Husband relapsed - but doesn't see it that way
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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New here, confused and hurt
Hello,
I'm new to the forums. My quick story - my husband had a opiate addiction before I met him. I told him very bluntly, this would not be tolerated-I have 3 daughters he has 2 sons-he assured me he was clean and while I've had some questions from time to time (and asked him to take a test that always came out clean) I trusted him to keep his promise. Three days ago, after a day of shoveling and snow blowing, his eyes looked messed up. I asked him and he said he was exhausted, which I know he was. The next day, his eyes looked messed up again, and my gut was telling me something was amiss. I asked him and he got defensive, saying that my lack of trust in him hurt him. I got a test anyway, and he came up positive for opiates. After acting like a jerk for a few minutes, "NO WAY, That's impossible, how'd I come up dirty" he admitted to buying some vicodins in November at a weak moment, but didn't use them and when his back started hurting he took them. He took them, he lied, he made me feel like I was crazy for asking.....He says it's not a relapse because he took them for what they are used for, he didn't snort them up his nose like he would have to get high. What do I do? To me this is betrayal. So confused in NH
I'm new to the forums. My quick story - my husband had a opiate addiction before I met him. I told him very bluntly, this would not be tolerated-I have 3 daughters he has 2 sons-he assured me he was clean and while I've had some questions from time to time (and asked him to take a test that always came out clean) I trusted him to keep his promise. Three days ago, after a day of shoveling and snow blowing, his eyes looked messed up. I asked him and he said he was exhausted, which I know he was. The next day, his eyes looked messed up again, and my gut was telling me something was amiss. I asked him and he got defensive, saying that my lack of trust in him hurt him. I got a test anyway, and he came up positive for opiates. After acting like a jerk for a few minutes, "NO WAY, That's impossible, how'd I come up dirty" he admitted to buying some vicodins in November at a weak moment, but didn't use them and when his back started hurting he took them. He took them, he lied, he made me feel like I was crazy for asking.....He says it's not a relapse because he took them for what they are used for, he didn't snort them up his nose like he would have to get high. What do I do? To me this is betrayal. So confused in NH
bona fido dog-lover
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Welcome to SR! 
Sounds like your husband doesn't want to admit using. It's not your responsibility to make him stop, that's strictly up to him. We have a forum here just for friends and family of substance abusers. Maybe take a look there for more insight. 
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Sounds like your husband doesn't want to admit using. It's not your responsibility to make him stop, that's strictly up to him. We have a forum here just for friends and family of substance abusers. Maybe take a look there for more insight. Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Sounds like he lied to you. They seem to do that, these addicts. Make you feel crazy when you're on to them. it sucks, I know, my AH does the same thing only he wont EVER admit to it, he will make up the most ridiculous **** to cover his pill use, whether pain pills or even Imodium. incredible. IMO, using pain pills when you had (have) an addiction to them is never a good thing and cant happen. Its like an alcoholic just having a glass of wine one in a while. how does that work??
hang in there.
hang in there.
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I just don't know what to do. Do I walk away because I don't want this lifestyle around my kids, knowing if I walk away I lose a man that I love and his sons. Do I stay and hope that this was a one time thing? Do I make him take a test every 3 days (expensive)? Do I hate him, ignore him, or just accept he admitted it and move on? I have never had drug use in my life, had a pretty perfect childhood - so I guess this type of behavior is even scarier to me because I have no idea about it. I've done internet research, but that doesn't compare to someone who has lived it. Any advice is appreciated
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well - you did tell him straight out that drug use would not be tolerated. he claims to have purchased the vikes back in november in a "weak moment" - i presume he got them off of somebody, not a doctor, and he already admitted he got them cuz he was planning to use.
yes vicodins are PRESCRIBED for pain, however they were not prescribed TO HIM, and he procured them with bad intentions in mind.
and then lied straight to your face. and even when finally busted, admits but minimizes that it's not a relapse.
it's really sad that you feel you have to periodically test your husband...and that sure enough he came up dirty.
using is using. period. he has proven that it is not beneath him to lie and sneak and use, even tho he knows the conditions. so now if he SAYS i'll never do it again....how can you ever believe that? he has blown what should be a sacred trust. you'll have to think about your options and what you are willing to accept.
yes vicodins are PRESCRIBED for pain, however they were not prescribed TO HIM, and he procured them with bad intentions in mind.
and then lied straight to your face. and even when finally busted, admits but minimizes that it's not a relapse.
