feeling so very lost ...
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feeling so very lost ...
I am feeling so lost lately ... rAH has been home from rehab for three weeks. He is working his program and is going to AA meetings every day, twice on Sundays. Seems to completely encompass his life - and ours. My youngest misses her dad a lot as they don't see him as much as they had hoped upon his return from rehab.
He is sleeping in the spare room right now as was the plan when he returned. It was very awkward at first. I am battling depression right now and I, after feeling so much awkwardness and distance, put up a wall around me and was very hesitant to talk much with him. I was also thinking I was giving him his space.
While he was gone I got in the habit of heading to bed earlier (usually I am a nighthawk) and I have continued with this since he came home. Of course that means I am usually heading up to bed when he gets home from his meeting (around 9:30pm). The other night he came up and asked me why I head to bed as soon as he gets home and said he feels like I don't even want to be around him. So after he went downstairs I eventually decided I needed to go down and talk with him. So we actually talked. I talked about how it felt when he left, how I'd changed while he was gone. I talked about how we have been roomies for years and years and that I can't live like that anymore. There is no spark in our relationship for me at all ... it has been dead in the water on that side of things for years sadly. I talked about how the smoking bothers me - the listening to him cough and hack, the smell, the cost, etc. I talked about the resentment and anger I had building up throughout the summer and into the fall when I was doing every single thing around this house with no help with the kids or anything. At that time I was already thinking it would be easier to be on my own ... and then when everything happened in November and he went to rehab in December it confirmed to me that living on my own wasn't so awful. So we talked about the possibility of separating ... BUT I said it wasn't something we could really think about or worry about right now. Rehab says sobriety has to come before everything else ... if marriage gets put before sobriety, then sobriety is in jeopardy of being lost. So my thinking is stay in the house for now and focus on sobriety. We worry about the marriage down the road. Right now we parent our two girls and we live in the house together - albeit continuing as roomies. Whether the marriage survives or not we won't know.
I felt better after finally talking with him. I thought he did too. Then the next day came (yesterday) .... basically I got the cold shoulder anytime he was around - which wasn't much as he left the house for a good portion of it. Then last night he had his aa meeting and didn't come home until after 10:30 when I was already in bed. When I got up this morning at 7:30 to get the girls ready for school his bed was made and he was already gone. he hasn't been home since. I have no idea where he went or what he is doing. Unfortunately I always worry ... I think about him contemplating suicide again or if he is out drinking. This is always the conclusion I jump to - and I think it always will be.
I had previously talked about an EA I had been in with hubby's sgt. I know it wasn't right and I got some flack here for it, but it happened and I feel badly for it. Sadly sgt and I didn't stop contact back when I originally posted about it ... but we hadn't been talking like we had been prior to that. We really only chatted normal chat ... he listened to my problems and we talked a lot about hubby's return from rehab and such. I never fully let go of my feelings for him though ... and when the stress was getting to me with hubby's return and my depression was diagnosed I became somewhat irrational texting often and really trying hard to reignite things. Of course it didn't work and I was rebuffed ... now it is no contact at all ... and I am struggling with that as I did fall for him. He was also my listening ear and closest confidante ... so I have lost that too. I am not going to contact him anymore ... but it is so very hard when he has been a constant in my life.
Anyways ... long story here ... I don't know that I am asking for any advice ... I just had to share what is going on. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I have not been to Alanon - I am honestly not sure I want to go. The meetings here are not good in our schedule - they happen at the same time later at night as hubbys AA meetings so I cant leave my girls home alone at that time of night. I honestly don't know that I have an interest in learning about it all. I don't know that I want to live with all of this focus on sobriety. I don't know that he wont relapse in a week, a month, a year or ten years and we will go through all of this all over again. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't know that it ever will come back ... it has been gone for so very long. I have spent most of yesterday crying and again today ... I cant seem to get myself going. My eyes are so puffy and I look like something the cat would drag in
He is sleeping in the spare room right now as was the plan when he returned. It was very awkward at first. I am battling depression right now and I, after feeling so much awkwardness and distance, put up a wall around me and was very hesitant to talk much with him. I was also thinking I was giving him his space.
