Need Advice on my reationship with an A
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Need Advice on my reationship with an A
I'm new on this site. I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. I've never been around alcoholism so this is new for me. At first, I didn't want to believe it, thinking that he just liked to drink, but he's definitely an alcoholic.
When I first notice how much he was drinking, he said that "he's working on it" and that "it's just beer". He became more and more comfortable allowing me to see him drink, despite my clear disapproval. He just wanted me to accept that he's working on it and not to become a nag.
He would drink after work every day. Then he lost his job (due to anger) and then started drinking all day.
He thinks I should just overlook it, since I love him. He thinks that I should take his word that he's "working on it". Fearing for any future between us and his health, I'm expected to just keep silent and focus on the Good things our relationship.
The good things: He's funny, fun, sweet, thoughtful, supportive and a best friend, smart, educated, handsome, has a great family
I don't know what to do. I've been to Alanon; heard some of the stories.
He always says that he wants to marry, but how can we? I don't understand how to move forward. This can't be healthy.
When he drinks, he's mostly very sweet, but can also become angry if someone looks cross eyed at him and then he thinks he's a tough guy. Plus, the alcohol sometimes brings out inappropriate behaviors, poor judgment and tendency to beg friends/family for money and of course, his health is a major concern.
He wanted to do something nice on Valentines day for me which was so sweet, but I asked "are you going to drink" and he said "I can't promise I won't." which turned into a bit of an argument over my feelings about his drinking, which made me emotional and he said, "I don't want to talk when you are emotional, which led me to say, I don't feel like getting together today.
I haven't talked to him since. I feel guilty because we would have had a nice time if I could just block out his drinking, which is impossible and it's getting to be too much.
I was told that, since my words do nothing, that I am enabling him just by being in his life and letting him drink in my presence. So, I don't want to do that anymore, but he can't help it; he can't stop. I feel very stressed, sad and worried over this. I'm not sure what to do. He's such a good guy, but this addiction is killing him and wearing me down.
He now has replaced beer with wine. He doesn't do the hard stuff. I don't know if that makes things any better or not.
Last thing I said was "alcohol is ruining our relationship" and chose not to get together with him. What should I do next? Call him or should this be a time to make an ultimatum? Can anything good come out of this? Thanks!
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
When I first notice how much he was drinking, he said that "he's working on it" and that "it's just beer". He became more and more comfortable allowing me to see him drink, despite my clear disapproval. He just wanted me to accept that he's working on it and not to become a nag.
He would drink after work every day. Then he lost his job (due to anger) and then started drinking all day.
He thinks I should just overlook it, since I love him. He thinks that I should take his word that he's "working on it". Fearing for any future between us and his health, I'm expected to just keep silent and focus on the Good things our relationship.
The good things: He's funny, fun, sweet, thoughtful, supportive and a best friend, smart, educated, handsome, has a great family
I don't know what to do. I've been to Alanon; heard some of the stories.
He always says that he wants to marry, but how can we? I don't understand how to move forward. This can't be healthy.
When he drinks, he's mostly very sweet, but can also become angry if someone looks cross eyed at him and then he thinks he's a tough guy. Plus, the alcohol sometimes brings out inappropriate behaviors, poor judgment and tendency to beg friends/family for money and of course, his health is a major concern.
He wanted to do something nice on Valentines day for me which was so sweet, but I asked "are you going to drink" and he said "I can't promise I won't." which turned into a bit of an argument over my feelings about his drinking, which made me emotional and he said, "I don't want to talk when you are emotional, which led me to say, I don't feel like getting together today.
I haven't talked to him since. I feel guilty because we would have had a nice time if I could just block out his drinking, which is impossible and it's getting to be too much.
I was told that, since my words do nothing, that I am enabling him just by being in his life and letting him drink in my presence. So, I don't want to do that anymore, but he can't help it; he can't stop. I feel very stressed, sad and worried over this. I'm not sure what to do. He's such a good guy, but this addiction is killing him and wearing me down.