it's really sad that you feel you have to periodically test your husband...and that sure enough he came up dirty.
using is using. period. he has proven that it is not beneath him to lie and sneak and use, even tho he knows the conditions. so now if he SAYS i'll never do it again....how can you ever believe that? he has blown what should be a sacred trust. you'll have to think about your options and what you are willing to accept.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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I am by no means an expert. Like u my AH is the first time ive dealt with drug addiction in my life. I will say this read the losts on SR u will realize ur not crazy not alone and it will help guide u on what u can do to stay sane and know what to expect. I feel ur pain trust me I know the hurt and loss that scares the **** out of you as it does me. Take time and gather info. U cant be his probabtion officer testing him all the time. Nor should u. Usually what ive found is that when we feel something isnt right it usually isnt right. Trust ur gut. Take time for urself and ur kids thats all u can control. Hang in there!
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I feel as though it is an issue because it was not prescribed to him. If one has pain that they need medication for go to a doctor. I shoveled alot this winter too, it did hurt my back. I took Aleve and a hot bath. See where I am going here?
Only you can decide what you can tolerate. You knew the signs w/out testing him, you knew it was off. I don't really know that you needed a drug test, but it proved you to be correct and showed you he lied. You have to decide your boundaries and what you can handle. Don't give any ultimatiums unless you plan to stick to them, addicts are like naughty kids and if they realize you don't stick to what you say they take advantage of that. It's a sad fact.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I am sorry. Keep reading, keep coming for support. We will walk this with you!
Big Hugs!
Only you can decide what you can tolerate. You knew the signs w/out testing him, you knew it was off. I don't really know that you needed a drug test, but it proved you to be correct and showed you he lied. You have to decide your boundaries and what you can handle. Don't give any ultimatiums unless you plan to stick to them, addicts are like naughty kids and if they realize you don't stick to what you say they take advantage of that. It's a sad fact.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I am sorry. Keep reading, keep coming for support. We will walk this with you!
Big Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Thank you all. He just got home from work and he came in ready for an argument-guard up and all. I'm not arguing about it, flat out he relapsed. Flat out he needs to get into a program or he needs to pack his crap. I talked to his mother (who is as heartbroken as I am) and I told her my fear is losing my family. I know how awesome he is, and I know addiction is a disease, but today I'm not feeling any compassion and I'm not about to. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like listening to him, but tonight I'm losing myself in my stupid computer games and some relaxing music. Needless to say I didn't sleep well, I didn't get much work done today and I feel completely spent. I'm so angry, I'm so sad, I'm too many things to try and sort out in one night. I don't even know what I need him to say, what I need to hear to start to feel any compassion. I guess I'm just too angry at this point because we have a beautifully blended family, 5 gorgeous children who light up our lives, a great house and we even have the minivan and dog. Take away the part where he's an addict and I have exactly the life I dreamed of. UGH THIS SUCKS!!!! Thank you all for the advice, it's great to know that how I'm feeling is OK, that I'm not alone and that other people can help me through this. I hate drugs!
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what part is betrayal? where he lied? or because he had pills at home without your knowledge? or because he took them after his back started hurting when he worked for hours?
He shouldnt have lied to you, but it sounds like he knew you would be upset, people lie about drug use almost all of them because of the way it makes them feel ashamed, and fear of the reaction. Doesnt sound like theres much trust between you. I think its his place to decide what this means for him, and how he needs to respond to it happening. Is it possible, your fears are getting the best of you?
He shouldnt have lied to you, but it sounds like he knew you would be upset, people lie about drug use almost all of them because of the way it makes them feel ashamed, and fear of the reaction. Doesnt sound like theres much trust between you. I think its his place to decide what this means for him, and how he needs to respond to it happening. Is it possible, your fears are getting the best of you?
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I hate drugs too. I hope you are able to get some peace and rest this weekend.
God Bless.
God Bless.
