Thinking things through

Old 02-25-2014, 06:23 AM
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Thinking things through

Sometimes I think about just simply writing my thoughts in my journal and not bothering to put things here.

Then I realize that there may be someone else who also is in the same situation, and maybe my post will resonate with them and help. So, I will continue!

Abf and I have been on a break for the last 3 weeks. During that time I have seen him, we've hung out at his house and had some awesome cuddle time.

And, I have come to really understand he is the most confusing man on the planet. (if that's possible!)

His ambivalence about me is enough to drive me to drink. One minute he is all loving and kissy and affectionate towards me. The next, he's flirting with other women. Then he's back to telling me that I know how he feels about me. Then, a new acquaintance asks him out for a drink and he agrees to go. But, then it's back to seeing me and needing me.

Holy crap!

This break really should have been one of total NC because it is royally confusing to me.

The other night he sends me a text saying that he needs love. And that IMLN and love were one in the same. And, that he wanted to give his love to me. He was in a melancholy place that night.

I thought maybe he'd gotten his heart straight.

Next night, after drinking some wine, he tells a gf of mine - who he has had a little bit of a history with - that he looks forward to their next romantic interlude and that it will be cosmic.

I know that everything about him changes when he drinks. I know that one night he could be in one mental place - and the next - a totally different one.

There isn't anything that is going to make this change. Even if he stopped drinking, he'd be having all kinds of mood swings I'm sure.

I know he's sick. I can see it when he starts drinking and a totally different bf shows up. He gets in a place where I can see his pain. I can feel it. He starts saying he doesn't deserve me. I can see him going into this place in his mind where the past is tormenting him. Then he'll snap out of it and go on to be the happy drunk and the life of the party.

This isn't going to change. But, I know that I hope it does. And, once again, I have this HOPE that he'll quit drinking and be the man I know he can be.

My last axbf was more intense and I had a hard time leaving the drama, but there was so much bad stuff that became what I used to get me through it.

Nothing here is that extreme. Which makes it harder for me to walk away. And, then I wonder am I here because my co-dependency feels so at home with him? Or, am I really sticking around for HIM?

Last thing...I started thinking what would I do with a guy that didn't drink to excess? Or, that didn't give me that pull in/push away, the dramatic changes in personality and the confusing messages? Would I be so bored out of my mind I wouldn't know what to do with myself? I'm guessing I am a chaos seeker. Because I have also been prone to having affairs. The rush of doing something you shouldn't.

Geez whiz.
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Old 02-25-2014, 06:49 AM
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Just one thing I want to say, someone having a drinking problem is not an EXCUSE for cheating and consorting with other women.

You are better than this.

It's hard, but you really are worth so much more.
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Old 02-25-2014, 06:55 AM
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Cheating is a dealbreaker. Alcohol or not.

I agree with hopeful--you don't sound happy and you deserve better.
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Old 02-25-2014, 07:49 AM
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We aren't together...technically. He can date whoever he wants, as can I. Although the purpose of the break was to see if the relationship was something we both wanted to continue. Okay, well him. Being the codie I am, why I could continue in this thing until it got so bad I had no way out.

I've reached an obsessive part of me now. I'm controlling it better than usual, but man do I want to let loose. He's just set up his date with this woman tomorrow...who is just so thrilled he chose to meet her since, in her words, he is such a handsome, warm and kind person.

I have hit a whole new area with this now. One I've been to before, but I thought I had gotten over.

My stomach hurts. Why the hell did I put myself back here again? Dammit.
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Old 02-25-2014, 07:58 AM
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There's no way I could be with someone who's propositioning other women and possibly cheating, drunk or sober.
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Old 02-25-2014, 07:59 AM
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Just start today over. Focus on you. Eliminate contact. He is obviously seeing other people, I go back to you deserve more. You deserve to be with someone who only wants to see YOU.

Stop beating yourself up over this. Stop obsessing and look at the big picture. Why is the relationship what it is today? Is this really what you want for yourself long term? You don't have to live with this anxiety.

