LCreations

I am new to this world of recovery. I am recently divorced from my second husband (both were alcoholics). I am in a relationship of sorts (we are just companions - it currently seems to work for both of us; neither wanting a commitment; just mutual respect of one another and time hanging out and doing things together) with a recovering alcoholic who has 16 yrs sober. I have started to attend alanon meetings over the last couple of months; maybe 12 in total. I find the stories alot like my own; I am nervous to share; I am nervous everytime I go.

I wonder if I am in the right place as far as my relationship goes with my companion. I need recovery for myself. I definitely have lost control of managing my own life. in the last year I have filed for divorce; sold my marital home; moved; and now just lost my job. The compounded feelings of that mixed in with not knowing how to act around my current companion is making me nuts. I care about him; i enjoy our time together but if he doesnt get his way; isnt the one who came up with the idea; or it isnt when and how he wants things to happen (going to the gym, or shopping or out for a day of fun) than he is a total jerk towards me; but always seems to blame me for it. His favorite line, "this is YOU! You bring this, not me." How is it me all of the time? I take responsibility sometimes, but not always.

The other day, he mentioned that he is tired of dealing with me as a b*tch; I was deeply hurt by that statement. then I turn into protective mode and can be somewhat cold and standoffish. I am only reacting to how he is treating me. I dont want to fight. I am afraid to say anything that will challenge him; but I dont want to just conform I do have opinions of things.

I need this recovery, I need to better understand things. I think part of it is I am staying at his place free of rent until I can get on my feet as well. I am not so sure it is worth it.

finaltime

can you move?

Goldcoastgirl

You really need to focus on YOU and your recovery. If it is meant to be some down the track it will be. You are important too x

LCreations

I can't move until I find employment; I just left my lease as it was close to $2K a month. I am being paid until the end of April as part of my severence --- I was downsized. I am not in a hurry to find something because I realize I need to focus more on doing things for myself. I have neglected me for too long.

Thanks~

least

If you have severance pay coming in you can look for a place, can't you? I'd think twice about continuing in this relationship. He doesn't seem to be a very compassionate person and is verbally abusive to you.

What are you getting out of this relationship/arrangement?

LCreations

nothing it seems. It seemed in the beginning the companionship and wisdom or his years in recovery. But the longer we are together the more I realize he is pulling the wool over my eyes. He is in recovery as far as not drinking anymore; but his behaviour is awful...he hasnt been to a meeting in two months. And he is not nice to be around. I am getting nothing. I guess I hang on for hope; I am so used to being abandoned -- I dont like that feeling it has happened my entire life; but all the more reason to focus on myself.

I have thought about moving back to Pennsylvania (its cheaper to live, I have close friends and some family there; where I am now in the Boston area, I am alone; no family -- I moved here to get married in 2007 --- now am divorced).

I guess I also hang on becuase this would afford me to go back to school and finally get my degree if I dont have to pay rent. But is it worth my sanity>??????

Notimetoloose

He doesn't sound very nice, I would start working on plan B.

Your sanity and sobriety is key important....

I have no time for these passive aggressive, gaslighting type of people...

itsjustchuck

possibly finding your own place would be doing something for you. doesn't sound like it's worth the abuse to me. it's never just one person's fault in a relationship (in my opinion, anyway). recovery is more important.

kleigh

What's keeping you from moving back to Pennsylvania? It sounds like you have a good support system there. Currently, you're not tied down to a job, you've got money in the bank....why not just go for it?

KateL

Sounds like a plan xxxxx

EndGameNYC

Not feelin' the respect here.

Free rent is often very expensive.

krete77

Hey you can come live with me. I'm close to ya. And I'm not a jerk