We started out partying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
We started out partying
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I've been coming here for a little bit, and so this seems a familiar enough place so that I can write this to someone.
I have a houseguest who has been here four months. He is "homeless," although he doesn't identify himself as such -- he has a tent set up at a private campground. But he's been here at my place -- at first to help me out with an injury.
Now, he's helping me with my new sales job, as he sees this as a superb opportunity. He's had much sales experience, and is very direct in his approach, very "let's get down to business." We're still in the preparation phase.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by his presence. I'm a quiet person; he is not. His personality has taken me over inside my own house. His life has taken over my life. He doesn't have a drivers license. He doesn't have money, except for a govt. food card. His phone is off now for lack of funds.
I like having my own space, and have spent the majority of the last seven years mostly keeping to myself. I like that. I do get lonely at times, and this is now the second time that I let that loneliness eventuate into a houseguest.
I want him to leave. But then I look at him, and I am scared to death to tell him. So, it's been especially eating at me for at least a couple weeks. My neighbor friend can see that I'm not well, not happy. This is way, way too much togetherness for me. And he's not someone I want to marry, so what is really going on here, but that I've given him a comfortable place to be, especially with the cold weather we've had.
Alcohol? Last three nights I bought 750ml bottle of vodka for us, and some extra beer on Friday night. When we met, we became instant party-buddy friends. We grew on each other. I like him. He likes me. But I can't do that lifestyle anymore. I need to get away.
And what do you know. He's great at writing letters(emails) and he wrote up a couple for me just now so that I can copy and send on to the appropriate parties. I don't know how to write like that.
I feel lost. I feel drained. I feel . . . . I don't know.
Day One Today.
I have a houseguest who has been here four months. He is "homeless," although he doesn't identify himself as such -- he has a tent set up at a private campground. But he's been here at my place -- at first to help me out with an injury.
Now, he's helping me with my new sales job, as he sees this as a superb opportunity. He's had much sales experience, and is very direct in his approach, very "let's get down to business." We're still in the preparation phase.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by his presence. I'm a quiet person; he is not. His personality has taken me over inside my own house. His life has taken over my life. He doesn't have a drivers license. He doesn't have money, except for a govt. food card. His phone is off now for lack of funds.
I like having my own space, and have spent the majority of the last seven years mostly keeping to myself. I like that. I do get lonely at times, and this is now the second time that I let that loneliness eventuate into a houseguest.
I want him to leave. But then I look at him, and I am scared to death to tell him. So, it's been especially eating at me for at least a couple weeks. My neighbor friend can see that I'm not well, not happy. This is way, way too much togetherness for me. And he's not someone I want to marry, so what is really going on here, but that I've given him a comfortable place to be, especially with the cold weather we've had.
Alcohol? Last three nights I bought 750ml bottle of vodka for us, and some extra beer on Friday night. When we met, we became instant party-buddy friends. We grew on each other. I like him. He likes me. But I can't do that lifestyle anymore. I need to get away.
And what do you know. He's great at writing letters(emails) and he wrote up a couple for me just now so that I can copy and send on to the appropriate parties. I don't know how to write like that.
I feel lost. I feel drained. I feel . . . . I don't know.
Day One Today.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Without knowing all the details, it sounds like you are being taken advantage if on many levels. If nothing else he is making you uncomfortable and that in itself is enough reason to ask him to leave.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I learned how to do a number of things when presented with the challenge of having to depend on myself for survival. You can too!
Maybe sit your friend down and explain how you feel... be firm, but kind. Don't leave any room for him to misinterpret what you're saying. You want to remain friends but need space to work on yourself and recovery.
I think you'll be a lot happier poolsideGal.
Maybe sit your friend down and explain how you feel... be firm, but kind. Don't leave any room for him to misinterpret what you're saying. You want to remain friends but need space to work on yourself and recovery.
I think you'll be a lot happier poolsideGal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Without knowing all the details, it sounds like you are being taken advantage if on many levels. If nothing else he is making you uncomfortable and that in itself is enough reason to ask him to leave.
Perhaps you'll want to bring in your neighbor or have someone else assist you with this task, it might be a bit of a safety issue. Have someone else around when you tell him to leave and when he is packing up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
sounds like you've lost yourself and are not being true to yourself or giving voice to your own truth.