He now has replaced beer with wine. He doesn't do the hard stuff. I don't know if that makes things any better or not.
Last thing I said was "alcohol is ruining our relationship" and chose not to get together with him. What should I do next? Call him or should this be a time to make an ultimatum? Can anything good come out of this? Thanks!
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Welcome to SR!
After only a year of dating, the only advice I have is to drop that fool and change your phone number.
Alcoholism is progressive and will likely get worse and there are no guarantees that it'll ever get any better. It's also a selfish disease and the recovery process is a life long selfish process as well.
After only a year of dating, the only advice I have is to drop that fool and change your phone number.
Alcoholism is progressive and will likely get worse and there are no guarantees that it'll ever get any better. It's also a selfish disease and the recovery process is a life long selfish process as well.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
Posts: 71
There is a thread from earlier today or yesterday that is fairly similar. Echo the comments above given you barely know him at a year
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi Carmen,
All of the positives you described in your alcoholic are the same qualities I can say my spouse of 22 years has. He's educated, intelligent, or he is when sober but alcohol seems to have made him a little dumb too while sober. He's good looking, or was until all the alcohol started to age him, and boy does it age a person! He is so kind, warm, & sensitive until he's had liquor and then he says little snide hateful comments that are hurtful, or he's quiet, but always comes home to the family though physically here he may not be mentally so what's the point. My alcoholic only drank beer when I first met him but he's graduated on up the ladder of harder stuff going from wine to high percent Belgium beers to crown. Over our years together he went from a man with high morals to a man that has had 2 DUI's, one of which was out of state while he was caring for our children. This upright guy also became a man didn't care if he drove our own children while drunk scaring them.
I just say all of this because this is likely to be your future if you don't make the right choices for yourself now. Your alcoholic will not magically get better and if he refuses to get help it WILL get worse.
I don't know how long you've been going to alanon but I would encourage you to find someone within your group to talk with you one on one to really know what you're getting into if you stay in this relationship. So far it sounds like you did real good by not accepting the behavior. It's taken me years to finally say no to it & I'm still struggling & will be for a while to come. Please don't feel guilty for doing what is in your best interest.
Good luck!
All of the positives you described in your alcoholic are the same qualities I can say my spouse of 22 years has. He's educated, intelligent, or he is when sober but alcohol seems to have made him a little dumb too while sober. He's good looking, or was until all the alcohol started to age him, and boy does it age a person! He is so kind, warm, & sensitive until he's had liquor and then he says little snide hateful comments that are hurtful, or he's quiet, but always comes home to the family though physically here he may not be mentally so what's the point. My alcoholic only drank beer when I first met him but he's graduated on up the ladder of harder stuff going from wine to high percent Belgium beers to crown. Over our years together he went from a man with high morals to a man that has had 2 DUI's, one of which was out of state while he was caring for our children. This upright guy also became a man didn't care if he drove our own children while drunk scaring them.
I just say all of this because this is likely to be your future if you don't make the right choices for yourself now. Your alcoholic will not magically get better and if he refuses to get help it WILL get worse.
I don't know how long you've been going to alanon but I would encourage you to find someone within your group to talk with you one on one to really know what you're getting into if you stay in this relationship. So far it sounds like you did real good by not accepting the behavior. It's taken me years to finally say no to it & I'm still struggling & will be for a while to come. Please don't feel guilty for doing what is in your best interest.
Good luck!
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by carmen220 
What should I do next? Call him or should this be a time to make an ultimatum? Can anything good come out of this? Thanks!
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
As an alcoholic I can tell you that ultimatums do not work. We just learn to hide it better.
Him telling you to "accept it", "i'm working on it", "I can't promise" "get over it", etc are tactics we use to manipulate you and is a delay tactic so we can continue to drink.
