Roxxxy

Excuse me while I take the podium and demand all of you to listen! I'm at a point were my mental state has been corrupted by strange faces that surround me everyday. No I don't have the 6th sense. Nor do I have hallucinations. I actually can't afford to see my psychiatrist anytime soon so my last resort is here. I'm not a drug addict nor an alcoholic... do you accept emotionally unstable people? My ex was the alcoholic. I was the victim or should I say hostage.. same difference right? The relationship I had with him was misery that left me mentally, emotionally and physically unstable for a loooong time. I healed a whole lot but not completely... I have my moments were being emotionally unstable sneaks up on me at times. I recently heard he was at my local hang out smashed as a can. Everyone had told me he looked like a idiot and was a loser! They also told me "you did the right thing by getting rid of that alcoholic!" After hearing what they all had to say and knowing that nothing has changed with him and his drinking, I felt satisfied with myself in taking control of my life with getting rid of him when I did. I still have total resentment towards him for putting me through HELL! If I could I would like to rip his eyes out! However, if I did just that, how would he ever be able to look at himself in the mirror everyday and realize what a worthless, inconsiderate, lonely, depressed, alcoholic he's become!!

KateL

Your feelings are understandable as you seem to have been left emotionally scarred. Have you spoken with your doctor? There is a friends and family of alcoholics part of the forum and perhaps they can offer you some advice. I hope you feel better soon xxxxxxxxxxxx

ShootingStar1

Roxxxy, you are very welcome here. So many of us, myself included, have suffered from living with an alcoholic/addicted partner and you will find kindred souls here.

Resentment, rage and anger, were all part of my path toward healing from the abuse and devastation of what I lived through. There is a search function here on SoberRecovery and you might try typing in each of those words; there were a lot of threads by a lot of us who were feeling those feelings. Since people come here and stay through different stages of their experience, there were a lot of posts with insight and sharing about healing from rage and anger.

There is a life after this for us, and we welcome you to share your journey with us.

ShootingStar1

JustAGirl1971

Welcome, you will find lots of support at SR If you haven't checked out the stickies at the top, you may want to. A lot of good information in them

On this:
I choose to say volunteer because he didn't hold me hostage. I had the ability to leave at any time. I just chose not to. For me, viewing it this way helps me take back my power and see myself as capable and able instead of helpless.

My STBXAH literally just moved out. Like you, I am dealing with a lot of negative emotions. Anger, resentment, also sadness because there were some happy times and I don't want those tainted by the negative emotions. Also, a lot of the anger is directed at myself for not seeing clearly. I'm working on releasing those emotions and forgiving him (& myself) because I don't want to be mired down by resentment and bitterness. I'm also working on changing the parts of me that allowed me to be a participant in such a dysfunctional relationship in order to prevent the same thing from happening again. It's hard work and most of the time I feel like I'm moving at a tortoise's pace, but I guess two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, right?

hopeful4

Welcome...welcome! Yup...we welcome all with unstabilities and all! We are quite the lot..haha!

I totally understand. I know you have already left him, and I totally agree, good for you! However, have you checked out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? These meetings are free and would be a great place for you to work on the anger and resentments....for you. Carrying those around is hot hurting him at all, it is hurting yourself. Set yourself free!

Here at SR is also a great place to openly vent and get support.

Good Luck and again..Welcome!

copperducky

Welcome!!
If I may.....life is entirely too short to have come as far as you have come and then focus on all that pain and resentment and bitterness. I understand that it is all part of the recovery that we as the spouses of A's must go through.
I am new here, but it seems to me that you hold ALL the POWER..... For good or evil whichever you choose to live with.
I commend you for having used that power to start your recovery just as I am using my power to put myself back into the world of the living (with my AH though..divorce is not an issue nor an option) But, with that power and the knowledge you have...time might be that you need to slow down the resentment and bitterness and harness it to make your life even better!!! Keep that power...don't throw it away on him!
We are all superheroes!!
Now, hope that didn't sound too goofy!! Sometimes the thoughts do sound better left in my head!!

Hope4Life

Hi Roxxxy,

Good to have you here with us. Congratulations on taking the steps to make your life what YOU want it to be.

I would like to make a suggestion, based on my own personal experience. When people start to tell you about your ex's issue's, try just letting them know that you have moved past that relationship and have no desire to hear about him anymore. The less you know the better, as hearing about him will just cause you to relive the past which is, IMHO, very unhealthy for you.

