Jimcarrey92

I sometimes get these thoughts about how I wish my dad would have told me that he had cancer, I would have helped him get to a cancer treatment center and would have worked together with him to help get him through it, see everytime I see that awful commercial about the Cancer Treatment Center of America I get upset because I'm sure if we got him there in time he could have beat it, and honestly those success stories make me upset because in a way it's being rubbed in my nose that other people like my dad who was in stage 4, beat it. I'm happy for the families and I'm not a mean spirited person who thinks that ANYONE should lose somebody that's important to them, but it's always a trigger for me to wish I took him there, now I can't have a conversation with him or have him a part of my life, it's awful to think that there was a way to save him and that me and my family didn't do it. If the success Rate isn't high enough there really shouldn't be a commercial, cancer destroys the lives of the sons, daughters, wives, nephews etc of the actual person it kills, they should be more sensitive to the emotional impact that commercial gives off to broken families, I don't need to be reminded of what could have been done, and I do not wish bad on the people who survived please don't get me wrong in fact I feel bad for people that go through similar stuff as me because I know how horrible it is

Dee74

Jim

I know how it is to have the couldawouldashouldas.

The fact is I'm sure you were a fine son who did everything he could for his Dad at the time.

The power of life or death is too often simply not in our hands Jim.

I really hope you can get into counselling and work through some of the misplaced guilt and regrets you have.

D

Hevyn

I agree - you can't let yourself be eaten up by this. It was your dad's decision to not share his health problems - so you were not given the chance to suggest anything. This is not your fault. You must reach out for the best possible life you can have now. No amount of regret will change anything - and you need to be kind to yourself.

Dee74

I moved your thread from Gratitude forum to Newcomers Jim. How are you doing?

D

Alkaline

My father did the same thing many years ago. He (and my Mom) thought they were doing the right thing by keeping my father's cancer a secret until the very end. I wish I had been in the loop at the first warning signs and diagnosis - it would have been easier for me to have taken that ride together than to be told out of the blue that dad had only a few months to live. But in time I came to understand that what they did, they did out of love for me.

Hope you can find peace with it.

Anna

Can you try to accept that your Dad didn't want to tell you about his cancer? My Dad died last year and he too, could likely have lived longer, had he gotten medical help for his health issues. He chose to not do that and I have to accept that.

I get upset when I hear a new story that someone 'won their battle' with cancer. I think it's incredibly insensitive to imply that those people who die from cancer, didn't fight hard enough or do the right things. That's so unfair.

Cascabel

My father died of lung cancer. My parents chose not to let me know about it until they needed my help desperately. My father was too weak to walk and my mother was in extreme alcoholism. I helped as best I could but my father still died and my mother continued on in her alcoholism until she, too, died. It took me a long time and a lot of talking to shed the feeling that I should have done more to help. Intellectually, I know there was nothing more I could have done; I had a family to support and I lived 1500 miles away. But, still, on those "dark nights of the soul" I still feel some guilt. Having someone supportive to talk with helps a lot: so does the passage of time.

EndGameNYC

My father had the best possible care from the very beginning, including access to groundbreaking treatments, and with the additional support from one of his sons who is an MD and an ex-wife who is a nursing supervisor.

He went downhill quickly, and died sooner than expected.

As much as we may want them to live forever, everyone dear to us will eventually die or leave us in other ways we cannot predict or prepare for. It's a good thing that you can talk about your regrets, but with all due compassion, ruminating over what might have been will only allow your pain to linger. Working through your loss is the cutting edge for you and, as Dee suggested, I believe you can move on from this with the help of a trained professional.

LillianGish

I lost my mom to kidney cancer. It was stage 4 when it was discovered, the symptoms long ignored by quack HMO doctors. She died three months later and no institute in the world could have saved her.

I do know she died on her own terms, and each of us has that choice. Your dad made decisions that he had the right to make for himself. Maybe they aren't decisions you would have made, and indeed those decisions were unfair to you.

Cancer isn't fair. Life isn't fair. I bet he felt the same way when he heard the diagnosis. Sounds like he tried to think of you and your feelings. He didn't want to put you through the pain if it could be avoided. It couldn't though, could it? It just postponed it.

When you are told you are going to die, perhaps you will make different decisions....maybe not. Until you are in that seat, be aware your perspective may be different.

My mom had several family members die of cancer and she was very specific on how she wanted it to all go down if it were ever her turn. Oncologists ignored and gave her all kinds of hope that a cure was just around the bend.

When it's time to go......God makes the call and no one else. The higher power concept isn't just for alcoholism.

Peace to you. I know it's hard. Really hard.

Jimcarrey92

Usually the first week of sobriety after a relapse isn't this difficult, but this time around it is, it's not that I have a strong desire to drink.....yet it's that I'm not having a lot of fun and I unfortunately have a lot of stresses in my everyday life, I'm taking steps towards being patient with myself with breaking into acting, but as far as my back up job goes, my uncle is trying to get me in as a doorman and I want that fallback job so bad because it will be steady and flexible when I get on auditions. The other choice is the moving business which costs 250 dollars plus 33 dollars a Month in dues to join. And in all honesty it's an emotionally crippling job for me because my father used to be the president of the local 814 movers union and I'm constantly reminded of him and deeply miss him on the job because it's a trigger, plus the other workers all loved my dad because he always made sure they got enough work, and they always come up to me and say "your father was a great man" and then I miss him even more, it's such a grief trigger to work there, I just kind of feel trapped right now, hard to get a smile or a laugh lately

Dee74

Like I and others have said Jim you really need to deal with your feelings over your Dad's passing.

