Lost my zen...sliding back into the pit of despair.
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Location: The Pit of Despair
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Lost my zen...sliding back into the pit of despair.
I did so well for what, two days? Half a day?
Its crept up on me today, slowly. I didn't cry at all today over him. Not once. I was feeling strong. Don't feel like crying now, not yet I don't think. And then it began raining. Rain was our special thing, you see, and we somehow always ended up outside in the rain. And silly us, we would have margaritas if it rained...every time. I would have one and he'd have the rest of the whole bottle. So the rain came, odd for Feb, and with it thunder. Triggered more memories. The kids are asleep, house is quiet, and I have been fighting it for hours, the creeping in of the despair, and now with the rain I am sitting here fighting remembering things I should not be remembering. Walking back from the kitchen it hit me like a wall, this memory of him, how he felt when it rained, and suddenly there I was, standing stock still in the middle of the hallway, bagel in hand, unable to move. Suddenly, all of it was right there, in a huge wave, the absence of him for the first time since I have known him while it has rained. I fed my bagel to my German shepherd, appetite lost. Now I am sitting here, wanting him next to me so badly, even as I know how messed up/scary/dysfunctional/etc that would be. Its like this huge pull towards him and I know I KNOW this is my CHOICE, this is the path I CHOSE and its the RIGHT THING, and yet, ugh, I miss him so badly. I don't even know why, because he would probably be ranting or pacing or throwing things and calling me bitch and worse by this hour of the night, least that is how it was the last several months.
I have asked everyone, most of all myself, why why why, why is he this way, how can he not value me, our love, etc. I am starting to understand alcoholism finally, learning a lot, its helping, but still, I don't understand enough. Maybe because I have never been an addict, or had any first hand experience with one til him. I thought I might find some insight by reading some of the posts in the alcoholics forum on here. It didn't, it made it worse, it made me angrier, and sadder, and more confused. Its all so senseless. Its so tragic, that so many get this way, so many people are going through the same ugly ****. The answers I am looking for, why is HE this way, what exactly is going on inside of him, that makes him drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that he wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even himself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind.
I feel like there is this huge gaping wound in my chest where my heart was, and it feels like it could not ever possibly heal. I feel all broken and useless, like I am a little teapot that someone dropped and shattered but then glued back together. All the hot tea is seeping out through the freshly glued cracks and soon its going to just crumble back into a pile of broken shards on the floor. I don't want to hurt this way anymore. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that I had to make such a choice. I hate that its a part of me, my history, in my head at all. When is someone going to invent that technology they had in that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind???
Its crept up on me today, slowly. I didn't cry at all today over him. Not once. I was feeling strong. Don't feel like crying now, not yet I don't think. And then it began raining. Rain was our special thing, you see, and we somehow always ended up outside in the rain. And silly us, we would have margaritas if it rained...every time. I would have one and he'd have the rest of the whole bottle. So the rain came, odd for Feb, and with it thunder. Triggered more memories. The kids are asleep, house is quiet, and I have been fighting it for hours, the creeping in of the despair, and now with the rain I am sitting here fighting remembering things I should not be remembering. Walking back from the kitchen it hit me like a wall, this memory of him, how he felt when it rained, and suddenly there I was, standing stock still in the middle of the hallway, bagel in hand, unable to move. Suddenly, all of it was right there, in a huge wave, the absence of him for the first time since I have known him while it has rained. I fed my bagel to my German shepherd, appetite lost. Now I am sitting here, wanting him next to me so badly, even as I know how messed up/scary/dysfunctional/etc that would be. Its like this huge pull towards him and I know I KNOW this is my CHOICE, this is the path I CHOSE and its the RIGHT THING, and yet, ugh, I miss him so badly. I don't even know why, because he would probably be ranting or pacing or throwing things and calling me bitch and worse by this hour of the night, least that is how it was the last several months.
I have asked everyone, most of all myself, why why why, why is he this way, how can he not value me, our love, etc. I am starting to understand alcoholism finally, learning a lot, its helping, but still, I don't understand enough. Maybe because I have never been an addict, or had any first hand experience with one til him. I thought I might find some insight by reading some of the posts in the alcoholics forum on here. It didn't, it made it worse, it made me angrier, and sadder, and more confused. Its all so senseless. Its so tragic, that so many get this way, so many people are going through the same ugly ****. The answers I am looking for, why is HE this way, what exactly is going on inside of him, that makes him drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that he wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even himself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind.