Start over today...you can do this!
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:03 AM
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This break really should have been one of total NC because it is royally confusing to me.
Yep. It's not a break if you still hang out and cuddle and he tells you all the details about his dating life. That's not a break, that's voluntary torture.
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:37 AM
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I'm taking deep breaths...trying to get this under control. No, I don't want this turmoil. I want a guy who is loving, and caring and secure and can be there in a way I need him to be.

That being said, this is what I know. Maybe it's not so much letting go of the guy as it is the security I feel in knowing this feeling I'm going through. It's awful, yet I know it. but, I must say it's getting more uncomfortable this time around than it used to be.

It's just emotions. Just emotions. Not fact. Nothing more than a feeling. And, a strong one at that I might add.

I know I need NC. I told myself that I was going to just give it to him this week. But, I struggle with the clingy side of me, not wanting him to walk away from me. I struggle with not texting him right now to say that I love him, so he doesn't go on this date tomorrow.

A part of me says to be strong and do this. The other is fighting tooth and nail to take control...because it has really, really strong needs at this moment.

.....I just called my therapist...I don't know where these strong emotions are coming from or what they are about. I needed to react so I did...and now I feel calm. Calmer. but, until when? This woman is flattering him. Big time. He has a constant need for people to reassure him because his self esteem is so low.

Okay, not about him. I just keep asking myself if he walks away from me what is it that goes with him? What is it that I need so bad from him I feel like my world is shattering because he's taking it away.

It's love and affection. Plain and simple. Physical affection. When he holds me my world gets calm. It's not even sexual. It's just what I feel when he holds me. And, no one else can do that for me. And, I'm not sure how to get that from myself.

Maybe my past hurts are getting closer to the surface. Maybe that's why the triggers are so intense. I don't know.

You are all helping though. I'm hearing you...and trying to wrestle with this stuff in my mind.

NC....NC...NC....if I contact him I will come across needy and crazy. Which is what I feel right now. And, then it won't be about his drinking but about the crazy, obsessive woman instead.

yay.
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:40 AM
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And, to clear things up...he's not telling me about this date. I have access to his email and that's how she contacted him. I don't think he remembers that I do, otherwise he probably wouldn't be continuing the conversation there. One of those things you see that you wish you never did.
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Old 02-25-2014, 09:38 AM
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quit reading someone else's EMAIL! that's a violation on many levels....and kind of stalkerish.

addicted to chaos, you say? THAT is something you can look at , examine, work on and fix - within you. you can learn how to just BE. without the drama-rama, come here, go away, i want you, no i want somebody else, constant RUSH.

sorry to say but you have not been anywhere CLOSE to NO CONTACT. hanging out and cuddling is definitely CONTACT. reading HIS emails is contact. you seem caught up in the fantasy that he will one day wake up and recognize how wonderful YOU are and....a) change into the man you WANT him to be (not be who he is) and b) foresake all others.

and then ya know what would happen - if he grew up, settled down, quit drinking, quit chippying around and stayed faithful and true???

you'd be bored out of your skull. and you'd be off to find some other human calamity and start it all over again.

it's ain't HIM honey.

I want a guy who is loving, and caring and secure and can be there in a way I need him to be.

beneath that is your own inner craving to be all those things for YOURSELF. nobody else can fix you, sure you thought his hugs made it better...but look around you darlin, you see any BETTER in the neighborhood?

the only way to stop the cycle is to STOP participating. quit running on impulse. gain control of your emotions and conduct yourself with calm maturity. quit wasting time and get busy LIVING your one life.
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Old 02-25-2014, 10:06 AM
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Anvilhead has excellent advice. Might be rough to hear from someone else...but I think based on your posts you already know it. Take care of you! The rest will fall into place.

Something I'm living by right now:

When you can rest quietly in your own life...then you can ask others to join you.

It's not as lonely as you think!
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Old 02-25-2014, 11:18 AM
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itismylifenow---Sometimes, in our effort to somehow "make it work" we overthink it.

I believe the book "From abandonment to Healing" would be of enormous help to you right now.


I's pretty sure that much of your pain is from bonding and grieving the loss of those bonds. This is about biology and the hormones and brain chemicals that go along with it.
It is natural to feel pain and grieve--and for it to trigger the emotional memories of past losses that may not be well resolved.

