Why did I do it?

Old 02-19-2014, 05:26 AM
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Why did I do it?

I screwed up horribly. I'm a mess.

I let him come over. He said he just needed to apologize for all he's done and to be honest, I needed to, no, I WANTED to, hear him say he was sorry. I thought I would be strong enough not to go back and that at this point I could just listen and find the closure I was so desperately needing. Wrong. So, so wrong. And I'm lying... I knew I wasn't strong enough and yet I still let it happen. I wanted the pain to stop.

He said "we need to fix this baby, I am so sorry for everything I've done to you and we need to fix this"... he was so heartbroken too. And I caved. And I hate myself more than hate right now.

He said everything I ever wanted to hear from him - he's so sorry, he loves me, he's a better person when he's with me, I'm exactly what he needs, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, let's get married, let's have a baby, marry me, I don't want to live without you. He begged me to never leave him again. It's all I've ever wanted to hear out of his mouth and yet, while I know that he meant it when he was saying it, I also know that it can never be that way. And to make matters worse, I also know, although he denies it, that he was drinking.

We can't have a baby. I would never bring a baby into this knowing what I do about the extent of his drinking. I WANT to believe that he'd stop if that were to happen, but he CAN'T stop. I want to believe that we'd have the best marriage in the world, but we wouldn't. It would be all of this, pain but worse.

What did I just do to myself? Why am I prolonging the agony which is him and I. We can't have a relationship. He's an alcoholic and a bad one at that. He said he'd never be perfect, but he was going to do everything he could to be the guy I deserved. I know better than to believe it, but yet, this pull inside of my destroyed heart begged me to believe him to relieve the pain that seems never ending. But, the pain is still there. And now it's worse because I know it's only a matter of time before I'm right back where I started. To be honest, I'm there now already because I know the train is coming down the track full speed and the collision will come at any minute.

That night and the next few day, he was great. Even the 2nd day. But, we're already heading back to where we were. Partly my fault because I'm an insecure, untrusting little girl that panics the moment I don't hear from him and start falling apart in my head. But, he's the same way. The difference is that when he does it, I comfort him and tell him he has nothing to worry about. When I do it, he tells me I need to calm down and I end up apologizing in the end. I always end up apologizing. Why do I apologize even when he's clearly wrong - and he lets me.

I know he can't stick to what he says. I know that he turns me into an insecure disaster of a person. I had an awful day at work yesterday and besides an 'everything will be ok', that was it. He went home, went into his room and drank. I know he did. I really needed his support and nope, none there.

I KNOW that I will NEVER have a happy, calm, trusting relationship with him - just fleeting moments of false security & fleeting moments of relief from the pain - and yet I went back again. I WANT a happy, calm, trusting relationship with him so badly. I can't stop loving him and I don't know why.

I want to crawl into a ball and cry. Forever. Why can I never get this right? Why can I not just walk away from the pain? Because if I walk away from this pain, I just walk myself into more pain. A different pain, an 'all alone' pain, but pain all the same. Stay or go, it hurts either way.

Why can't he just stop drinking and let us be happy? WHY? Why can't I walk away when I know he can't? I know this is all wrong, and I know I'm setting myself up for the fall again and yet, I didn't stop it. The pain and terror is all consuming right now.

I'm falling apart. Going back to him feels worse and now I don't know how to get back to where I just was. God, why? I just want someone to tell me how to stop and how to be ok because I'm not. I'm just so not ok.

Why couldn't I be stronger - I was better where I was. Not talking to him hurt so badly, but this fear and the anticipation of what's guaranteed to come was not worth going back. Only now do I realize how much better off I was and how much better I was doing when I was no contact with him. And now I have to go through the hell all over again.
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Old 02-19-2014, 05:56 AM
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Hi, flipped. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It is very difficult to give up our alcoholics. I know, I'm right there with you. Mine just moved out. We are divorcing. And, yet, I find myself thinking 'what if he does x', 'what if I do y', etc, etc. I actually let him stay and watch a movie with us the other night which is stupid on so many levels... leaves dd14 with hope, leaves both boys with dread (both want their dad out of the house.) The thing is, I guess we are as addicted to our addicts as they are to their doc. When my sponsor said that, I thought 'NO WAY! I want my A out of my life. I'm ready for a new beginning.' And, yet, here I am with these stupid thoughts.

