Ugly morning
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
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Ugly morning
This morning...another email from my ex alcoholic fiance... More of the same, saying I am a liar, that he loves me but I am a liar and he is moving on, blah blah blah and that he is blocking my email so I can't reply because he doesn't want to hear my lies. Not that I had replied, I have been managing not to reply, NO RESPONSE, though its f'ing HARD. I guess the lying he is referring to is that part where I told him he has a drinking problem and personality disorder and needs help and that I can't be with him and he needed to move out (almost two months ago). Yes, I shouldn't have read it, I know. I did, and I would read another, I admit it. I am so tired, so exhausted, there is just not much left inside me. Nightmares, IF I can sleep, no appetite and I have been worse the last week, crying more and more, because it just sucks, this whole thing is stupid and horrible and awful and I HATE IT. I have to just go on, and let go, and I DON'T WANT TO but I have to. I have to, and its killing me inside to have to.
Does it EVER stop hurting so badly? He was so awful to me, to us, he was rarely happy and sweet, and it was almost always anger and ranting and drinking and scary bizarre behavior. How do you let go of someone you love who is so terribly ill and messed up, why would I even love such a person? Why can't I just get over it, over him, and move on? WTF is wrong with me, he wasn't so damn great, I mean really??? I wish it was a faucet, that love was like a faucet, that I can just turn the damn thing off and then it be gone. Instead, it drags on and on, and I try and try to get my head off it and onto other things, keep busy, work on me, do active things with my kids, so we can heal as a family, but as time goes on, its just worse every day. I feel worse and worse every day. IT all feels so WRONG.
Yes, working the program, or trying. I am very good at repeating that I cannot cure, cant control, blah blah blah. Yep, I know his drinking is not my fault. I know I didn't cause it and I know I can't fix it. I know, I know.
Today, I am back to being sick inside, this big black pit in my belly.
Does it EVER stop hurting so badly? He was so awful to me, to us, he was rarely happy and sweet, and it was almost always anger and ranting and drinking and scary bizarre behavior. How do you let go of someone you love who is so terribly ill and messed up, why would I even love such a person? Why can't I just get over it, over him, and move on? WTF is wrong with me, he wasn't so damn great, I mean really??? I wish it was a faucet, that love was like a faucet, that I can just turn the damn thing off and then it be gone. Instead, it drags on and on, and I try and try to get my head off it and onto other things, keep busy, work on me, do active things with my kids, so we can heal as a family, but as time goes on, its just worse every day. I feel worse and worse every day. IT all feels so WRONG.
Yes, working the program, or trying. I am very good at repeating that I cannot cure, cant control, blah blah blah. Yep, I know his drinking is not my fault. I know I didn't cause it and I know I can't fix it. I know, I know.
Today, I am back to being sick inside, this big black pit in my belly.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I think you are moving through grief, just as if a loved one had passed. You have to give yourself time to heal. HOWEVER....you are only subjecting yourself to it by continuing to read the emails. Block him and move on to doing things that are good FOR YOU.
Only you can decide how much you can put up with before you realize communication w/him is literally toxic to you.
Only you can decide how much you can put up with before you realize communication w/him is literally toxic to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Dear Ofelie,
I too wish love was a faucet. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have felt a kinship with you whilst reading your posts. Try to remember how far you have come, though I'm no one to talk, I'm still white knuckling no contact with my XABF. I had a bad night too I was totally triggered by an obviously high functioning alcoholic on a reality show. Being in a relationship with an A can do a number on ones mind. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.
I too wish love was a faucet. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have felt a kinship with you whilst reading your posts. Try to remember how far you have come, though I'm no one to talk, I'm still white knuckling no contact with my XABF. I had a bad night too I was totally triggered by an obviously high functioning alcoholic on a reality show. Being in a relationship with an A can do a number on ones mind. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
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I'm sorry. It must be very hard for you. I know a person that was married to a man who molested the daughter. I said, how the hell can you love him. She said love is not a light switch. That always stuck with me. BTW he committed suicide. Prayers Honey.
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Its on top of a bad night with the kids last night. We all were upset and sort of acting out, I dunno how to explain. We have all been sick with this cold, on top of the stress. So we were all just bickering and at each other's throats and stuff, instead of our usual laughing and dancing we do around dinner. Eventually we all just piled on my bed and crashed, cuddling and whispering together til we all fell asleep. It just was a bad night for all of us, and I woke up to that stupid email and its like the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel like I am going backwards, or that I haven't budged at all from the starting point of the night I made him leave. I feel like I haven't made any progress getting past this. My little 11 year old keeps telling me "You know its darkest before the dawn mom. It has to get worse before it gets better." Looking at me with her huge soulful brown eyes, she is such a mixture of little girl and wise old woman.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I can completely relate. When the atmosphere is more stressful for whatever reason it seems to really affect me also. Things are magnified and seem really horrible.
Your little girl is a wise woman in a little body, what an amazing person. Look at them and know you are doing the right thing. You deserve peace and sanity. YOU deserve so much more. Don't continue to punish yourself.
Many Many Tight Hugs!
Your little girl is a wise woman in a little body, what an amazing person. Look at them and know you are doing the right thing. You deserve peace and sanity. YOU deserve so much more. Don't continue to punish yourself.
