sunshinescooby

hope you all can give me some advice. I am going to be finished with my first week tomorrow!!! WHEEEEEE! However, hubby and I have a party coming up in several weeks with people that we don't see that often-a black tie fund raiser. None of these people are good friends, but we always have a good time at these things, and tend to be some of the last ones to leave. He is pretty shy, and not very outgoing, and we don't go out a lot so when we do go, and he is having a good time we stay until the end. I guess in other words, I feel like he is not very socially connected so when he's actually talking and having a good time I don't want to cut it short for him..

I now know there is NO WAY I will want to stay until the end without a drink in my hand.. I think I will be bored..

I have a bit of a dilemma. Frankly, I might prefer not to go but I don't think that's an option considering the group I'm involved with.

Any suggestions?

Raider

I can only say don't go. I'm sorry.

Dee74

Have you spoken to your husband about this at all Sunshinescooby?

D

abcowboy

Scooby, you're the designated driver that night! That's all you have to tell yourself, and if that's not enough, be honest with him why you don't think you should attend....

GotGrace

Talk to him about it. My husband is an introvert too and not especially social unless he is buzzed. Over the holidays we had a couple events to attend that I was not especially excited about being newly sober. He was completely understanding and knowing he had my back made going a lot easier.

Talk to your hubby; chances are he will surprise you!

Carlotta

It always amazes me how many newcomers agonize over the party they just have to go to or the bar that they cannot not go to socialize. Like it is the last party they ll ever get invited to or the most important thing on earth.
If only they put that mindset in their new sobriety:
"There is that meeting (or other recovery activity) I just have to go to but I am worried about not making it...." would be a nice change of pace.
The majority of those posting those kind of threads do not make it past 3 months even if they did not drink at this one event and end up disappearing from SR or "relapsing"
Why? Because they allow their AV to run the show and are not that committed to their recovery. They are not ready yet to go to any lengths to get it.
Your husband is an adult, he can go to a party alone. There will be many other party opportunities in the future but who knows how many recoveries you have in you.

KateL

It's still early days and in the future you may well have no problem with it at all, but for now don't go if it makes you uncomfortable. Put the sobriety thing first xxxxx

Longpasttime

Definitely sobriety first. If you are comfortable going, maybe talk to your hubby about wanting him to enjoy himself, but that you are wanting to be one of the earliest to leave instead of the latest this time. While you are there, hmm.. find someone else who isnt drinking and have a deeper conversation than you normally would? Or just really focus on getting to know them all better rather than whatever your alcohol routine used to be? You might find that you are enjoying yourself in a totally different way than you used to. Im new too, just suggestions of course, not recommendations- and the designated driver thing that abc mentioned is a great way to diffuse any "why arent you drinking" crap if you dont feel like sharing. Good luck!!

DG0409

Personally, I would not put myself in a situation where I felt I would be tempted to drink.

That said, in sobriety we learn how to have fun in situations without drinking that we previously would have 'needed' a drink for. There can be fun and joy in just hanging out and chatting with people without alcohol. Parties don't have to be boring just because we're not drinking.

A few months into my sobriety I was obligated to go to a work function that was an open bar. I was worried that it was just going to be miserable being there with every one drinking and was planning to sneak out early if I got bored or had any problems. To my surprise, I found myself happily munching on the free snacks provided and talking to some people.

EndGameNYC

Hi Triple-S.

Placing conditions on our sobriety usually ends badly. "If I do this..." or "If this happens...then I'll drink."

You commented that the event is several weeks out. Do you imagine that your sobriety will weaken between now and then? If so, are there things you can do to better prepare yourself for the event, besides framing your drinking as an inevitability should you attend and then stay late?

I'm pretty much with Carlotta on this. I long ago ceased counseling people not to attend "the most important event in the history of the world," particularly in early sobriety. When someone doesn't willingly make their best option doing the harder thing, the safer thing -- all the while predicting that they'll "probably drink" (and all its variations) should they go -- there's nothing in Heaven or Earth that will change their minds.

There are and will be times for all of us when we're called upon to choose sobriety or destruction, sanity or chaos, life or death. Choose wisely.

zerothehero

As one who wrestles with anxiety sometimes, I would like to suggest NOT worrying too much about something so far in the future. You can decide when the time comes.

I've been invited to perform in a bar on St. Patrick's Day (I'm the only idiot in the county who actually performs Irish folk tunes). I figure I've been in other drinking situations since sobriety, and I can handle this one, but if for some reason I freak out and have to say no, they will survive. Your husband would survive, too. Communicate as you get closer to the date.

FreeOwl

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vegas on a Saturday night.

A few minutes ago, I got an email inviting me to a top secret exclusive soiree being thrown by some colleagues. I'm sure it'll be a real wa-hoo and I'm sure that a lot of people will be there and have a lot of "fun".

I suspect some might wonder why I didn't go.

For a few minutes I felt glum, like I was damned if I did - damned if I didn't. If I went and didn't drink while everyone else was, wouldn't I just be a 'loser'? The invite even said "No Losers Allowed". I sat in that glum for a few minutes and felt a little disappointed for a few more minutes and then realized that I really didn't WANT to be there. I wanted to just finish watching the movie I rented and get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow I'll feel fine. I'll get up and run and hit the gym and have a nice raw smoothie with the fruits and vegetables I stocked my room with and there will be a lot of people feeling like crap. And if my contributions at work aren't sufficient for me to be valued, and if my missing a big bash is somehow a ding against me - so be it. I know what's right for me.

If I were you, I'd go to that party if I felt I could do so without threat to my sobriety. I'd drink a fancy sparkling water and I'd smile and have fun... but if I had doubts about it, I'd just stay home and watch a movie.

1newcreation

I've learned the hard way that if i don't have peace about doing smthg, then I shouldn't have it afterwards. Unless I read wrong, theres no justifiable reason to be there & esp @ a wk sober. Sounds as if sobriety is important otherwise wouldnt be posting so PLEASE dont go

sunshinescooby

Thanks everyone! some great advice and some that is a bit hard to hear (but true).. Since it is a few weeks out I will see how I feel when we have to send in the RSVP. If I still feel I might slip maybe we will cancel or be 'out of town'..

I'm not as worried about me not drinking. I can certainly go and do that for a few hours.. I just know my hubby will want to stay, as he does at all parties whether he's really buzzed or not..
So, I will take your advice, talk to him and we can decide if we really want to go or not.

THANKS AGAIN! Not sure what I'd be doing without SR... oh wait, yes I do.. this morning I'd be feeling like cr*#!!!

Anna

You know as I get older and continue my recovery journey, I am SO grateful that I no longer feel obligated to do things I don't want to do. I spent twenty years as a military wife, which involved a lot of socializing and often with people I didn't know well. I am so glad I'm done with that.

ReadyAtLast

Not going IS an option .You have no obligation to do anything or go anywhere. Your sobriety is your priority, not a function with people you hardly know.

soberlicious

Scooby, your husband's good time is his responsibility, not yours. I bet you guys will find the compromise that is right for you both.

Ok, this is just stupid. I wouldn't have gone to the soiree based on this idiotic invite alone, alcohol or not. I'm still laughing at the irony of this...