I think you also need to deal with your alcoholism.

Neither of these things is gonna just go away by themselves.

Until you deal with both it's likely you're gonna keep going round in this particularly vicious circle.

D

Jimcarrey92

I'll be 14 days sober again in 4 minutes from now, I'm not doing really well, this time I'm depressed about my mother, she has severe COPD and when she got out of the hospital they said she was lucky to have survived and I'm still very traumatized about that because I also don't know how much longer she will live for, and because of her condition which makes her irritable we didn't get along that much after my father passed in 2011, I was bitter for years about never seeing him again and I guess I wasn't able to tolerate caretaking for my mom because I was so consumed by my grief. I was also drinking heavily almost everyday the first year he died and was isolating and mad at the world, it wasn't until recently when she almost died that I feel the same empathy for her that I used to feel when my dad was alive, I cried like a baby and apologized for those years where we didn't get along and I realized at that moment that I DO care about my mother even though I thought I didn't because of our rocky relationship. The primary reason that we still fight is over her well-being, the hospital said that she had to wear her C-PAP mask every night to avoid carbon dioxide build up in her lungs, she could die from this. She refuses to wear the mask sometimes and doesn't do her treatments at times either, and I don't want he to die, so I'm losing sleep and getting chest pains from worrying about her dying, I'm going to a group caretaking counseling tomorrow to help me cope with this, this is not fair and my grandmother and mom are mad at me for being concerned about this, they tell me to get over it, I'm so depressed that I hate talking to people and want to isolate why do I have to be treated like a criminal on top of all of this worrying? I just started feeling better about my fathers passing and now I'm worried about my mom I feel so down and like I'm at "bottom" in life, of course I have huge drinking cravings I did so well for two weeks and I want to continue but life sucks and it just won't stop sucking I don't know how to get out of this quagmire I'm in

Dee74

First off, congrats on 2 weeks - thats so awesome

I'm sorry about your mom Jim - but you know what she does or doesn't do is her call, not yours, right?

I know you worry, but really it's not your responsibility, She's a grown woman.

If you take the world on your shoulders it will weigh you down...thats one of the reasons I drank too - I was not only taking on the responsibility for my life, I was taking on the responsibility for other people's loves as well.

If you've never read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, I recommend it. I think the book will surprise you.

D

least

Congrats on two weeks sober. I hope you can get counseling to deal with these issues. Otherwise they will eat you alive. Take care of yourself please.

PurpleKnight

Hey Jim, my dad passed away a few years ago, alcoholism consumed his life and I never really got to have the father/son relationship that I craved.

The thing is, when did having responsibly for our parents become a son or daughter's responsibility, surely it's supposed to be the other way around, children shouldn't have to be burdened by the lose of a parent, because at the end of the day the natural course of life is a parent passing before their children.

The most important thing though is to stay steadfast and not turn to alcohol, I assure you, it will solve nothing, I used to honour my dad's anniversary by getting wasted, but it solved nothing, Sobriety is the way forward, alcohol will only make things worse!!

MythOfSisyphus

Congrats on two weeks, Jim! It's tough to lose your father; I know, my dad died just over 2 years ago and I think of him every single day. But you can't beat yourself up over it. The control we think we have over the affairs of everyday life is often illusory. But you can control whether or not you drink. Take solace in at least that one thing you can control!

Jimcarrey92

30 days! Been here before quite a few times, I really want to go for it this time, I'm locked in and I think my clean bill of health from the doctor motivated me even more to stop because I honestly thought I would have liver damage, I'm very surprized that I didn't because when I used to binge I would go way overboard and I haven't gone more than 60 consecutive days straight without drinking since august 2010 and it's now march 2014. I gotta do better than that, 60 days is my record for almost 4 years that's dependency for you right there, the hell with drinking I enjoy the achievement of breaking 60 way more than a buzz

Aarryckha

Congrats on 30 days, Jim!

wackybunny

Thanks for your post Jim. I'm really sorry for your pain. I can relate a bit. My father was ill for a long time and there was nothing I could do. He wouldn't help himself much and no amount of begging from me changed his behavior. He'd say "it's sweet that you care honey but I'm not going to start taking advice from my own child, I'm a grown man". Then he took his own life. I had so many feelings, unbearable feelings. But the worst part was the guilt, thinking I could have done more, been there for him more. It could have eaten me alive but in the end, his situation was out of my hands. He was a grown man making his own decisions and I was not in a position to mother him. It's terribly hard in the beginning but I learned to carry on and eventually found happiness again. I'm still alive and I'm in control of me. You know how we wanted them to be healthy and look after themselves? We should turn that on ourselves.

wackybunny

And well done on your sober time, that's awesome!