Many Many Tight Hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I feel for you! One thing that helps me is to ask myself- is the person I love(d) real? For me, the answer is no. I love a facade, the shell he put out there at the beginning. The real man I was married to...isn't that same guy. Doesn't make it any easier to "lose your dream", but keeps me grounded that it was already lost and I'm just deciding how to deal with it.
Another thing I did recently was with my email. I couldn't go no contact because of the kids, and we communicate via email. He uses that to continually manipulate and control, and I found myself really struggling with my own healing due to him jerking me around. I finally asked my sister to monitor that email account (I use one just for him, told him "this is my new email address" and blocked him from my other one), and she buffers the messages. She only tells me "he wants to see the kids on x date" and I have her respond. Don't know if that would help you, but it really eased my mind to be free of his controlling, blaming, angry words. And she can take it and cut through the crap, because she didn't live it. It's still hard to not read them...like my own addiction...which is not healthy I know!
Hang in there! Be proud of how far you've come.
Another thing I did recently was with my email. I couldn't go no contact because of the kids, and we communicate via email. He uses that to continually manipulate and control, and I found myself really struggling with my own healing due to him jerking me around. I finally asked my sister to monitor that email account (I use one just for him, told him "this is my new email address" and blocked him from my other one), and she buffers the messages. She only tells me "he wants to see the kids on x date" and I have her respond. Don't know if that would help you, but it really eased my mind to be free of his controlling, blaming, angry words. And she can take it and cut through the crap, because she didn't live it. It's still hard to not read them...like my own addiction...which is not healthy I know!
Hang in there! Be proud of how far you've come.
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After a bit of time to reflect I have woken up this morning calmer, pretty much numb again. It hit me again last night that he is always pointing the finger at me, saying I am the messed up one and never ever apologizes or mentions his drinking and rages, as if they didn't happen or are not even relevant. He doesn't even acknowledge any of it, its really really weird, and that alone tells me so much doesn't it?
My mom always told me when you point at someone you have three fingers pointing back at you.
This torturous process of letting go of him comes at me in waves. Some moments I feel broken and hopeless, some moments I feel red hot full of anger over it. Others I feel nothing and can just shut it out of my mind for a brief few moments of peace.
My mom always told me when you point at someone you have three fingers pointing back at you.
This torturous process of letting go of him comes at me in waves. Some moments I feel broken and hopeless, some moments I feel red hot full of anger over it. Others I feel nothing and can just shut it out of my mind for a brief few moments of peace.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It is an emoational roller that is for sure. Addiction is the blame game. They are always looking for someone else to blame. He has of course blocked you because you could easily rationalize that it is HIM not YOU, but that would force him to see his own problems, why would he want to do that?
You are strong and you will get past this. You can do this.
Tight Hugs.
You are strong and you will get past this. You can do this.
Tight Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Yes, I pictured him blocking me, like a little kid covering their ears when they are in trouble. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say....though right now that is nothing because I won't respond. He throws out a jab and then quick as can be runs away into the shadows again where he can hide from reality. Its just how they are, they FREAK OUT when they don't get their way, they HIT THE ROOF when you tell them they need help. Nope, don't you dare ever call them out on their behavior, because all hell will break loose. They refuse to hear it, which is why he blocked me. He may not have done it, I didn't respond so I dunno if it was a threat or if he did. At this moment..just this one... I don't care what he says or does. That whole thing yesterday just reconfirmed what I knew, that he knows he has a problem, and he is afraid of the truth. I am sure my numbness will switch over again in a few minutes or hours or days, and it will hurt again. But right now, I just think hes a ******* damaged idiot who lost me to his own damn self. As for me...at this moment I am enjoying the sunshine and breeze, and thinking about planning and planting an herb garden. Nothing but zen in my head. For this minute, anyway.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Praying 
I feel for you! One thing that helps me is to ask myself- is the person I love(d) real? For me, the answer is no. I love a facade, the shell he put out there at the beginning. The real man I was married to...isn't that same guy. Doesn't make it any easier to "lose your dream", but keeps me grounded that it was already lost and I'm just deciding how to deal with it.
Another thing I did recently was with my email. I couldn't go no contact because of the kids, and we communicate via email. He uses that to continually manipulate and control, and I found myself really struggling with my own healing due to him jerking me around. I finally asked my sister to monitor that email account (I use one just for him, told him "this is my new email address" and blocked him from my other one), and she buffers the messages. She only tells me "he wants to see the kids on x date" and I have her respond. Don't know if that would help you, but it really eased my mind to be free of his controlling, blaming, angry words. And she can take it and cut through the crap, because she didn't live it. It's still hard to not read them...like my own addiction...which is not healthy I know!
Hang in there! Be proud of how far you've come.
Another thing I did recently was with my email. I couldn't go no contact because of the kids, and we communicate via email. He uses that to continually manipulate and control, and I found myself really struggling with my own healing due to him jerking me around. I finally asked my sister to monitor that email account (I use one just for him, told him "this is my new email address" and blocked him from my other one), and she buffers the messages. She only tells me "he wants to see the kids on x date" and I have her respond. Don't know if that would help you, but it really eased my mind to be free of his controlling, blaming, angry words. And she can take it and cut through the crap, because she didn't live it. It's still hard to not read them...like my own addiction...which is not healthy I know!
Hang in there! Be proud of how far you've come.
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