no contact for a week...still sad, angry, hurt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 30
no contact for a week...still sad, angry, hurt
I am the (foster) mother of a 19 year old addict. Although I didn't raise him, I have loved him and considered him my family. Unfortunately, he is an addict, so you all know the story...the lies, the missing money, the stolen items, the fits of scary anger when he can't get what he wants from me, the denial, running away from treatment, the broken promises, the arrests, etc etc etc. All the usual.
Then, about a month ago, I was woken up by the police banging down my door and raiding my home. My son was not at home, but they found drugs in his room, so I got arrested and charged with felony possession. My lawyer thinks I will probably not get found guilty of any of the charges, as it seems obvious the drugs were his and not mine, but still. The damage is done.
Meantime, my son is on the run. He sent friends to my house to pick up all of his belongings, contacted me on facebook to tell me he was selling his things to get money to pay for a lawyer and even gave me the date that he had an appointment with his lawyer to turn himself in. Of course, big surprise, that was just another lie. He is still roaming the streets, getting high, posting pictures on facebook of all the fun he is having.
About a week ago, I emailed him to ask if he is going to turn himself in. His response was to be angry at me that I would want him to go to jail, to insist that the cops planted the drugs in our apartment and so he is not going to turn himself in when the charges are false, blah blah lie blah blah insult blah blah.
That was the last contact I had with him. I let him know that he no longer has any reason to contact me, and I have made no effort to contact him.
I know that is the right thing. And in many ways, it is so much more peaceful in my life without him. I don't have to count my money every day to be sure he didn't take anything. I can relax in my home, I'm not walking around on eggshells anymore.
But sometimes I am so FURIOUS, I want to find him and scream at him and torture him and hurt him the way he has hurt me.
And sometimes I am so sad, mourning the loss of the relationship we once had, wishing so badly that things could have gone differently.
And sometimes I just feel humiliated, and stupid, and ashamed because I know I put up with too much for too long, was a first-class enabler of his drug use.
At least I have finally, finally given up on the idea that if I could just find the EXACT RIGHT words I could convince him to change. I held on to that belief for way too long, and it always only drove me crazy....because of course, any words I chose were not the right ones, he managed to manipulate and turn anything/everything against me, as addicts do. But admitting I really have no control kinda sucks, too.
I am trying to focus on getting healthier myself. But I am such a mixed-up jumble of painful emotions all the time.
Sorry for the long post, but this isn't really something I can talk about with most people in my life, so thanks for letting me ramble/vent here.
Then, about a month ago, I was woken up by the police banging down my door and raiding my home. My son was not at home, but they found drugs in his room, so I got arrested and charged with felony possession. My lawyer thinks I will probably not get found guilty of any of the charges, as it seems obvious the drugs were his and not mine, but still. The damage is done.
Meantime, my son is on the run. He sent friends to my house to pick up all of his belongings, contacted me on facebook to tell me he was selling his things to get money to pay for a lawyer and even gave me the date that he had an appointment with his lawyer to turn himself in. Of course, big surprise, that was just another lie. He is still roaming the streets, getting high, posting pictures on facebook of all the fun he is having.
About a week ago, I emailed him to ask if he is going to turn himself in. His response was to be angry at me that I would want him to go to jail, to insist that the cops planted the drugs in our apartment and so he is not going to turn himself in when the charges are false, blah blah lie blah blah insult blah blah.
That was the last contact I had with him. I let him know that he no longer has any reason to contact me, and I have made no effort to contact him.
I know that is the right thing. And in many ways, it is so much more peaceful in my life without him. I don't have to count my money every day to be sure he didn't take anything. I can relax in my home, I'm not walking around on eggshells anymore.
But sometimes I am so FURIOUS, I want to find him and scream at him and torture him and hurt him the way he has hurt me.
And sometimes I am so sad, mourning the loss of the relationship we once had, wishing so badly that things could have gone differently.
And sometimes I just feel humiliated, and stupid, and ashamed because I know I put up with too much for too long, was a first-class enabler of his drug use.
At least I have finally, finally given up on the idea that if I could just find the EXACT RIGHT words I could convince him to change. I held on to that belief for way too long, and it always only drove me crazy....because of course, any words I chose were not the right ones, he managed to manipulate and turn anything/everything against me, as addicts do. But admitting I really have no control kinda sucks, too.
I am trying to focus on getting healthier myself. But I am such a mixed-up jumble of painful emotions all the time.
Sorry for the long post, but this isn't really something I can talk about with most people in my life, so thanks for letting me ramble/vent here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Hugs to you...I understand the mixed emotions and pain of loving someone in addiction.
I will never have my midwives with me again...unless I saw stability on the outside for along time. It's not healthy to live with them.
Over the course of four years, I am figuring how to parent an addict. I feel that I will never get it right. I do know that I need help and support along the way.
I will never have my midwives with me again...unless I saw stability on the outside for along time. It's not healthy to live with them.
Over the course of four years, I am figuring how to parent an addict. I feel that I will never get it right. I do know that I need help and support along the way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
The emotional rollercoaster is the worst. I feel your pain, and I'm soo sorry you had to go through all that. It's terrible, and so sad that he can't admit his part in the drama he's caused. Stay strong, we're here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Big hugs. The emoations come in waives because it is stages of grief. You have lost someone you love, it is normal to grieve. Allow yourself those feelings. Keep posting. It would be good to go to therapy or meetings so you can be around other people face to face who understand what you are going through.
Take care of YOU.
Tight Hugs.
Take care of YOU.
Tight Hugs.
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