While he was gone I got in the habit of heading to bed earlier (usually I am a nighthawk) and I have continued with this since he came home. Of course that means I am usually heading up to bed when he gets home from his meeting (around 9:30pm). The other night he came up and asked me why I head to bed as soon as he gets home and said he feels like I don't even want to be around him. So after he went downstairs I eventually decided I needed to go down and talk with him. So we actually talked. I talked about how it felt when he left, how I'd changed while he was gone. I talked about how we have been roomies for years and years and that I can't live like that anymore. There is no spark in our relationship for me at all ... it has been dead in the water on that side of things for years sadly. I talked about how the smoking bothers me - the listening to him cough and hack, the smell, the cost, etc. I talked about the resentment and anger I had building up throughout the summer and into the fall when I was doing every single thing around this house with no help with the kids or anything. At that time I was already thinking it would be easier to be on my own ... and then when everything happened in November and he went to rehab in December it confirmed to me that living on my own wasn't so awful. So we talked about the possibility of separating ... BUT I said it wasn't something we could really think about or worry about right now. Rehab says sobriety has to come before everything else ... if marriage gets put before sobriety, then sobriety is in jeopardy of being lost. So my thinking is stay in the house for now and focus on sobriety. We worry about the marriage down the road. Right now we parent our two girls and we live in the house together - albeit continuing as roomies. Whether the marriage survives or not we won't know.
I felt better after finally talking with him. I thought he did too. Then the next day came (yesterday) .... basically I got the cold shoulder anytime he was around - which wasn't much as he left the house for a good portion of it. Then last night he had his aa meeting and didn't come home until after 10:30 when I was already in bed. When I got up this morning at 7:30 to get the girls ready for school his bed was made and he was already gone. he hasn't been home since. I have no idea where he went or what he is doing. Unfortunately I always worry ... I think about him contemplating suicide again or if he is out drinking. This is always the conclusion I jump to - and I think it always will be.
I had previously talked about an EA I had been in with hubby's sgt. I know it wasn't right and I got some flack here for it, but it happened and I feel badly for it. Sadly sgt and I didn't stop contact back when I originally posted about it ... but we hadn't been talking like we had been prior to that. We really only chatted normal chat ... he listened to my problems and we talked a lot about hubby's return from rehab and such. I never fully let go of my feelings for him though ... and when the stress was getting to me with hubby's return and my depression was diagnosed I became somewhat irrational texting often and really trying hard to reignite things. Of course it didn't work and I was rebuffed ... now it is no contact at all ... and I am struggling with that as I did fall for him. He was also my listening ear and closest confidante ... so I have lost that too. I am not going to contact him anymore ... but it is so very hard when he has been a constant in my life.
Anyways ... long story here ... I don't know that I am asking for any advice ... I just had to share what is going on. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I have not been to Alanon - I am honestly not sure I want to go. The meetings here are not good in our schedule - they happen at the same time later at night as hubbys AA meetings so I cant leave my girls home alone at that time of night. I honestly don't know that I have an interest in learning about it all. I don't know that I want to live with all of this focus on sobriety. I don't know that he wont relapse in a week, a month, a year or ten years and we will go through all of this all over again. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't know that it ever will come back ... it has been gone for so very long. I have spent most of yesterday crying and again today ... I cant seem to get myself going. My eyes are so puffy and I look like something the cat would drag in
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by kdjom 
I have not been to Alanon - I am honestly not sure I want to go. The meetings here are not good in our schedule - they happen at the same time later at night as hubbys AA meetings so I cant leave my girls home alone at that time of night. I honestly don't know that I have an interest in learning about it all. I don't know that I want to live with all of this focus on sobriety. I don't know that he wont relapse in a week, a month, a year or ten years and we will go through all of this all over again. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't know that it ever will come back ... it has been gone for so very long. I have spent most of yesterday crying and again today ... I cant seem to get myself going. My eyes are so puffy and I look like something the cat would drag in
If you can't afford a babysitter, reach out to find someone trustworthy to stay with the girls during your meetings. Reaching out for help was the hardest thing of all for me, but now I understand how necessary it is. Alanon isn't focused on sobriety or even on saving your marriage. It's to help you recover no matter what else is going on.
