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coming to the realization the we contributed to the insanity..and owning our part.



coming to the realization the we contributed to the insanity..and owning our part.

Old 02-21-2014, 08:55 AM
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coming to the realization the we contributed to the insanity..and owning our part.

I have been reading and posting on this board for quite awhile...taking in a lot from the really knowledgeable people on this forum, working on me and trying to learn from the situation that I have been in.

For a long time I was so wrapped up in my anger at my XRAH and how HE hurt ME that I was never able to own my part (and we always have a part) in the whole thing. I have been bitter and angry and carrying that around like a medal. Being the martyr was what I was modeled in my childhood. My mother can out martyr the best of them. Bless her for raising 6 kids alone after my dad left and was never heard from again when I was 2..but she wore that like a medal. Suffered in silence but made sure everyone knew it. And I learned well.....

When things did not go the way I wanted in my marriage I "suffered in silence" ...punished by not speaking to him or making it obvious I was not happy but not saying I was unhappy. I mean how many times did I have to suffer this crap from his alcoholism ??!! Poor me, look what a great wife I am and how horrible he is. Silence, slamming doors and turning my back were common in our home.

When he finally went into his program after I moved out, sure I agreed to work things out. He came over every night and we did the same thing we always did..the only way we knew to be around each other. We sat there night after night and didn't say a word to each other. Then he would get up and go back to our home and I would be relieved. ....and pissed!! again??!! hes going to sit there and not say anything after everything he has done??!! months of this....we just continued our same sick relationship just in separate houses. I loved him, I just didn't know any other way to communicate. and neither did he. No surprise that he turned to someone else and started another relationship to get what he needed. NOT OK, Im not saying that was ok at all but what did I expect? and then I had my "thing"...my thing I could hold over his head and say SEE??!! look what YOU did to ME!!

the last few months I have been looking at why I handle things the way I do, why I react to situations they way I do...and what my part was in all of this.

last week when we were going back and forth regarding finances and he was getting so ugly and making personal attacks...I finally just asked him, What did I do to make you so ugly to me? For you to have so much animosity towards me? I really wanted to know.....

And it just must have been the right time because instead of the usual attacks he was finally honest and said he thinks its because I waited to tell him how I really felt about him until it was to late. Hes referring to the fact that he couldn't get a reaction out of me until I found out about this other person. I don't know about his feelings or if he is looking for ego strokes or what and it didn't really matter ...I just finally said what I felt I needed to say for me. I told him I was sorry that anything I did hurt him, because I did do things that were hurtful. I didn't handle his getting sober in the best way..I just had had it and acted as if I really didn't care. Right before he got sober his best friend died...driving drunk. By that point we were so bad off and I was getting ready to leave and I was not there for him. He has always said that I bailed on him when he needed me. His drinking got worse and I just didn't have it in me to deal with it anymore. But I apologized for not being there when he needed me and that I hoped he could be happy and know that I never did anything to hurt him on purpose..that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time.

I did it and didn't expect any "Im sorry to" in return...I did it for me to know that I have made my amends for my part and not carry that around with me anymore. The second I did it I felt a huge weight lift, exactly what all my Alanon people always would say in meetings when you let it go. I felt "happy" for the first time in a long time. He didn't respond and it didn't matter. I said what I needed to say and I didn't feel that we had to have a discussion about it. (That is a FIRST...trust me)

I think Ive finally started to dig my self out of all this anger and holding on to this hurt like its my life preserver. I have had my old energy back since...the past 2 days Ive been getting up and doing things that I have been just letting go and I feel ........better. I feel lighter.

this must be what letting go feels like......
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Old 02-21-2014, 09:04 AM
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Great post. This is about where I am in my recovery. I was also very well-schooled in playing the victim, never taking responsibility for my part in any of the bad stuff.
Now that I'm learning to do that, it's a huge weight off, and I've been able to work through a lot of anger. I thought it was anger at others, but a lot of it was actually at myself. I guess now it's the time to work on forgiveness too.
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Old 02-21-2014, 09:04 AM
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Great post, thank you for sharing!
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Old 02-21-2014, 09:09 AM
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hmmm....yeah, that forgiveness thing has been hard for me to understand. Im working on understanding that its not saying that you agree with what was done that you are forgiving...but just saying that you are letting it go and not going to hold on to it anymore.

