In need of guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: yucca valley, ca
Posts: 1
In need of guidance
Hello all,
My name's Phoenix and I'm new to this site. I'm in need of some guidance and would appreciate any help.
I am a recovering alcoholic with 2 years, 4 months and 9 days sober after being dry for 6 years.
My girlfriend is an alcoholic and has stopped going to alanon but is starting to go back. There has been recent tension between us and I was wanting to know the symptoms of an untreated alanon.
Much more importantly, after speaking with my sponsor, I realized that it is not her behavior that I need to look at, but my own. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have realized going through the work, that I myself may be suffering with untreated alanonism (forgive me if I referred to it incorrectly).
I know that some alcoholics (including my girlfriend) also attend alanon. Is this really allowed? I don't want to go to a meeting and told that I can't be there. But I am slowly realizing that I do need help in my relationship to myself and others, if that makes sense. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated!
My name's Phoenix and I'm new to this site. I'm in need of some guidance and would appreciate any help.
I am a recovering alcoholic with 2 years, 4 months and 9 days sober after being dry for 6 years.
My girlfriend is an alcoholic and has stopped going to alanon but is starting to go back. There has been recent tension between us and I was wanting to know the symptoms of an untreated alanon.
Much more importantly, after speaking with my sponsor, I realized that it is not her behavior that I need to look at, but my own. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have realized going through the work, that I myself may be suffering with untreated alanonism (forgive me if I referred to it incorrectly).
I know that some alcoholics (including my girlfriend) also attend alanon. Is this really allowed? I don't want to go to a meeting and told that I can't be there. But I am slowly realizing that I do need help in my relationship to myself and others, if that makes sense. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Phoenix, welcome to SR.
AA is for alcs, whether or not they have an alcoholic partner, and alanon is for partners of alcoholics, whether or not they are alcoholic. There is no reason you could not go to alanon, many AAs (with alcoholic partners or family members) do.
I've been a sober member of AA for many years and learned that, for me, relationships with AA members, while they seemed at the time to be an ideal thing, literally turned out to be a second best option for both halves.
In the end I realised that the main thing we had in common was a disease. When I analysed my part when things went wrong, I saw that I had been driven by instincts for security and sex much more than any genuine emotion, so I did not make a good partner.
The second thing I came to notice was that people in AA grow at different rates. We start off in the same place, but a few months down the track, tension develops as one appears to be working the program more or faster or slower or differently to the other. So one is tempted to prod the other and conflict results.
The best thing that happened to me was to be unceremoniously booted out of what was a sick relationship. Some time on my own gave me the chance to learn and grow and in time I found I could relate quite well to non alcoholics, and have a normal relationship.
I remember at the start, for those instinctual reasons, I was quite desperate to be in some form of relationship. My sponsor always said don't settle for second best. In time, when you are ready, God will put someone in your path. Naturally I took no notice and made a big mess of things. But he was right. When I was ready and when I stopped trying to make things happen, I met the most wonderful woman who later became my wife.
AA is for alcs, whether or not they have an alcoholic partner, and alanon is for partners of alcoholics, whether or not they are alcoholic. There is no reason you could not go to alanon, many AAs (with alcoholic partners or family members) do.
I've been a sober member of AA for many years and learned that, for me, relationships with AA members, while they seemed at the time to be an ideal thing, literally turned out to be a second best option for both halves.
In the end I realised that the main thing we had in common was a disease. When I analysed my part when things went wrong, I saw that I had been driven by instincts for security and sex much more than any genuine emotion, so I did not make a good partner.
The second thing I came to notice was that people in AA grow at different rates. We start off in the same place, but a few months down the track, tension develops as one appears to be working the program more or faster or slower or differently to the other. So one is tempted to prod the other and conflict results.
The best thing that happened to me was to be unceremoniously booted out of what was a sick relationship. Some time on my own gave me the chance to learn and grow and in time I found I could relate quite well to non alcoholics, and have a normal relationship.
I remember at the start, for those instinctual reasons, I was quite desperate to be in some form of relationship. My sponsor always said don't settle for second best. In time, when you are ready, God will put someone in your path. Naturally I took no notice and made a big mess of things. But he was right. When I was ready and when I stopped trying to make things happen, I met the most wonderful woman who later became my wife.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
I have no experience with AA or AlAnon but I know people who go to both.
I've never heard the term untreated alanon before tho - thats a new one on me - but I hope you find the support you're looking for - you'll certainly find some here
Welcome to SR, Phoenix
I've never heard the term untreated alanon before tho - thats a new one on me - but I hope you find the support you're looking for - you'll certainly find some here
Welcome to SR, Phoenix
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