allthatsgood

Anger-Fear-Grief-acceptance......I thought I was in good place.i had experienced all these emotions and was working through them, or so I thought. Now with my son's recent relapse and current attempt at recovery(?) I feel like I'm back to square one. But then I wonder if I really worked through all those feelings or if I just buried them by distracting myself with work and other activities. Has any one gone through this and if so how did you handle it? Thank you.

Chino

I asked my therapist the same question and he said it's very normal.

hopeful4

I too think it is quite normal, because the behavior changes in waves. Use..clean...flounder...rinse...repeat. In the mean time we are still hoping something will change, that the cycle will stop. It can, but they have to be the one to break it.

So yes, I believe I have went through the stages and go back and forth all the time.

Hugs.

BlueChair

My situation is different, but I gave a lot of thought about his past addiction before we married. (it ended several years before we even met). All the things he told me happened, how he felt, what he went through because of it, things his parents told me. I knew he might relapse one day and I accepted it as part of him, and knew we would handle it IF it happened someday. I feel like I had acceptance

But until it happens you dont know what it will look like, or feel like. All the emotions, questions, different insights, fears. I went to my counseling appointment last night, and she told me its normal to have all these conflicting feelings, and to try not to push them down. Then she also told me she can tell I think a lot, and gave me permission to take a thinking vacation from time to time.

My mothe-in-law, she lost her footing in this relapse too. She was sort of swinging wildly with her emotions for a while. Im not criticizing her at all !! I bring it up because I think its normal for all the feelings to come back, especially for moms.

How did you go about working through the feelings to get to acceptance? What did acceptance look like when you got there?

allthatsgood

How did you go about working through the feelings to get to acceptance? What did acceptance look like when you got there?[/QUOTE]

Blue chair, that's a tough question! I don't think I got to the acceptance stage willingly. It was sort of forced on me as a direct result of the circumstances with my son. Let me explain. Two detoxes, IOP, suboxone treatment, two different rehabs in a matter of 3 months. I guess in my mind there was no other choice but to accept that things were the way they were. My son was an addict and his chances of finding long term recovery were probably not good. But then, he went to a sober house and was clean for at least a year maybe a little longer until this past fall. However, I didn't find out about it until before Christmas. Like your mother-in-law, it knocked me off my feet. As times goes by, I'm finding out more and more about addiction and I really don't want to! He arranged himself to go to detox, rehab and get himself back into the sober house. It's just this time around, I'm worse off mentally and physically.

allthatsgood

In the mean time we are still hoping something will change

Hopeful4 - maybe this is my problem....hoping something will change but permanently and in a good way.

LifeRecovery

I cycled a lot....I think I have read that they think of it as the grief cycle for just that reason.

I did bargaining, anger and depression on multiple occasions. Each time hit a different layer/stage. I have hit acceptance on some things or aspects. For me it is less about feeling and more about it is not something I hyperfocus on all the time. I am cycling back through in the big picture on something with anger.

I did a grief recovery book that was really helpful for me to see that I was "reacting/feeling" toward the immediate situation, but it also was triggering old and painful memories of childhood/times past. I had to work through the present and the past to get to acceptance.

BlueChair

Blue chair, that's a tough question! I don't think I got to the acceptance stage willingly. It was sort of forced on me as a direct result of the circumstances with my son. Let me explain. Two detoxes, IOP, suboxone treatment, two different rehabs in a matter of 3 months. I guess in my mind there was no other choice but to accept that things were the way they were. My son was an addict and his chances of finding long term recovery were probably not good. But then, he went to a sober house and was clean for at least a year maybe a little longer until this past fall. However, I didn't find out about it until before Christmas. Like your mother-in-law, it knocked me off my feet. As times goes by, I'm finding out more and more about addiction and I really don't want to! He arranged himself to go to detox, rehab and get himself back into the sober house. It's just this time around, I'm worse off mentally and physically.[/QUOTE]

Im sorry for all you and your son have been through. My in-laws have been through alot too. They helped him the first time around and it had been about 8 years so I dont think they expected this to happen. I remember when I first knew something was wrong with my husband was when he didnt come home one night. I called them and everyone trying to find him because he wasnt answering his phone and that wasnt like him. At first I think they couldnt wrap their mind around it being possible he relapsed, it wasnt something I thought about. I was afraid he had an accident or something. Then when it happened the next time and he was missing for days they knew. It was hard for me to comprehend the relapse because I never saw him in active addiction, but they completely switched gears and knew what to do. His dad was like a rock his mom I know tried hard to be strong but she was tearing up inside with worry. She finally seemed to settle down after he was in rehab and she did some counseling with one of the doctors there. I have a lot of respect for his parents, I wouldnt have know how to handle the relapse without their knowledge and guidance but I know it drained them both. Its hard for me right now because my husband isnt speaking to them, they didnt do anything, but he says he cant handle the emotions inside himself its too intense. I hope it changes soon because theyve always had a good relationship. I talk to both of them a little, and had lunch with his mom one day, but I dont want to get caught in the middle it would be a no win for me.

Im happy you posted, sometimes it helps to put your feelings out there and acknowledge them.

FireSprite

I think this is the biggest reason that I cycle through the stages. Every time I learn more - either intellectually (like reading, SR, etc.) or emotionally (because "more was revealed") it becomes new information to work through. So having worked through the stages before doesn't necessarily help me now.

The benefit I have noticed though, is that I tend to work the stages a bit more quickly each time I find myself cycling - I guess I have a greater understanding of them as time goes on, it's not as "new" as it was the first time so I don't get as mired in the process.

Neagrm

It is normal, like you say. Everyday is a new one and even if it seems there's nothing new, we're always taking in the next moment, the next thing that comes along, the next business to take care of, etc. Our bodies are always changing, too, and that affects the mix. We will always have something we need to process again and again, new material and old material from a new perspective.