JustAGirl1971

My AH recently moved out. We are divorcing. My family knows most of the story. AH's family does not. To be honest, I don't even really know what they know? All he told me is that he told them we were divorcing and ds is not living at home. Up until this point, my stance has been: his family, his problem. However, now I'm getting letters, facebook pms, and calls from his family. So far, I have not answered anyone. It's all versions of the same: why are we divorcing, why are we throwing away a seemingly perfect life, why are we letting our son ruin our marriage, have we considered how a divorce will affect our children? And, of course lots and lots of guilt trips. Should I just send them all the same generic message: It's complicated, talk to your ____ (son, brother, grandson)? I know it's not my place to out AH's addiction to these people (and frankly, they would not believe it since most of them are enablers or have various addictions of their own.) But, I don't want to make them angry either, as they are still my children's family.

Hammer

I can answer THAT one.

Anymore . . . . As. Little. As. Possible.

Joking, but no Joke.

THAT is my new policy.

Stung

Do you or your kids have anything to gain from communicating with them?

I personally just wouldn't respond to the letters, PMs, and calls. That's his stuff to deal with. I've been ignored almost entirely by AH's family and they are crazy enablers that I don't want around my kids period. No extended family is better than crazy enabling family, IMO. I care about people being good people, not whether blood or marriage makes them related to us.

FireSprite

Idk, I can be honest to a fault with stuff like this... I also think that secrets handcuff us to this disease. Is it wrong to simply say, " his drinking has become a problem FOR ME."?

FireSprite

I should also disclose that I have been NC with my IL's for about 15/ 20 yrs that I've known my IL's.... so take my opinion with a very large grain of salt.

lillamy

Well look, there's your problem right there. The GRANDPARENTS ask why you are letting THEIR GRANDCHILD RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE???? Instead of asking "what can be going on that is so horrible that a child does not want to live at home anymore?"

I wouldn't even respond. If you're still in contact with your AH, I would let him know that his family is asking you, but that out of respect for him, you're not going to respond because you don't want to lie, but that you will leave it to him to explain to them.

Needabreak

I agree w/ Lillamy. Forward the emails to your AH.

At first I loved the idea of your generic message: "It's complicated, talk to your ____ (son, brother, grandson)?"

But you know that ambiguous, semi-neutral phrase "it's complicated" is going to get everybody all worked up and they'll badger you even more. Maybe if anything just tell them you'd rather let their son, brother, grandson respond and that you've forwarded their messages to him?

CarryOn

Tough question because I see this both ways. My counselor gave me advise early on that I communicate with my support network and allow RAH to communicate with his support network. We did not reach the point of separation or divorce, but I do believe that if we had, I would have reached out to his brother to let him know, and I would have made sure that he knew RAH's relapse was the major factor. That being said, I do get along with his brother & SIL, and while we are not close, I care for them very much and they have always been supportive when needed.

It sounds like AH has already given his family his version of the story, so maybe it is best to simply refer them back to him. I would just keep in close communication with your children if they are going to continue having relationships with AH's family...you'll want them to be comfortable telling you what they hear and allowing you to be the source of truth in their lives.

Hugs to you, JustAGirl!!

CodeJob

JustaGirl,

I was not in your exact situation when I kicked H out of house last year. Once it was determined that he was going to inpatient rehab and I began reading more and more about addiction, I felt compelled to alert his family to the situation (we do not live in the same state so it was really easy to MASK what was going on). I wrote a brief note stating the mailing address of inpatient rehab, and referenced several online articles that I felt had really helped me better recognize how deep the problem was for said A. I sent it to every sib via FB and one sib kindly agreed to print and give to MIL.

Now to this day RAH is exceedingly upset that I did this. Why? Because "I let other people get involved in our business." Our? Ha I wish there was inpatient rehab for codies... But since I had kicked him out, I felt it was only fair that they know what they were dealing with if he left rehab and showed up on one of their doorsteps... I have not apologized to him for this action on my part. I just refuse to cover it up or bury it any longer. Also, they are good prayerful people. He got a HUGE amount of mail. Everyone would tell me they were praying for him/us/probably for me to be struck by lightning. It was really very sweet to see how much mail they sent him in 28 days.

And now we live rockily ever after in early recovery/DENIAL Land.

readerbaby71

I think this will do just fine. It's his family and his responsibility to tell them.

Stung

CodeJob,

I told all of his family and his friends too. They were all very supportive of him and helping him deal with his "b!tch of a wife," that would be me, and all that I am putting him through. They have all ignored me AND our kids since we split. His sister texted me on my birthday and it took all I had to not write F You back since she ignored my kids at Christmas.

If I could do it all over again, I would realize that enablers are ignorant and very loyal to the alcoholic, I wouldn't have contacted them at all.

