early recovery ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
early recovery ?
My rAH has been sober for 5 months. He is odd. His relationships are all fake and superficial. He cannot connect emotionally with either me or the kids. He was not like this when we married 20 years ago, but it began when his drinking started 10 years ago. This on top of the active drinking made our marriage pretty awful. We are currently separated and doing marriage therapy but it hasn't made any difference. We don't seem to ever move forward.
I can see that he is trying to be involved and get back together, but he is so disconnected from me and the kids that it's a struggle to be with him. I cannot even imagine being intimate with him.
Is this normal for early recovery? Is there anything written about what early recovery is like?
I can see that he is trying to be involved and get back together, but he is so disconnected from me and the kids that it's a struggle to be with him. I cannot even imagine being intimate with him.
Is this normal for early recovery? Is there anything written about what early recovery is like?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I would say that before RAH can focus on a relationship he must put his sobriety first.
Quite often 1 year is mentioned as being the amount of time before an A should enter a relationship.
I am with a RABF sober now for 14 months.
It has only been since the 1 year mark that he is really finding out who he is & although he is much happier in life he still faces many issues.
It is a long process.
Hope this helps.
Quite often 1 year is mentioned as being the amount of time before an A should enter a relationship.
I am with a RABF sober now for 14 months.
It has only been since the 1 year mark that he is really finding out who he is & although he is much happier in life he still faces many issues.
It is a long process.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I have heard RAs mention a kind of emotional numbness during early recovery. You might google PAWS, Post acute withdrawal syndrome. Also, I've posted questions in the alcoholism forum in the past and received great responses.
It could be that his brain is still chemically recovering and evening out.
It could be that his brain is still chemically recovering and evening out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
here's an assessment of early recovery:
What to Expect in Early Recovery
Beginning the Journey into Sobriety
Those who have managed to escape an addiction are about to set out on a marvelous journey into sobriety. The individual will need to pass through various stages and one of the first will be early recovery. At this stage the life in sobriety will feel new and fresh, and it will be the job of the individual to get used to this new way of living. Early sobriety can be like a foundations for a house so it is vital that that the individual progresses successfully through this stage. This phase of sobriety is also the most treacherous and it is when people will be most at risk of relapse back to their addiction.
Phases of Recovery
No two recoveries are going to be the exact same, but it is appropriate to break down development in recovery into phases. These are helpful because they give the individual an idea of what they can expect. The phases of recovery include:
Initiation into recovery. For many people this will occur in rehab.
Early recovery refers to the first few months of sobriety when the individual will need to adapt to living with alcohol or drugs.
Recovery maintenance. The individual is beginning to settle into recovery, but they need to continue to put work into staying sober.
After about two years the individual enters advanced recovery. This does not mean that they are cured, but doing the things that keep them sober can feel like second nature.
Transition from Rehab to Home
One of the most treacherous periods for people in early recovery is the transition from rehab to home. This is because the individual will be moving from an environment where they are relatively protected to one where they will be faced by familiar temptations. If the individual is not ready for this transition there is a high risk that they will relapse.
Preparation for the return to home should begin almost from day one in rehab. This is because the goal of this inpatient program is to prepare people for sober living in the real world. The rehab will be able to offer the resources that the client will need to prepare themselves for the transition. At the end of the day, it will be up to the individual to make the best use of these resources. It is important not to underestimate the challenge of this move from rehab to the real world. The fact that people feel a bit of trepidation about the move can be a good sign – it shows that they are taking things seriously.
Emotional Rollercoaster in Early Recovery
Early recovery is often described as an emotional rollercoaster. This is because during this time the individual may have to deal with extreme emotions that may at times appear to be out of control. The reasons for why such emotional swings occur include:
Withdrawal symptoms can interfere with people’s mood.
Insomnia is common in early recovery and this can make people emotional.
When people become sober they are faced with the wreckage of their past actions. This can be difficult to face and lead to extreme emotional feelings.
For years the addict will have been numbing their emotions with chemicals. They are no longer used to feeling things so it can appear as if their emotions are quite intense.