Regardless of anything else - that is not healthy.
It's ok to say "look... I have appreciated your help in many ways, but I need my space and I need some boundaries and right now, I need you to go back to your tent or focus on whatever your next move is because I've lost my SELF in the whirlwind of your presence...."
Or something like that. It's not only OK to communicate and honor our truth; it's essential.
Beyond that, I am going to go ahead and assume the reason that you're even on an addiction forum is that alcohol has become a problem for you - so the going out and buying a vat of vodka should be a pretty solid indicator to you that things are headed the wrong way.
Regardless of anything else - that is not healthy.
It's ok to say "look... I have appreciated your help in many ways, but I need my space and I need some boundaries and right now, I need you to go back to your tent or focus on whatever your next move is because I've lost my SELF in the whirlwind of your presence...."
Or something like that. It's not only OK to communicate and honor our truth; it's essential.
Beyond that, I am going to go ahead and assume the reason that you're even on an addiction forum is that alcohol has become a problem for you - so the going out and buying a vat of vodka should be a pretty solid indicator to you that things are headed the wrong way.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I think FreeOwl said it very well. Time to sit him down and have a chat. Just tell him that you want your space back and that he has to leave. I wish you the best in getting your life back. And try not to drink as that will just make everything worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 183
He needs to go. Like yesterday. I too agree with Sombrero. Also, people like this guy, are MASTER MANIPULATORS. If you need support from friends (or even the police) to get him out, you need to do it. He will continue to help yourself to your life until you put a stop to it. This is your life, not his. Your job, not his.
And, your writing seems perfectly fine to me. You may ask to work with whomever is training you at this new job for tips on showing you the ropes. You do not NEED this person, or the stress he brings, much less the alcohol.
Please keep us posted on this situation. We care! You are not alone!!
And, your writing seems perfectly fine to me. You may ask to work with whomever is training you at this new job for tips on showing you the ropes. You do not NEED this person, or the stress he brings, much less the alcohol.
Please keep us posted on this situation. We care! You are not alone!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Letting all the responses sink in.
-------
So, now he knows that I've been crying because I need space.
I'm conflicted. I want him gone, and at the same time, I enjoy his companionship. It seems there can't be a balance of time together/time apart, like if he were to have his own place, and his own transportation, and his own financial resources.
----------
About an hour ago, he took himself for a walk. For how long, who knows. He knows he needs to get out of my hair, at least.
I went to the grocery store. I felt like a drink, but I'm sticking to not drinking. I feel better already.
-------
So, now he knows that I've been crying because I need space.
I'm conflicted. I want him gone, and at the same time, I enjoy his companionship. It seems there can't be a balance of time together/time apart, like if he were to have his own place, and his own transportation, and his own financial resources.
----------
About an hour ago, he took himself for a walk. For how long, who knows. He knows he needs to get out of my hair, at least.
I went to the grocery store. I felt like a drink, but I'm sticking to not drinking. I feel better already.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
You really need to get this guy out. He is manipulating you and I suspect that when you ask him to leave he will turn on the poor me guilt trip to soften you up. He is taking advantage of your loneliness to get a roof over his head and deep down you know this. His presence is assaulting your senses and ruining the quiet peaceful home life you need and deserve.Like others have said, get a third party to help you and please do it ASAP. I wish you all the best.xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
You sound a little conflicted poolsidegal, but it doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship to me.
I had a friend like that too - he was very skilled at making himself indispensable - but his life became my life and invariably it always worked out we did what he wanted. Most of what he wanted to do was party 24/7 - not good for me.
You don't need a psychology degree to know how unhealthy that is.
Big S is right.
Get a friend or two you can trust and have them standing by when you give him his marching orders.
He sounds like a resourceful guy. He'll get by...
D
I had a friend like that too - he was very skilled at making himself indispensable - but his life became my life and invariably it always worked out we did what he wanted. Most of what he wanted to do was party 24/7 - not good for me.
You don't need a psychology degree to know how unhealthy that is.
Big S is right.
Get a friend or two you can trust and have them standing by when you give him his marching orders.
He sounds like a resourceful guy. He'll get by...
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
Poolsidegal:
I was in your situation before. Take action as soon as possible to get him out. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over your own life and your own home.
