Maybe you can help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alexander city, alabama
Posts: 3
Maybe you can help
This is my first time to ever do anything like this. And let me start by saying that I swore I wouldn't be this person. I wouldn't be the wife of an addict. And truthfully I am unsure because when asked he says no. But maybe someone out there can give me some insight after I lay out the events that have me wondering. So I guess I need to start with my father, the acoholic. Hard working man just like his scotch at night. He never intentionally hurt me but as a little girl I knew that whatever was in his glass at night slurred his speach and made him very clumsy. I remained uneasy around him even as an adult. Which leads me to the first thing that I said I would never do. When I had kids there father wouldn't drink or be drunk around them. And of course neither would I.
My mother and father ended up divorcing when I was 7 and she was quick to remarry her highschool sweetheart. He was a mix of you name it....he did it. Alcoholic that went to rehab within the first years of there marriage. Then it was crack, crystal myth, and pills. Again this man did nothing to me physically but after witnessing all the crazy accidents and unusual things he did made me decide no husband of mine would be like him. The worst was how mad he would get and stir up fights with my mom in front of my brother and I. And my mom constantly a nervous wreck. No I would never be like her. So basically these things were the only things I knew without a doubt I could be in control of in my life. The things I stood strong about. And my husband knows about all of this. We have been together off and on since I was 15. Now at the age of 30 I don't know how I became the person I said if never be. When we married at 22 it was only 4 months before I was pregnant. My husband has always liked his beer but never made me feel uneasy or acted stupid when drinking besides a rant here and there was common. But when our first child arrived my number one rule about alcohol became an argument. He the way I felt but he refused to compromise. So I did . Thinking maybe it's ok if daddy drinks so long as he acts right. That was the first time I felt like he prooved my feelings didn't matter. In the next years up until now so many obstacles have been thrown at us it's hard to see when the pills came into play as a problem. He started a business that started off making money that we were not used to. And as quick as it began, it ended leaving us with bills to be payed without the income we had gotten used to. This was a big shot to my husbands pride. He has always been quick tempered but I never felt scared. A few temper fits grew to something bigger. He had began taking loratab while drinking . Blow up after blow up we have the same argument. He begins lying about taking them because every outburst was when he had that crazy look in his eyes from mixing loratab and alcohol . Child number 2 comes and we are still struggling financially. His new job required him to be out of town. He began taking loratab more and more. It was around him at work and I didn't even put together how bad it had gotten for him. I mean knew things were happening that I couldn't control anymore and it was always when he was taking lortab but he did in some way try to make it better or apologize. Then I couldn't pin point what was going on with him all the sudden. The normal ways that I hated got worse. And now he became emotional. Crying one minute to yelling the next. It came to me and told me had decided to make a change for the better. He was taking suboxone. I quickly realized that this was causing the way he'd been acting. He argued he was trying to do better by getting help and that didn't even make me happy. I had to give up thAt fight. Luckily he stopped after a couple of weeks.. And we are to the present. Supposedly sticking to only beer. But what explains why now if all he does is have a few beers at night that his behavior towards me is worse than ever. I swear he has that crazed look in his eyes still but says that he isn't taking them anymore. Arguments are started over small things and escalade in front of our kids. He talks to me like he hates me. Tells me that I think I'm always perfect. ( which gave me my user name) I have become afraid to talk to him about anything. I do admit I have kept things from him because I didn't want to go threw an argument. But he finds out and then I am yelled at for lying. He says his temper doesn't give me an excuse to lie. As I listen to him during these rages I am always aware of his eyes. They have always told on him if he'd taken anything. And that look is there all the time. But at this point I am scared to even ask him has started taking something again. It just infuriates him and is turned into an argument about how I will always hold that over his head and I was just always perfect and never do any wrong. Up until last night I've just put the suspicions away. Try to make it threw a day without a fight. Today is Sunday and Friday consisted of the regular illness. He'd called on his way home from work and we made plans for the night. He walked in and I wasn't ready and there it blew. Kids there and all. It's the same as the other fights. Did I forget to say that he also will yell and just when I think it's about to calm he somehow say the same thing again and again not making since. He was ill all dy yesterday and would be talking one minute and doze off sitting up. This part might sound crazy but this is what has me questioning. As small as it sounds income taxes are expected to be deposited soon in his checking account at anytime. He isn't aware that I check his account from time to time and last night I saw that they'd been deposited. They were deposited Friday and he hasn't said a word. Which doesn't sound all that bad. I know I'm wrong for secretively keeping a check on his account but I decided to try a new approach to this new knowledge. I asked him wasn't our income taxes going to be here soon? His reply,"yeah they said Tuesday or Wednesday." He lied and I knew it. Now as I look back has he been lying about taking pills? And if he has this sickens me to look back all these times I've endured and even began to blame myself for not doing whatever he had picked to be mad over right. He has constantly brought up my habit of keeping the truth avoid a fight . What kind of person does to his wife. So many questions that will remain unanswered because he will never tell me if he is taking something again. How do deal with this. Am I overthinking everything? My gut has told me something has been going on. I just don't have proof except his actions . Has everything been confirmed because I caught him in a lie?
