How to let go?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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How to let go?
I have been doing so much reading on this forum and it has provided so much strength and encouragement. Thank you.
I have a "best" friend of three years and we've been roommates for three years.
At first when we became friends I didn't know of her addiction. She was very open about her past addiction to cocaine alcohol xtc crack and very open in telling me she had done and tried everything available. We shared a bond over having similar childhoods, raised by single addicted mothers.
I never saw her do anything besides the occasional bottle of wine and could not understand why I was being warned by so many people. I was living with this woman 24/7 and I did not see the "part" girl in her.
We became incredibly close especially after she became pregnant. I went with her to doctor appointments, was there for the birth and visited her every day at the hospital. I drove her home from the hospital as the father of the child also is an addict and had decided to drink a few beers before picking up his child from the hospital.
I babysat, changed diapers, and didn't mind one bit I still don't.
A couple months after the baby was born she opened up and said she was still regularly doing coke while pregnant. I was shocked! She always said though that she was working hard on changing. Looking back I should have known better.
The first nasty fight happened not much after that. She was drunk and out of the blue she just switched and called me all kinds of disgusting names.
I told her I would leave. The next morning she apologized. I stayed.
This happened a couple of times now.
What would also happen is that she would ask me to babysit for a hour and she would stay away all night and not pick up the phone. This is what upsets me even more. In case of emergency I cannot even reach you.
The whole family is addicted to at least alcohol and I always feared that If I left it would go downhill very fast.
Last summer she decided to move closer to her family with the excuse that if she lives closer by she will be confronted with those behaviours and that would help her not drink.(I knew she was lying to herself but what could I say).
The drinking benders went from once a week to every other day. I found her one morning so hung over on alcohol and coke after a night of partying and hooking up, that it scared me and her too(or so she said). A month later she was pregnant. I went with her for the abortion.
She does lines with her mother and her younger brother. It is all so very dysfunctional. Every single person in her network is a drinker.
She told me she has never had a friend like me that her previous friends were all bar buddies. She has also said that if I leave she is afraid it will get even worse. Yet she treats me like crap when convenient to her. She cancels my birthday dinner she organized without even informing me.
I have left a couple of times and written multiple clear letters to her that I cannot support her behaviour or accept her hurting me.
She says she understands, she kinda apologizes and then I, who should know better by know, want to make it all better and forgive her and move back in.
I know my part in all of this and in the beginning I definitely enabled thinking that at least it was under control(the lies we tell ourselves
). I was the one who taught her how to treat me and that she would get away with it. I can see how my relationship with my mother influenced this one. I have allowed both of them to walk right over me and take advantage.
The final straw for me was, she asked me to babysit for a hour around noon and she stayed away all day and night. Her child was sick she would hang up on me and not pick up the phone. she would not take the calls when I called to the bar. I called the father of the child, same thing. she had brought some random drunk home and started yelling at me when I told her this was all so very ridiculous. she threw something at me which hit me in the gut then she charged me and threw me against the wall twice. I ended up calling the cops but not pressing charges. Where would the kid go? Every person she knows was also drunk that night. I left the next morning.
She apologized a couple days after and said its for the better this way and she will be working on herself. However the very next day she had a dinner party and was drinking.
I hate losing such a close friendship and my relationship to the child. I realize the dysfunctional aspect of it but when sober we truly are great friends/sisters. I have seen and been around that kid almost every day of it's life for 2 years.
I think no contact is the best way forward but then I also must be ready to accept that there is a very high likelihood that she will never get better and I am not sure I am ready for that just yet.
Sorry for the long post but needed to get this off my chest in a place of understanding.
I have a "best" friend of three years and we've been roommates for three years.
At first when we became friends I didn't know of her addiction. She was very open about her past addiction to cocaine alcohol xtc crack and very open in telling me she had done and tried everything available. We shared a bond over having similar childhoods, raised by single addicted mothers.
I never saw her do anything besides the occasional bottle of wine and could not understand why I was being warned by so many people. I was living with this woman 24/7 and I did not see the "part" girl in her.
We became incredibly close especially after she became pregnant. I went with her to doctor appointments, was there for the birth and visited her every day at the hospital. I drove her home from the hospital as the father of the child also is an addict and had decided to drink a few beers before picking up his child from the hospital.
I babysat, changed diapers, and didn't mind one bit I still don't.
A couple months after the baby was born she opened up and said she was still regularly doing coke while pregnant. I was shocked! She always said though that she was working hard on changing. Looking back I should have known better.