Move forward, don't look back. Continue working on YOU and forget about him.

Good Luck with your new, happy life!

Roxxxy

Thanks for all your comments! You all made some valid points. Like I said in my post I have my moments when being emotionally unstable sneaks up on me and last night was no exception. I woke up this morning feeling a whole lot better. Not to mention, being grateful for being given another day where I can contniue to move forward in being the best I can be and living it to the fullest.

I like the "volunteer" comment rather than hostage.. it makes sense and now that I think about it "I" took control and power to get rid of him when I did. As hard as it was it was something I knew I had to do to claim myself and life back again. The other comment about "letting others know I have no desire to want to hear about him" is why I avoided the social scene for a long time. Yet, since I live in a small town.. everyone knows each other and news gets around fast. Oh and Yes... life is extremely short! I know I have to work on shaking off my anger and resentment towards him. Although, I'm not sure sure if I can ever forgive him or even want to.. is that bad to say? I know to move forward in living a healthy life it's about having a positive attitude with yourself and others. Like someone said in a comment that it seemed "I have been emotionally scared" is the truth... you hit the nail on that one! Sometimes I wish I never met him. Then again I honestly believe I was meant to have cross paths with him... he wasn't a blessing he was a lesson... and even though that lesson has still left me scared... I like to think of myself as a much wiser and stronger person in life :-) :-) :-)

Roxxxy

Hmmm.. I was thinking.. maybe I do want to forgive him so I can contniue to move on with my life with leaving all resentment and anger behind. However, I don't know how to do that. Any tips?

Seren

You are welcome here anytime, Roxxxy

Sometimes the only way to move forward is to remove our hands from the other person's neck!

Excellent rant, by the way!! I give it 5 stars!!

boomtruck

If you cannot afford medical help the forum is a good place to be. Also Al-Anon groups. I have found that my group is the biggest help to me when I'm feeling crazy. They help me stay grounded because they are the only ones that really understand the insaneness of alcoholism. It is truly amazing what happens in those groups and the love that comes out of it.

JustAGirl1971

Yes, Roxxxy. Forgiveness is really more for us than those we forgive. We're the ones most hurt by our anger, resentments, and the resulting bitterness. It's definitely a process though, and not something that happens over night. For me, I started by looking honestly at my own behaviors in the relationship and how they contributed to the dysfunction. This includes my lack of boundaries. I should have walked away when he became verbally abusive and I should have never attempted to have serious conversations with a drunk! Also, I did not treat him with respect... I nagged him and attempted to manipulate him into doing what I wanted him to do instead of allowing him the dignity to choose what he wanted. I did not respect his right to live life how he chooses. I won't even mention my expectations except to say that they are crazy (not all of them, I mean 'get a job' doesn't seem so crazy to me, lol.) Now that I see my own dysfunctional behavior clearly, I can see how it contributed to the dysfunction in our marriage. Being honest about my own behavior is really letting a lot of the steam out of the sails as far as my anger towards him goes.

Now, I'm working on accepting us both as we are, faults and failures included. I'm still working on that. I'm hoping once I've finished with that, I will be able to release all of my anger and forgive both of us.

Last thing I wanted to say about forgiveness is that just because we forgive someone does not mean we have to allow that person access to us. We can forgive them and move on. For me, forgiveness is mandatory because I do not want bitterness in my life; however, reconciliation is optional. I do not have to have a relationship with the people I forgive, but I do need to forgive.

hopeful4

It won't happen overnight, but it can happen. I promise you if you go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery that is just what they would help you with. The resentment and anger you need to lose....for yourself. There is a book called Life's Healing Choices by John Baker. He is the founder of Celebrate Recovery. I am not trying to push you, but since you asked for tips that is the best one I can give. It is an amazing book that will take you through steps to get over anger and resentments for all things in your life.

Glad you are here!

Roxxxy

Thanks again for all your responses. Today is another "I want to rip out his eyes" day. Like I said I have my days were all anger and resentment suddenly appears before me and before you know it I'm a basket case! I absolutely hate feeling this way because it makes me feel like I somewhat lose control of myself. Then again emotions are Real and if "I" or "we" didn't have them then you might as well not exist in this complicated world.