During the early weeks and months of recovery the individual will be expected to make some major changes in their life. This can be difficult for them and involve a great deal of stress.
The individual may be experiencing these problems as a result of nutritional deficiencies that occurred while they were addicted.
Dangers in Early Recovery
Early recovery is a stage when people are most likely to relapse back to their addiction. The most common dangers during this time include:
Spending time with old drinking and drugging buddies. These people can tempt the newly sober person back to addiction.
Spending time in wet places such as bars. In Alcoholics Anonymous they warn that if you spend enough time in a barber shop you will eventually get your hair cut.
Those who take their recovery for granted can fail to do the things they need to do in order to stay sober.
Some people will believe that the fact they are no longer abusing substances means they are cured. This fails to take into account the reality that the reason they turned to alcohol or drugs in the first place is likely to be still there.
Pink cloud syndrome can lead to overconfidence.
If the individual in early recovery fails to be vigilant for relapse triggers they may be caught unawares.
Those people who have expectations for early recovery that are unrealistically high are likely to end up being disappointed. They may use their disappointment as justification for a relapse.
Ambivalence is dangerous for people in recovery. It means that they are still not completely convinced about the need for lifelong abstinence, and this means that their recovery is on shaky ground.
Some individuals appear to need more support than others in recovery. It is probably preferable to have too much support than too little.
Those individuals who were highly motivated in rehab can run out of steam in early recovery. This is why it is advisable to take action in order to maintain motivation – for example, some rehabs offer booster sessions.
Dangers of Pink Cloud Syndrome
It may sound like a bizarre claim but feeling too good can actually be dangerous for people in early recovery. Pink cloud syndrome is a term that is often used negatively in recovery to describe newly sober individuals who have become too high on life. The reason for judging such happiness negatively is not about being a killjoy. The dangers or pink cloud syndrome include:
The individual can feel so good that they begin to wonder if they are cured.
The fact that things are going so well can mean that the individual stops doing the things that have been keeping them sober.
The pink cloud always ends and the individual can hit the earth with a bang. This can lead to a great deal of disappointment and people can react to this by relapsing back to their addiction.
How to Successfully Navigate Early Recovery
There are things that people can do in order to increase their chances of successfully navigating early recovery including:
Staying sober has to be the priority for people in early recovery.
It is often suggested that people avoid making any additional major changes to their life in early sobriety. This is because they will already have too much to deal with.
Some people do appear to benefit greatly from membership in a recovery fellowship. This may not be a good option for everyone, but it is certainly worth considering.
The individual needs to be aware of the common relapse triggers such as hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness (the acronym HALT makes these easier to remember).
Willingness is the key to success in recovery. So long as people are willing to do what it takes to stay sober they will eliminate their risk of relapse.
Beginners mind is the best mental attitude to have in recovery. It means that the individual does not allow their old beliefs and opinions to prevent them from gaining new knowledge.
It is often suggested that so long as people remain grateful for their recovery they will never relapse.
If people who get sober just wait for the good things in life to come their way they are likely to end up disappointed. The newly sober person has to take action and be willing to take the steps necessary to find success in life.
It is important to always keep in mind that recovery is a process and not an event. Giving up alcohol and drugs is just the beginning.
People become stuck in recovery when they are faced with something that they do not wish to deal with. Becoming stuck in recovery often leads to relapse or new maladaptive behaviors such as workaholism.
The individual needs to be aware of how the addictive personality can get them into trouble. Over time the individual will be able to chip away at these character flaws.
It is vital that people have realistic expectations for early recovery. It is unlikely that their life became a mess overnight so it will also take a long time to fix things.
The individual should never have conditions on their sobriety – for example, they will only stay sober if people are nice to them.
People in early recovery need to understand that they are likely to have bad times in the future. This is because nobody gets a completely free ride in life – all humans need to deal with ups and downs.
