New Comer to Al-Anon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 4
New Comer to Al-Anon
I am new to these form, but I am looking for help. My husband of 15 years has been a alcoholic and he will not accept that he is. He lost a good paying job in 2011, we lost both vehicle and almost out home.
months ago he tried to strangle me as he was yelling I am going to kill you. I caught him texting another women. He has been removed from our home and is wait for his court hearing. We have been able to text with the approval of the court. He has told me he is never coming back and he is starting a new life. I feel he is blaming me for everything. I am going to therapy, attending a divorcecare class and went to mu 1st Al-Anon meeting last night.
Can anyone please give me any advise. I feel so lost.
months ago he tried to strangle me as he was yelling I am going to kill you. I caught him texting another women. He has been removed from our home and is wait for his court hearing. We have been able to text with the approval of the court. He has told me he is never coming back and he is starting a new life. I feel he is blaming me for everything. I am going to therapy, attending a divorcecare class and went to mu 1st Al-Anon meeting last night.
Can anyone please give me any advise. I feel so lost.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, butterfly--so sorry you are in this bad situation, but glad that you found your way here. Every single one of us here understands where you're at; you can feel free to speak your mind and heart here.
I'm really glad you've already been to Alanon--they can provide a lot of support and education for you in the real world. I hope you keep going to meetings. You also might benefit from reading some of the Alanon literature. Your local library may have some available. If not, you can find a lot on Amazon, and the used items are quite reasonably priced.
It's common for the alcoholic to blame everything and everyone else for their problems; you are not alone in being told you are the cause of your A's drinking and so on. You may have already heard in Alanon about the 4 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Everything he says with regards to that is simply untrue, so don't let it get to you.
Read as much as you can here. You'll likely see a lot of stories that sound familiar to you. As you read and learn (and attend your Alanon meetings), you'll start to see things in a whole new way. You CAN be happy and free, regardless of what your A does or does not do.
You are not alone, butterfly. Wishing you strength and clarity.
I'm really glad you've already been to Alanon--they can provide a lot of support and education for you in the real world. I hope you keep going to meetings. You also might benefit from reading some of the Alanon literature. Your local library may have some available. If not, you can find a lot on Amazon, and the used items are quite reasonably priced.
It's common for the alcoholic to blame everything and everyone else for their problems; you are not alone in being told you are the cause of your A's drinking and so on. You may have already heard in Alanon about the 4 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Everything he says with regards to that is simply untrue, so don't let it get to you.
Read as much as you can here. You'll likely see a lot of stories that sound familiar to you. As you read and learn (and attend your Alanon meetings), you'll start to see things in a whole new way. You CAN be happy and free, regardless of what your A does or does not do.
You are not alone, butterfly. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First. Just breath. In, Out, Relax.
This is about as near a bottom as it gets on this side (the not an A side).
Means that as you start to work through all this -- with T, Alanon, your class -- things will be getting better ahead.
You are already through the worst of the storm.
Just try to relax a little and know that.
This is about as near a bottom as it gets on this side (the not an A side).
Means that as you start to work through all this -- with T, Alanon, your class -- things will be getting better ahead.
You are already through the worst of the storm.
Just try to relax a little and know that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I am glad he has been removed from your home. I am RELIEVED he is away from you, now its time to take a huge breath and be grateful that you are alive. I am glad you are alive and that you made it here to get help.
About the court saying you can text? Don't. Why would they allow that? Don't. Don't do that to yourself. He tried to kill you, it sounds like he WANTED to kill you. There will be a next time, there always is, until he actually kills you and then there won't need to be a next time. Take this time away from him to find yourself again. Take it slow and careful, don't rush yourself. Give yourself space away from his chaos so you can unravel the hold he has over you. I am finding that NO CONTACT and NO RESPONSE are best. You need time to process what you have been through, and what you want to happen next in your life.
Something that STILL surprises me daily is that I have CHOICES in life! So do you!
I am SO THANKFUL you are alive, seriously. HUGE hugs, and know that we are all here for you.
About the court saying you can text? Don't. Why would they allow that? Don't. Don't do that to yourself. He tried to kill you, it sounds like he WANTED to kill you. There will be a next time, there always is, until he actually kills you and then there won't need to be a next time. Take this time away from him to find yourself again. Take it slow and careful, don't rush yourself. Give yourself space away from his chaos so you can unravel the hold he has over you. I am finding that NO CONTACT and NO RESPONSE are best. You need time to process what you have been through, and what you want to happen next in your life.
Something that STILL surprises me daily is that I have CHOICES in life! So do you!
I am SO THANKFUL you are alive, seriously. HUGE hugs, and know that we are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Butterfly, welcome!!!
Your post grabbed my heart with two fists because your story is somewhat reminiscent of mine. I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic, and left him when he became violent and threatened to kill the entire family.
First of all, I am so relieved to hear that he is out of your home and that you are safe. Have you had the locks changed? That would be at the top of my to-do list.
If I understand you correctly, you have a restraining order against him but the courts have approved texting. My experience is that any contact I had with my husband was disturbing to my peace. I wanted him to stop blaming me and take some responsibility -- he didn't. So for me, the best thing was having no contact whatsoever with him. Zero.
I called a domestic violence support organization and spoke with their victims' rights advocate. She walked me through what to expect and recommended that I try to get a long-term protective order as part of the sentencing. She said most of these cases, the sentence is a suspended jail term conditioned on good behavior. So for example, your husband might get sentenced to X months of jail time, but it's suspended if he can show good behavior. In my case, AXH's jail sentence will be "activated" if he contacts me in any way or if he shows up within 500 feet of my house.