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by kdjom
I am feeling so lost lately ... rAH has been home from rehab for three weeks. He is working his program and is going to AA meetings every day, twice on Sundays. Seems to completely encompass his life - and ours. My youngest misses her dad a lot as they don't see him as much as they had hoped upon his return from rehab.
He is sleeping in the spare room right now as was the plan when he returned. It was very awkward at first. I am battling depression right now and I, after feeling so much awkwardness and distance, put up a wall around me and was very hesitant to talk much with him. I was also thinking I was giving him his space.
While he was gone I got in the habit of heading to bed earlier (usually I am a nighthawk) and I have continued with this since he came home. Of course that means I am usually heading up to bed when he gets home from his meeting (around 9:30pm). The other night he came up and asked me why I head to bed as soon as he gets home and said he feels like I don't even want to be around him. So after he went downstairs I eventually decided I needed to go down and talk with him. So we actually talked. I talked about how it felt when he left, how I'd changed while he was gone. I talked about how we have been roomies for years and years and that I can't live like that anymore. There is no spark in our relationship for me at all ... it has been dead in the water on that side of things for years sadly. I talked about how the smoking bothers me - the listening to him cough and hack, the smell, the cost, etc. I talked about the resentment and anger I had building up throughout the summer and into the fall when I was doing every single thing around this house with no help with the kids or anything. At that time I was already thinking it would be easier to be on my own ... and then when everything happened in November and he went to rehab in December it confirmed to me that living on my own wasn't so awful. So we talked about the possibility of separating ... BUT I said it wasn't something we could really think about or worry about right now. Rehab says sobriety has to come before everything else ... if marriage gets put before sobriety, then sobriety is in jeopardy of being lost. So my thinking is stay in the house for now and focus on sobriety. We worry about the marriage down the road. Right now we parent our two girls and we live in the house together - albeit continuing as roomies. Whether the marriage survives or not we won't know.
I felt better after finally talking with him. I thought he did too. Then the next day came (yesterday) .... basically I got the cold shoulder anytime he was around - which wasn't much as he left the house for a good portion of it. Then last night he had his aa meeting and didn't come home until after 10:30 when I was already in bed. When I got up this morning at 7:30 to get the girls ready for school his bed was made and he was already gone. he hasn't been home since. I have no idea where he went or what he is doing. Unfortunately I always worry ... I think about him contemplating suicide again or if he is out drinking. This is always the conclusion I jump to - and I think it always will be.
I had previously talked about an EA I had been in with hubby's sgt. I know it wasn't right and I got some flack here for it, but it happened and I feel badly for it. Sadly sgt and I didn't stop contact back when I originally posted about it ... but we hadn't been talking like we had been prior to that. We really only chatted normal chat ... he listened to my problems and we talked a lot about hubby's return from rehab and such. I never fully let go of my feelings for him though ... and when the stress was getting to me with hubby's return and my depression was diagnosed I became somewhat irrational texting often and really trying hard to reignite things. Of course it didn't work and I was rebuffed ... now it is no contact at all ... and I am struggling with that as I did fall for him. He was also my listening ear and closest confidante ... so I have lost that too. I am not going to contact him anymore ... but it is so very hard when he has been a constant in my life.
Anyways ... long story here ... I don't know that I am asking for any advice ... I just had to share what is going on. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I have not been to Alanon - I am honestly not sure I want to go. The meetings here are not good in our schedule - they happen at the same time later at night as hubbys AA meetings so I cant leave my girls home alone at that time of night. I honestly don't know that I have an interest in learning about it all. I don't know that I want to live with all of this focus on sobriety. I don't know that he wont relapse in a week, a month, a year or ten years and we will go through all of this all over again. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't know that it ever will come back ... it has been gone for so very long. I have spent most of yesterday crying and again today ... I cant seem to get myself going. My eyes are so puffy and I look like something the cat would drag in
He is sleeping in the spare room right now as was the plan when he returned. It was very awkward at first. I am battling depression right now and I, after feeling so much awkwardness and distance, put up a wall around me and was very hesitant to talk much with him. I was also thinking I was giving him his space.