I feel like there is this huge gaping wound in my chest where my heart was, and it feels like it could not ever possibly heal. I feel all broken and useless, like I am a little teapot that someone dropped and shattered but then glued back together. All the hot tea is seeping out through the freshly glued cracks and soon its going to just crumble back into a pile of broken shards on the floor. I don't want to hurt this way anymore. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that I had to make such a choice. I hate that its a part of me, my history, in my head at all. When is someone going to invent that technology they had in that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind???
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Hi Ofelie,
I'm so sorry you're feeling so blue. I'm really concerned for you. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to?
I am by no means completely recovered but I when I was in the depths of my depression I realized that constantly asking why the person was they way they were did me absolutely no good. It kept me stuck. What will happen if you never get the answer? You really might not get a satisfactory answer. People are complex and so the reasons they engage in certain behaviors are also complex. He probably doesn't even know why, humans are largely a mystery onto themselves. Please don't turn yourself inside out ruminating on this.
You are loved, that is certain. Maybe not by the person you want to love you, but you are loved and loveable. Try to focus on those in your life that love you. Please take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so blue. I'm really concerned for you. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to?
I am by no means completely recovered but I when I was in the depths of my depression I realized that constantly asking why the person was they way they were did me absolutely no good. It kept me stuck. What will happen if you never get the answer? You really might not get a satisfactory answer. People are complex and so the reasons they engage in certain behaviors are also complex. He probably doesn't even know why, humans are largely a mystery onto themselves. Please don't turn yourself inside out ruminating on this.
You are loved, that is certain. Maybe not by the person you want to love you, but you are loved and loveable. Try to focus on those in your life that love you. Please take care of yourself.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Ofelie, it had to hit some time, so go with the flow because you'll feel much brighter in the morning. Glad you posted.
Technology won't save you this time (unless you count the internet) but time will, and so will the lack of crazy in your day-to-day life.
Technology won't save you this time (unless you count the internet) but time will, and so will the lack of crazy in your day-to-day life.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I know you miss the person you thought he was. I know that pain in your stomach because of it...I think we have all felt it at least once in our lives.
Remember..."emotional pain will not kill me"! I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry! Time really does help, and distracting yourself for a while when it gets really bad can work wonders!
Remember..."emotional pain will not kill me"! I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry! Time really does help, and distracting yourself for a while when it gets really bad can work wonders!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Your ex? He doesn't have the market cornered on rain storms and thunder. Some of those memories are yours and for you alone.
My ex used to make me a cocktail on a snowy day. A good, hard snow was an excuse to drink and settle in. I can make new memories -- today a good hard snow is an excuse to lay around with a cup of hot tea and a cat in my lap. It's a movie day with my kids. It's not a time to tie one on.
It's true! It won't! Just feel the feelings, grieve, don't fight them. They will pass through, just like the rain.
Know how to end a bad day? Go to bed, get a good night's sleep, and start again tomorrow.
My ex used to make me a cocktail on a snowy day. A good, hard snow was an excuse to drink and settle in. I can make new memories -- today a good hard snow is an excuse to lay around with a cup of hot tea and a cat in my lap. It's a movie day with my kids. It's not a time to tie one on.
"emotional pain will not kill me"
Know how to end a bad day? Go to bed, get a good night's sleep, and start again tomorrow.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Ofelie 
When is someone going to invent that technology they had in that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind???
As far as killing off brain cells to reduce / remove pain . . . sort of what A's tend to do, anyway?
For the rest of us . . . there is always crayon lobotomy
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I felt the same exact way you did yesterday! Some days are just harder than others. My friends and family keep telling me that time will heal so that is what I am going to tell you. I'm putting all my faith and hope into that! We DO deserve better.....and like you, I try to wrap my hands around this awful disease, but I can't. No matter how much I read and learn, I simply need to just "LET GO."