That's my experience of the legal part. I recommend having a good friend go with you to the hearings. It was pretty stressful, and it was nice to know that there was a friendly person there taking notes because my brain couldn't follow it all.
And then there's the underlying issue of alcoholism. And of him moving on with his life and leaving you to pick up the pieces.
You may not like what I say next, but I think you are in a place that's not too bad. When you've been married that long and someone leaves you, of course it feels like your heart is being torn out of your body. But when that someone who leaves you is a violent person who has tried to kill you? It may be easier not to have to make the decision to remove yourself from his life. It may be easier that he made the decision for you.
YOU are not to blame for any of this.
A person who is capable of harming you, and blaming you for it -- that is a very sick individual. You can love him. You can feel sorry for him. You can want for him to quit drinking. But the safe thing for me was doing that from a distance.
My AXH never stopped blaming me. At first, it was heartbreaking that he could blame me, me, who had done nothing but try to help him. After a while, I learned to live with the fact that he would probably continue blaming me for everything. The tricky part, which I've been working on diligently for years, is to get his voice out of my head. To push away the accusations I could hear. To listen to what I know is the truth rather than the lies he filled my head with.
I'm glad you found us. This is a good place to learn about alcoholism. What it does to the alcoholic. What it does to the people who love an alcoholic.
I'm also glad you're in counseling and -- YAY! -- have been to your first Al-Anon meeting. KEEP COMING BACK -- because even if it doesn't feel like it after the first meeting, the program DOES help. It was my lifeline while I was married to an alcoholic, it is still my lifeline now that I'm divorced from one and working on removing the unhealthy coping techniques I learned in order to survive.
Do you guys have kids together?
Your post grabbed my heart with two fists because your story is somewhat reminiscent of mine. I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic, and left him when he became violent and threatened to kill the entire family.
First of all, I am so relieved to hear that he is out of your home and that you are safe. Have you had the locks changed? That would be at the top of my to-do list.
If I understand you correctly, you have a restraining order against him but the courts have approved texting. My experience is that any contact I had with my husband was disturbing to my peace. I wanted him to stop blaming me and take some responsibility -- he didn't. So for me, the best thing was having no contact whatsoever with him. Zero.
I called a domestic violence support organization and spoke with their victims' rights advocate. She walked me through what to expect and recommended that I try to get a long-term protective order as part of the sentencing. She said most of these cases, the sentence is a suspended jail term conditioned on good behavior. So for example, your husband might get sentenced to X months of jail time, but it's suspended if he can show good behavior. In my case, AXH's jail sentence will be "activated" if he contacts me in any way or if he shows up within 500 feet of my house.
That's my experience of the legal part. I recommend having a good friend go with you to the hearings. It was pretty stressful, and it was nice to know that there was a friendly person there taking notes because my brain couldn't follow it all.
And then there's the underlying issue of alcoholism. And of him moving on with his life and leaving you to pick up the pieces.
You may not like what I say next, but I think you are in a place that's not too bad. When you've been married that long and someone leaves you, of course it feels like your heart is being torn out of your body. But when that someone who leaves you is a violent person who has tried to kill you? It may be easier not to have to make the decision to remove yourself from his life. It may be easier that he made the decision for you.
YOU are not to blame for any of this.
A person who is capable of harming you, and blaming you for it -- that is a very sick individual. You can love him. You can feel sorry for him. You can want for him to quit drinking. But the safe thing for me was doing that from a distance.
My AXH never stopped blaming me. At first, it was heartbreaking that he could blame me, me, who had done nothing but try to help him. After a while, I learned to live with the fact that he would probably continue blaming me for everything. The tricky part, which I've been working on diligently for years, is to get his voice out of my head. To push away the accusations I could hear. To listen to what I know is the truth rather than the lies he filled my head with.
I'm glad you found us. This is a good place to learn about alcoholism. What it does to the alcoholic. What it does to the people who love an alcoholic.
I'm also glad you're in counseling and -- YAY! -- have been to your first Al-Anon meeting. KEEP COMING BACK -- because even if it doesn't feel like it after the first meeting, the program DOES help. It was my lifeline while I was married to an alcoholic, it is still my lifeline now that I'm divorced from one and working on removing the unhealthy coping techniques I learned in order to survive.
Do you guys have kids together?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
First. Just breath. In, Out, Relax.
Barb Dwyer, an old-timer who used to post here when I first came here, gave me this mantra to repeat when I was stressing out over things:
right now --
the house is safe
your children are safe
you are safe
the house is safe
your children are safe
you are safe
And since I opened my book of quotes, let me also share something Hammer said:
An alcoholic, whether active or Dry Drunking -- is a User.
They use alcohol, drugs, and people.
Users use, and that is what they do
They use alcohol, drugs, and people.
Users use, and that is what they do
Right now, you are safe.
Remember that.
Do you have friends where you live? Family? Do any of them know what's going on? Or have you been too ashamed to talk about it? Don't be. You need support right now and there is no shame in that. Like someone said to me -- "by trying to handle everything yourself, you are robbing your friends of the opportunity to be a blessing to you."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I think we shut our eyes to a lot of this stuff as it happens around us...even though most of it just goes against our common sense, our morals, our gut instincts. Welcome to seeing the world for the first time with eyes wide open. And again, I cannot stress how grateful I am that you are alive. I might be going overboard on that one, but it only takes once to get dead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 4
lillamy,
I have a wonderful sister and my 2 adult children close by and awesome co worker's. My youngest son is 27 and is still living at home and has saw so much. He will be going to therapy this Friday with me.
I have a wonderful sister and my 2 adult children close by and awesome co worker's. My youngest son is 27 and is still living at home and has saw so much. He will be going to therapy this Friday with me.
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