Avoiding Pain
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Avoiding Pain
One of the things that I have done over my years at SR is to read through the threads in the Alcoholism and Substance Abuse forums. Reading the threads there has been quite an education and has helped me to understand, to a small extent, the daily struggle that is addiction.
There is a common theme that I have noticed between many of the posts written by struggling alcoholics and by struggling friends and family...desparate avoidance of pain.
Many alcoholics talk about how they just couldn't face the pain of some situation in their lives and so they drank to feel nothing. What causes the pain varies from person to person, obviously. Some are embarrassed by something they did, some can't face the breakup of a relationship, some are upset about losing a job, others have terrible relationships with parents, some suffer from depression and other problems, and all of these things cause them pain. For some reason, they want to avoid this pain at all costs. So, they turn to alcohol.
I think many of us do the same thing, only in a slightly different way. I know I did. When I was married previously, I knew before the wedding even happened that it was a mistake. But because the invitations were out, presents were starting to arrive, dress was purchased, church and reception hall was ready to go, I told myself that it would be too painful to disappoint people by calling it off and went ahead with the wedding.
As the marriage progressed, we both became unhappy, but I couldn't talk to him about it. I couldn't face the pain that it would cause. It was painful to me to think about how many people would be disappointed. It was painful to me to think of leaving my husband because I did not want to hurt him and I did love him to the best of my ability at that time. I hate confrontation, and this would be a big one. Instead of working on the marriage, I just pretended everything would be fine and contorted myself mentally in order to avoid having any painful conversations with my husband--even avoiding discussions of something that might have helped my marriage if tried soon enough--counseling.
Instead of being proactive and communicating with my husband, I did everything I could to avoid any painful conversation or situation. Denial, deflection, and avoidance were my tools.
In counseling as my divorce proceeded, I learned one very important lesson. Emotional pain will not kill me. It's not pleasant by any means, but it is OK to feel pain. Avoiding emotionally charged conversations or decisions does not solve any problem in the long run. In fact, I've found that it makes it even more painful when whatever it was I was avoiding explodes in my face.
What have you used (not alcohol) to avoid those painful situations in your life? Have you learned any tools that help you get through those times?
Peace in the valley, S
There is a common theme that I have noticed between many of the posts written by struggling alcoholics and by struggling friends and family...desparate avoidance of pain.
Many alcoholics talk about how they just couldn't face the pain of some situation in their lives and so they drank to feel nothing. What causes the pain varies from person to person, obviously. Some are embarrassed by something they did, some can't face the breakup of a relationship, some are upset about losing a job, others have terrible relationships with parents, some suffer from depression and other problems, and all of these things cause them pain. For some reason, they want to avoid this pain at all costs. So, they turn to alcohol.
I think many of us do the same thing, only in a slightly different way. I know I did. When I was married previously, I knew before the wedding even happened that it was a mistake. But because the invitations were out, presents were starting to arrive, dress was purchased, church and reception hall was ready to go, I told myself that it would be too painful to disappoint people by calling it off and went ahead with the wedding.
As the marriage progressed, we both became unhappy, but I couldn't talk to him about it. I couldn't face the pain that it would cause. It was painful to me to think about how many people would be disappointed. It was painful to me to think of leaving my husband because I did not want to hurt him and I did love him to the best of my ability at that time. I hate confrontation, and this would be a big one. Instead of working on the marriage, I just pretended everything would be fine and contorted myself mentally in order to avoid having any painful conversations with my husband--even avoiding discussions of something that might have helped my marriage if tried soon enough--counseling.
Instead of being proactive and communicating with my husband, I did everything I could to avoid any painful conversation or situation. Denial, deflection, and avoidance were my tools.
In counseling as my divorce proceeded, I learned one very important lesson. Emotional pain will not kill me. It's not pleasant by any means, but it is OK to feel pain. Avoiding emotionally charged conversations or decisions does not solve any problem in the long run. In fact, I've found that it makes it even more painful when whatever it was I was avoiding explodes in my face.
