Acceptance
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
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Acceptance
Accepting my disease of alcoholism has been the hardest thing to do, in my life to date.
It's crazy, I think back to when I was 13 years old, and just starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol. The thought that I would "grow up to be an alcoholic" never once crossed my mind. I knew (or thought I knew) that some day I would just grow up and decide to stop partying, drinking, etc. I would get my sh** together - because I'm a smart, determined, motivated young woman, and I would move on to the next stage in my life. I assumed I would mature, get married, have kids, have a great career, be happy and emotionally/mentally stable. A functioning individual of society, like my parents.
It's difficult to recognize that you are an "abnormal drinker" when you've only ever experienced "abnormal drinking" firsthand, and when you surround yourself with other, young, heavy drinkers (who may or may not be alcoholics, but appear to be experiencing the same type as drinking as you).
I believe I was an alcoholic from the first drunk. I won't ever forget it. Some older boys somehow got their hands on a 60 of Bacardi 151. I took a sip. Took another. Liked the way it started to make me feel. Next thing you know, I remember slamming it out of the bottle - literally chugging it - to the amazement of all of these older boys. "WOW - I've never seen a girl drink like that!!!" and it felt great. I felt alive and I loved it. Never mind that a couple of hours later they had to drag me home to my friend's mom's house, vomitting uncontrollably and umm - unable to contain my bodily functions :O:O???? Overall, the next day, I felt it was worth it. And I couldn't wait to do it again.
I think that is a good demonstration of the insanity of this disease when it takes hold. We remember the good and forget the bad. Our own brains lie to us - tell us how the rush of dopeamine and adrenalline which accompanies a drink is worth any of the consequences we ultimately suffer as a result. It's just not true. I have no experience as a "normal drinker" but I don't think they feel the same way.
I think if I were to ask a normal drinker… "What would you do, if the next time you had a glass of wine, you blacked out, got in your vehicle, crashed your car and left the scene of the accident. You woke up the next morning and didn’t remember a thing, but you had cuts and bruises all over your body and you were half naked with some random stranger in your bed." (This may sound extreme but for many of us - probably not!!!)…. anyways if I were to ask a "normal drinker" this question. They would probably say "Wow. I don't know. I would probably not drink again." Or maybe they would say "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!".
So let's take the person who says "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!". I say "OKAY - so next time, you only have one glass of wine. And the same thing happens. Now what?". I can pretty much GUARANTEE that this normal drinker will just say "I would never drink again!!!" And here's the kicker - they actually WOULDN'T.
But my brain works completely different from this person. I don't understand this person. I have BEEN in these situations and continued to drink, over and over again. Repeating the same action and expecting a different result. When it comes to alcohol - I am completely insane.
Likewise, the "normal drinker" doesn't understand me - or how my brain reacts to alcohol.
In any case. Back to acceptance. The Big Book says that it is the "great obsession of every alcoholic that he will some day control AND enjoy is drinking". I can certainly relate to this. That has been my great obsession and my number one problem for the last 7 years. I can't seem to let this thought go - that some day, some how, I will beat this thing. I will find a way to control my drinking - even slightly.
But every time, alcohol beats me down. It is my master. I take the first drink and the second drink takes me. And then the third, the fourth, and every drink thereafter.
How much EASIER would it be to just "give up". To just say - OKAY alcohol. You have me defeated. You won. I'm done, my white flag is raised.
When I think of it as a battle - me and alcohol - I think of it as stepping in the ring with a 20 foot tall monster every time I take that first drink. I get in the ring and I get beat down. Again and again. But I keep getting back in that ring. I am beaten to a pulp. I am emotionally, physically and mentally destroyed. Sometimes I stay out of the ring for a few days, but then I always get back in. How crazy? Why would one do that? Just stay out of the friggin ring and give up already!!!!!!!
In surrendering, we actually take back our strength, while that may seem contradictory. If I stay out of that damn ring I can function like a normal human being and stop getting beaten down constantly.
By accepting we can no longer drink again, accepting we are alcoholics, we surrender and we can move on. Acceptance is the answer. Surrender is the answer.
Back on day 2 and grateful to be sober today.
