Ilya

Hello all. I'm on day 3. I've been feeling good for the most part, but at the same time very terrified.

That's because I have a major stressor generated from an outside source. Well, inside as well. I am suffering from PTSD related to my very abusive mother.

Twenty years of the same pattern of abuse (mental, emotional, physical) on a very regular basis, and being told that nothing I felt in reaction or relation to it was of much importance, if even real. Not much support other than an "I'm sorry you feel that way," from other family members.

One of my family members has moved very close to me recently. I moved here partly to escape my past and to try to hear my own voice. I had been doing very well, finally, after some time had passed since my mother was able to hunt me down and harass me via phone or email (I had to change all of my information three times and was not able to get a restraining order since we live in different states now. Unfortunately, I've read it's quite common).

With the arrival of this family member, my fears and anxieties have started to come back. I am having the dreams I'd have nightly back when I first cut off contact. The chasing and hitting and choking and then my rage coming out full force while trying to protect myself. And then being blamed and talked about, even arrested and charged. The dreams are really memories.

Now I have heard that my mother is coming to visit my relative, who lives very close to me.

I have stated to my relative that it would be a violation of me and my boundaries if my mother were invited to our neighborhood or was introduced or friendly with those I associate with here in my new home, my safe place.

Well I don't feel safe. My mother has a history of not respecting boundaries.

I feel very disturbed and anxious. I feel very frustrated that the old feelings have crept in.

When I first detached, she'd call 50 times a day, email, send letters. If we were in the same town or in eyeshot, she'd stare and stare at me.

I feel terrorized, mostly psychically, but my fears of her crossing physical boundaries are not irrational. Her abuse bled far into my adulthood before I cut her off entirely.

My family member said that my wishes would be respected. But I don't think she takes me very seriously and I don't trust that my boundaries will be respected.

This is why I am here, abstaining from alcohol for the first time in a very long time. I fear I will go to a very dangerous place because of these thoughts and feelings.

If anyone out there understands my position, I would not feel so alone and terrified. Thank you to anyone who knows or can just hear me now.

I

Dee74

Hi Illya

I can understand your anxiety feeling very real.
I can only hope that your relative respects your position as well as your mother.

I've not answered the door before, and I'd do it again under the same circumstances.
Whatever non harmful things it takes for you to feel safe.

Do you have support apart from us here? Counsellors or therapists? Drs?

I really don't want you to go into that dark and dangerous place
Noone here does.

I'm glad you're staying sober

D

BrendonM

Just remember that drinking won't make the pain go away, it might soften the blow for a few hours, but then you'll feel bad mentally and physically, and those tend to make each other worse.

Ilya

Hello thank you for responding. I am married and my spouse has witnessed some of the abuse.
I haven't seen a therapist in nearly a year. I was feeling really really well before this.

I certainly wouldn't answer the door, oh no!

But I can't help but feel invaded. Or like my pride is somehow damaged? Because it's so easy for her to swoop down and be charming, when I know she is a snake.

Even if I did not see her. If I so much as heard (it is a very provincial place), "Oh I met your mother! How nice!" I would spend the next week in tears. I have self mutilated in the past because of feeling mentally flooded by her as well.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you so much.

Raider

Prayers your way.

Pipping

I don't know if this is against the rules or if this will help but there is a forum called psychopath free that addresses issues to do with psychopathic/ narcissistic behaviour people experience from their parents. A good friend of mine had a Grandmother like this and her Mother wasn't as bad but very, very controlling. This forum helped her a lot but you will get loads of support here. Big hugs.xxxx

least

I can understand your anxiety. I hope you can get thru this without having your boundaries violated or your peace of mind threatened.

KateL

I also had a mother like this and it is very damaging. Don't let her get to you, she's not worth it xxxxxxxxxx

Ilya

Thanks everyone. I think what's really getting to me is my family member not quite acknowledging the abuse or validating my feelings.

The mother is just someone I used to know.

Ilya

I have just heard word that my spouse spoke with my local relative to make sure that they acknowledged my situation and believe me.

Now I must wrestle with the mental monster of that woman I used to know, and hope that she stays far away from my hamlet.

If she doesn't, I only hope she commits a great enough offense so that I can obtain my restraining order at long last.

Until then, I'll be trying to learn how not to go to the "dark place" while she is in town...

Thanks again for your well wishes.

I