What to Expect in Early Recovery
Beginning the Journey into Sobriety
Those who have managed to escape an addiction are about to set out on a marvelous journey into sobriety. The individual will need to pass through various stages and one of the first will be early recovery. At this stage the life in sobriety will feel new and fresh, and it will be the job of the individual to get used to this new way of living. Early sobriety can be like a foundations for a house so it is vital that that the individual progresses successfully through this stage. This phase of sobriety is also the most treacherous and it is when people will be most at risk of relapse back to their addiction.
Phases of Recovery
No two recoveries are going to be the exact same, but it is appropriate to break down development in recovery into phases. These are helpful because they give the individual an idea of what they can expect. The phases of recovery include:
Initiation into recovery. For many people this will occur in rehab.
Early recovery refers to the first few months of sobriety when the individual will need to adapt to living with alcohol or drugs.
Recovery maintenance. The individual is beginning to settle into recovery, but they need to continue to put work into staying sober.
After about two years the individual enters advanced recovery. This does not mean that they are cured, but doing the things that keep them sober can feel like second nature.
Transition from Rehab to Home
One of the most treacherous periods for people in early recovery is the transition from rehab to home. This is because the individual will be moving from an environment where they are relatively protected to one where they will be faced by familiar temptations. If the individual is not ready for this transition there is a high risk that they will relapse.
Preparation for the return to home should begin almost from day one in rehab. This is because the goal of this inpatient program is to prepare people for sober living in the real world. The rehab will be able to offer the resources that the client will need to prepare themselves for the transition. At the end of the day, it will be up to the individual to make the best use of these resources. It is important not to underestimate the challenge of this move from rehab to the real world. The fact that people feel a bit of trepidation about the move can be a good sign – it shows that they are taking things seriously.
Emotional Rollercoaster in Early Recovery
Early recovery is often described as an emotional rollercoaster. This is because during this time the individual may have to deal with extreme emotions that may at times appear to be out of control. The reasons for why such emotional swings occur include:
Withdrawal symptoms can interfere with people’s mood.
Insomnia is common in early recovery and this can make people emotional.
When people become sober they are faced with the wreckage of their past actions. This can be difficult to face and lead to extreme emotional feelings.
For years the addict will have been numbing their emotions with chemicals. They are no longer used to feeling things so it can appear as if their emotions are quite intense.
During the early weeks and months of recovery the individual will be expected to make some major changes in their life. This can be difficult for them and involve a great deal of stress.
The individual may be experiencing these problems as a result of nutritional deficiencies that occurred while they were addicted.
Dangers in Early Recovery
Early recovery is a stage when people are most likely to relapse back to their addiction. The most common dangers during this time include:
Spending time with old drinking and drugging buddies. These people can tempt the newly sober person back to addiction.
Spending time in wet places such as bars. In Alcoholics Anonymous they warn that if you spend enough time in a barber shop you will eventually get your hair cut.
Those who take their recovery for granted can fail to do the things they need to do in order to stay sober.
Some people will believe that the fact they are no longer abusing substances means they are cured. This fails to take into account the reality that the reason they turned to alcohol or drugs in the first place is likely to be still there.
Pink cloud syndrome can lead to overconfidence.
If the individual in early recovery fails to be vigilant for relapse triggers they may be caught unawares.
Those people who have expectations for early recovery that are unrealistically high are likely to end up being disappointed. They may use their disappointment as justification for a relapse.
Ambivalence is dangerous for people in recovery. It means that they are still not completely convinced about the need for lifelong abstinence, and this means that their recovery is on shaky ground.
Some individuals appear to need more support than others in recovery. It is probably preferable to have too much support than too little.
Those individuals who were highly motivated in rehab can run out of steam in early recovery. This is why it is advisable to take action in order to maintain motivation – for example, some rehabs offer booster sessions.
Dangers of Pink Cloud Syndrome
It may sound like a bizarre claim but feeling too good can actually be dangerous for people in early recovery. Pink cloud syndrome is a term that is often used negatively in recovery to describe newly sober individuals who have become too high on life. The reason for judging such happiness negatively is not about being a killjoy. The dangers or pink cloud syndrome include:
The individual can feel so good that they begin to wonder if they are cured.
