Bunny1610

Well my AH has gone AWOL from home, he'd been sober for 2weeks and spun his mum a line about needing her cash card to do something at the bank, she trusted him and now he's cleared out her account and gone into 'hiding!' (He did this whilst I went to my first alanon meeting this morning!)

I've left him a voicemail to let me know he's safe but am I right to now just leave him be and let him contact me when he's ready? I don't want to throw him out yet so when he does contact I'll let him come home but am I right not to chase him and just get on with the weekend with my little girl?

I'm so glad to be able to post this here.xxx.

AnvilheadII

why would you want ANYTHING to do with someone who STEALS from his own mother and wipes out her account???? just asking. that's kind of as low as it gets...........

marie1960

No need to chase someone who is not currently vested in you or your child. Best to leave him to his own devices.

So this guy, steals from his mother, vanishes on you and your child, ( Thank God, you are the responsible parent) and here you have to worry about his sorry azz, I so hate this addiction crapola, and the very twisted dance that sucks us in, and makes so dizzy, we lose our own direction.

Sending you strength.

Glad you are here.

CodeJob

Oh my I am sorry Bunny1610.

Bunny1610

Agree it is a really lowlife thing to do but I do still love him, so right now not ready to take that step. Also the way that our benefits work if he moved out I wouldn't be able to afford to keep our little girl in full time nursery so would have to stop work. Currently that would be more damaging and disrupting to her than the current situation.

marie1960

I do not know where you live, but in the state which I reside, benefits stay in place during the divorce process, (divorcing doesn't take away a parents obligation to the child)

And maybe you are putting the cart in front of the horse here, and making assumptions about matters that perhaps a lawyer in your home state could clarify.

I do not know how staying in a toxic situation, would EVER be the lesser evil. If you really believe your child is not affected, please pay a visit to the ACOA section of this forum, painfully eye opening.

dandylion

Bunny1610---I am not a lawyer---but, I believe that he has committed a crime. I believe that it falls under credit card fraud--and carries a stiff penalty.

What has his mother done about this? I am guessing that she is probably an enabler and will not report it to the bank.

Can you ask yourself why this is o.k. with you. Why you need to stay in this relationship???

dandylion

Hammer

As others have noted, he sounds like he is doing a FINE job of being an A.

Truly note worthy job, in fact. Should make a great AA story if he makes it some day.

As is sometimes noted on here, as well -- a Drying Out A -- since at least some level of drunk has been "normal" for them for years -- may tend to go Crazy in the first few months.

While they may go Crazy, it is best if we do not go Crazy with them. Like with their drinking, they can usually do that all by themselves, just fine.

So. Since is doing his thing just fine . . . what are you doing for YOU?

That is what we work on with this side of things -- YOU, Me, Us.

Bunny1610

Thanks for your replies, you're probably all right and I shouldn't still want to be with him but right now I'm working really hard to break all my past enabling habits.

I'm actually in the UK so the benefit issue is very real, it makes any decision making very hard.

I'm hoping that Al-anon will help me fix me, it's given me the strength to focus on me and my little girl today and know that what ever happens we'll be ok.