The rest of my life starts today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 32
The rest of my life starts today!
I've just been reading a thread on moderation or abstinence and was amazed/shocked at how many comments rang true to me. I would classify myself as a social drinker as I only drink on nights out with friends. 9 times out of 10 everything's ok - I can control my alcohol intake, have a fun night and go home feeling nicely tipsy and wake up the next day feeling fine... but it's the 10th time where my "off" button breaks down and I'm absolutely unable to stop until I reach blackout. I lose hours of the end of the night and cannot remember a thing. My poor husband is at his wits end and cannot cope with my out of control drinking - I usually end up saying very hurtful and cruel things to him, which I can't remember, but he always reminds me in the morning - it's terrible and makes me feel sick knowing that I've been so horrible to him. I love him so much and would never say these things sober - I can't even believe I say them when I'm drunk - I get so Jekyll and Hyde when I've been drinking, it's scary.
Although my out of control episodes are rare, I don't want them to ever happen again. If I've been "good" for months at a time I kid myself that I'm "cured" and that I'm in control, but then bad nights happen again and I'm back to square one, feeling ashamed, anxious, sick and hating myself.
I think I know in my heart what I need to do - the ONLY thing that can stop the binge sessions happening ever again is if I give up alcohol for good - total abstinence. There is no middle ground, no moderation, no long-term off button. I have an addictive personality and although I don't depend on drink on a daily, or even weekly basis, when I do drink it's all or nothing.
There really are no positives to drinking and it doesn't make me or my husband happy. He's more important to me than drink and I choose him, us and me over booze.
Today is day 1 - thank you for your support!
Although my out of control episodes are rare, I don't want them to ever happen again. If I've been "good" for months at a time I kid myself that I'm "cured" and that I'm in control, but then bad nights happen again and I'm back to square one, feeling ashamed, anxious, sick and hating myself.
I think I know in my heart what I need to do - the ONLY thing that can stop the binge sessions happening ever again is if I give up alcohol for good - total abstinence. There is no middle ground, no moderation, no long-term off button. I have an addictive personality and although I don't depend on drink on a daily, or even weekly basis, when I do drink it's all or nothing.
There really are no positives to drinking and it doesn't make me or my husband happy. He's more important to me than drink and I choose him, us and me over booze.
Today is day 1 - thank you for your support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 32
Thank you for your supportive comments! My last "bad" drinking incident was on Saturday - I spent all of Sunday in bed or being sick, which was awful. Having a first discussion tonight with my husband about all this and will mention that I've joined this support site and that I'm 100% serious about giving up the booze for good. I know he'll support me, but I absolutely MUST NOT let myself down or let him down as I don't think he'll put up with it again if I have another relapse. Just reading through threads on this site makes me feel stronger and more able to succeed, so if I have any wobbly moments I'll check back on here!! 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 169
I was the same way... got crazy mean to the person I cared about most, and have no idea where it came from. Probably some underlying issues, but no way to deal with them, to be sure. And aren't the mornings excruciating? Just waiting to hear what you did/said, most embarrassing, and there is almost no way to apologize, because you (me) weren't really sure went on.
This site is amazing, with loads of powerfully strong people. The messages of relapse are equally important, and I thank those people for sharing, as I am sure the confidence level raises the longer we abstain.
Join the February Class if you feel like it. This is a great place.
This site is amazing, with loads of powerfully strong people. The messages of relapse are equally important, and I thank those people for sharing, as I am sure the confidence level raises the longer we abstain.
Join the February Class if you feel like it. This is a great place.
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