What have you used (not alcohol) to avoid those painful situations in your life? Have you learned any tools that help you get through those times?
Peace in the valley, S
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I retreat into fantasy. I started doing it as a kid. I was a bookworm so I would retreat into whatever imaginary world lived between the pages. I was Scarlett O'Hara, Bilbo Baggins, whoever was strong and brave and able to face whatever the world threw at them.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to face the pain and get it over with so that I can move on to what's next. I still read, but I also write my own stories. I run and do yoga and spend a few minutes after every workout meditating. I keep a daily journal and I make time to play with my kids. Just came in from a massive snowball fight, actually.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to face the pain and get it over with so that I can move on to what's next. I still read, but I also write my own stories. I run and do yoga and spend a few minutes after every workout meditating. I keep a daily journal and I make time to play with my kids. Just came in from a massive snowball fight, actually.
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Well I am an avid reader, I spend lots of time w my kids having fun and of course my dog. I am thinking about running him through agility this summer. We go camping alot in the summer. I excercise when its nice but need to go all the time. I journal and read CR literature currently. Thank you for your post Seren, you are slways so insightful.
God Bless!
God Bless!
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Originally Posted by Seren 
Instead of being proactive and communicating with my husband, I did everything I could to avoid any painful conversation or situation. Denial, deflection, and avoidance were my tools.
In counseling as my divorce proceeded, I learned one very important lesson. Emotional pain will not kill me.
What have you used (not alcohol) to avoid those painful situations in your life? Have you learned any tools that help you get through those times?
Peace in the valley, S
In counseling as my divorce proceeded, I learned one very important lesson. Emotional pain will not kill me.
What have you used (not alcohol) to avoid those painful situations in your life? Have you learned any tools that help you get through those times?
Peace in the valley, S
Gaming! I can't believe I forgot that one. Am major gamer who is doing good on weaning down.
Emotional pain will not kill me.
I am free of anxiety meds since last Friday morning. A near 24 year large dose of ativan.
Funny but I seem to be dealing ok.
I am not dead. For someone like me, it comes down to that....if no one dies/I don't die - it's not a bad day at all. That comes from losing too many people in too short of a time.
The things that really trigger my memories and emotions are places like F&F Forums. My GF was extremely focused on me and it would freak me out in really strange ways. I still have trouble with any focus on me. <--edit: My point is that others are NOT my girlfriend (who died) and it's perfectly fine and normal for them to write what they write here.)
I've learned that heartbreak, change, grief and FEAR, is actually something I can handle.
I'm very proud...today, that I've made a choice to say "no more distractions. I will NOT die from memories, missing her, my kid crying, my dog being fat cause I can't do much physical activity." Etc///so forth. waa waa waa
One foot in front of the other. Good choices made daily (or momentarily!)
Belief in positive. Belief in change.
Never giving up.
(((For the love of Pete!! 2nd edit - I am coping with all this and prior to the stopping to stupid ativan with BREATHING, not reaching for a pill out of habit, writing things down for my eyes only since posting always winds me up, chugging water, taking a bath, venting to a close friend who will NOT feed into my crap, laughing at Jimmy Falon stuff.... and..umm...yeah, online gaming. :-) ) ))
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
you are slways so insightful
Exercise seems to be a common coping tool...I really need to get back into doing something--anything--by way of exercise. I'll have to figure out how to make the time for it
Keeping it simple!
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Originally Posted by Seren
Reading the threads there has been quite an education and has helped me to understand, to a small extent, the daily struggle that is addiction.
It's funny I come to these threads in the family forum so that I can see what it is like for the ones that have to put up with us. That is a struggle all on it's own!
Coming here and reading some of the stuff we do and how you guys feels about us can be painful. But I really do get a lot out of all your posts here. It makes me see the behaviours I have to watch out for and reminds me of the person I don't want to be anymore. Our addictions really do affect everyone around us even though we think it doesn't.