Originally Posted by penny9175 
Thank you all. He just got home from work and he came in ready for an argument-guard up and all. I'm not arguing about it, flat out he relapsed. Flat out he needs to get into a program or he needs to pack his crap. I talked to his mother (who is as heartbroken as I am) and I told her my fear is losing my family. I know how awesome he is, and I know addiction is a disease, but today I'm not feeling any compassion and I'm not about to. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like listening to him, but tonight I'm losing myself in my stupid computer games and some relaxing music. Needless to say I didn't sleep well, I didn't get much work done today and I feel completely spent. I'm so angry, I'm so sad, I'm too many things to try and sort out in one night. I don't even know what I need him to say, what I need to hear to start to feel any compassion. I guess I'm just too angry at this point because we have a beautifully blended family, 5 gorgeous children who light up our lives, a great house and we even have the minivan and dog. Take away the part where he's an addict and I have exactly the life I dreamed of. UGH THIS SUCKS!!!! Thank you all for the advice, it's great to know that how I'm feeling is OK, that I'm not alone and that other people can help me through this. I hate drugs!
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Penny, I think you're very strong to stick to your boundaries on this. You were very clear about what would happen if he was using, he used anyway, and now you are following through and protecting your boundary. I think it's so great that you're putting yourself and your kids first here. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and I still feel bitter that my needs were never a priority, so it gives me hope to see mothers who are willing to put their foot down.
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Bluechair, wow! That's kind of a really rude thing to say to someone going through this. The betrayal starts where he hid narcotics in my house where I run a home daycare. The second betrayal was using, the third was lying.....it goes on. I'm not 19 years old, and between us we have children ranging from 4 to 20. It is not his place to decide what this means, it's mine and my right to protect myself and my children from this lifestyle. As for there not being much trust between us, there isn't anymore. When you know someone and you know their history and you know that they have relapsed in the past, when their family tells you the warning signs and when you have children in the home that you're protecting you act with caution. I choose my children and my life over his drug use, straight out. I never had drug addiction in my life, I'm lucky, and I'm going to do anything in my power to make sure our kids don't. He lied, and he didn't KNOW how I'd react because we have never been through this before. Honestly, if he had said I had a weak day and bought pills I wouldn't have been angry, I would have been proud of him for NOT taking them. If he had said my back hurts so bad, I would have said lets call your Dr and see what he says you should take, his Dr knows his history. I'm not a mean person and when I love someone I love with all I have. I love him, I understand relapse happens, I'm not a horrible woman, I'm a protective mother and someone who doesn't want to be hurt. It's not wrong of me to say I won't tolerate drug use, it's strong of me to say that. Why would you be negative when I came here looking for positive assistance? When someone turns to the advice of complete strangers, I think that shows that they are at a low point and feel lost. After reading all the other comments, I started to feel better, then you chime in with your comment. Not cool - be constructive not destructive, and don't be fooled - it's my decision on what happens next with us, not his. As for my fears - well they got the best of me because they came true so I hope that answers that for you. As for me, I feel defeated and extremely hurt. His ex wife is in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, shot up with our boys in the same room as her, abused our youngest, spent Christmas in jail this year, spent Christmas in detox last year, and he has watched how this has destroyed the boys and the way they look at their mother. Why shouldn't I want to protect them from feeling that way about both of their biological parents? Isn't that my job as their mother, to protect them and give them the best life? Isn't it a parents job to do everything they can to be there for their children, even if that means fighting an addiction or reaching out for help when you feel weak. So many addicts don't realize that the person they are lying to is the person that is their biggest fan, loudest cheerleader and would walk through fire to protect them. Honesty goes a long way, much longer than any addict wants to admit.
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The reality is that if your husband and the children's father/stepfather is a drug addict, it is a lifetime condition. Addiction is permanent. He may be abstinent or he may be using, but whatever he does, he is permanently an addict. It is best to accept that as your reality and as the children's unalterable reality. You can't wish this away. You can't look at the beautiful kids, the dog, and the minivan and hope that all those things will make his addictive disease disappear. (This is what we do when we are married to an addict, so I am speaking in general terms here).
It is not okay for part of the family budget of a family of six to go to drugs to keep one family member high. So, yes, he has to take responsibility and seek intensive treatment. If he will not do that, the family dollars do not need to be going to keeping him checked out.
Does he drive the children around? Another issue.
You are the one who is in charge of your life and you are the sober parent, so you will have to be the boundary-setter and boundary-keeper. The house, kids, dog, van, and perfect life are an illusion if husband is using and lying. It is very important that you see his condition as permanent and that you hand him the ultimate responsibility for seeking treatment for it, and that you allow the natural consequences of his refusal, if he refuses, to happen. You cannot control this. Your job is to keep the children safe and the family solvent.
It is not okay for part of the family budget of a family of six to go to drugs to keep one family member high. So, yes, he has to take responsibility and seek intensive treatment. If he will not do that, the family dollars do not need to be going to keeping him checked out.