The first nasty fight happened not much after that. She was drunk and out of the blue she just switched and called me all kinds of disgusting names.
I told her I would leave. The next morning she apologized. I stayed.
This happened a couple of times now.
What would also happen is that she would ask me to babysit for a hour and she would stay away all night and not pick up the phone. This is what upsets me even more. In case of emergency I cannot even reach you.
The whole family is addicted to at least alcohol and I always feared that If I left it would go downhill very fast.
Last summer she decided to move closer to her family with the excuse that if she lives closer by she will be confronted with those behaviours and that would help her not drink.(I knew she was lying to herself but what could I say).
The drinking benders went from once a week to every other day. I found her one morning so hung over on alcohol and coke after a night of partying and hooking up, that it scared me and her too(or so she said). A month later she was pregnant. I went with her for the abortion.
She does lines with her mother and her younger brother. It is all so very dysfunctional. Every single person in her network is a drinker.
She told me she has never had a friend like me that her previous friends were all bar buddies. She has also said that if I leave she is afraid it will get even worse. Yet she treats me like crap when convenient to her. She cancels my birthday dinner she organized without even informing me.
I have left a couple of times and written multiple clear letters to her that I cannot support her behaviour or accept her hurting me.
She says she understands, she kinda apologizes and then I, who should know better by know, want to make it all better and forgive her and move back in.
I know my part in all of this and in the beginning I definitely enabled thinking that at least it was under control(the lies we tell ourselves
). I was the one who taught her how to treat me and that she would get away with it. I can see how my relationship with my mother influenced this one. I have allowed both of them to walk right over me and take advantage.The final straw for me was, she asked me to babysit for a hour around noon and she stayed away all day and night. Her child was sick she would hang up on me and not pick up the phone. she would not take the calls when I called to the bar. I called the father of the child, same thing. she had brought some random drunk home and started yelling at me when I told her this was all so very ridiculous. she threw something at me which hit me in the gut then she charged me and threw me against the wall twice. I ended up calling the cops but not pressing charges. Where would the kid go? Every person she knows was also drunk that night. I left the next morning.
She apologized a couple days after and said its for the better this way and she will be working on herself. However the very next day she had a dinner party and was drinking.
I hate losing such a close friendship and my relationship to the child. I realize the dysfunctional aspect of it but when sober we truly are great friends/sisters. I have seen and been around that kid almost every day of it's life for 2 years.
I think no contact is the best way forward but then I also must be ready to accept that there is a very high likelihood that she will never get better and I am not sure I am ready for that just yet.
Sorry for the long post but needed to get this off my chest in a place of understanding.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so tough when you know how great a person can be when they aren't using - distancing yourself or cutting them off is so hard. It's like a death and it sucks. I'm not sure if anything I say can help, but just know that I read your whole story and my heart aches for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
This really is a very difficult situation, especially because there is an innocent child that you love involved. I am guessing there must be a lot of similarities between your relationship with your friend and your relationship with your mother, and that probably makes it even harder to tear yourself away. My parents were both alcoholics, and I've realized that my relationship with them set me up to be vulnerable to and even seek out relationships with other addicts. I learned very young to ignore red flags, compromise on what I needed, etc. And I am in a similar situation to yours also because my sister is an addict and it's sometimes so hard for me to come to terms with not having any way to protect her child from her addiction. I hope you will find a way to set boundaries with your friend. You might consider trying to find a way to do what you can for the child without putting yourself in a dangerous and exhausting situation. For example, you might consider moving out and then calling CPS to look in on the child. Good luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Penny9175 - Thank you for taking the time to read it. I am so grateful there is a community such as this available. It indeed feels like a death. Every once in a while she will text me like nothing is wrong and I start to think there might be hope. However when I want to address the issue at hand she refuses or ignores me.
