesterday and they haven't heard from him today either. Here we go again. I didn't tell her about his alcoholism, just told her I am out of town visiting family and I spoke with him last night but the phone did disconnect. I am in a panic right now. My guess would be he passed out last night while we were on the phone.
Do I have the police do a well visit? He has ended up in the ER before with BAC as high as .48.
I will go to al anon tonight. The good thing is I don't have to make any big decisions today. We have our own place, I have a full time job. Intellectually I know he is not done with his addiction. He blames job stress and is looking for the perfect job to cure things.
Do I say anything to my oldest daughter (9)? She is really hoping to move back this summer. Her therapist is currently staffing her case wondering if she is clinically depressed. The only thing that seems to help her mood is when she talks about moving back. And honestly it helped my mood too until today.
Thanks for reading. I'm just trying to keep it together at work right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oh Catherine, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Alcoholism is a devil that gets all of us involved by the tail and just swings us around and around. I am so sorry that this is happening to your husband and you have to deal with the fallout for you and your daughters.
In this case, since he has had a BAC as high as .48, and I am sure you know that can mean a coma, stroke or worse, I'd ask for a well check on him by the police. If something has happened to him, and he can be helped medically, in this case, were I you, I would try. I think it will be better to deal with your daughters from that place than finding out that something has happened and you didn't try to get him medical help.
That's a stop-gap thing to do. I think the real issue is figuring out how to help your daughters deal with their father's alcoholism and that is a real tough one. There are a lot of issues to weigh here, especially since he appears to have given everyone hope that he recover, only to now appear to have dashed that hope again. I think the uncertainty inherent in this situation is very troubling, especially to children.
I can't imagine having to deal with this, and I wish you the best and offer my support as you think this through.
ShootingStar1
In this case, since he has had a BAC as high as .48, and I am sure you know that can mean a coma, stroke or worse, I'd ask for a well check on him by the police. If something has happened to him, and he can be helped medically, in this case, were I you, I would try. I think it will be better to deal with your daughters from that place than finding out that something has happened and you didn't try to get him medical help.
That's a stop-gap thing to do. I think the real issue is figuring out how to help your daughters deal with their father's alcoholism and that is a real tough one. There are a lot of issues to weigh here, especially since he appears to have given everyone hope that he recover, only to now appear to have dashed that hope again. I think the uncertainty inherent in this situation is very troubling, especially to children.
I can't imagine having to deal with this, and I wish you the best and offer my support as you think this through.
ShootingStar1
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I suppose I would call the police for a well check, if they are willing. Just explain that you live 1000 miles away, but are hearing from his job that he has not been seen in two days.
Does he have any friends or family nearby who could go check on him?
I'm sorry about the blow to your plans to move back home. There will probably be a point where you will be grateful that your choices were so clear, but I know you're disappointed right now.
(((hugs)))
Does he have any friends or family nearby who could go check on him?
I'm sorry about the blow to your plans to move back home. There will probably be a point where you will be grateful that your choices were so clear, but I know you're disappointed right now.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I'm sorry Catherine. It can be awful when more is revealed. Right now you and your kids are in a safe place away from the chaos, this is for him to solve. Please go to Al Anon get support, takes some deep breaths and don't let you mind go to that crazy place. Praying for you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'm so sorry Catherine, that just plain sucks. I don't have any experience to offer about calling the police to check on him, I would say follow your instincts with that. I do agree that it sounds as though he isn't done with his addiction just yet though.
I feel for your DD going through such turmoil. My DD is also 9, so I can relate all too well to that age. I don't think I'd share any info about the potential relapse until you know more details (right now it's just an educated guess, right? A good, reasonable guess, but still not backed up with facts?). I do think it would be worth discussing it with her therapist & looking for other things to focus her happiness around, since you will never be able to control when/if you move back home or when/if he succeeds in his recovery efforts to stay sober.