My mother and father ended up divorcing when I was 7 and she was quick to remarry her highschool sweetheart. He was a mix of you name it....he did it. Alcoholic that went to rehab within the first years of there marriage. Then it was crack, crystal myth, and pills. Again this man did nothing to me physically but after witnessing all the crazy accidents and unusual things he did made me decide no husband of mine would be like him. The worst was how mad he would get and stir up fights with my mom in front of my brother and I. And my mom constantly a nervous wreck. No I would never be like her. So basically these things were the only things I knew without a doubt I could be in control of in my life. The things I stood strong about. And my husband knows about all of this. We have been together off and on since I was 15. Now at the age of 30 I don't know how I became the person I said if never be. When we married at 22 it was only 4 months before I was pregnant. My husband has always liked his beer but never made me feel uneasy or acted stupid when drinking besides a rant here and there was common. But when our first child arrived my number one rule about alcohol became an argument. He the way I felt but he refused to compromise. So I did . Thinking maybe it's ok if daddy drinks so long as he acts right. That was the first time I felt like he prooved my feelings didn't matter. In the next years up until now so many obstacles have been thrown at us it's hard to see when the pills came into play as a problem. He started a business that started off making money that we were not used to. And as quick as it began, it ended leaving us with bills to be payed without the income we had gotten used to. This was a big shot to my husbands pride. He has always been quick tempered but I never felt scared. A few temper fits grew to something bigger. He had began taking loratab while drinking . Blow up after blow up we have the same argument. He begins lying about taking them because every outburst was when he had that crazy look in his eyes from mixing loratab and alcohol . Child number 2 comes and we are still struggling financially. His new job required him to be out of town. He began taking loratab more and more. It was around him at work and I didn't even put together how bad it had gotten for him. I mean knew things were happening that I couldn't control anymore and it was always when he was taking lortab but he did in some way try to make it better or apologize. Then I couldn't pin point what was going on with him all the sudden. The normal ways that I hated got worse. And now he became emotional. Crying one minute to yelling the next. It came to me and told me had decided to make a change for the better. He was taking suboxone. I quickly realized that this was causing the way he'd been acting. He argued he was trying to do better by getting help and that didn't even make me happy. I had to give up thAt fight. Luckily he stopped after a couple of weeks.. And we are to the present. Supposedly sticking to only beer. But what explains why now if all he does is have a few beers at night that his behavior towards me is worse than ever. I swear he has that crazed look in his eyes still but says that he isn't taking them anymore. Arguments are started over small things and escalade in front of our kids. He talks to me like he hates me. Tells me that I think I'm always perfect. ( which gave me my user name) I have become afraid to talk to him about anything. I do admit I have kept things from him because I didn't want to go threw an argument. But he finds out and then I am yelled at for lying. He says his temper doesn't give me an excuse to lie. As I listen to him during these rages I am always aware of his eyes. They have always told on him if he'd taken anything. And that look is there all the time. But at this point I am scared to even ask him has started taking something again. It just infuriates him and is turned into an argument about how I will always hold that over his head and I was just always perfect and never do any wrong. Up until last night I've just put the suspicions away. Try to make it threw a day without a fight. Today is Sunday and Friday consisted of the regular illness. He'd called on his way home from work and we made plans for the night. He walked in and I wasn't ready and there it blew. Kids there and all. It's the same as the other fights. Did I forget to say that he also will yell and just when I think it's about to calm he somehow say the same thing again and again not making since. He was ill all dy yesterday and would be talking one minute and doze off sitting up. This part might sound crazy but this is what has me questioning. As small as it sounds income taxes are expected