But, today is a new day and we can start over RIGHT NOW. Strengthen our resolve, seek encouragement and support from others, and work really hard on fixing the broken parts of us that allow us to stay in toxic relationships. How we go about that looks different for all of us, but for me, it means learning about alcoholism & codependency, reading/posting here at SR, attending alanon/working through the steps, and going to counseling, and paying close attention to my thoughts. We do have the power to change how we think. It takes work, but we can do it

Hugs, flipped. I know it's difficult.
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:18 AM
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Dearest Flipped.....you ask "why". Why is the pain so powerful that you feel you can't resist the pull.......well, a large part of it is biologic. When we invest a large part of ourselves in the ones who are intimate in our lives----very strong bonds are formed...that is the way we were created and powerful hormones help this process along. It is how nature arranges for us to survive and pass along our genes. The survival of the species.

hen these bonds are interrupted---very painful feelings arise. Similar to the very young who are threatened with abandonment by their caregiver.

Right now--these painful feelings are normal. Of course, it feels like you will "die" without him.......BUT, YOU WON'T!! You will go through a necessary period of grieving, though. You will cry lots and you will hurt for a while. It is necessary for you to understand this.

This will not last forever. It is short-term pain for long-term gain.

You are soooo correct about one thing. You need to maintain the n o contact and keep your detachment from him. That is the shortest way to heal. Everytime you go running into his arms---you are just opening the wound up again. You seem to have already figured this much out......LOL......and, good for you!

Keep posting...you are going to work through this. You might want to get the book: From Abandonment to Healing"......it will explain so much and I believe it will help you a l ot. You can get it cheaply from Amazon.com if you get a used one.

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Old 02-19-2014, 06:20 AM
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I, too feel your pain, flipped. Tried divorce 12 years ago, but AH said he'd stay sober. NOT. Now, after bankruptcy, threatened suicide, etc, etc., he is out of house for 15 months. I let him back once at the beginning and was afraid I'd never get him to leave. Now trying to settle divorce he is once again trying to weasel his way back and is furious that I will not let him on the property without law enforcement present. We do get addicted to the chaos and it is hard to break the bond. Once broken, freedom is wonderful and I have to wonder how I made it so long in an abusive alcoholic life. I am getting to know me and it is pretty awesome. Hang in there and think forward. Life on the other side is worth living----and there is happiness to be found.
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:32 AM
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Flipped, It appears you are currently beating yourself up.

The drinking problem is his, your emotional health and stability are yours. Only you can address the reason why you feel you need this guy to complete you. This is now about you.

Best I can offer, figure out why you are so consumed with an unavailable partner. You clearly know what you value in a relationship, and this guy obviously does not possess those qualities.

It would be very unhealthy to spend your life in a one sided relationship. You will give, give, give, and he will take, take, take, until he uses you all up.

Break ups are painful. But somewhere in all this turmoil, there is a very valuable life learning lesson. Powers greater than you and I are leading you in a new direction.

This guy is not your salvation, he does not hold the key to your personal inner joy, or everlasting happiness. It was never his job to make you feel complete and whole, that my friend is your responsibility. It appears you gave your power away, and the time has come for you to reclaim yourself.

I do not know your age, but I am guessing you are young, full of life, and passion. There is a whole wide world out there for you to explore, embrace, and enjoy.

Here is a thought, today belongs to you. Just for today, embrace you. Do something healthy for yourself. Do something that your future self will be thanking you for. You just need to believe in yourself a bit.

Keep expressing yourself, it really helps to get it all out.