((((HUGS))))
I feel for your DD going through such turmoil. My DD is also 9, so I can relate all too well to that age. I don't think I'd share any info about the potential relapse until you know more details (right now it's just an educated guess, right? A good, reasonable guess, but still not backed up with facts?). I do think it would be worth discussing it with her therapist & looking for other things to focus her happiness around, since you will never be able to control when/if you move back home or when/if he succeeds in his recovery efforts to stay sober.
((((HUGS))))
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That is when I started to believe we could get through this.
with addiction, there is no WE. his drinking or his choosing to stop drinking is HIS thing. he's shown you over and over now that he's not done yet, which is sad, but it is what it is. i'd say for now to drop any notions of a quick reconciliation, that you'll be home by summer etc. that is very confusing for the children....especially when daddy keeps blowing any HOPE of that right out of the water.
he has a lot to sort out. but meanwhile you have a life to live! and job to attend, children to tend and care for. they need stability and security, which YOU can provide....but that all gets upended when you define it all as temporary with a date circled on the calendar to pack up shop and schlepp 1000 miles back the other way to what for now seems like an impossible living situation.
with addiction, there is no WE. his drinking or his choosing to stop drinking is HIS thing. he's shown you over and over now that he's not done yet, which is sad, but it is what it is. i'd say for now to drop any notions of a quick reconciliation, that you'll be home by summer etc. that is very confusing for the children....especially when daddy keeps blowing any HOPE of that right out of the water.
he has a lot to sort out. but meanwhile you have a life to live! and job to attend, children to tend and care for. they need stability and security, which YOU can provide....but that all gets upended when you define it all as temporary with a date circled on the calendar to pack up shop and schlepp 1000 miles back the other way to what for now seems like an impossible living situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I know I can't go back to that chaos again. He is making it clear that he is not ready to stop drinking. The last time things got really bad we had a front row seat. At least now I have been working on me for quite some time.
It hurts to know the kids are losing their father to this and may never really know him. Time will tell on that I guess.
I'm about to make the call to the police station to report the situation and they can decide how to handle it from there. We have no relatives down there and our neighbors are at work. As far as friends they were all my friends and some don't even know about the situation. He doesn't really have anyone but the bottle right now.
It hurts to know the kids are losing their father to this and may never really know him. Time will tell on that I guess.
I'm about to make the call to the police station to report the situation and they can decide how to handle it from there. We have no relatives down there and our neighbors are at work. As far as friends they were all my friends and some don't even know about the situation. He doesn't really have anyone but the bottle right now.
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Well the police did a welfare check. The officer said he answered the door and appeared to be sleeping. Ha ha. The officer told him to call me. I don't expect him to call anytime soon.
Up until now we had been talking nearly every day. Thinking its time to do the whole no contact thing now because what's the point of talking to him if I know he's drinking. He's probably going to be very upset about the police coming to check on him.
I'm sure he's going to lose his job but I can't control that. I want to wring his neck and throw his @ss in treatment.
Up until now we had been talking nearly every day. Thinking its time to do the whole no contact thing now because what's the point of talking to him if I know he's drinking. He's probably going to be very upset about the police coming to check on him.
I'm sure he's going to lose his job but I can't control that. I want to wring his neck and throw his @ss in treatment.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I am so sorry. I have a daughter of 8. I would see what summer activities you can get her involved in and slowly get her to wrap her mind around not moving home. It is so sad, I am truly truly sorry. I would also be guided by the therapist of course. I spoke w/my daughter's teacher at school when there was family turmoil and that helped us immensely b/c she could keep an extra eye on my daughter, she is a very kind and good person.
Anytime you need a friend feel free to PM me. Tight Hugs.
Anytime you need a friend feel free to PM me. Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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I'm so sorry, I've been in a similar situation before (being far away and "feeling it coming") and I know how bad it sucks. I think you did the right thing with calling the cops, but also with removing your family from the crazy. Your kids might have lost their dad to addiction (for now), but they have a mom who is teaching them a very important lesson for life.
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I wouldn't take his phone calls. I wouldn't take his work phone calls and I wouldn't throw his a$$ in treatment.