Yes.. I have been thinking about attending Alanon meetings for sometime now. Then again it has been almost a year since we have broken up. I feel like if I attend the meetings, I would just be bringing back more emotional energy into myself from him that I've only been trying to wash away. Likewise, I know I sound hypercritical because seeing a psychiatrist and posting on her for advice/tips is like the same thing... right? lol

So.. like someone said in a reply.. forgiving doesn't happen overnight. It's like a cycle that takes time to process. So True! Since some time has passed I thought for sure all of these emotional feelings would have left by now. I was wrong. I'm doing my best to over come this lesson in life and know that it will only move me forward to the much more Wonderful life that awaits me

~ I trust the process of life: There is a rhythm and flow to life, and I am part of it. Life supports me and brings to me only good and positive experiences. I trust the process of life to bring me my highest good.

JustAGirl1971

That's the good thing about Alanon, Roxxxy, the focus is on you, not the alcoholic. To be honest, I think I've said less about my STBXAH in alanon than I did in counseling... and I've spent more hours in alanon than in counseling. Many of the people in alanon no longer even have the alcoholic in their life. Mine moved out last weekend.

I think therapy and alanon serve such different purposes. Yes, they're both tools to aid us in our recovery, but the approach is very different. With therapy, you talk out your issues and the therapist gently guides you... with alanon, it's more about listening and then applying what you hear to your life. Both very effective but in very different ways.

ladyscribbler

If I could I would like to rip his eyes out! However, if I did just that, how would he ever be able to look at himself in the mirror everyday and realize what a worthless, inconsiderate, lonely, depressed, alcoholic he's become!!

LOL. I've had days like this. On the bright side, it would give him a legitimate excuse to drink. Oh, wait he doesn't need one.
I second or third the Alanon suggestion. I didn't start going to meetings until after I broke up with axb, and it has really helped me not only to move past my anger and resentment from our relationship (I think that's our codie equivalent of a hangover), but to see my part in it so I can work on myself. I also do individual therapy, and the combination has helped me tremendously.

Roxxxy

Thanks again for all comments!

JustAGirl1971.. thank you for putting more in perspective what alanon is. I honestly had no real clue of what takes place in those meetings. I'm definitely open to checking it out and believe that it will help me more in my healing process :-)

Hopeworks

Hi Roxxy,

Hating someone is a very draining emotion and when we have those negative thoughts our brains are dumping very negative chemicals that make us feel bad. One saying is that holding resentments against another is like drinking poison and wishing they would die.

Logically your distress is not really impacting him (hence why you wish you could scratch his eyes out) and we want justice but life is just not fair and everywhere are people that have the potential to hurt us.

Recovery is learning how to forgive those who have hurt us and to objectively look at our part in it. Secondly we learn how to develop a proper antennae that alerts us when we are getting involved with toxic people so we protect ourselves from being victimized...knowledge and wisdom about ourselves is the best protection for the future.

My father was a very cruel man who abused us and I truly hated him at one point...but I forgave him for his failures and realized that he was a broken and sick man tormented by his own demons. That didn't change my childhood but it changed my perspective on it....

When I think of my father who is now deceased I think of how he taught me how to shoot a gun, catch a fish, build a barn and other good qualities he had. He never hugged me or told me he loved me and was very cruel but I am now at peace with who he was. Hey the guy contributed the one sperm out of 5 million that made it to Mom's egg and I am here because of him... and so I find reasons to be grateful.

Keep seeking unraveling yourself and that anger and rage will fade and peace and serenity replace it!

Celebrate Recovery and Alanon are both great places to start!

JustAGirl1971

Alanon can seem a little weird at first (at least it did to me), but the more you go, the more it makes sense and the more it helps. I try to make at least a few meetings every week. I can tell when I miss a meeting by my behavior and how I feel.

Roxxxy

So I have yet to attend my first alanon meeting but plan to do so in near future.

I do have a serious question to ask. Something that I have been going back and forth about in my head recently. I don't want to loose my strength and peace of mind that I worked so hard in gaining back after breakup (1 year) with alcoholic x so any advice would be greatly appeticiated.

I was thinking of making peace with him so I can move in life with a feeling of peace in washing away all anger and resintment. I'm still very much healing and can't seem to shake off a handful of emotions I'm afraid I will carry with me until the end of time. If I were to do this it wouldn't be easy for me and I may even fall emotionally for him which I don't want to do because I know he's not good for me at all. Any advice??