Ofelie

On the one hand, hiding the truth (cuz he isn't gonna out his own addiction will he?), which is what alcoholics do so well, will only perpetuate it, so maybe his family should know? On the other hand, if they are as much of a mess, or enable him, it will only serve to cause you grief. I did it, last time he left. Got his family involved, begged them to help me deal with him. Did me no good and then they turned on me because they are pretty much different versions of him and who can reason with that?

In hindsight, I should have saved myself the grief. They were people I had let myself come to care about, and it hurt very badly when they chose to believe him and turned against me. His dad actually told me (after the chair throwing episode) that I had created the issue by not paying his child support for him and had I just paid it maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt. REALLY???

Carefully consider what good...or bad will come of you answering them? Is there an actual realistic point? And will it make a difference, as CodeJob said her's went mail happy afterwards.

Godismyrock

The family members will learn, if they have not already, for themselves what your XAH is like. I would respond with as little as possible, as the other posters have suggested.

I know that you don't want to be made out as the "bad guy", but frankly, who cares what they think now? They will figure it out on their own, and talk to each other about him. Your kids know who they can trust, and that is you.

KateL

Yes this xxxxx

Praying

I'm curious- what type of relationship your kids have to those family members, and will it continue?

I ask because while I generally subscribe to the "his family, his story, leave it be" theory, I also think our kids need help promoting their reality.

During my divorce from previously high functioning AH, I kept quiet on alcoholism, affair, everything. Kids and I moved home and are close to AH's parents. Once AH's life blew up and the kids knew everything because it was all over town, I called in-laws and said- "I'm only going to say this once, I told myself I'd never do this. Here's reality." (In fairness, the fact that he was fired and also remarried and hadn't told them any of it helped them believe when they didn't want to, but that was a really tough phone call.) I told them they could take or leave what I'm telling them, but the kids are dealing with this and I refuse to tell them they need to keep it secret, and the kids need support, not questioning. I very gently made it clear that this was a requirement in their ongoing relationship.

And I'm able to know where they're coming from and what my kids might hear, so I can help strengthen their reality and tell them, "Just like I had a hard time seeing and accepting it, Gma and Gpa are still trying, so they may sound confused or disbelieving at times. Be patient with them, this is their son." That helps diffuse those powerful confusing messages they'll hear from enablers.

That said- blood is thicker than water. I'm cautious with the in-laws and with what my kids might hear. But I really felt it would damage the kids to not shout reality out loud. We are only as sick as our secrets. My kids are sick enough.

OTOH, if they won't see the in-laws, then I'd say forget it!

And on an ongoing basis...it's hard whatever happens. Hang in there and do what feels right. You'll choose the right thing. My personal guide is to make sure I'm doing things solely for the kids' welfare.

Hugs!

redatlanta

The only thing I would respond with is…… that "our son is not the reason we are getting divorced and I would appreciate you stop spreading that rumor.

Then I might also add in that contrary to belief your marriage was not perfect. Thank you for contacting me but you will need to contact AH for inquiries."

redatlanta

P.S. I quickly read through some of your past posts and noticed that you said you are having an amicable divorce - you wan to keep it that way. Most definitely would not say a peep about his issues. Keep it nice. They will figure it out anyway.

Florence

I realize now that all my attempts to get his folks on board were wasted breath for me. After spending a lot of time at SR, it's apparent to me that the A (as are we, or we wouldn't get involved in the first place) is usually part of a larger family system of dysfunction, denial, and suppression that looks askance at anyone who wants to shed light on the situation and agitate for change. I tried to give them a heads up of what they were going to be dealing with once I "gave him back" but they were defensive and standoffish towards me. This seems to be the standard mode of operation.

That said, I don't hide *my* truth and *my* story. My husband, whom I loved very much, was an alcoholic and it wrecked my family. I had to leave him to save myself. There was no perfect life, there was no perfect marriage there. If people want the details and I feel safe telling them, I do. If not, I don't.

I went through these pleading messages when I first split with my AH (my mom still does it). Reasonable people will see the facts and say, well, it's your life, do what you have to do. Codependent people will advocate that you stay together at all costs, for XYZ reasons.

JustAGirl1971

Sadly, lillamy, it's not just his family who is asking that question. Several members of my family have essentially said the same thing. I think they are all fixated on the event that was ds's final straw and are not considering the months of hell leading up to that event. And, in my family's case, they KNOW ABOUT those months I've just refused to discuss it any more with certain members of my own family. I know the reason they fixate on the one event: acknowledging the alcoholism and dysfunction in my home shines a light on the addiction and dysfunction in their own homes and they do not want to see it. They prefer to live in denial.

JustAGirl1971

This is exactly what I'm dealing with. Lots of alcoholism and drug abuse. Honestly, his parents, grandparents, siblings, and nieces/nephews grew up in alcoholic/addict homes, were married to As, are As themselves, or some combination thereof. I'd like to say my family is better but really, the only differences are we have more money, are more educated, and the drug of choice is legal. The behavior is no different. Addiction is addiction.