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Ofelie, ((((hugs))))
I think pretty much all of us have been where you are. It hurts, bad, but it will fade. I had that big hole that I used to fill with my AW and when I left it felt like I had something ripped out. What helped me was to start filling that hole with me, not her. I had to learn to love myself, something that I don't think I had ever done in my life. The other thing I learned is that those feelings were just that, feelings. Feelings aren't facts. What I was missing was an illusion. I learned that while I may have those feelings I don't have to feed them. When feelings or memories pop up I have a choice. I can either grab it, hang on and spiral downward or I can say, yep, I miss her and then move on with what ever it was I was doing. In your example, take a bite of the bagel and really taste it, pay attention to the flavor and texture, savor it. Bring yourself back into the now. The bagel is real, the memory is just a memory.
Your friend,
I think pretty much all of us have been where you are. It hurts, bad, but it will fade. I had that big hole that I used to fill with my AW and when I left it felt like I had something ripped out. What helped me was to start filling that hole with me, not her. I had to learn to love myself, something that I don't think I had ever done in my life. The other thing I learned is that those feelings were just that, feelings. Feelings aren't facts. What I was missing was an illusion. I learned that while I may have those feelings I don't have to feed them. When feelings or memories pop up I have a choice. I can either grab it, hang on and spiral downward or I can say, yep, I miss her and then move on with what ever it was I was doing. In your example, take a bite of the bagel and really taste it, pay attention to the flavor and texture, savor it. Bring yourself back into the now. The bagel is real, the memory is just a memory.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Rain, snow (well, not so much in Texas), sunshine, hurricane, drought, heatwave, daytime, nighttime, morning, noon, evening, working, vacation, happy or crisis - those were the times my AH decided to have a cocktail (the entire bottle) or beer (usually a 24 pack).
The good time? Were there any? How could there be? He was inebriated the entire time. So even my illusions of "good times" were not.
The good time? Were there any? How could there be? He was inebriated the entire time. So even my illusions of "good times" were not.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by m1k3
When feelings or memories pop up I have a choice. I can either grab it, hang on and spiral downward or I can say, yep, I miss her and then move on with what ever it was I was doing. In your example, take a bite of the bagel and really taste it, pay attention to the flavor and texture, savor it. Bring yourself back into the now. The bagel is real, the memory is just a memory.
Ofelie, this is me in early recovery ----->
AFor like, 9 months. Maybe longer. The only thing that varied was the speed of my teetering (or would it be tottering? lol). Hang in there!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'm sorry, Ofelie 
Grief has a way of sneaking up on us, especially in the quiet. It's such a difficult balance between allowing ourselves to feel the pain in order to work through it, and allowing the pain to swallow up everything good and right in our world. I'm still in the thick of it myself. Some days, I feel good and my resolve is strong. Other days (and especially nights), I'm overcome by the grief. I just have to take it one day, one minute at a time. If I look too far forward, the fear paralyzes me. If I glance back for too long, the pain and guilt cripples me. One day at a time. That's my mantra.
Grief has a way of sneaking up on us, especially in the quiet. It's such a difficult balance between allowing ourselves to feel the pain in order to work through it, and allowing the pain to swallow up everything good and right in our world. I'm still in the thick of it myself. Some days, I feel good and my resolve is strong. Other days (and especially nights), I'm overcome by the grief. I just have to take it one day, one minute at a time. If I look too far forward, the fear paralyzes me. If I glance back for too long, the pain and guilt cripples me. One day at a time. That's my mantra.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Woke up this morning numb again, not really sad, not really anything. Yup, its the teeter totter, back and forth, back and forth, up and down. I hope I was not misunderstood in my post. It was not the margaritas in the rain I missed. It was his company, him. Sitting with him on the deck, having hours long talks. It was the memories of the physical stuff, etc. that I missed last night. But that fun guy is gone and morphed into the sick addicted donkeyhole (or the addicted donkeyhole's true nature just broke through the fake fun guy, whatever) and THAT is where my grief lies. I woke up with the thought again at the forefront of my mind that the man still has not once apologized or acknowledged his drinking and behavior. Which is what I keep saying really glues it all together for me. He doesn't acknowledge it, so either he is in denial and doesn't think it happened...very scary...or he knows and blames me...scary...or he doesn't care that he acts that way....scariest.