I am so grateful that I am allowed to participate on this side as I do get a lot from it. I find it helps in my recovery. You guys keeps me humble and make me remember that it's not all about me all the time.
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Oh my...I think I've done this for a very long time. I'm not sure at this point all that I've done to prevent feeling pain as I'm just beginning to really get to know myself peeling back a small layer, but I have been known to retreat into silence and into my children.
I received a well deserved rebuke from my sponsor today because I've avoided calling her over the last few weeks since I asked her to be my sponsor. I know I did this to keep from digging things up on myself I know she will want me to work on that I'm sure will not be pleasant. BTW, I finally called her for the first time this evening.
I received a well deserved rebuke from my sponsor today because I've avoided calling her over the last few weeks since I asked her to be my sponsor. I know I did this to keep from digging things up on myself I know she will want me to work on that I'm sure will not be pleasant. BTW, I finally called her for the first time this evening.
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Seren - I've been trying my best to NOT avoid. And the best approach for me so far, in my own judgment, has been turning my problems into my profession where I can study many of these emotional and other kinds of related problems in the everyday. My *main* problem right now is that sometimes I still escape back to avoidance and with that it tends to come escape my job... but I can never stay away from that realization now because it's so much on the surface of my being, on everything I am and do. So in this context, for me the best coping mechanism so far has been trying to seek "beauty from pain", means in my case knowledge and possible practical applications to what I've experienced. Still big sinus curve, to be honest.
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I lived in fantasy land. I clung to the good times and forgot the bad times and forgave over and over and over again. Never really did see this as a problem mainly because I figured it was just what married people do. We committed to each other for life so I just accepted that it was my lot in life and I shoved down my feelings and played pretend house and wife to my spouse.
My AH recently accused me of avoiding the word 'wife' when he asked me why I think that God is calling me to stay in the marriage right now. I had said that I believe I was called to serve God, to continue homeschooling my son, and to be a caretaker to our family and to our home. He heard this and said that I consciously left out the word wife. After this fight, he took off his ring and hasn't put it back on since. He now considers himself single because he thinks I'm stubborn.
The great thing about recovery is that I don't live in fantasy land anymore and I also don't get all my value and self worth from what my AH thinks of me. I am so glad that I've pulled my head out of the sand and that I'm facing reality.
Is it painful? yes. I heard in a meeting last night, someone said, "SICK IS EASY", and I have to agree that yes, yes it is. Avoiding pain is part of my sickness, shoving my emotions down into the bottomless pit of my soul was another. I don't have to do that anymore.
My AH recently accused me of avoiding the word 'wife' when he asked me why I think that God is calling me to stay in the marriage right now. I had said that I believe I was called to serve God, to continue homeschooling my son, and to be a caretaker to our family and to our home. He heard this and said that I consciously left out the word wife. After this fight, he took off his ring and hasn't put it back on since. He now considers himself single because he thinks I'm stubborn.
The great thing about recovery is that I don't live in fantasy land anymore and I also don't get all my value and self worth from what my AH thinks of me. I am so glad that I've pulled my head out of the sand and that I'm facing reality.
Is it painful? yes. I heard in a meeting last night, someone said, "SICK IS EASY", and I have to agree that yes, yes it is. Avoiding pain is part of my sickness, shoving my emotions down into the bottomless pit of my soul was another. I don't have to do that anymore.