While he was gone I got in the habit of heading to bed earlier (usually I am a nighthawk) and I have continued with this since he came home. Of course that means I am usually heading up to bed when he gets home from his meeting (around 9:30pm). The other night he came up and asked me why I head to bed as soon as he gets home and said he feels like I don't even want to be around him. So after he went downstairs I eventually decided I needed to go down and talk with him. So we actually talked. I talked about how it felt when he left, how I'd changed while he was gone. I talked about how we have been roomies for years and years and that I can't live like that anymore. There is no spark in our relationship for me at all ... it has been dead in the water on that side of things for years sadly. I talked about how the smoking bothers me - the listening to him cough and hack, the smell, the cost, etc. I talked about the resentment and anger I had building up throughout the summer and into the fall when I was doing every single thing around this house with no help with the kids or anything. At that time I was already thinking it would be easier to be on my own ... and then when everything happened in November and he went to rehab in December it confirmed to me that living on my own wasn't so awful. So we talked about the possibility of separating ... BUT I said it wasn't something we could really think about or worry about right now. Rehab says sobriety has to come before everything else ... if marriage gets put before sobriety, then sobriety is in jeopardy of being lost. So my thinking is stay in the house for now and focus on sobriety. We worry about the marriage down the road. Right now we parent our two girls and we live in the house together - albeit continuing as roomies. Whether the marriage survives or not we won't know.
I felt better after finally talking with him. I thought he did too. Then the next day came (yesterday) .... basically I got the cold shoulder anytime he was around - which wasn't much as he left the house for a good portion of it. Then last night he had his aa meeting and didn't come home until after 10:30 when I was already in bed. When I got up this morning at 7:30 to get the girls ready for school his bed was made and he was already gone. he hasn't been home since. I have no idea where he went or what he is doing. Unfortunately I always worry ... I think about him contemplating suicide again or if he is out drinking. This is always the conclusion I jump to - and I think it always will be.
I had previously talked about an EA I had been in with hubby's sgt. I know it wasn't right and I got some flack here for it, but it happened and I feel badly for it. Sadly sgt and I didn't stop contact back when I originally posted about it ... but we hadn't been talking like we had been prior to that. We really only chatted normal chat ... he listened to my problems and we talked a lot about hubby's return from rehab and such. I never fully let go of my feelings for him though ... and when the stress was getting to me with hubby's return and my depression was diagnosed I became somewhat irrational texting often and really trying hard to reignite things. Of course it didn't work and I was rebuffed ... now it is no contact at all ... and I am struggling with that as I did fall for him. He was also my listening ear and closest confidante ... so I have lost that too. I am not going to contact him anymore ... but it is so very hard when he has been a constant in my life.
Anyways ... long story here ... I don't know that I am asking for any advice ... I just had to share what is going on. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I have not been to Alanon - I am honestly not sure I want to go. The meetings here are not good in our schedule - they happen at the same time later at night as hubbys AA meetings so I cant leave my girls home alone at that time of night. I honestly don't know that I have an interest in learning about it all. I don't know that I want to live with all of this focus on sobriety. I don't know that he wont relapse in a week, a month, a year or ten years and we will go through all of this all over again. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't know that it ever will come back ... it has been gone for so very long. I have spent most of yesterday crying and again today ... I cant seem to get myself going. My eyes are so puffy and I look like something the cat would drag in
Good For You. Means your emotions are working well. Your best thinking is not working for you.
That could maybe be a first indicator to you that what you are doing is not working.
Super. Really. That is Super.
If I hit the highlights they are:
Hubby is working HIS Program.
and YOU are NOT.
and still chatting with Sgt? You know what Alanon told me? IF I were chatting with MY SPONSOR, I would NOT be chatting about my/our problems with (fill in the blank).
But wait a second. You do not have a Sponsor because you are not working the Program.
Well, keep it up. Sounds like a Fine Misery Stew you are cooking.
Eventually you will get Sick of Being Sick, as well, and perhaps work YOUR Program. But I fully get your path is your own. I had to get REAL Miserable, too, and even lose our house before I did.