The fact that things are going so well can mean that the individual stops doing the things that have been keeping them sober.
The pink cloud always ends and the individual can hit the earth with a bang. This can lead to a great deal of disappointment and people can react to this by relapsing back to their addiction.
How to Successfully Navigate Early Recovery
There are things that people can do in order to increase their chances of successfully navigating early recovery including:
Staying sober has to be the priority for people in early recovery.
It is often suggested that people avoid making any additional major changes to their life in early sobriety. This is because they will already have too much to deal with.
Some people do appear to benefit greatly from membership in a recovery fellowship. This may not be a good option for everyone, but it is certainly worth considering.
The individual needs to be aware of the common relapse triggers such as hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness (the acronym HALT makes these easier to remember).
Willingness is the key to success in recovery. So long as people are willing to do what it takes to stay sober they will eliminate their risk of relapse.
Beginners mind is the best mental attitude to have in recovery. It means that the individual does not allow their old beliefs and opinions to prevent them from gaining new knowledge.
It is often suggested that so long as people remain grateful for their recovery they will never relapse.
If people who get sober just wait for the good things in life to come their way they are likely to end up disappointed. The newly sober person has to take action and be willing to take the steps necessary to find success in life.
It is important to always keep in mind that recovery is a process and not an event. Giving up alcohol and drugs is just the beginning.
People become stuck in recovery when they are faced with something that they do not wish to deal with. Becoming stuck in recovery often leads to relapse or new maladaptive behaviors such as workaholism.
The individual needs to be aware of how the addictive personality can get them into trouble. Over time the individual will be able to chip away at these character flaws.
It is vital that people have realistic expectations for early recovery. It is unlikely that their life became a mess overnight so it will also take a long time to fix things.
The individual should never have conditions on their sobriety – for example, they will only stay sober if people are nice to them.
People in early recovery need to understand that they are likely to have bad times in the future. This is because nobody gets a completely free ride in life – all humans need to deal with ups and downs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by mry 
My rAH has been sober for 5 months. He is odd. His relationships are all fake and superficial. He cannot connect emotionally with either me or the kids. He was not like this when we married 20 years ago, but it began when his drinking started 10 years ago. This on top of the active drinking made our marriage pretty awful. We are currently separated and doing marriage therapy but it hasn't made any difference. We don't seem to ever move forward.
I can see that he is trying to be involved and get back together, but he is so disconnected from me and the kids that it's a struggle to be with him. I cannot even imagine being intimate with him.
Is this normal for early recovery? Is there anything written about what early recovery is like?
I can see that he is trying to be involved and get back together, but he is so disconnected from me and the kids that it's a struggle to be with him. I cannot even imagine being intimate with him.
Is this normal for early recovery? Is there anything written about what early recovery is like?
Back in November when my hubby went off to commit suicide (taking his pills and drinking booze - but was found before he was able to follow through fully) I didn't know he was back to drinking. Looking back there were signs - but I didn't see them - or chose not to see them. This has hit me hard. We went through this two years ago, but no rehab, and I always said if the booze became an issue again I'd be done. So here we are at the 'again' and I feel done ... I know he never had rehab before or went to AA, but I just am not feeling it. Today he talked to me more and I think I must have given him the impression that things may work as he's been really affectionate but I just feel awkward. I don't know what to do.
As for the working on a marriage this soon after recovery, we have been told that he needs to put his sobriety first. Anything he puts before that will fail ... so if he puts his marriage first, he will lose his marriage PLUS his sobriety ... so maybe marriage counselling is just too much for him right now?
Know you are not walking this path alone ... there are many of us out there ... all the best
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
For us, She is 14 months back from Rehab and barely normal.
We will see.
Just for comparing notes -- at 5 months Mrs. Hammer was still bonkers. Threatening relapse if we did not all agree to move. (we did not). "Voices" and Persona Flips with the kids. (We just named the characters and learned to deal with them.) Compulsive Lying (a replacement addiction. We made God Box and put the lies in it.)