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jjj111- Thank you. I took care of my mother from a young age and I made myself responsible for her mental well being(granted she herself endured lots of trauma at a young age and is diagnosed with bpd). I seem to gravitate to people I can be helpful too. I know I need to realize to not base my self worth on how much I can do for someone else, or how much abuse I am capable of accepting. I wish you lots of strength with your sister. Btw CPS has definitely been on my mind, my fear is that she has quite a network of people who will vouch and cover for her.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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sensitiveco, there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that has helped a lot of us here. That need to get self worth from fixing other people can run pretty deep, but that book helped me to think in more healthy ways about relationships. I think calling CPS is definitely in order, no matter what else you decide to do to cope with the situation. Even if they don't take immediate action, they will keep a record of your call and if she has future trouble (for example, if she gets arrested for coke or domestic violence at some point, which seems likely), they will know that she has a history of reported problems. Besides doing what you can for the child, though, I hope you will take good care of you. You didn't have the ability as a child to protect yourself from your mother's addiction, but you are an adult now and have the power to keep yourself safe!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Just to clarify--I think they are required to investigate your concerns. But it's true that they might not do much right away. I called CPS recently because my niece was assaulted by my sister-in-law, and they did investigate and push my brother to take steps to keep my niece safe, but didn't do much else. But now at least they have a record if there are more problems in the future.
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You should report her to CPS and keep all texts, etc you have from her if you have any documentation. Journal it all because it will establish actual dates and times. I think you should leave immediately and I agree to call CPS, persistantly.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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jjj111 - I have that book, I just started it actually. It'll be quite the process trying to separate what is believed to be part of my character from what is actually codependency. Calling CPS is such a hard thing for me as I feel that it means I believe she isn't a good mother. Which when sober she really is great. I know first hand though that its not worth the risk so it's definitely not off the table.
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hopeful4- good advice. My phone crashed a couple days ago so lost all my messages wherein she acknowledges what she did but I should still have some fb messages. The other good thing is that there is now also a notice from the cops that came out that night.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I can understand how hard it is to accept that someone who has their nice/sober days has really gotten to a point where they are out of control. I struggled with this with my AXBF--if only I could have the nice day him without the bad day, violent, paranoid, coked out him! I finally had to accept that he was who he was. Nice him and bad day him were all part of one package. It is what it is, as they say. Until your friend has a significant amount of clean time under her belt, I am guessing that she will continue to be a little naughty and a little nice. I hope you will find a way to protect yourself! Hugs!
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I think no contact is the best way forward but then I also must be ready to accept that there is a very high likelihood that she will never get better and I am not sure I am ready for that just yet.
The final straw for me was, she asked me to babysit for a hour around noon and she stayed away all day and night. Her child was sick she would hang up on me and not pick up the phone. she would not take the calls when I called to the bar. I called the father of the child, same thing. she had brought some random drunk home and started yelling at me when I told her this was all so very ridiculous. she threw something at me which hit me in the gut then she charged me and threw me against the wall twice. I ended up calling the cops but not pressing charges. Where would the kid go? Every person she knows was also drunk that night. I left the next morning.
It will suck. It will be painful. And, yes, you have to do a lot of self examination in the days and weeks to come. But it will get better, in time...
ZoSo
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The child should be removed from her custody and placed in protective care. The baby is in grave danger and could die in her custody. If you being her enabler also enables her to keep her child, then in spite of your deep caring for the child, you are contributing to the danger, not lessening it, by being on call to step in whenever the mother is drugged, violent, and potentially psychotic.
A detailed letter to CPS--so everything is in writing and is dated--accompanied by a phone call to CPS, is the highest priority. There is an endangered child, and intervention on the child's behalf should not be delayed.
You are not qualified to rescue the child, it is necessary to step out of the way and let professionals do their job. But as witness to the ongoing neglect and abuse of the child, it is your high moral responsibility to alert those who can make a real difference in whether or not the baby survives.
Your friendship with her, and your sadness about what might have been, can be processed and grieved later. Right now, action is necessary. Nothing else matters so much as the life of the child.
A detailed letter to CPS--so everything is in writing and is dated--accompanied by a phone call to CPS, is the highest priority. There is an endangered child, and intervention on the child's behalf should not be delayed.
You are not qualified to rescue the child, it is necessary to step out of the way and let professionals do their job. But as witness to the ongoing neglect and abuse of the child, it is your high moral responsibility to alert those who can make a real difference in whether or not the baby survives.
Your friendship with her, and your sadness about what might have been, can be processed and grieved later. Right now, action is necessary. Nothing else matters so much as the life of the child.
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Sensitive I really hope you read that book that was mentioned. I think it will help you to distinguish a healthy friendship from a dysfunctional one. Just from what you've posted it looks like your friend is using you as a live-in nanny. This is unfair to you and unfair to her child.