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Originally Posted by lizatola
I lived in fantasy land. I clung to the good times and forgot the bad times and forgave over and over and over again. Never really did see this as a problem mainly because I figured it was just what married people do. We committed to each other for life so I just accepted that it was my lot in life and I shoved down my feelings and played pretend house and wife to my spouse. My AH recently accused me of avoiding the word 'wife' when he asked me why I think that God is calling me to stay in the marriage right now. I had said that I believe I was called to serve God, to continue homeschooling my son, and to be a caretaker to our family and to our home. He heard this and said that I consciously left out the word wife. After this fight, he took off his ring and hasn't put it back on since. He now considers himself single because he thinks I'm stubborn. The great thing about recovery is that I don't live in fantasy land anymore and I also don't get all my value and self worth from what my AH thinks of me. I am so glad that I've pulled my head out of the sand and that I'm facing reality. Is it painful? yes. I heard in a meeting last night, someone said, "SICK IS EASY", and I have to agree that yes, yes it is. Avoiding pain is part of my sickness, shoving my emotions down into the bottomless pit of my soul was another. I don't have to do that anymore.
Married people forgive, bend, and compromise. I thought so too. He even convinced me he was doing it more than me and I was falling short. Denial.
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Well, I must admit, married people do forgive, bend and compromise...I have a wonderful marriage now to a delightful man. It is part of what we do....
But it is not forgiving unacceptable behavior.
It is not bending so much that we are not ourselves.
It is not compromising on our core values.
I think what I did in my former marriage is accept the unacceptable but did not talk about how it made me feel or confront the situation head on. By doing so, I just prolonged the painful end and frankly, made it even more painful than I had imagined.
But it is not forgiving unacceptable behavior.
It is not bending so much that we are not ourselves.
It is not compromising on our core values.
I think what I did in my former marriage is accept the unacceptable but did not talk about how it made me feel or confront the situation head on. By doing so, I just prolonged the painful end and frankly, made it even more painful than I had imagined.
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Originally Posted by Seren
Well, I must admit, married people do forgive, bend and compromise...I have a wonderful marriage now to a delightful man. It is part of what we do....
But it is not forgiving unacceptable behavior.
It is not bending so much that we are not ourselves.
It is not compromising on our core values.
I think what I did in my former marriage is accept the unacceptable but did not talk about how it made me feel or confront the situation head on. By doing so, I just prolonged the painful end and frankly, made it even more painful than I had imagined.
But it is not forgiving unacceptable behavior.
It is not bending so much that we are not ourselves.
It is not compromising on our core values.
I think what I did in my former marriage is accept the unacceptable but did not talk about how it made me feel or confront the situation head on. By doing so, I just prolonged the painful end and frankly, made it even more painful than I had imagined.
I'm in a sad place today because I know it will be over eventually. I'm not sad, though, about the end of the marriage itself. I'm sad that I didn't face the pain early enough in my marriage and that maybe it could have either led to a healthier marriage years ago or it could have brought about the end earlier, if I had faced the pain and the abuse head on.
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For me, I have really gotten into Buddhism. I don't consider myself a Buddhist but there are so many good tools there. I think the main one is learning to live in the moment. To be present here and now. It's not easy, especially at first. I have a mindfulness practice where I pay close attention to my thoughts so I can see when I am slipping into unhealthy thoughts and make a choice not to embrace them.
I also learned that pain instructs or it brings more pain. It is better to face it now and resolve whatever internal issue is going on in my head than to ignore it and let a small storm grow into a hurricane.
Thanks for this great thread.
Your friend,
I also learned that pain instructs or it brings more pain. It is better to face it now and resolve whatever internal issue is going on in my head than to ignore it and let a small storm grow into a hurricane.
Thanks for this great thread.
Your friend,
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Ways that I used to avoid pain:
drinking
drugging
over-or-under eating
daydreaming
reading
watching TV/movies
sleeping
focusing on others instead of myself
What I do now to DEAL with pain instead of avoiding it:
meditation
yoga
walking
petting my dogs
talking with a friend
laughing
therapy
reading (lol!)
camping/hiking/nature
traveling
working on my self-esteem and personal growth
communicating negative emotions to others when there's conflict
I have to say that Buddhism has helped me SO much with getting through pain. With feeling it and staying with it in the moment. I have learned to approach it with curiosity and know that it will pass. Feelings aren't facts. Pain is not necessarily a bad thing. We learn from things that make us uncomfortable if we let ourselves feel them. I have also learned to be much, much kinder to myself in general. It's taken years and years and years, and is an ongoing process. It always will be. In addition to addiction problems I have bipolar disorder, so taking care of my mental health must always be a priority. I am more vigilant about it now than I used to be. A few years ago I got so depressed I was really afraid I wasn't going to make it. I've committed myself to making sure I don't let it happen again, no matter what the circumstances in my life may be.