It's crazy, I think back to when I was 13 years old, and just starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol. The thought that I would "grow up to be an alcoholic" never once crossed my mind. I knew (or thought I knew) that some day I would just grow up and decide to stop partying, drinking, etc. I would get my sh** together - because I'm a smart, determined, motivated young woman, and I would move on to the next stage in my life. I assumed I would mature, get married, have kids, have a great career, be happy and emotionally/mentally stable. A functioning individual of society, like my parents.
It's difficult to recognize that you are an "abnormal drinker" when you've only ever experienced "abnormal drinking" firsthand, and when you surround yourself with other, young, heavy drinkers (who may or may not be alcoholics, but appear to be experiencing the same type as drinking as you).
I believe I was an alcoholic from the first drunk. I won't ever forget it. Some older boys somehow got their hands on a 60 of Bacardi 151. I took a sip. Took another. Liked the way it started to make me feel. Next thing you know, I remember slamming it out of the bottle - literally chugging it - to the amazement of all of these older boys. "WOW - I've never seen a girl drink like that!!!" and it felt great. I felt alive and I loved it. Never mind that a couple of hours later they had to drag me home to my friend's mom's house, vomitting uncontrollably and umm - unable to contain my bodily functions :O:O???? Overall, the next day, I felt it was worth it. And I couldn't wait to do it again.
I think that is a good demonstration of the insanity of this disease when it takes hold. We remember the good and forget the bad. Our own brains lie to us - tell us how the rush of dopeamine and adrenalline which accompanies a drink is worth any of the consequences we ultimately suffer as a result. It's just not true. I have no experience as a "normal drinker" but I don't think they feel the same way.
I think if I were to ask a normal drinker… "What would you do, if the next time you had a glass of wine, you blacked out, got in your vehicle, crashed your car and left the scene of the accident. You woke up the next morning and didn’t remember a thing, but you had cuts and bruises all over your body and you were half naked with some random stranger in your bed." (This may sound extreme but for many of us - probably not!!!)…. anyways if I were to ask a "normal drinker" this question. They would probably say "Wow. I don't know. I would probably not drink again." Or maybe they would say "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!".
So let's take the person who says "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!". I say "OKAY - so next time, you only have one glass of wine. And the same thing happens. Now what?". I can pretty much GUARANTEE that this normal drinker will just say "I would never drink again!!!" And here's the kicker - they actually WOULDN'T.
But my brain works completely different from this person. I don't understand this person. I have BEEN in these situations and continued to drink, over and over again. Repeating the same action and expecting a different result. When it comes to alcohol - I am completely insane.
Likewise, the "normal drinker" doesn't understand me - or how my brain reacts to alcohol.
In any case. Back to acceptance. The Big Book says that it is the "great obsession of every alcoholic that he will some day control AND enjoy is drinking". I can certainly relate to this. That has been my great obsession and my number one problem for the last 7 years. I can't seem to let this thought go - that some day, some how, I will beat this thing. I will find a way to control my drinking - even slightly.
But every time, alcohol beats me down. It is my master. I take the first drink and the second drink takes me. And then the third, the fourth, and every drink thereafter.
How much EASIER would it be to just "give up". To just say - OKAY alcohol. You have me defeated. You won. I'm done, my white flag is raised.
When I think of it as a battle - me and alcohol - I think of it as stepping in the ring with a 20 foot tall monster every time I take that first drink. I get in the ring and I get beat down. Again and again. But I keep getting back in that ring. I am beaten to a pulp. I am emotionally, physically and mentally destroyed. Sometimes I stay out of the ring for a few days, but then I always get back in. How crazy? Why would one do that? Just stay out of the friggin ring and give up already!!!!!!!
In surrendering, we actually take back our strength, while that may seem contradictory. If I stay out of that damn ring I can function like a normal human being and stop getting beaten down constantly.
By accepting we can no longer drink again, accepting we are alcoholics, we surrender and we can move on. Acceptance is the answer. Surrender is the answer.
Back on day 2 and grateful to be sober today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I think you nailed it.
If you can achieve total acceptance that you can not ever drink again. You will never have to get in the ring again and face yet again another losing battle. Take drinking of the table. Congratulations on day two. Great post.
If you can achieve total acceptance that you can not ever drink again. You will never have to get in the ring again and face yet again another losing battle. Take drinking of the table. Congratulations on day two. Great post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
. . .I believe I was an alcoholic from the first drunk. I won't ever forget it. . .
