Hlpmeundrstnd

Hello my name is Taylour! I've been surrounded by addiction in many forms the majority of my life. I now face addiction with the man I will someday marry. He is on a slow path to recovery but I don't understand the addiction in the way I feel I should as his partner in his journey. My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict my entire childhood and I never quite came to terms with it. I held a lot of anger and just denial over it and I don't want to hold the same resentment towards my boyfriend. I want to grasp from an addict how to be the most supportive and understanding person in this matter. He feels I judge him and push him and he's right and I don't want to do that. Please help me get a better understanding of what I can do to help, years from now I don't want to be angry over this addiction but rather say we got through it together.

KateL

I really hope it works out for you. Things are bound to be tense if he is in early recovery xxxx

Hlpmeundrstnd

Thank you, it's been rough the last year in and out of jail and using a lot but he's gotten in a program and been clean almost a month. Praying the good continues.

Hawkeye13

Hi Taylour and welcome to SR;

I spent my life around addiction too and later became an addict (alcoholic) myself.
I know quite a bit about addiction from both sides of the street.

I tried to help my family stop and spent most of my adult life taking care of them.
Please think very carefully before taking on a lifetime of someone's addictions.
You cannot "keep" them from using no matter how much you love them.

It is lonely, hard, and unrewarding and often the addict means well but cannot really stick to quitting.
Repeated relapses are more common than not.

For sure don't think about adding children to the mix for several years until there is
a real track record of sobriety and taking care of family emotionally / financially from your partner.

I wish you both the best, but do take care of yourself and be vigilant.

Tinky

Let me give you some suggestions...

1. Get yourself into some counseling or Alanon type support
2. Make YOU your top priority
3. Make sure you can support yourself financially should he relapse.
4. Set boundaries NOW, don't wait until something occurs, then stick to them

A lot comes with loving an addict...just because they aren't using, they still have addict behaviors and thinking. I am going through this right now, I wish I had done all of these things prior to marriage and next month we will be married 1 year. It's not easy, think very hard before you make a decision...ACTIONS NOT WORDS

AnvilheadII

My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict my entire childhood and I never quite came to terms with it.

often when we have unresolved issues from our childhood, we will recreate similar scenarios as adults in order to try to work them out or get them right THIS time. thus you need to cautious not to make HIS recovery YOUR reason for being. ultimately, his recovery is in his hands. he will either stay clean......or not. while we all have hope, it really is prudent to take a wait and see attitude and to NOT be surprised if relapses happen. because they so often do with addiction.

he also seems to have trouble with the law, a record, and a series of incarcerations. that speaks a lot to his living skills, or lack thereof. NONE of those things will be changed overnight. he has a LONG road ahead of him to once again, or perhaps for the first time, be a responsible productive citizen.

the best you can do is get yourself invested in a program of recovery and self discovery, FOR YOU. fight your own demons. and let him work on his stuff. it's like you each have a gym membership now...but each of you will only benefit if YOU go to the gym, regularly, and use the equipment and follow the guidance of the trainers.....you cannot go do bicep curls and watch HIS arms get bigger.