I would just extend my lease, enroll my children in summer programs, get them focused on settling into this new environment, and when and if he wants to get sober and re-join his family on your own turf - where the kids will be established from now on - you can re-assess at that time.
You are a good, strong mama.
I would just extend my lease, enroll my children in summer programs, get them focused on settling into this new environment, and when and if he wants to get sober and re-join his family on your own turf - where the kids will be established from now on - you can re-assess at that time.
You are a good, strong mama.
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So first off, I know I shouldn't have taken his phone call this morning. I did remain calm, didn't fall for any of his baiting. It seems so clear now that he just isn't ready to get better. In the past I would have fallen for it.
Of course he did have to say its my fault his job is in jeopardy. I told him no its your drinking and not calling in that did that. Amazing how this disease works, that he can think me answering a phone call from HR is the problem.
He did the whole talk about switching jobs, moving. He said he needs his family down there or he can't get sober. Now I hear it for what it is, quacking. I told him to get help but I only said it once.
Of course he did have to say its my fault his job is in jeopardy. I told him no its your drinking and not calling in that did that. Amazing how this disease works, that he can think me answering a phone call from HR is the problem.
He did the whole talk about switching jobs, moving. He said he needs his family down there or he can't get sober. Now I hear it for what it is, quacking. I told him to get help but I only said it once.
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We all really have our hopes up.
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While it is hard, you are aware that his family being there is not going to help him get sober. Only he can help himself at this point. And if he does so, he will have pride and work into himself that will make him want to stay sober.
Big Hugs. Good for you to not engage.
Have a peaceful day!
Big Hugs. Good for you to not engage.
Have a peaceful day!
Originally Posted by Catherine628 
So first off, I know I shouldn't have taken his phone call this morning. I did remain calm, didn't fall for any of his baiting. It seems so clear now that he just isn't ready to get better. In the past I would have fallen for it.
Of course he did have to say its my fault his job is in jeopardy. I told him no its your drinking and not calling in that did that. Amazing how this disease works, that he can think me answering a phone call from HR is the problem.
He did the whole talk about switching jobs, moving. He said he needs his family down there or he can't get sober. Now I hear it for what it is, quacking. I told him to get help but I only said it once.
Of course he did have to say its my fault his job is in jeopardy. I told him no its your drinking and not calling in that did that. Amazing how this disease works, that he can think me answering a phone call from HR is the problem.
He did the whole talk about switching jobs, moving. He said he needs his family down there or he can't get sober. Now I hear it for what it is, quacking. I told him to get help but I only said it once.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 339
Thanks everyone just for listening.
I think Al Anon has really been helping me. You don't always realize it until a crisis comes along. I don't feel that compulsive need to rescue him this time. Hopeful you are absolutely right, he needs to rescue himself.
When we were still living together I heard you have to go away or I can't get better. Now that I've gone away its come back or I can't get better. And this kind of crazy will continue until HE decides to work on himself.
I'm finally able to have some compassion for him instead of just anger all the time. It's a horrible disease and the disease is hanging on for dear life.
I finally verbalized something in Al Anon last night that I have thought for a long time. It would in many ways be easier if he died. My greatest fear is not death but that he ends up homeless. One of those guys you see wandering around digging in trashcans, drinking mouthwash.
I think Al Anon has really been helping me. You don't always realize it until a crisis comes along. I don't feel that compulsive need to rescue him this time. Hopeful you are absolutely right, he needs to rescue himself.
When we were still living together I heard you have to go away or I can't get better. Now that I've gone away its come back or I can't get better. And this kind of crazy will continue until HE decides to work on himself.
I'm finally able to have some compassion for him instead of just anger all the time. It's a horrible disease and the disease is hanging on for dear life.
I finally verbalized something in Al Anon last night that I have thought for a long time. It would in many ways be easier if he died. My greatest fear is not death but that he ends up homeless. One of those guys you see wandering around digging in trashcans, drinking mouthwash.
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