That big gaping wound is still there, of course. I am just back to being resigned to it. Like I said, it goes in waves. Sometimes the wave nearly takes me under, but doesn't ever quite manage to do it. I am mourning, and some days are filled with anger, some with numbness, some with sadness. I do NOT actually want him back, its clear to me that it is not feasible on my part. Were he to get help, get clean, get meds, etc, I personally could not ever get past the things he has done, nor could I ever trust him to stay clean and stay on meds. I have accepted that. I don't like it but I accepted it. I think this acceptance, the fact that I made it a simple fact...that I CANNOT be with him because he is this way...is the core reason I am even able to get through this at all. I am a practical person, and if I can't do it, I just can't and so he had to go. But it still hurts something fierce. Such a big fat let down, such a huge disappointment, such a tragic ending to what was supposed to be supposed to be my happily ever after. Life goes on...one minute at a time I guess. For every two or steps I take away from him and his chaos, sometimes I slip and take a step back. Like climbing a mountain. Sometimes you go straight up cuz all the perfect handholds and footholds are right in your path...then sometimes you have to creep sideways or even backtrack a bit til you find a good foothold...and sometimes you get a foothold and it crumbles so you slip down a few feet til you find another. All the while you are still steadily working towards the top.
That big gaping wound is still there, of course. I am just back to being resigned to it. Like I said, it goes in waves. Sometimes the wave nearly takes me under, but doesn't ever quite manage to do it. I am mourning, and some days are filled with anger, some with numbness, some with sadness. I do NOT actually want him back, its clear to me that it is not feasible on my part. Were he to get help, get clean, get meds, etc, I personally could not ever get past the things he has done, nor could I ever trust him to stay clean and stay on meds. I have accepted that. I don't like it but I accepted it. I think this acceptance, the fact that I made it a simple fact...that I CANNOT be with him because he is this way...is the core reason I am even able to get through this at all. I am a practical person, and if I can't do it, I just can't and so he had to go. But it still hurts something fierce. Such a big fat let down, such a huge disappointment, such a tragic ending to what was supposed to be supposed to be my happily ever after. Life goes on...one minute at a time I guess. For every two or steps I take away from him and his chaos, sometimes I slip and take a step back. Like climbing a mountain. Sometimes you go straight up cuz all the perfect handholds and footholds are right in your path...then sometimes you have to creep sideways or even backtrack a bit til you find a good foothold...and sometimes you get a foothold and it crumbles so you slip down a few feet til you find another. All the while you are still steadily working towards the top.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
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And one other thing. My 15 year old son just came in to tell me the coffee was done, and said like he says every day, "Its so much better now that he is gone, I don't feel like I have to stay in my room anymore because I didn't want to be around him." He's right. What I told him today in response was its like my ex's life is like a house on fire and for so long I was in it/part of it, burning along with him. Somehow I managed to get out of that house (hell I just basically opened the front door and walked out) and escaped the flames and now I have to just let it burn. Now I have to just stand and watch the inferno consume him. Its up to him to escape his own burning house and put out the flames. I am working on taking care of my own house, my own life, for me and my kids.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Now I have to just stand and watch the inferno consume him.
Your friend,
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 38
(((Hugs))) I'm right there with you, some days I drive myself mad with trying to understand. I don't think I will ever fully understand. I have to take every moment at a time. My hard parts are when I think about how much he just doesn't care, he still blames me for everything. He came and got the rest of his clothes from my house on Sunday and was telling me how much he despised me....I was dumbfounded. The only thing about that movie though, I may be wrong it's been so long since I watched it, but don't they meet again at the end?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
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Olefie, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I can feel your pain in every word you write. I've been right where you are now and I know how bad it feels. There's is light at the end of the tunnel though and you won't always feel like this. I promise it will eventually pass.
Please don't drive yourself crazy with "why". Knowing why wouldn't change anything, it will still be just what it is.
Btw, I'm so impressed with the way you're able to put your feelings into words, have you tried journaling your thoughts and emotions? It might help you feel better to get it all out on paper.
Hugs!
Please don't drive yourself crazy with "why". Knowing why wouldn't change anything, it will still be just what it is.
Btw, I'm so impressed with the way you're able to put your feelings into words, have you tried journaling your thoughts and emotions? It might help you feel better to get it all out on paper.
Hugs!
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