You are not the first woman to bond with a man who does not have his S*** together!!!!!! Of course, a good codie will try to force it to work and live on crumbs, if necessary!! Most codies do not know when to give up.

The way this guy is--you will not find happiness for yourself through him. I see this as the bottom line to your story. (I have been there).

I say--Bid him good-by and wish him well. Let him drive some other poor girl nuts.
Go NC.

It will be short-term pain for long-term gain.

dandylion (a voice of experience).
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Old 02-25-2014, 12:25 PM
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.....I just called my therapist...I don't know where these strong emotions are coming from or what they are about. I needed to react so I did...and now I feel calm. Calmer. but, until when? This woman is flattering him. Big time. He has a constant need for people to reassure him because his self esteem is so low.
You are spending a lot of your time focusing on him where it will be better spent on yourself.

Who cares who he is seeing. Who cares what someone else is saying to him. He is not your boyfriend anymore. At this point you guys are only exes who are friendly. Let him go so you can work on yourself. Can you tell him that you have his password so he can change it so you're no longer tempted to snoop on him? Not only are you torturing yourself but you're also majorly violating his privacy and betraying his trust.
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Old 02-25-2014, 12:33 PM
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I'm really glad you did choose to post this here rather than in your journal, because you did resonate with me. I've rented my own apartment and am in the process of moving things in - but my ABF doesn't know yet. I plan on having the talk with him tonight. The final straw for me? The one that made me go put the check in the hands of the landlord and pick up the key? A message from a long-term friend asking if I was OK because he saw my man at the bar with a "little blond" (I'm a brunette - the first I've ever known him to date) and it was obvious there was something there. He didn't know that we had broken up. Umm...we hadn't! I was sitting at home waiting to hear from him because he was supposed to be at a friend's house!

The next day my ABF COMPLETELY cleaned the entire house...a major source of our last 2 arguments. I see a HUGE effort being made on his part and I've been thinking to myself since last night that perhaps once I move out we can work on "US" without the day-to-day clutter of bills and struggle of house-hold chores in the way. I moved in with him WAY too soon out of necessity before we had truly built a solid foundation.

But here's the deal - I will mention in our discussion that I do want to work on our relationship while I'm in my own place...however, I'll also mention the "mystery blond". I won't tolerate it. He's either with me or NOT with me - there's no "dating other people". If he's not going to be committed to me and if I don't feel I can trust him - there's no point. I'll leave it up to him to make the final decision...

Others here are right - getting to be OK within yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. Once you're OK just being by yourself...without feeling you "need" to have someone else there, the "crazy thinking" eases. Life just gets easier.

Best of luck to you in your situation. Personally, I'd just forget about the emails. Either you're going to be together or you aren't. None of the "wishy-washy" emotional rollercoaster. What's the point? To keep the adrenaline flowing? It's not good for your healthy on a purely cellular level - trust me on that score as a 7 year cancer survivor now facing a precancerous stomach condition! The negativity turns inwards and eats your cells alive!
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Old 02-25-2014, 12:38 PM
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Stop reading his emails, texting him, anything else. I am glad you have a therapy appointment to work out these feelings. Until then, just relax and try to focus on other things and off of this situation. What can you do for YOU?
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:26 PM
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Wow, what a day and it's not over yet.

I had an energy clearing earlier today. So much stuff came out of that. I am working on cutting the cords with my mother and releasing the dynamics of our relationship. Although she didn't drink, she has some major mental issues that made her act like an alcoholic. Some of the stuff we covered was amazing. It's just a step in the process, but it's a part of it.

The therapist appt is in 45 minutes and there we will cover this obsessive need I have and these stalking issues - which are part of trust. Believe me those go way back to when I was a teenager. It's something I've always done...going to need some work to get rid of it.

I'm working on releasing him. I know the NC hasn't really been that. I feel such a freaking compulsion to hang on to him for dear life, that it's been a major struggle not to see him.