In my experience, he was an alcoholic (I am now, but was not then) and toward the end of his "stay", he was stealing from me and drinking himself to death. one day I just refused to let him in and I honestly have no idea what happened to him. He wasn't my problem to fix - and this guy is not your problem to fix either. Take care of YOURSELF!
Good luck.
I was in your situation before. Take action as soon as possible to get him out. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over your own life and your own home.
In my experience, he was an alcoholic (I am now, but was not then) and toward the end of his "stay", he was stealing from me and drinking himself to death. one day I just refused to let him in and I honestly have no idea what happened to him. He wasn't my problem to fix - and this guy is not your problem to fix either. Take care of YOURSELF!
Good luck.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Hi poolsideGal,
I also live alone and I have had a little experience with your situation. I've had friends call me from back east that wanted to rent my guest room and against my better judgement let them move in. Both times, I have had to ask them to leave and one of those was kicked out the day after Christmas, ending our friendship (of about 25 years.....). Granted, these were both Male friends and I am also a guy....
If you want to remain friends with him just explain the situation honestly and clearly and set the time frame for him to be out. If you are not concerned about remaining friends, get someone to come over to back you up and ask him to pack his stuff and go... immediately. It is your home and you have a right to your solitude and peace and quiet.
As others have mentioned, people in his situation will often manipulate their host to stay out of the cold and weasel their way into a living situation. Please make sure that he does not have a key or change your locks after he leaves, just to be sure.
I'm glad you have not resorted to drinking to mask the pain, it won't help. Stick around and let us know how you are doing.
I also live alone and I have had a little experience with your situation. I've had friends call me from back east that wanted to rent my guest room and against my better judgement let them move in. Both times, I have had to ask them to leave and one of those was kicked out the day after Christmas, ending our friendship (of about 25 years.....). Granted, these were both Male friends and I am also a guy....
If you want to remain friends with him just explain the situation honestly and clearly and set the time frame for him to be out. If you are not concerned about remaining friends, get someone to come over to back you up and ask him to pack his stuff and go... immediately. It is your home and you have a right to your solitude and peace and quiet.
As others have mentioned, people in his situation will often manipulate their host to stay out of the cold and weasel their way into a living situation. Please make sure that he does not have a key or change your locks after he leaves, just to be sure.
I'm glad you have not resorted to drinking to mask the pain, it won't help. Stick around and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Simply an update.
Many days not here. Some more drink, smoke.
Today is day three clean/sober for me.
He can only go for a day or two with no drink. Last night, he got very drunk.
And . . . he's been intently thinking about his death, as in suicide.
Last night was very difficult for me with him, and he is showing me how much I do not want to drink.
Many days not here. Some more drink, smoke.
Today is day three clean/sober for me.
He can only go for a day or two with no drink. Last night, he got very drunk.
And . . . he's been intently thinking about his death, as in suicide.
Last night was very difficult for me with him, and he is showing me how much I do not want to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 246
Congrats on 3 days! Sounds like either he is manipulating you with the suicide stuff or needs professional help. Either way, you are not responsible for his choices. I think its long past time for him to not be living with you. Just my opinion, good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Time to kick the bum aside if he bothers you that much. He is using you, you are using him. That is what we alcoholics do, its a give and take relationship. Its called co-dependancy.
You know all the stories all the same. I was sober, I thought about drinking, I drank, I got drunk, Stuff Happened, I feel remorseful, I will never drink again, I thought about drinking, I drank, I got drunk, Stuff happened, I feel remorseful, I will never drink again..........repeat this over and over again...................endlessly...........until one day your liver dies, or you choke on your own puke (as my sponsor likes to say, die a ROCKSTAR death.........rock on rockstars), crash the car. Fun Times aint it.
You know all the stories all the same. I was sober, I thought about drinking, I drank, I got drunk, Stuff Happened, I feel remorseful, I will never drink again, I thought about drinking, I drank, I got drunk, Stuff happened, I feel remorseful, I will never drink again..........repeat this over and over again...................endlessly...........until one day your liver dies, or you choke on your own puke (as my sponsor likes to say, die a ROCKSTAR death.........rock on rockstars), crash the car. Fun Times aint it.
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