Thanks for this post, Seren. You always have something to offer that makes me think. xoxox
drinking
drugging
over-or-under eating
daydreaming
reading
watching TV/movies
sleeping
focusing on others instead of myself
What I do now to DEAL with pain instead of avoiding it:
meditation
yoga
walking
petting my dogs
talking with a friend
laughing
therapy
reading (lol!)
camping/hiking/nature
traveling
working on my self-esteem and personal growth
communicating negative emotions to others when there's conflict
I have to say that Buddhism has helped me SO much with getting through pain. With feeling it and staying with it in the moment. I have learned to approach it with curiosity and know that it will pass. Feelings aren't facts. Pain is not necessarily a bad thing. We learn from things that make us uncomfortable if we let ourselves feel them. I have also learned to be much, much kinder to myself in general. It's taken years and years and years, and is an ongoing process. It always will be. In addition to addiction problems I have bipolar disorder, so taking care of my mental health must always be a priority. I am more vigilant about it now than I used to be. A few years ago I got so depressed I was really afraid I wasn't going to make it. I've committed myself to making sure I don't let it happen again, no matter what the circumstances in my life may be.
Thanks for this post, Seren. You always have something to offer that makes me think. xoxox
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Excellent post, Seren!!!
Me too. If I had written down all the elaborate stories I made up in my head during my cruddy marriage, I would be a best-selling author. All that done to avoid pain. To avoid reality.
I also ran. Ran, ran, ran. Exercise is healthy but when you're running to run away from reality, it's as unhealthy as a drug.
That said, and understood -- since we're fellow codies here with similar tendencies -- I remind myself that I did what I could at the time to survive. That is, I can see now that these were unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I need to not beat myself up over using them when that was the only thing I was able to do.
I think I've mentioned the book "Crucial Conversations" here before? My boss considers it required reading for everyone in the office, so I approached it with a ho-hum attitude, but found it extremely helpful. It talks about how when conversations get "crucial" (important and emotional), many of us choose "silence or violence" -- that is, either we get controlling, aggressive, and pushy, or we withdraw and don't contribute our opinions. Either way, you don't contribute to the conversation in a helpful way. So the book suggests methods for finding ways to overcome your "instinctual" way of reacting to conflict and contribute in a helpful and productive way. I'm working on it, but I still hate conflict and pain.
I retreat into fantasy. I started doing it as a kid. I was a bookworm so I would retreat into whatever imaginary world lived between the pages. I was Scarlett O'Hara, Bilbo Baggins, whoever was strong and brave and able to face whatever the world threw at them.
I also ran. Ran, ran, ran. Exercise is healthy but when you're running to run away from reality, it's as unhealthy as a drug.
That said, and understood -- since we're fellow codies here with similar tendencies -- I remind myself that I did what I could at the time to survive. That is, I can see now that these were unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I need to not beat myself up over using them when that was the only thing I was able to do.
I think I've mentioned the book "Crucial Conversations" here before? My boss considers it required reading for everyone in the office, so I approached it with a ho-hum attitude, but found it extremely helpful. It talks about how when conversations get "crucial" (important and emotional), many of us choose "silence or violence" -- that is, either we get controlling, aggressive, and pushy, or we withdraw and don't contribute our opinions. Either way, you don't contribute to the conversation in a helpful way. So the book suggests methods for finding ways to overcome your "instinctual" way of reacting to conflict and contribute in a helpful and productive way. I'm working on it, but I still hate conflict and pain.