Perhaps you will be smarter than I was.
But either way, the Ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
I know I'm not working the program - can't seem to get myself to head to an Alanon meeting. I'm not sure I want to.
I am going to therapy - and while I am there and the day I am there I feel better but then all the doubt creeps back in and it seems to disappear until the next session.
I rehash things endlessly ... I know my friends are tired of hearing from me. It is like I am completely stuck in some sort of rut ... likely why my sgt friend got tired of me ... I became somewhat irrational, desperately trying to remind me of what we "had" ... that just isn't me - I'm usually strong, I'm educated and I am a professional woman ... I just feel lost right now and that I'm at some sort of breaking point.
The thought of staying in this marriage is awful.
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
I am going to therapy - and while I am there and the day I am there I feel better but then all the doubt creeps back in and it seems to disappear until the next session.
I rehash things endlessly ... I know my friends are tired of hearing from me. It is like I am completely stuck in some sort of rut ... likely why my sgt friend got tired of me ... I became somewhat irrational, desperately trying to remind me of what we "had" ... that just isn't me - I'm usually strong, I'm educated and I am a professional woman ... I just feel lost right now and that I'm at some sort of breaking point.
The thought of staying in this marriage is awful.
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by kdjom
I know I'm not working the program - can't seem to get myself to head to an Alanon meeting. I'm not sure I want to.
But you follow that probably NONE of us wanted to go to Alanon to start with? Actually I went once, some years before Mrs. Hammer's relapse -- just because folks said I should (she had been in AA for about 5 years, at that point), and it made no sense to me. Some goofy guy -- probably about like me, now -- going over the 3 C's with me. I just figured -- Ummm, Yeah, Whatever.
But after she relapsed . . . it made a WHOLE lot of sense. But like you, I still did not WANT to go. I could only handle one meeting a week (just totally exhausting), and I sort of figured the folks there were a little crazy. Maybe they were -- I was, but just could not acknowledge that part.
I am going to therapy - and while I am there and the day I am there I feel better but then all the doubt creeps back in and it seems to disappear until the next session.
I rehash things endlessly ... I know my friends are tired of hearing from me. It is like I am completely stuck in some sort of rut ... likely why my sgt friend got tired of me ... I became somewhat irrational, desperately trying to remind me of what we "had" ... that just isn't me - I'm usually strong, I'm educated and I am a professional woman ... I just feel lost right now and that I'm at some sort of breaking point.
Turns out the Program is NOT about smarts, nor barely even the emotions. It is a Spiritual Based Program. You are smart -- Do you follow what that means?
The thought of staying in this marriage is awful.
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
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Originally Posted by kdjom
I am going to therapy - and while I am there and the day I am there I feel better but then all the doubt creeps back in and it seems to disappear until the next session.
Originally Posted by kdjom
The thought of staying in this marriage is awful.
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
The thought of leaving my marriage is overwhelming.
I don't know anymore what to do ...
In my case, we are divorcing. It is overwhelming but a little less so every day. He finally moved out this weekend. It was really rough, but I'm feeling stronger and healthier again. The moments of doubt are less frequent and less intense. The majority of the time, I feel very strongly that I am on the right path. I just keep praying for my HP/God's will, not my own.I'm not advocating divorce. I know there are people whose marriages were restored when their A found recovery. Mine is still drinking so that is not an option for us. I just really think that our recoveries are as important as the As. Actually, more so because only we have the power to make ourselves happy.
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Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm sorry you're feeling so lost. I have to say, alanon is not the only method of recovery although it has been very helpful for many. It's not for me either, but I am doing therapy and utilizing this board a ton and between those two things I am making progress. Try to go easy on yourself and take things a little slower. You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage right this second. Just get through one day at a time. 
Think about what you want out of life. Once you figure that out you'll have a better idea of what your next steps should be.
Sending you a big hug. You're not alone.
Think about what you want out of life. Once you figure that out you'll have a better idea of what your next steps should be. Sending you a big hug. You're not alone.
