Help Me Help Him

Old 02-20-2014, 06:18 AM
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Help Me Help Him

I have been married for around 8 months now with a 1 month separation in September. My husband and I have had problems since he moved in a couple years ago, but it wasn't until 2 months after the wedding that I found out he had an opiate addiction. I struggle to cope with it. I'm completely overwhelmed with the issues this addiction causes our family. I feel continuously heartbroken and deceived. The addiction started before I even met him which almost hurts worst. I don't know if his temper and violence stem from the substance abuse or if it's just who he is. I don't know because I didn't know my husband when I married him. After our separation in September we agreed to come back together with a clean slate. He was clean and felt better than ever and I had summoned the courage to forgive him for the mistakes he made in the past. He started back on the pills shortly after we got back together. I was completely fooled by his kindness and understanding when we started fresh with a "clean slate." But I knew something was going wrong because the aggression was getting worse week by week. I started snooping and found remnants of crushed up pills throughout the house. It broke my heart into pieces, but I agreed to stay with him as I had finally been able to forgive him and love him regardless. He gets clean for a short period and goes right back to it. I'm constantly deceived and it's causing a great deal of stress. I want to be there for him, but I don't know how to set my emotions aside in order to help in the best way possible. We have 2 children living with us in the household and he has a stepdaughter who visits every other weekend, I feel like a horrible mother for allowing them to be exposed to this. I am a full time college student working part time (2 days a week) and am still responsible for my half of the bills as well as all of the groceries. I'm completely run down and exhausted. I never truly comprehended the term "overwhelmed" until this happened. How do I drop my own feelings to take care of his? How can I give him unconditional positive regard? Please help me. I feel like a total failure as a wife because I can't manage to keep my emotions in check.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:37 AM
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Hi Overmyhead and welcome to our the forum. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Please know you are NOT a total failure and none of this is YOUR fault. You are also not a bad mother. Drugs change our loved ones (as you have witnessed) and when in full addict mode, they will do anything to hide it from us. I am worried especially though about his aggressiveness getting worse. This is not a good sign. I am worried this will escalate and yes I am worried about the children involved.

First off, do you have any family at all who could help you or you could go to if this situation needs to change immediately? Have you tried to talk with anyone regarding his drug use? Having children I know it may difficult to get out but have you tried attending any nar anon or al anon meetings? Sometimes you can find them online if you are not able to attend. These could help you immensely and also help you understand how addiction affects not only the addict but everyone around him and what you can do to help yourself. How about a counselor or therapist? I know some colleges have counselors and you might be able to find one there to speak with. I would urge you to find help as soon as possible in case your H becomes much worse which could very well happen.
My loved one is my son so my situation is different from yours and I am sure there will be others along shortly who are in the same boat as you who may be able to offer better advice.
Here we try to put the focus on ourselves and what we can do to make our own lives easier because of all the chaos the addicted loved one causes. We learn we cannot control what our addicted love one does no matter how hard we try. The only thing we can control is our own decisions and how we choose to deal with any issues arising from the addiction. So my advice would be first and foremost please do NOT drop your
own feelings to take care of his because honestly you cannot. Look at how you feel now! This will not change as long as he is in full mode addiction.You are running on empty and it will only get worse. Your focus right now needs to be on your children and what is best for you. Unless your H wants help and is willing to work hard to get recovery nothing will change.
Have you discussed his getting help or going to rehab? My son is similar to your H. He stays clean then slips, goes back to being clean then slips again. They have to work really hard at recovery which includes many meetings, possible rehab, therapy, etc. they cannot do it on their own. It is a horrible thing to deal with, especially the lying and deceit. It is not your job to help him get clean. He needs to make this decision on his own and really truly want to. We cannot make them do it (I wish we could!).
Please check out the stickies we have above in the forum. They are extremely helpful! I also suggest you read the book Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. It has helped many of us here. I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back.
Hugs.
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Old 02-22-2014, 05:21 AM
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I'm sorry you are hurting.
It sounds like you are at the end of your rope with this.
I suggest you read the stickys at the top of the page because
you really can't drop your feelings to fix his and have it work.
He has to want to help himself, and you have every right to protect yourself
from his abuse and his addiction. You can't love him well.

When you say "violence and abuse" what are talking about specifically?
You say there are 2 children in the house--
I grew up in a house of an addict (alcoholic)
Violence and abuse meant fighting and yelling, broken dishes, verbal abuse, and it got worse over time.
This caused me a great of harm as child and later as an adult.
I don't want you to make you feel bad, but this really is worrying.

Maybe the thread should be called "Help me help them" since the children (and yourself) really should be the focus here--what do all of you need to feel safe?
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Old 02-22-2014, 08:36 AM
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Well said Hawkeye. Focus on the innocent-if you can help the addict but focus on the ones who didn't ask to be put in this situation and protect them from this lifestyle.
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Old 02-22-2014, 09:47 AM
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I don't know because I didn't know my husband when I married him.

what??? with such a short marriage already including a separation, drug abuse, violence....and that you didn't KNOW him when you got married...it might be best just to end/annul the thing and move on?
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