You are not alone, we understand.
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:35 AM
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it sounds like you are trying to AVOID pain at all costs....you look to him for some relief and get it in teensy bits....table scraps. you BELIEVE that leaving will cause MORE pain but you know that staying will also bring pain.

pain is unavoidable, suffering however is optional. breakups hurt....for awhile. however WE have a choice to how long we wallow in misery and make it way more difficult than it needs be.

what have you learned? that "I'm Sorry, blah blah blah" isn't the soothing balm you hoped. that words change nothing. that anyone can "behave" for a couple days......but then most revert to standard operating procedures.

now you know HE can't MAKE you better, happy, content. but guess who can????? come on, guess......
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:38 AM
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First of all, HUGE HUGS to you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Secondly, please stop beating yourself up. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're only human. Everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Most people are afraid of being alone. Connections with others are one of the most important keys to happiness. It's just that POSITIVE people and relationships are what you need in your life. I'm sorry this is happening. Remember that you ARE strong and you deserve better. Keep posting. You will get through it. xoxoxo
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:55 AM
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I have done this to myself numerous times. They know what we need to hear, how to convince us because we sooooo want to believe them. They know how to play the game, its up to us whether they win or lose. Right now I am in this mess once again. Took the kids and left on Saturday. He has been pretty good for past month or so, but I left anyway. I know what is coming. He is playing the game now, telling me how much he loves me and once we are financially out of the hole that things will be better. He wants to spoil me again, do things as a family, etc,etc,etc. He has had 13 yrs to do this!!!!! Why is this time any different than the other times I left????? It is very hard to let them go, and I'm hoping I can stick to my guns this time, not for me but my kids. I know I will always love this man, but I need to remember that life with him is not pleasant for anyone. Keep your chin up and know that you are not alone. You do not need or deserve that behavior from anyone!!!!
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Old 02-19-2014, 08:04 AM
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pain is unavoidable, suffering however is optional. breakups hurt....for awhile. however WE have a choice to how long we wallow in misery and make it way more difficult than it needs be.
It may sound harsh but it's the truth.
I won't lie. Leaving, divorcing, haggling in courts was very much a circle of hell.
But for me, staying would have been, too.
It's all a matter of what's best in the long run, right?

Someone talked to me about breaking up/divorcing as sort of what doctors have to do when you've got a broken bone that's grown together wrong: Sometimes, they have to physically break it again to put it back together right. It hurts like a mofo, but the end result is better. If you just let it be, you'll have a limp for life.

Lots of hugs to you. Stop beating yourself up. When we know better, we do better.
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Old 02-19-2014, 08:12 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. Both sides of the street of addiction suck. Prayers to you Honey!
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:10 AM
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I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you. Don't feel sorry for yourself, we have all done what you've done many times. That love they give us is so strong and so needing that it's hard to want to let it go. We develop a very codependent relationship with them, and until you start focusing on your issues (which sadly we all have), you will keep going back to him.

I don't doubt he meant everything he said to you. I've heard the same thing over and over again from my exabf and I stayed with him every single time. I trusted he'd get clean and we'd get married and have babies, and the sad part was he finally was clean and sober and working a program, and he ended up dumping me in the end anyway. Which in the end hurts a million times more than if I would of just left when he was using.

But everything happens for a reason, and for me personally, I always told myself I didn't want our relationship to end just because of his addiction, and I guess I got what I wanted, but I also never thought it was going to end.