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Posts: 10
I was almost exactly were you are in my marriage except I was drinking with my hubby. I quit first which made it very very hard to watch him continue to drink in front of me. We did not go the AA route. I just had enough and decided to change and lead by example and he began to see how happy I was and how miserable he was. My mother said it best..it's almost like your husband is mourning a death. It was his and your life style for so long it's hard to get back to that normal sparked up sexy relationship we once had. Life just seemed boring if we were not drinking. First of all, do you love your husband? What made you fall in love with him? I don't know how long you have been married, but it sounds like long enough to know you love this man. If you really wanted to be gone you would have by now. This is just my opinion, everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Getting into a relationship with another man right now only will satisfy yourself temporarily. Sorry but your not thinking about your kids or husband sounds like you do not want to put in any effort on your side? He did his time in rehab now let him be sad or mad or cold for a while. This is expected. Put him back into your bed every night even if you don't feel like it, just do it. Give him that sexy woman he fell in love with years ago. Get a babysitter and make time for the 2 of you. Take charge of this situation even if you do not feel like it. Fake it till you make it. I promise you, if you love this man things will come back. Distance and telling your friends personal problems is not the answer. Do everything you can as long as he is working on his part and I promise you the love and fire can come back!!! Please just don't give up before giving it your all. Much love your way!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by kdjom
I know I'm not working the program - can't seem to get myself to head to an Alanon meeting. I'm not sure I want to.
Like Stung already mentioned, Alanon is not the only way to work a program. (although it does seem to do amazing things for the people that DO benefit from it, there's no denying that!)
To me, working a program means putting my recovery on the top of my priority list and making healthy changes in my life slowly but surely as I uncover, define & correct dysfunction in my world.
With all due repect, you seem to prefer to be stuck in your Old World for right now & that's OK as long as you realize that nothing is going to change until YOU start changing. You may wake up one day & find that by sticking to your old patterns that your RAH got healthy by working a program & yet you continued to stay sick, tipping the dynamic in the opposite direction. Therapy is great & often necessary, but it isn't always enough (as you are seeing). There is a lot of time between appointments & a lot of growing that you have to do on your own to make it successful.
IMO your issues with cutting ties with your husband's Sgt speaks volumes - you are still seeking approval, love & validation outside of yourself. What if he hadn't rebuffed your recent advances? Would you put the time into pursuing a new relationship before you've even decided how you feel about your marriage? Is that fair to any of you? Are you saying that you are OK with your marriage failing so long as you have someone waiting in the wings to fill that space? I'm not judging you, honestly. You don't have to answer any of this here, just food for thought.
You don't have to decide everything today, but you can't sit on the fence forever martyring yourself either. There's no way around it - recovery is HARD WORK for everyone involved... in a way, it's harder than dealing with active addiction. I know you expect to be at "the end" of the process after rehab, but it is really just the very beginning in many, many ways. JMHO, no offense intended.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Stung
I'm sorry you're feeling so lost. I have to say, alanon is not the only method of recovery although it has been very helpful for many. It's not for me either, but I am doing therapy and utilizing this board a ton and between those two things I am making progress. Try to go easy on yourself and take things a little slower. You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage right this second. Just get through one day at a time. Think about what you want out of life. Once you figure that out you'll have a better idea of what your next steps should be.
Sending you a big hug. You're not alone.
Think about what you want out of life. Once you figure that out you'll have a better idea of what your next steps should be. Sending you a big hug. You're not alone.
Not getting many of those these days!I know I don't need to make decisions now and try to take it one day at a time. It is just so difficult when he withdraws after actually opening up about how I am feeling ... I do understand it, but it still hurts too.
Time always helps ... patience has never been my best quality
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by nice2nou
First of all, do you love your husband? What made you fall in love with him? I don't know how long you have been married, but it sounds like long enough to know you love this man. If you really wanted to be gone you would have by now. This is just my opinion, everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Getting into a relationship with another man right now only will satisfy yourself temporarily. Sorry but your not thinking about your kids or husband sounds like you do not want to put in any effort on your side? He did his time in rehab now let him be sad or mad or cold for a while. This is expected. Put him back into your bed every night even if you don't feel like it, just do it. Give him that sexy woman he fell in love with years ago. Get a babysitter and make time for the 2 of you. Take charge of this situation even if you do not feel like it. Fake it till you make it. I promise you, if you love this man things will come back. Distance and telling your friends personal problems is not the answer. Do everything you can as long as he is working on his part and I promise you the love and fire can come back!!! Please just don't give up before giving it your all. Much love your way!