to be deposited soon in his checking account at anytime. He isn't aware that I check his account from time to time and last night I saw that they'd been deposited. They were deposited Friday and he hasn't said a word. Which doesn't sound all that bad. I know I'm wrong for secretively keeping a check on his account but I decided to try a new approach to this new knowledge. I asked him wasn't our income taxes going to be here soon? His reply,"yeah they said Tuesday or Wednesday." He lied and I knew it. Now as I look back has he been lying about taking pills? And if he has this sickens me to look back all these times I've endured and even began to blame myself for not doing whatever he had picked to be mad over right. He has constantly brought up my habit of keeping the truth avoid a fight . What kind of person does to his wife. So many questions that will remain unanswered because he will never tell me if he is taking something again. How do deal with this. Am I overthinking everything? My gut has told me something has been going on. I just don't have proof except his actions . Has everything been confirmed because I caught him in a lie?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alexander city, alabama
Posts: 3
Thank you. I'm not sure what those are. Is it anti depressants? I did talk to my doctor and they put me on Prozac and then lexapro. It's funny u should ask that one if the things I didn't tell him is when I started the Prozac. The reason I stopped is because it made me have crazy dreams and I scream along with other unordinary things. After him witnessing a few of them I did tell him I was taking it. He didn't agree with it because of what it did to me at night. So after that I lied a couple of times saying I stopped taking them. Only to wake him up doing something crazy and that was a big ordeal to him. That I lied about taking them. But in all I stopped taking them because I didn't feel like it helped.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
AlAnon is a support group for friends & families of alcoholics and NarAnon for substance abuse.
http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/
http://al-anon.alateen.org/ will offer support to you.
http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/
http://al-anon.alateen.org/ will offer support to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I think Al-anon / Narc-anon would be a good idea for you.... sounds like you could REALLY use some understanding support.
There's not simple answer to "what should I do" in this case I don't think.... but one thing that I am confident in saying is that you need to take care of yourself.
The things you've described and the patterns you outline are consistent with a person in deep and active addiction. It'll probably only get worse unless and until he sees that there is a problem and becomes willing / able to be honest with himself.
This is a good source of insight, understanding and support... but I'd strongly recommend you find some local, in-person support from people who understand and have been there. Al-anon / narc-anon are good places to start in finding that.
There's not simple answer to "what should I do" in this case I don't think.... but one thing that I am confident in saying is that you need to take care of yourself.
The things you've described and the patterns you outline are consistent with a person in deep and active addiction. It'll probably only get worse unless and until he sees that there is a problem and becomes willing / able to be honest with himself.
This is a good source of insight, understanding and support... but I'd strongly recommend you find some local, in-person support from people who understand and have been there. Al-anon / narc-anon are good places to start in finding that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alexander city, alabama
Posts: 3
Oh ok. You know I haven't even thought about that. And it would be helpful I'm sure. Just putting what I did this morning helped more than I thought. Thank you for your help. I will check and see what our town offers.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
Hi and welcome AlwaysPerfect
I think AlAnon or Naranon are great suggestions - it would really help for you to have real life people who understood and who you could talk to face to face.
There's a lot of support here too tho obviously - both here and in our Family and Friends forums too
I think AlAnon or Naranon are great suggestions - it would really help for you to have real life people who understood and who you could talk to face to face.
There's a lot of support here too tho obviously - both here and in our Family and Friends forums too
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