that's a hard one for me...but Im getting there
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Old 02-21-2014, 09:40 AM
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Maybe your leaving at a time when he needed you most was actually good (Gods) timing...your leaving was a consequence for him and like you said doing the best you had with what you had. And you have both grown from that horrible part of hour lives. Glad for you!
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Old 02-21-2014, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by formyboys View Post
hmmm....yeah, that forgiveness thing has been hard for me to understand. Im working on understanding that its not saying that you agree with what was done that you are forgiving...but just saying that you are letting it go and not going to hold on to it anymore.

that's a hard one for me...but Im getting there
I struggled with forgiveness for a long time. (still do here & there)

It's hard not to think that by forgiving you are somehow accepting that what was done is OK. But it really isn't that at all. Everytime we hold onto forgiveness it's like keeping a wound open & festering so we remember the pain... but it also keeps that scar tissue from healing over it & makes sure we'll never be free from the pain... and eventually our ripping off that top layer & keeping that pain close to the surface hurts waaaaayyyyy more than the cut that created the wound in the 1st place. And we realize we're the only ones hurting from it.... the other person has no clue how much anger or pain we are holding onto.

Tricky, tricky stuff.

It sounds like you are making wonderful strides in your recovery!!!!
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:20 AM
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Great, great post, formyboys! I was recently reading some journal entries from a year or so ago and I see how my own thinking has changed in a lot of the same areas you mention. And it IS such a huge weight off your shoulders, isn't it? Such a wonderful feeling of freedom.

You've just had a growth spurt, I believe! Thanks so much for sharing. Your post did me a lot of good today. I think there was a member on another thread who was looking for "hope." I hope she finds her way to this one.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:34 AM
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formyboys, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It wasn't until my daughter told me that so much of the time in marriage with my x I definitely acted very passive aggressive and when she told me that it was the first time I actually took a good look at my part in the relationship. One of the most freeing moments is when I went to my x and ask him to forgive me for all the awful things I said and did to him. It finally sunk in that I wasn't saint fedup3 and he wasn't satan x. Self realization is really understated!
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Old 02-21-2014, 12:50 PM
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formyboys...your post has spoken to me loudly. Where did you find this insight? Was it Al-Anon? Have you read any books that have helped you? Just curious. I just don't feel comfortable in the Al-Anon group that I'm in. I just turned 40 and each of the women in this group are in their late 50s or early 60s. They claim that the only thing keeping them married is finances. And the hold this broken marriage has on me is not about money. It's about control. It's about co-dependency. If I let go and I get divorced, I lose control of him. I will no longer be able to drag him out of the bars and police him...and mother him. And it's like you said, carrying around the anger and bitterness like it's some kind of medal of long-suffering. I had the exact same type of mother you had. I loved her dearly, but she did more to destroy us emotionally than the our father who left us. I truly believe that. Blessings to you and thank you so much for sharing.
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Old 02-21-2014, 12:57 PM
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For me the biggest breakthrough was realizing that if there wasn't something off in me, I wouldn't have willingly entered into and held on to a dysfunctional relationship for so long. It was the beginning of managing my ****. Dealing with *my* ****. Owning up to and taking care of *my* ****.

For a long time, I think dealing with his misery was a way of procrastinating on my own misery.

In hindsight, I began to see all of the unacceptable ways he behaved towards me, and all of the crazy behavior I had in the relationship, including controlling, yelling, manipulating, choosing helplessness and blindness over sight and empowerment. I was not able, however, to really take stock of my role until after he was out of the house. Even when I interact with him now, it can be difficult to stay detached and not villainize or romanticize him.
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Old 02-21-2014, 01:29 PM
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Thank you for this post. It's so hard to admit our part in it - but it MUST be done to really begin to heal ourselves and grow as human beings, in my opinion.

I had this realization earlier this week and decided to sit down with my ABF and actually ask him those tough questions. And listen. Not interrupt. Not react. Not roll my eyes. Just remember that this is how HE sees things - and I realized that they are VASTLY different than my view of things...and as for "reality", well, that's just perception.

I also realize that his perception of his drinking can be disproven with actual facts, but it wasn't the time to go there. I wanted to know how HE felt and what HE thought. Now I know, and I can feel good that we both have spoken and been heard. Do I think it's going to work out? Not with us both in the same house, no. And that's OK.

It'll be tough and he still may decide that if I don't life WITH him that we're NOT together anymore - and that's OK, too.