I know that it violates his trust...believe me he is paying for someone else's mistakes here. I wanted to trust him. He told me he'd be honest with me. And, my own insecurities got in the way and I had to be sure. Did he deserve that? No. He didn't. I have such a fear of not knowing what's coming at me that I always have a need to know. A part of me thinks - if I didn't know about this girl would I be any better off? I'd be thinking we still had a chance. Now, I know there isn't.

And, you are right...if he was the secure, loving, homebody guy that I think I want in my life...I'd be bored out of my mind and go looking for another basket case.

I need a mental break for a bit before my appt. I appreciate the comments - the quiet, caring ones and the hard-ass in your face ones too. They do help. I'm working on it.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:32 PM
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itsmylifenow,

I hope you can focus on trusting yourself!

You can be the nurturing mother to yourself that she hasn't been...imagine you are your own daughter...and look out for her fiercely the way your mother should have, in all parts of life, and definitely when it comes to these boys...
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Old 02-25-2014, 06:30 PM
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Itsmylifenow,
So glad you are going to your therapist. Breaking up is hard and scary and having an objective observer to talk to can be so beneficial. I have realized that although I did fear the loss of emotional intimacy what I truly found most frightening was being alone with my thoughts. Where would those thoughts take me if I wasn't thinking about my X or the latest crisis? it wasn' boredom I feared but the void, the unknown chaos. Perhaps that's why you find yourself obsessing about him and checking his emails, the devil you know is better than the possibility of an even greater calamity? Hope this made sense. Take care
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:03 AM
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Thanks for sharing your experience with us itsmylifenow - I found this really helpful.

Not so much in dating but in other areas of my life there have been a few situations when I stayed longer than it was healthy for me, and I ask myself "why do I keep sitting on the BBQ even after I notice it's getting hot?"

I think being a total mushroom when it comes to confrontation in my personal life and my strong desire to "make this work somehow"(ugh!) are two good explanations but far from the cure.

What gave me a little hope that not all is lost, was Hammer's statement "pain drives the train" from a couple of weeks ago.Totally true for me. When it gets too hot / painful / crazy for me, even I say "enough" and start walking without looking back. So it's great to know that my basic survival skills are still intact - and I think that goes for most of us. It is a great reminder that no matter how hard we get burnt, and how much it hurts, in the end we most likely will be ok.

However asking ourselves why we stay with unhealthy people, keep sitting on the BBQ, put up with a lot of sh*** makes total sense to me, and I'm sorry I can't offer more wisdom here.

For now I'm glad to know that my instincts will tell me when it's time to get out of the dodge, however I'm looking forward to the day when I will just walk out the door before the ship does down - just more elegant and less dusty.
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Old 02-26-2014, 03:39 AM
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Itsmylifenow,

When our childhood is filled with confusing dysfunctional adult relationships our hard wiring about ourselves and relationships gets out of whack. We learn about healthy relationships by observation and modeling by parents what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

Our "feelings" even love is caused by chemical dumps from our brain that is misfiring ... I am an adrenaline junkie and the fear part of my brain does not even work because I was so traumatized as a child. Point a gun at me and I don't get icy fear in my stomach...I get mad and dare you to shoot me. I have actually done that with my abusive father who routinely used to fire guns at us... drunk as a coot but always made sure he missed (he was a crack shot).

Can you even imagine a mother who didn't get their children out of a situation like that? Well mine didn't... and I ended up being an angry woman looking for a drunk to fix subconsciously ... and I found them! Several in fact....

That is how it was... how it is now is that I started working on me through counseling, tons of books, this forum that I visit often to remind me of where I could go back to if I don't be vigilant in my recovery and I believe in Alanon and have done the 12 steps.

And instead of collecting red flag men like party favors so I can get that adrenaline rush I spot them a mile away and the attraction isn't there anymore. Like the drunk who looks at the bar and the bottles sparkle and shine like they are covered in pixie dust calling to them... the toxic, emotionally unavailable handsome charming "life of the party" A they just don't cause chemical dumps from my brain anymore.

You can "Retrain your Brain" as Dr. Amen has written in his books... and while we cannot change our past we can get honest and work on changing ourselves and if we do...

we change our future. Your choice is keeping picking the wrong guys for a healthy relationship or get your picker fixed up before you go out shopping!
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