You'll be okay. you don't have to break up with him, only you can decide that. But maybe try an al anon meeting. They help me every time I need something. they understand what you're going through. and through it you learn to make decisions that benefit you in the end even if it causes pain and heart ache at that time. God bless
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:13 AM
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Deep breaths Flipped! It will be ok in the looooong ruuun... you know why I say that? Because you full well recognize everything that's gone down, is going down, and will go down. He caught you in a moment of weakness and probably that was his plan all along. That doesn't mean you're stuck by any means! You should work on YOU. Concentrate of friends and activities to help yourself not be lonely. Keep chanting "I don't need a man right now to make me feel whole". You've just slipped back in to a rut with this man. He is not the one for you. Be glad you aren't tied down in a marriage with kids at this point. Hang in there, we are here for you.
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
Only now do I realize how much better off I was and how much better I was doing when I was no contact with him.
Despite the pain you're now facing, perhaps this IS exactly what you needed to move on. Sending you strength and <<hugs>>
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:54 AM
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In my experience slow down the thought process. One minute at a time.. What are you doing in this very minute, not what needs to be done, if it doesn't get done etc etc.
Right now at this second where are you and what are you doing.
I've learned fighting against the grain hurts. You don't have to have to do anything at the very second just what are you doing at this second. Then go to the next minute and next.
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Old 02-19-2014, 12:19 PM
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My heart just tore a little reading your post, and now I am in tears for you. I am sorry, I truly feel your pain. I went through the same things, same words, (the wanting a baby really got to me and still hurts even though omg not a good idea with him at all) the last time I took mine back, and it all went to **** again later, as you know. In a way I envy you, because he said such loving things to you and oh how I long to hear such things from mine, to know that he actually gives a rats ass about me, then I snap back to reality and it hits me. It would just go back to ugly again, mine doesn't care because he is incapable and totally devoted to that bottle of vodka, and it would be hella difficult to get him to leave again when it gets bad. Because it would. Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. Keep your head on straight as you can while your heart is so fragile.
In my lowly opinion "all alone" pain is way better in the long run.
They say "the anticipation of death is worse than death itself", I think its a Japanese proverb or something. Your fear of the inevitable is worse than the actual inevitable. You survived it once, honey, and this time round you know more, you have battle scars on your heart that make you stronger, wiser than you were last time. Don't build it up into something its not before it happens because then you get a self fulfilling prophecy. You WILL survive this and come out the other side stronger. If you cannot picture yourself living with this sort of love and life for the rest of your life, then don't, and don't put yourself through hell for not wanting to.
I don't know how to stop loving mine, either, so if you figure out how, please let me know.
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Old 02-19-2014, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Ofelie View Post
In a way I envy you, because he said such loving things to you and oh how I long to hear such things from mine, to know that he actually gives a rats ass about me, then I snap back to reality and it hits me. It would just go back to ugly again
He said those things, but I know he was drinking. And nothing so kind has been said since except "I meant everything I said. I'm not perfect, but I'm going to try to be the guy you deserve". He was home again drinking last night. Or he didn't and he's nasty because of it. I'm not quite sure which yet. He seems to be shut off again since last night. He gives it to me, yanks it away, gives it, yanks it away.

I want to believe those words, but I can't. I want to believe he meant what he said, but honestly, how do you say it with tears in your eyes and with such meaning 'at the time' and then go back to acting like this.

I feel like he's intentionally torturing me sometimes. I'm left completely tormented because those are the only words I wanted to hear and he gave them to me, but he gave them and then seems to be yanking them back again.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but sometimes I think he wants to see me broken. I'm barely keeping my head above water with work and things at home and I know I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to step off this damn merry-go-round either. It literally feels like I'm tearing apart inside, that is how much it hurts. I've managed to do nothing, all day, except cry my eyes out. I'm ok for a little bit and then just break down in tears again. It's those choke you, caught in your throat kind of sobs that make you know, just know that you're breaking into small pieces.

I've never felt such crushing pain. I just want it to stop and it won't. Together or not together, it isn't stopping.
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Old 02-19-2014, 02:09 PM
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that crushing pain you're feeling is the grief you're feeling of losing someone you truly love. It's a powerful feeling and it will be like that for a while. But be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. My sponsor always tells me that it's okay to feel the emotions, but don't call yourself stupid of dumb for making the choices you made, just have faith in yourself.

Cry your eyes as much as you want, and then pick yourself back up and pray for guidance and do something you like to do. Go hang out with some friends, and just try to enjoy something for you that day. It will be hard, believe it's still hard about a month of being broken up, but you just have to believe that you'll get better and deserve to be happy without him.

