Estrangement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Estrangement
Sometimes I question myself and wonder if there's any other way to do things. I've stated that "I will not participate in a relationship in which my wife and marriage are not accepted" due to my brother's argument that I should divorce my wife (no cheating - no drug/alcohol addictions - no jail-time - etc). His only argument was "because I know you - I've known you for 35 years."
Other family members (including DM) try to convince me to just "let it go" and accept my brother as he is (judgment/resentment and all). They say that I focus on the past and worry that he'll say something nasty. Yet, when he says nothing I still feel extremely uncomfortable - like there's some rosy curtain pulled over everything when what's really going on is emotionally abusive.
An Al-Anon member stated to me that "i don't need to remove someone from my life". But, I'm literally thinking, "when do I cut ties completely?", "when does it finally become justified to say 'that's enough' and leave my brother behind and refuse to be around him at all, even if there's some "family" event that's not really big such as a wedding"
When? Does he have to punch my wife in the face and refuse to apologize? Does he have to scream in her face before I can finally be justified? My brother has NEVER accepted the opportunity to talk to my wife and I and work things out.
Other family members (including DM) try to convince me to just "let it go" and accept my brother as he is (judgment/resentment and all). They say that I focus on the past and worry that he'll say something nasty. Yet, when he says nothing I still feel extremely uncomfortable - like there's some rosy curtain pulled over everything when what's really going on is emotionally abusive.
An Al-Anon member stated to me that "i don't need to remove someone from my life". But, I'm literally thinking, "when do I cut ties completely?", "when does it finally become justified to say 'that's enough' and leave my brother behind and refuse to be around him at all, even if there's some "family" event that's not really big such as a wedding"
When? Does he have to punch my wife in the face and refuse to apologize? Does he have to scream in her face before I can finally be justified? My brother has NEVER accepted the opportunity to talk to my wife and I and work things out.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello thotful, you have been troubled by this for some time, I realize. It sounds as though this situation is causing you much pain, and I'm so sorry for that.
I don't think offering counseling or trying to talk has worked in the past, correct? Each member of your family will see everything that is going on through their own lens and with their own perception.
They will not be able to change what you think, feel and believe about this situation, and you will not be able to change what they think, feel and believe about this situation. We can't make someone apologize if they don't think they have done something wrong, or if they believe what they have done is in your best interest. Doesn't make them right, however.
My sister and I have very different relationships with our mother, and yet we still get along OK. I have accepted that she will always view our childhood much differently that I do even though we had the same one!
There are several adult children of alcoholics here who have severed ties with their family of origin because the tension and reduced quality of life was just too much.
I don't think offering counseling or trying to talk has worked in the past, correct? Each member of your family will see everything that is going on through their own lens and with their own perception.
They will not be able to change what you think, feel and believe about this situation, and you will not be able to change what they think, feel and believe about this situation. We can't make someone apologize if they don't think they have done something wrong, or if they believe what they have done is in your best interest. Doesn't make them right, however.
My sister and I have very different relationships with our mother, and yet we still get along OK. I have accepted that she will always view our childhood much differently that I do even though we had the same one!
There are several adult children of alcoholics here who have severed ties with their family of origin because the tension and reduced quality of life was just too much.
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