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Resentment/Am I over reacting?

Old 02-16-2014, 04:42 PM
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Resentment/Am I over reacting?

Hello,

I am over 9 months sober using a variety of recovery methods including SR and AA. As part of AA I have taken my steps and am currently working on step 9. I have recently made my amend to my husband and am trying to move forward. However, I continue to find that I am getting mucked up in the past.

Case in point: When I was still drinking my husband took my car keys away to his car which I had had ever since we had the car. I was doing a lot of drunk driving so at the time this was understandable. However, at this point he still has not given me the keys back to his car. It is really starting to bother me and I know this is a trust issue, but I am also wondering if this is a control issue on his part?

Another issue was that he took away my phone and hid it for several days (after finding several unsavory texts on it) at a time when I was still drinking and wouldn't give it back to me until I threatened to go and buy a new phone. He has not done this is over a year but I am still holding on to that resentment.

Finally there was also a time when he did not wear his wedding ring for 6 months because he told me that he didn't feel like my husband. This was also while I was drinking. A chunk of time has passed since this but I am holding on to that resentment as well.

Does anyone have advice on how to let go of these resentments? Am I over or under reacting? Curious if anyone else went through anything similar and how did you handle it? Thanks, PG
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:49 PM
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Work steps 4-7 on these
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:51 PM
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Good for you for 9 months of recovery!

I think resentments are a natural part of recovery. But, when we can't let go of resentment we have, that's a problem.

Have you talked to your husband and told him exactly how you feel about the issue of the car keys? It's a fine line, because I know in my case, I had spent most of three years drinking and I wanted everything to be okay as soon as I stopped drinking. I think there is such a fine line between a 'normal' wariness and simply making you feel bad.

With the cell phone and wedding ring, I think you might have to make a decision to let it go. If you don't or can't, it could seriously affect your mental health and your marriage. Again, talking to your husband and expressing how you feel could help.
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:51 PM
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Reminds me a lot about my family and the Co-Dependacy and Enabling troubles we had.
Resentments are the number one killer. The family is just as sick as the alcoholic.
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:52 PM
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And steps 1-3.
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:00 PM
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When I resented how someone treated me, it was usually because I didn't want to face my role in the situation. Resenting someone was easier than working on me.
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:08 PM
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Peppy, 9 months is wonderful and you should be so very proud of yourself.
The husband thing is very tricky, they tell us communication is the key.
I understand the resentments and feel your pain. However, resentments have the power to destroy and pollute all that is good. We may be finished with our past but our past is not finished with us.
Time is a great healer.
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:08 PM
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I saw something similar in my family when I got sober. I was 22 at the time. Both I and my mother were chronic alchys, and my sister was none too well either. It drove my dad up the wall. His son who should have grown up, and his wife, both out of control, both unable to manage their own lives.

So, for many years he had done what he could to help us manage our affairs. There had of course been previous unsuccesful attempts to solve our problems, geographicals, changes of jobs, changes of friends, counselling, treatment, new interests, you name it, nothing worked.

So when I turn up at AA and start making progress, poor old Dad could hardly believe his eyes. There had been so many let downs before, that he was cautious in the extreme about believing that this AA thing might actually work. And who could blame him?

As a consequence there was some tension when I began to want to take control of my own affairs. He was frightened I would make a mistake and fall off the wagon, he had got his hopes up before and had them dashed.

The only thing for me to do was (step 4) look at my part in it. I didn't have to look very hard to see I was responsible, not him. He didn't let me down, he stuck with me through thick and thin. His current reluctance to trust me was caused directly by my alcoholism and self centredness.

Once I saw my fault I was in a position to contemplate amends. These took several forms over a period of years, but there did come a point where we were totally reconciled. He died a few years back now, and there was complete peace and love between us.

Families are always the last to come around. It takes time. And it takes the ability to recognise our part. When we offer an amends, to family or anyone else, we do it unconditionally. We do the action, but God handles the results. Sometimes there is forgiveness and reconciliation at once, sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it never happens. Thy will, not mine....

But if we approach amends in a conditional way, with expectations on the other party, we are heading for disappointment. We have not acquired sufficient humility, possibly something has been missed in the preceeding steps. The last paragraph on page 75 asks some questions which might guide you to a solution.
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:16 PM
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is it possible you had expectations tied to those amends to your husband? each of his actions you describe were when you were drinking....and you admit you were out of control. drunk driving, texts to other men (i'm guessing, you said unsavory), and the general "fun n games" of living with a drunk. I guess you could put it in perspective......he could have split.

as it is, you are sober today and he is still there. are the keys to his car REALLY the issue here?
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:20 PM
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I read someone's signature here that said "holding onto resentments is like holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone. We are the ones who get burned." Makes sense to me.
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Old 02-16-2014, 05:21 PM
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I have to echo the steps 4-7 on this one. Did you talk to your sponsor or someone else about this and list out your part in it? It's so hard sometimes to let go of resentments but they truly only hurt the holder.

Congrats on 9 months, btw!
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