Does he drive the children around? Another issue.
You are the one who is in charge of your life and you are the sober parent, so you will have to be the boundary-setter and boundary-keeper. The house, kids, dog, van, and perfect life are an illusion if husband is using and lying. It is very important that you see his condition as permanent and that you hand him the ultimate responsibility for seeking treatment for it, and that you allow the natural consequences of his refusal, if he refuses, to happen. You cannot control this. Your job is to keep the children safe and the family solvent.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Actually penny, you might want to use the resources for getting professional help for yourself and your children -- not your husband. This isn't just going to go away, and it isn't going to be easy for you or the kids to deal with.
Some on this board seem to think that family members should sacrifice everything to help their addict get better -- but you have the right -- in fact, the obligation -- to put your and your childrens' needs first. If your husband wants help, there are options for him, but it doesn't sound like he even thinks he has a problem at this stage.
One thing I ask though, is what made you decide to take a chance on him if you knew he had a history of addiction, and you knew that that was a dealbreaker for you? Like Englishgarden wrote, addiction is a life-time condition: it never really goes away. We can't control it and we can't cure it.
I know that there is one thing I have learned from living with an addict: the pain we experience due to the addiction is often due to our own choices. Sure, we think that if he were to just not use that everything would be roses, but often there are much deeper issues lurking in the addict, and in us, that for some reason we do not see easily.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The only advice I can give is this: look at things as truthfully as possible. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. Addicts lie, but their actions don't. And be very aware of your actions and how you might be feeding the dynamic. Addiction is a disease of denial, as is codependency. You may not be codependent. If not, no need to pay attention to what I've written. But I am a codie and we codies are drawn like flies to honey to lovers that need to be fixed, to the partner who could just be perfect if we could only change this one thing about them.
We are often in just as much denial about the truth of the situation as the addict is.
Some on this board seem to think that family members should sacrifice everything to help their addict get better -- but you have the right -- in fact, the obligation -- to put your and your childrens' needs first. If your husband wants help, there are options for him, but it doesn't sound like he even thinks he has a problem at this stage.
One thing I ask though, is what made you decide to take a chance on him if you knew he had a history of addiction, and you knew that that was a dealbreaker for you? Like Englishgarden wrote, addiction is a life-time condition: it never really goes away. We can't control it and we can't cure it.
I know that there is one thing I have learned from living with an addict: the pain we experience due to the addiction is often due to our own choices. Sure, we think that if he were to just not use that everything would be roses, but often there are much deeper issues lurking in the addict, and in us, that for some reason we do not see easily.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The only advice I can give is this: look at things as truthfully as possible. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. Addicts lie, but their actions don't. And be very aware of your actions and how you might be feeding the dynamic. Addiction is a disease of denial, as is codependency. You may not be codependent. If not, no need to pay attention to what I've written. But I am a codie and we codies are drawn like flies to honey to lovers that need to be fixed, to the partner who could just be perfect if we could only change this one thing about them.
We are often in just as much denial about the truth of the situation as the addict is.
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I'm sorry this happened to you. Drugs do suck!
I guess I'm just trying to understand why you seem so shocked that the addict husband you married picked up again. If you were so concerned about drugs and drug use ruining your children's lives why did you marry an addict in the first place? Did you think you can mold him into the perfect husband and perfect father? As English garden said addiction is permanent." You can't look at the beautiful kids, the dog, and the minivan and hope that all those things will make his addictive disease disappear."
Bc is correct that it is up to him to decide what this means to him and what he plans to do about it. He is a grown adult not a child and you are not his mother to perform drug tests on him.
But I do think if this has only happened once out of the course of your marriage. Not sure how long that is though. Perhaps you two should sit down and talk about this in a calm manner....instead of overreacting. He may very well need medical attention if he spent the entire day shoveling snow. That's brutal on a persons back.
I guess I'm just trying to understand why you seem so shocked that the addict husband you married picked up again. If you were so concerned about drugs and drug use ruining your children's lives why did you marry an addict in the first place? Did you think you can mold him into the perfect husband and perfect father? As English garden said addiction is permanent." You can't look at the beautiful kids, the dog, and the minivan and hope that all those things will make his addictive disease disappear."
Bc is correct that it is up to him to decide what this means to him and what he plans to do about it. He is a grown adult not a child and you are not his mother to perform drug tests on him.