Was not until 9 to 10 months back that the kids started to feel ok with her again. She still has a monthly or so wig-out with me. Just nutty stuff piles up and takes over her brain.
Now she is still in Therapy, and relatively functioning.
One-Day-At-Time.
Meanwhile -- YOU work YOUR Program, Right? RIGHT?
You know how?
We will see.
Just for comparing notes -- at 5 months Mrs. Hammer was still bonkers. Threatening relapse if we did not all agree to move. (we did not). "Voices" and Persona Flips with the kids. (We just named the characters and learned to deal with them.) Compulsive Lying (a replacement addiction. We made God Box and put the lies in it.)
Was not until 9 to 10 months back that the kids started to feel ok with her again. She still has a monthly or so wig-out with me. Just nutty stuff piles up and takes over her brain.
Now she is still in Therapy, and relatively functioning.
One-Day-At-Time.
Meanwhile -- YOU work YOUR Program, Right? RIGHT?
You know how?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Thanks for posting that, Anvil! I previously had not heard of Pink Cloud Syndrome but it kind of sounds like what my husband is doing. Almost like if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. Damn.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bump. Thank you Anvil for posting "What to expect in early recovery"
I consider essential information for everyone. This is exactly what I saw of my son in early recovery. At 11mo. he relapsed---I think a major factor in this case is that he allowed himself to socialize with active drinkers, again (I am sure that this wasn't the only thing).
Thank god I wasn't living remotely close to him--but I did talk with him often on the phone. At first he was so intensely emotional about some of the simplest things---I would have to say---"I'm hanging up, now. Call me when you feel leveled out.
There were other things, also. He would have huge waves of regret and guilt over past drinking behaviors. I can remember him sobbing on the phone as he was describing how bad he felt. (he doesn't cry that easily, usually).
I remember that we had a HUGE argument over the phone because he found a baby squirrel and called me for my experience on how to care for it. He disagreed with me on one of the instructions---and I suggested that he be more open-minded as to what I was telling him. He called me judgemental and "bossy" (remember that he asked me for instructions!!). I called him a k now-it-all and hard-headed............
About a week or 10days later......I got a meek "apology". He had his roomate call me in the meantime to give me reports that the squirrel was still alive (he knows that I was worried.
Dealing with this kind of stuff was hard for me, and I know that every day was hard for him--even though I could see that he was trying.
I really believe that early recovery is sooo hard on everyone concerned that separation for the first year should be gold standard. Should just be a "part of the program"
He is back in a sober living situation, right now. I realize that he could relapse at any time--so, I don't get my hopes up too high. I just say--"at least he is sober, today".
dandylion
I consider essential information for everyone. This is exactly what I saw of my son in early recovery. At 11mo. he relapsed---I think a major factor in this case is that he allowed himself to socialize with active drinkers, again (I am sure that this wasn't the only thing).
Thank god I wasn't living remotely close to him--but I did talk with him often on the phone. At first he was so intensely emotional about some of the simplest things---I would have to say---"I'm hanging up, now. Call me when you feel leveled out.
There were other things, also. He would have huge waves of regret and guilt over past drinking behaviors. I can remember him sobbing on the phone as he was describing how bad he felt. (he doesn't cry that easily, usually).
I remember that we had a HUGE argument over the phone because he found a baby squirrel and called me for my experience on how to care for it. He disagreed with me on one of the instructions---and I suggested that he be more open-minded as to what I was telling him. He called me judgemental and "bossy" (remember that he asked me for instructions!!). I called him a k now-it-all and hard-headed............
About a week or 10days later......I got a meek "apology". He had his roomate call me in the meantime to give me reports that the squirrel was still alive (he knows that I was worried.
Dealing with this kind of stuff was hard for me, and I know that every day was hard for him--even though I could see that he was trying.
I really believe that early recovery is sooo hard on everyone concerned that separation for the first year should be gold standard. Should just be a "part of the program"
He is back in a sober living situation, right now. I realize that he could relapse at any time--so, I don't get my hopes up too high. I just say--"at least he is sober, today".