I do love my husband, but there isn't that spark or that 'in love' feeling kwim? I care about him and want him healthy for his sake and for the girls' sake. I don't know what made me fall in love with him ... I know he was/is a good guy, was sweet, caring, made me feel special, he was a good catch I thought ... I don't really know for sure everything. We've been married for 17 years in June ... been together for 20 years as of May ... I just turned 40 this past year.
I can't fake it til I make it ... it isn't me
I know the EA wasn't right but man it felt good to hear so many wonderful things when my life really felt like it was heading down the drain. I accept that it wasn't appropriate but it sure felt right at the time. Even if hubby and I don't stay together I know that jumping into a new relationship with anyone isn't something that should happen soon after ending such a long marriage. I wish I could believe that a spark could return - but I just don't believe it can
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
With all due repect, you seem to prefer to be stuck in your Old World for right now & that's OK as long as you realize that nothing is going to change until YOU start changing. You may wake up one day & find that by sticking to your old patterns that your RAH got healthy by working a program & yet you continued to stay sick, tipping the dynamic in the opposite direction. Therapy is great & often necessary, but it isn't always enough (as you are seeing). There is a lot of time between appointments & a lot of growing that you have to do on your own to make it successful.
IMO your issues with cutting ties with your husband's Sgt speaks volumes - you are still seeking approval, love & validation outside of yourself. What if he hadn't rebuffed your recent advances? Would you put the time into pursuing a new relationship before you've even decided how you feel about your marriage? Is that fair to any of you? Are you saying that you are OK with your marriage failing so long as you have someone waiting in the wings to fill that space? I'm not judging you, honestly. You don't have to answer any of this here, just food for thought.
You don't have to decide everything today, but you can't sit on the fence forever martyring yourself either. There's no way around it - recovery is HARD WORK for everyone involved... in a way, it's harder than dealing with active addiction. I know you expect to be at "the end" of the process after rehab, but it is really just the very beginning in many, many ways. JMHO, no offense intended.
IMO your issues with cutting ties with your husband's Sgt speaks volumes - you are still seeking approval, love & validation outside of yourself. What if he hadn't rebuffed your recent advances? Would you put the time into pursuing a new relationship before you've even decided how you feel about your marriage? Is that fair to any of you? Are you saying that you are OK with your marriage failing so long as you have someone waiting in the wings to fill that space? I'm not judging you, honestly. You don't have to answer any of this here, just food for thought.
You don't have to decide everything today, but you can't sit on the fence forever martyring yourself either. There's no way around it - recovery is HARD WORK for everyone involved... in a way, it's harder than dealing with active addiction. I know you expect to be at "the end" of the process after rehab, but it is really just the very beginning in many, many ways. JMHO, no offense intended.
I know getting involved with sgt wasn't a good thing - although it made me realize what i feel like I have been missing in my life - the fact that I felt desired when I haven't felt that in eons was awesome. Maybe I am looking for love and validation ... I don't really know. I know it wasn't fair to my husband and thankfully we didn't lead to a physical affair - I was willing. Sgt was the one that put the brakes on every time it was a possibility. There isn't anyone waiting in the wings if my marriage fails ... sgt has a gf and he says he loves her too much to ever hurt her by cheating on her. I can't fault him for that.
I am not offended at all. I accept full responsibility. I know sometimes it feels easier to sit a wallow in our sorrows ... but I know that isn't good for me or for my kids. I have had two days of good solid crying ... I've had about enough of it. My eyes are all puffy and my head hurts. I went out for tea tonight with a gf and it was so nice to talk with her about everything. She is going through a separation and potential divorce after over 20 years. We commiserated on our lovely lives ... felt good to share it with someone
Thanks for your thoughts ... sometimes we need an opinion of someone who isn't emotionally involved in our worlds
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