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It's just fear. We aren't given an instruction book when were born, and we're all just doing the best we can with the tools we have. As an abused kid, I read. I read anything with words on it...all.the.freaking.time. Great for my SAT verbal score, not so good for my homework, relationships, self-discipline, etc.
Later I discovered that alcohol was useful. TV. Video games. Work. Porn. And one day I learned the same lesson that Seren did...emotional pain won't kill me. I really thought it would. Like jumping off a high dive, once you've done it the first time, it gets easier.
It's not an overnight transformation...but there has been a transformation. The Buddists call it bodhi or satori--awakening. Interesting that my 12 Step program uses a similar term--a spiritual awakening.
I still love to read, but I don't need to read. I watch TV, but in small doses. I gave up alcohol, and cigars, and my Playboy subscription. I go to meetings, pray & meditate. I much braver these days about new experiences, meeting people, speaking in groups. I have an unfamiliar sense of fearlessness. I remain profoundly imperfect, but I see progress.
I think I thought life was a steady path from cradle to grave, and I just went along. But now I see that I have choices. Freedom. Absolute freedom. There can be sharp disconnects. The phrase "change is good" doesn't seem so ironic anymore, it seems joyful. Life is good.
Later I discovered that alcohol was useful. TV. Video games. Work. Porn. And one day I learned the same lesson that Seren did...emotional pain won't kill me. I really thought it would. Like jumping off a high dive, once you've done it the first time, it gets easier.
It's not an overnight transformation...but there has been a transformation. The Buddists call it bodhi or satori--awakening. Interesting that my 12 Step program uses a similar term--a spiritual awakening.
I still love to read, but I don't need to read. I watch TV, but in small doses. I gave up alcohol, and cigars, and my Playboy subscription. I go to meetings, pray & meditate. I much braver these days about new experiences, meeting people, speaking in groups. I have an unfamiliar sense of fearlessness. I remain profoundly imperfect, but I see progress.
I think I thought life was a steady path from cradle to grave, and I just went along. But now I see that I have choices. Freedom. Absolute freedom. There can be sharp disconnects. The phrase "change is good" doesn't seem so ironic anymore, it seems joyful. Life is good.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
That said, and understood -- since we're fellow codies here with similar tendencies -- I remind myself that I did what I could at the time to survive. That is, I can see now that these were unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I need to not beat myself up over using them when that was the only thing I was able to do.
All of the things I did were unhealthy, but not something for which I needed to berate myself. When you know better, you do better
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STUDYING OURSELVES
"Listening to talks about the dharma, or the teachings of Buddha, or practicing meditation is nothing other than studying ourselves. Whether we’re eating or working or meditating or listening or talking, the reason that we’re here in this world at all is to study ourselves. In fact, it has been said that studying ourselves provides all the books we need.
Maybe the reason there are dharma talks and books is just to encourage us to understand this simple teaching: all the wisdom about how we cause ourselves to suffer and all the wisdom about how joyful and vast and uncomplicated our minds are—these two things, the understanding of what we might call neurosis and the wisdom of unconditioned, unbiased truth—can only be found in our own experience."
(From her book When Things Fall Apart)
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"Listening to talks about the dharma, or the teachings of Buddha, or practicing meditation is nothing other than studying ourselves. Whether we’re eating or working or meditating or listening or talking, the reason that we’re here in this world at all is to study ourselves. In fact, it has been said that studying ourselves provides all the books we need.
Maybe the reason there are dharma talks and books is just to encourage us to understand this simple teaching: all the wisdom about how we cause ourselves to suffer and all the wisdom about how joyful and vast and uncomplicated our minds are—these two things, the understanding of what we might call neurosis and the wisdom of unconditioned, unbiased truth—can only be found in our own experience."
(From her book When Things Fall Apart)
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