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
thank you for your replies. They are so helpful. I did not realize that PAWS lasted 2 years. Anvil, thank you for that list. Is there anything more available about recovery?
kdjom, I totally get loving him but not being in love with him. I've been there for a very long time. I often think we should drop the marriage counseling (I do weekly counseling for myself and he is still doing daily AA plus a weekly outpatient group) but he is not willing to live separate unless we do the counseling.
dandylion, I totally agree with you about the separation and we have been living separate for a long time. My rAH gets upset and thinks things would be better if he moved back some days of the week, but I know that it would make things worse for me and the kids.
I asked my Alanon group about it last night and they said his inability to have deep relationships is an ISM. I weekly decide to divorce and then feel hopeful that he will improve. I know that I cannot remain married if he doesn't improve, it's just how long do you give him? I believe that he is sincere in staying sober and there is progress. It's just so very slow. My BIL is a rA of 20 years and has worked the steps but has no deep relationships. That scares me. My spouse's sponsor is a beautiful example of working the steps and gives me hope. I feel like a ping pong ball.
kdjom, I totally get loving him but not being in love with him. I've been there for a very long time. I often think we should drop the marriage counseling (I do weekly counseling for myself and he is still doing daily AA plus a weekly outpatient group) but he is not willing to live separate unless we do the counseling.
dandylion, I totally agree with you about the separation and we have been living separate for a long time. My rAH gets upset and thinks things would be better if he moved back some days of the week, but I know that it would make things worse for me and the kids.
I asked my Alanon group about it last night and they said his inability to have deep relationships is an ISM. I weekly decide to divorce and then feel hopeful that he will improve. I know that I cannot remain married if he doesn't improve, it's just how long do you give him? I believe that he is sincere in staying sober and there is progress. It's just so very slow. My BIL is a rA of 20 years and has worked the steps but has no deep relationships. That scares me. My spouse's sponsor is a beautiful example of working the steps and gives me hope. I feel like a ping pong ball.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
It's the behavior/thinking that's left after you remove the alcohol from the alcoholism. Or sometimes the ICK from the alcoholic. If the alcoholic gets sober but never works on recovery, he/she remains a dry drunk.
I've also seen the ism defined as Alcohol-ISM: I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Malady (or Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // InSide Me // I Sabotage Myself.
I've also seen the ism defined as Alcohol-ISM: I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Malady (or Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // InSide Me // I Sabotage Myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I know that I cannot remain married if he doesn't improve, it's just how long do you give him? I believe that he is sincere in staying sober and there is progress. It's just so very slow. My BIL is a rA of 20 years and has worked the steps but has no deep relationships. That scares me. My spouse's sponsor is a beautiful example of working the steps and gives me hope. I feel like a ping pong ball.
Are you working on getting yourself healthy as well?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by mry
It's the behavior/thinking that's left after you remove the alcohol from the alcoholism. Or sometimes the ICK from the alcoholic. If the alcoholic gets sober but never works on recovery, he/she remains a dry drunk.
I've also seen the ism defined as Alcohol-ISM: I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Malady (or Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // InSide Me // I Sabotage Myself.
I've also seen the ism defined as Alcohol-ISM: I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Malady (or Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // InSide Me // I Sabotage Myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
"...he's not willing to live separate unless we do the counseling"
Why does he get this choice? You are giving, flexing, trying...you get to decide if this is an important part of what you're willing to do. From your posts you seem to understand he needs to focus on himself for the first year.
Not trying to be cynical, but he has a much better chance if he DOES live separately and focus inside himself. I would wonder if he is attempting to either control the situation (or YOU) or divert his attention from the matter at hand...HIM. It's so frightening to focus on only YOU. But it's necessary. For both of you.
Why does he get this choice? You are giving, flexing, trying...you get to decide if this is an important part of what you're willing to do. From your posts you seem to understand he needs to focus on himself for the first year.