My sponsor always said, try imagining a life without your significant other, and what do you see and what do you want out of it.
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Old 02-19-2014, 02:26 PM
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Flipped--Graceandbeauty is right. This intense pain and the sobbing crying are normal and to be expected with this kind of pain. This is intense grieving and the way to get past it is through it. No other way. This is the "wailing wall" phase of the grief. The tears actually contain stress hormones that your body is riding itself of. This is natures way of releasing the pain from your body.

You need to be in the presence of other people, right now---that are compassionate and sympathetic to your situation.

(please re-read my first post to you).

It will not always be this way. You will get through this. The sun is going to shine, again--I promise.

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Old 02-19-2014, 05:39 PM
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I don't think any of my friends are sympathetic or compassionate towards this situation. They all dislike him and not a single one of them understands why I keep doing this with him. I can't even understand it, so I guess I really don't expect them to understand something that I can't even understand. I won't even bring the topic of him up with them anymore. I can't blame them for just telling me to walk away and cut it off.

I tried to talk to my mom. My mom's been a full blown alcoholic since I can remember. Prescription drugs, illegal drugs at one point and just messy, but I figured if anyone should just listen and let me cry it out, it should be her. God knows I was there for that woman through hell and back, and back again, and again and again. Nope, I should have known better. She's just basically irritated and disgusted that I don't just cut my losses and walk away.

She said I'm too soft. She told me how I need to just cut people off when they no longer suit my needs and walk away. She's so good at that. So good in fact that she did it to me when I was 4 and again when I was 15. She just left me with my grandparents (and I wish she left me there permanently) when I was 4 and with my step-father at 15 so she could be with her alcoholic, abusive new boyfriend. She wouldn't even tell me where she was or how to reach her. I just came home from school to a house that was empty - she took everything. Every last thing she could take, she took. Dishes, utensils, TV's, furniture and even the phone off of the wall. I didn't hear from her for over 1 and 1/2 years.

She can't understand why I can't let go of people in my life and why I'm so desperate to fix everything for the people I care about? How the HELL can't she understand? Maybe because I had to accept every horrible, God awful, rotten thing she did to me my entire life and nothing was ever good enough for her? At least it wasn't good enough to keep her around for any length of time. Ugh, I'm so hurt and confused as to how she doesn't understand this. I wanted to scream at her that I'm like this because of HER, but I can't. I can't hurt her. I want to hurt her, I want to tell her I'm such a disaster because of her, but I just can't do it to her. I just want her to understand for once, or at least try. Just once, that's all. She's just so completely incapable of feeling anything for me. She had me very young and I think she holds a lot of contempt toward me because of that.

I've gone from searing pain to complete numbness. After my conversation with her (or, more like her expressing her disdain at my inability to just turn my feelings off like she can, it was never an actual conversation), I just feel numb. Nobody can shut my entire being down like she can. Numb feels much better than the pain though. And I feel pretty stupid - like she thinks I'm some kind of moron that can't control her emotions as well as my she can. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't end up an alcoholic or drug addicted. I really, really wonder. Why can't I be angry with her? Why is anger towards her so impossible for me to muster up? Am I angry inside and I just can't reach it? Any normal human being would be angry at her, no?

Funny how all of these thoughts, which should probably be feelings, are popping into my head when I feel completely numb to them. I see them, but between my ABF and my mom, I'm just so unfeeling right now. Like I literally feel nothing. Not sad, not angry, not hurt, no pain.... just beat down and a lot of nothingness.

I hope my poor therapist knows what kind of work lies ahead of her. The poor woman. She'll probably need therapy when she's done with me. :/
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Old 02-19-2014, 05:45 PM
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And thank you to each of you that replied. I've read every single reply and you're such an amazing group of people. I just pray that one day, if I ever make it through to the other side, I can give as much comfort and help as all of you have given to me through your words. The compassion & support really means so much.
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