In surrendering, we actually take back our strength, while that may seem contradictory. If I stay out of that damn ring I can function like a normal human being and stop getting beaten down constantly.
By accepting we can no longer drink normally. By accepting we are alcoholics. By accepting that we can't take that first drink, we surrender and we can finally move on.
Back on day 2 and grateful to be sober today.
In surrendering, we actually take back our strength, while that may seem contradictory. If I stay out of that damn ring I can function like a normal human being and stop getting beaten down constantly.
By accepting we can no longer drink normally. By accepting we are alcoholics. By accepting that we can't take that first drink, we surrender and we can finally move on.
Back on day 2 and grateful to be sober today.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Such a fantastic post.
You sound like me. Had my first drink in middle school - whiskey straight out of the bottle. Got hammered, made a fool of myself, but decided it would be good to do again.
I'm still fighting it. I desperately *want* to be able to moderate but there is no way. I've been trying my whole life to no avail.
I'm not sure which will help me at this point: One day at a time, or accepting that I can never drink again. The latter is not easy to accept.
eta: Oh and this part really struck me as I've recently told my loved ones closest to me that I have a problem: "Likewise, the "normal drinker" doesn't understand me - or how my brain reacts to alcohol." This is so true. It is clear by what they say to me that they have absolutely zero understanding whatsoever. I kind of regret telling them since it makes no difference.
You sound like me. Had my first drink in middle school - whiskey straight out of the bottle. Got hammered, made a fool of myself, but decided it would be good to do again.
I'm still fighting it. I desperately *want* to be able to moderate but there is no way. I've been trying my whole life to no avail.
I'm not sure which will help me at this point: One day at a time, or accepting that I can never drink again. The latter is not easy to accept.
eta: Oh and this part really struck me as I've recently told my loved ones closest to me that I have a problem: "Likewise, the "normal drinker" doesn't understand me - or how my brain reacts to alcohol." This is so true. It is clear by what they say to me that they have absolutely zero understanding whatsoever. I kind of regret telling them since it makes no difference.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 32
@Mrrryah - thank you so much for your post. This has rung true to me so deeply. The acceptance that I had a problem with alcohol was a huge first step, asking for or seeking out help was the next, then realising that I cannot and will not ever touch alcohol again was the biggest and scariest step, but once accepted was a huge weight off my shoulders and now I can finally get on with the rest of my life.
I'm now taking each day as it comes and letting each small victory build into weeks, months, years, a fresh lifetime of no more regrets, no more paranoia, no more hangovers, no more apologies to loved ones. We're not "giving up" anything, we're just setting ourselves free to enjoy life as it should be lived - fully, freely, clearly, soberly, happily. I've finally, at the age of 36 and nearly 20 years of drinking, accepted that I cannot moderate my drinking and never will be able to, so alcohol is now something that just isn't in my life any more. I've never smoked, never wanted to, never will - I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to walk past bottles of alcohol as freely and easily as I can walk past the cigarette counter - I don't even look once let alone twice as it's a "nothing" in my life.
Ok, so I'm only on day 3 and perhaps naively positive and optimistic at the moment, time will tell, but I want to succeed in quitting drinking more than anything else so will keep reading all these inspiring stories and comments and try to keep strong! So glad I found SR! :-)
I'm now taking each day as it comes and letting each small victory build into weeks, months, years, a fresh lifetime of no more regrets, no more paranoia, no more hangovers, no more apologies to loved ones. We're not "giving up" anything, we're just setting ourselves free to enjoy life as it should be lived - fully, freely, clearly, soberly, happily. I've finally, at the age of 36 and nearly 20 years of drinking, accepted that I cannot moderate my drinking and never will be able to, so alcohol is now something that just isn't in my life any more. I've never smoked, never wanted to, never will - I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to walk past bottles of alcohol as freely and easily as I can walk past the cigarette counter - I don't even look once let alone twice as it's a "nothing" in my life.
Ok, so I'm only on day 3 and perhaps naively positive and optimistic at the moment, time will tell, but I want to succeed in quitting drinking more than anything else so will keep reading all these inspiring stories and comments and try to keep strong! So glad I found SR! :-)
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