You said she was a good mother when she is sober. It doesn't look like that is very often. Motherhood is not a part-time job. It's a 24/7 365 days a year responsibility. If you really care about this child....and I think you do....I urge you to do the right thing and make that call to CPS. It looks like you are the only one who could advocate for this child...the only one who could save this child from a childhood of neglect. Please read the information on the ACOA side of this forum.....the stickies at the top of the page..... this poor child will endure emotional pain and suffering for the rest of his/her life if you remain silent. Please give this child a chance at a happy secure childhood.
You said she was a good mother when she is sober. It doesn't look like that is very often. Motherhood is not a part-time job. It's a 24/7 365 days a year responsibility. If you really care about this child....and I think you do....I urge you to do the right thing and make that call to CPS. It looks like you are the only one who could advocate for this child...the only one who could save this child from a childhood of neglect. Please read the information on the ACOA side of this forum.....the stickies at the top of the page..... this poor child will endure emotional pain and suffering for the rest of his/her life if you remain silent. Please give this child a chance at a happy secure childhood.
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Sensitive, stay strong. Stand your ground. Don't forget about the good times you had with her and her child, but for your own sanity try to move forward without letting them consume your thoughts. We can't fix everyone, I wish we could. We're fixers and it sucks when we come across a job we can't complete. Sending hugs your way
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Here I am yet again.
Hi all. So I've read the codependent book recommended here. I've moved to another country made new friends and built a new life. My friend contacted me a few months later and we got to talking she seemed and said she was in a different place. She had moved away from her triggers and was volunteering on a farm. She said she felt better and was very apologetic.
After a few months back and forth she asked me to move back and for us to start some sort of business together. Stupidly enough I did. Her picking me up from the airport drunk should have made me take the first flight out.
However I was trying to give everything a chance and not judge by old events.
Not surprisingly she fell back into some of her old behaviors however this time around I have been clearer about communicating my boundaries.
Last straw was a couple days ago, she was drunk and crossed a boundary and when I called her out on that she cursed at me and hung up. Many nasty messages and emails later (from my side too) I have been kicked out of the house yet again.
Again I'm losing a even stronger bond that I had built up with the son as I was basically his au pair this time around (which we both agreed to)
How are you supposed to get over the hurt? Trust yourself to make the right decisions for yourself? And tryst anyone else again?
So very flabbergasted by how in a matter of minutes she has thrown this friendship away again and that I am now made to be the source of all evil on the planet...
Thanks for letting me rant a bit
After a few months back and forth she asked me to move back and for us to start some sort of business together. Stupidly enough I did. Her picking me up from the airport drunk should have made me take the first flight out.
However I was trying to give everything a chance and not judge by old events.
Not surprisingly she fell back into some of her old behaviors however this time around I have been clearer about communicating my boundaries.
Last straw was a couple days ago, she was drunk and crossed a boundary and when I called her out on that she cursed at me and hung up. Many nasty messages and emails later (from my side too) I have been kicked out of the house yet again.
Again I'm losing a even stronger bond that I had built up with the son as I was basically his au pair this time around (which we both agreed to)
How are you supposed to get over the hurt? Trust yourself to make the right decisions for yourself? And tryst anyone else again?
So very flabbergasted by how in a matter of minutes she has thrown this friendship away again and that I am now made to be the source of all evil on the planet...
Thanks for letting me rant a bit
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Sorry for what is happening...AGAIN. I have been in your shoes, different names and faces, with an ex bf, but the stories are generally the same. I, too went back for more, a few times, and sadly, the dynamic/pattern was the same. And it will continue to be the same as long as one person is not seeking to get better (and maybe even if they are). As far as getting over the hurt? It takes time, self reflection and possibly seeking your program, or some type of help, if that is what you choose. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Thank you SuzieMarie, knowing that other people have dealt with the same situation somehow makes me me feel better, and tells me I'm not crazy and over reacting. Just got the keys to my own place. I feel somewhat better and plan to do some self reflection. I hope to see it coming in the future and to be better prepared.
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Originally Posted by penny9175 
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so tough when you know how great a person can be when they aren't using - distancing yourself or cutting them off is so hard. It's like a death and it sucks. I'm not sure if anything I say can help, but just know that I read your whole story and my heart aches for you.
Loving a addicted person is much harder. It is like a slow torturous death that can go on for years.
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Originally Posted by mark65
A death is easier because it is final. You grieve, bury them then move on.
Loving a addicted person is much harder. It is like a slow torturous death that can go on for years.
Loving a addicted person is much harder. It is like a slow torturous death that can go on for years.
I'll vouch for the former.
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