Not trying to be cynical, but he has a much better chance if he DOES live separately and focus inside himself. I would wonder if he is attempting to either control the situation (or YOU) or divert his attention from the matter at hand...HIM. It's so frightening to focus on only YOU. But it's necessary. For both of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
I am trying to wait and be supportive, but it's hard when the things that were so painful during the active drinking are still present. I know that he is not even aware of these issues so how can he possibly change them at this point? I suppose I fear that he will never change and if so, I just want this all to be done. it's the continued limbo that drags me down. I begin to lose hope that things will change and then I want out. I talk to an Alanon friend or sponsor and feel hopeful again. Rinse Repeat.
Praying, I am giving him the choice because I need the separation. I understand he is attempting to control me. It's the best I can manage at this point.
Praying, I am giving him the choice because I need the separation. I understand he is attempting to control me. It's the best I can manage at this point.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
My husband is about 4 months into recovery after a recent relapse from being sober but not working a program.
He is still really feeling a lot of shame from his drinking (and other stuff) and finally being clearheaded for the first time in a long time, and recognizing the impacts of his addiction on his family members is a lot for him to take in. He is working the AA steps and part of that process is working through this stuff. We discussed his emotional mutededness in marriage therapy last week, and the therapist pointed out that he is kind of stuck in this "Man am I a huge F-up who really F'd up my wife and kids' lives for no good reason." He acknowledges that this is still where he is and that he is working on that.
Last week we visited my parents in FL and he surprised me with a big apology to them, admitted stuff to them I never even knew about, etc. making ammends step. I kind of think he is going to need to get through all the rest of his steps before he makes a lot of progress on the shame and can be more emotionally connected. Some of the "homework" from our various therapies seems to be helping both of us in slowly increasing our emmotional connections. No doubt, it is hard for those of us who experienced the fallout to let go of the past drinking/other behaviors too. I was kind of beating myself up a little yesterday for not being able to "forgive" some stuff, when later in the day I was able to give myself permission that it is OK that I am not there yet. I am comfortable that I have "accepted" some of the past garbage, and I feel hopeful that I will "get there" in terms of wanting to offer forgiveness eventually, but for today, I'm not there yet, and that is okay.
Best of luck-sounds like you have good support from AA/others. It certainly can be a roller coaster some days-hang on!
He is still really feeling a lot of shame from his drinking (and other stuff) and finally being clearheaded for the first time in a long time, and recognizing the impacts of his addiction on his family members is a lot for him to take in. He is working the AA steps and part of that process is working through this stuff. We discussed his emotional mutededness in marriage therapy last week, and the therapist pointed out that he is kind of stuck in this "Man am I a huge F-up who really F'd up my wife and kids' lives for no good reason." He acknowledges that this is still where he is and that he is working on that.
Last week we visited my parents in FL and he surprised me with a big apology to them, admitted stuff to them I never even knew about, etc. making ammends step. I kind of think he is going to need to get through all the rest of his steps before he makes a lot of progress on the shame and can be more emotionally connected. Some of the "homework" from our various therapies seems to be helping both of us in slowly increasing our emmotional connections. No doubt, it is hard for those of us who experienced the fallout to let go of the past drinking/other behaviors too. I was kind of beating myself up a little yesterday for not being able to "forgive" some stuff, when later in the day I was able to give myself permission that it is OK that I am not there yet. I am comfortable that I have "accepted" some of the past garbage, and I feel hopeful that I will "get there" in terms of wanting to offer forgiveness eventually, but for today, I'm not there yet, and that is okay.
Best of luck-sounds like you have good support from AA/others. It certainly can be a roller coaster some days-hang on!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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mry---I keep re-reading your last post. but I am a little confused....I thought you were separated, physically--but, legally still married. You feel that things are not progressing as you had hoped and are beginning to lose hope---and are no longer in love with him, either. He wants back in the house-----
You said, in the last post that you are giving him a choice because you need the separation---what choice???????
Can you set me straight....LOL?
dandylion
You said, in the last post that you are giving him a choice because you need the separation---what choice???????
Can you set me straight....LOL?
dandylion
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