But I do think if this has only happened once out of the course of your marriage. Not sure how long that is though. Perhaps you two should sit down and talk about this in a calm manner....instead of overreacting. He may very well need medical attention if he spent the entire day shoveling snow. That's brutal on a persons back.
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I wouldn't believe the back excuse for a minute! If it really did hurt he should have gone for medical attention -- that is what normal people do. Normal people do not horde narcotics in their houses for when their backs might hurt.
Sorry, but his behavior does indicate relapse -- the lying, the deflecting, the outright quacking does not indicate a healthy state of mind.
Sorry, but his behavior does indicate relapse -- the lying, the deflecting, the outright quacking does not indicate a healthy state of mind.
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whoa...way to make the non-addict sound responsible for the whole mess! he SAID he was clean, he PROMISED to stay that way....he AGREED to random tests to prove he was clean.
sure HE has to figure out what HE is going to do...but SHE has kids to look after...hers AND his. while he went and got drugs behind her back (no pun intended) and then found an excuse to use again. not just enough to take away whatever back pain, but enough to get F'd up.
she isn't overreacting...he brought drugs INTO her home, where children are present and then took drugs to get high.....and then LIED about it. denied it. he violated the sanctity of the home.
sure HE has to figure out what HE is going to do...but SHE has kids to look after...hers AND his. while he went and got drugs behind her back (no pun intended) and then found an excuse to use again. not just enough to take away whatever back pain, but enough to get F'd up.
she isn't overreacting...he brought drugs INTO her home, where children are present and then took drugs to get high.....and then LIED about it. denied it. he violated the sanctity of the home.
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Im sorry for what your going through right now. There are always lots of opinions here on SR because we all have unique situations.
Symptoms of addiction are always similar: the lying, hiding the addiction. Its very easy to take these things personally and view them as betrayal.. I know I did when my husband first became addicted to his pain meds. But, now I know those things are truly only symptoms of addiction. My husband couldn’t be honest with me when he was in denial and lying to himself.
When I removed the anger, blame, feelings of betrayal regarding my husbands addiction - and began to see it as the medical issue it really is; then I was able to think more clearly and make better decisions for my family.
Encouraging someone to get professional help is always appropriate in my opinion. Has he ever worked with a therapist, or addiction specialist?
This could be a slip and he might get right back on track, or it could be the start of a major relapse… how can you know ? In my husband’s case, with the help of doctors and therapists; we worked up plans that would take effect in the event of a relapse. Actions that I would take, actions that he was supposed to take. My actions depend on the situation, his behaviors, the impact I feel its having on myself, and our 2 year old.
Communication is also very important in our relapse plan. In most scenarios, I will give him time to do the things he needs to do in order to get himself back on track & I will support his efforts while he continues to live at home.
It sounds like your making the kids the top priority and that is the only thing I can suggest. Stay that path, and in time the answers will come. His kids have had a lot of exposure to addiction already; both their mom & dad suffer with addiction if Ive read your post correctly. Very sad, and most likely very traumatic for them.
I hope things stabilize for all of you very soon.
Symptoms of addiction are always similar: the lying, hiding the addiction. Its very easy to take these things personally and view them as betrayal.. I know I did when my husband first became addicted to his pain meds. But, now I know those things are truly only symptoms of addiction. My husband couldn’t be honest with me when he was in denial and lying to himself.
When I removed the anger, blame, feelings of betrayal regarding my husbands addiction - and began to see it as the medical issue it really is; then I was able to think more clearly and make better decisions for my family.
Encouraging someone to get professional help is always appropriate in my opinion. Has he ever worked with a therapist, or addiction specialist?
This could be a slip and he might get right back on track, or it could be the start of a major relapse… how can you know ? In my husband’s case, with the help of doctors and therapists; we worked up plans that would take effect in the event of a relapse. Actions that I would take, actions that he was supposed to take. My actions depend on the situation, his behaviors, the impact I feel its having on myself, and our 2 year old.
Communication is also very important in our relapse plan. In most scenarios, I will give him time to do the things he needs to do in order to get himself back on track & I will support his efforts while he continues to live at home.
It sounds like your making the kids the top priority and that is the only thing I can suggest. Stay that path, and in time the answers will come. His kids have had a lot of exposure to addiction already; both their mom & dad suffer with addiction if Ive read your post correctly. Very sad, and most likely very traumatic for them.
I hope things stabilize for all of you very soon.
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