Thank you again.
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Old 02-21-2014, 02:57 PM
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I've been thinking about my role in it all lately too - things I could have handled differently and things like that....such as not being afraid of voicing my concerns and being a bit more encouraging when he mentioned going back to AA after a year away. It's tricky...on the one hand I feel yes I could have been different and I have pangs of guilt but on the other hand I was fighting his addiction with little knowledge at the time and doing what I thought best, especially towards the end of our relationship when I was very detached from a lot of his behaviours (him missing work with hangovers, him being sick, him forever saying he was stopping etc etc) and maybe came off as uncaring? At the time I was trying to protect myself I guess and him being an angry, abusive 'stranger' made it easier.
I have learnt an awful lot and maybe one day I will be able to apologise to him but I'm still licking my own wounds and working on fixing me.
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Old 02-21-2014, 03:34 PM
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Thank you so much for posting this… It was very timely for me… I am happy for you!! It's the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.. You found it!
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:34 PM
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Wonderful post! Anytime a resentment pops up I ask myself: "What's my part in this?" The fastest way to let resentments go is to own my own character defects.
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:16 AM
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Thanks for all the encouragement guys!! I was worried that I would get some negative feedback, not sure if you guys would see or understand where I was coming from,....I should have known better

Lostmyway, Im not sure it was one book (as I have read many many of them) but Courage to Change has been my go to. I also felt not 100% comfortable at my alanon meetings. I went regularly for over a year and sat threw every meeting so resentful that I was there, I only shared briefly one time and cried through every single one. But I still believe they are helpful and we need them. It would be hell to go through what we go through if there were no Alanon or this forum for that matter. There is a great Alanon group on FB that is a private group and Im a member of that also.

It took 2 years of long suffering and putting myself through hell over and over again to get to this place and I don't by any means think Im there yet...but yes kval64...I think in the distance I can see that proverbial light!! thank you for that comment. I brought tears to my eyes.

I miss him. That man I married, who I had such hopes and dreams with. Excepting the situation meant I had to except it was over and I fought that tooth and nail. We had been through so much together in our almost 20 years why couldn't we make it through this?? well honestly we hadn't been through a lot TOGETHER, we suffered through it. Neither one of use deserves to spend out lives that way but there are time I wish we could go back to that fork in the road and just make a different choice......don't we all.

It still hurts and I will probably always have a place that will be him...you know that moment when you remember some feeling or what ever that is and you think oh yeah....there he is. but I am just tired of the anger and feeling like Im carrying this huge cross through my life.

I use to think "omg shut up" when people would talk about how freeing it is and how they felt this load lift....I wanted that so much and would beg God to give me that feeling...please show me how to let this go!!! No one can tell you how, it just happens when your ready I guess. It wasn't some lightning bolt or huge realization......it was very quite and kind of snuck up on me. And im smiling as I write this cus all the times I posted my crazy on here and you were all so patient with me and Dandylion you were always so understanding and caring. That's what allowed me to get to this point. The gentle support and the just knowing that you guys were there.

Thank you tyou

I still have a LONG way to go...but my pack doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:59 AM
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formyboys---you have made remarkable progress!

I remember that there was someone, here, on SR, who had the byline: "There can never be illumination without some pain.". That saying sticks with me.

It sounds like you have finally found the path out of the forest.....

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Old 02-22-2014, 05:50 AM
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Well, I'm going to blame this on my PMS and all, but your post made me cry. I saw my marriage right there in your words, spelled out at every turn. As I work my Al Anon program, I have seen where I was a martyr, too. I didn't even know I was doing it, I was just following my AH's lead. I have many times heard my AH's complaints against me and I have apologized over and over. Yet, I'm still feeling the animosity, the disconnect, and the mistrust.

I spoke with a friend a few days ago about how she knew when it was truly time to separate from her own AH. She claimed she had perfect peace. I told her I wanted that. She said she cried and screamed about NOT having perfect peace for nearly a year, though, before it happened for her. She'd call her sponsor up and be angry that 'it's not happening for me, I'm not at peace. I'm angry and pissed off and tired, just so tired.' That is how I feel right now. She gave me a shoulder to cry on but also gave me hope. And, so do you, formyboys! Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us! HUGS!
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Old 02-22-2014, 05:54 AM
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I recognised that it was my 'need to be needed' that drew my to my AXH, and by mothering him I allowed his behaviour. I stuck it out for 12 years, when realistically I ought to have called it a day much sooner, what was happening wasn't doing either of us any good, and had we separated sooner he may have found a reason to stop drinking. I still struggle with anger that I wasn't enough reason for him to get help to stop, but ultimately he chose his way of living, and I chose to stay as long as I did.
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