Our ultimate goal is go get drunk. And god help anyone who gets in the way of that. Doesn't matter if it is beer, wine or the hard stuff. It is still alcohol.
Borrowing money is a big red flag. Got to have that to feed the beast. When I was drinking if I had only enough money for food or booze, well the booze won out every time. I borrowed money lots when I was drinking.
We are very good at making ourselves look good, but in the end, it is a façade. Even when we do quit drinking, the alcoholism will always be there. And you will find that we have tons of issues that we were hiding when we were drinking. There is no cure for it and it can rear it's ugly head at anytime. This is something to really think about.
You are only a year in on this relationship. This is just my opinion, but save yourself the heartache and walk away now. Just the fact you are uncomfortable with his drinking is a red flag. As others have said we normally get way worse before we get better.
You will find lots of good support and advice here. I think you are one smart cookie for coming here and posting. At the end of the day you need to what is best for Carmen, not what is best for the person with the drinking problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Carmen, I thought my H would outgrow his drinking. He must have told me every time we talked about his drinking that it was just beer. He got worse and worse and would never admit to his problem.
The best assessment I could suggest is to look at alcohol as the third person in your relationship. Sounds like he is already choosing her over you. If he is already showing signs of not being able to control his drinking, she may even have a genetic advantage. There is no reason to compete against alcohol. You can't fix him.
The best assessment I could suggest is to look at alcohol as the third person in your relationship. Sounds like he is already choosing her over you. If he is already showing signs of not being able to control his drinking, she may even have a genetic advantage. There is no reason to compete against alcohol. You can't fix him.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by carmen220
He now has replaced beer with wine. He doesn't do the hard stuff. I don't know if that makes things any better or not.
"alcohol is ruining our relationship"
"alcohol is ruining our relationship"
He's not ready to quit. Go ahead and make your ultimatum but they rarely work. They either drive the drinking underground or your ABF will call you on your bluff and you'll have to decide what to do.
I personally feel action is more effective than words. You know where you stand and that your relationship is unsustainable.
I'm sure he has many wonderful qualities, but he's choosing to drown them so be wary of staying for the sober version because you're not going to see that very much.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by LadyinBC
Him telling you to "accept it", "i'm working on it", "I can't promise" "get over it", etc are tactics we use to manipulate you and is a delay tactic so we can continue to drink....Borrowing money is a big red flag. Got to have that to feed the beast. When I was drinking if I had only enough money for food or booze, well the booze won out every time. I borrowed money lots when I was drinking.
WOW. And, now that I look back and know some of the things I do, he has borrowed large sums of money from wealthy family members. I just always thought we had a short month or something because I was so un-involved with our finances. WOW. I haven't been a very smart cookie. Thanks for that.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Katchie
I haven't been a very smart cookie.
Promises are simply things that someone wants to hear. Actions is what shows that we are serious about quitting.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by CodeJob
The best assessment I could suggest is to look at alcohol as the third person in your relationship. Sounds like he is already choosing her over you. If he is already showing signs of not being able to control his drinking, she may even have a genetic advantage. There is no reason to compete against alcohol. You can't fix him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Thanks everyone for the advice.
I still haven't spoken to him in three days. I feel guilty, because he was planning a nice valentines, but suppressing my feelings regarding his drinking has sort of reach a peak. I couldn't hold it in any longer. He is an active drinker. I simply don't want him drinking around me, but he is always drinking, so that really causes a problem for us.
He is NOT mean or horrible while he's drinking. It's just the fact that he IS drinking, so much, all the time. He's kind to me. He thinks that's all that should matter. It messes with my mind. I think, "he's good and kind" but "he won't stop drinking."
Mostly, he's wonderful, but at times the alcoholic personality comes through and I never know when it will happen. When it does, I try to overlook it. The biggest thing is
1. his health; how can I even dream of a future with someone who is willingly destroying his health.
2. moments of rage (only towards other men/strangers) which is embarrassing and makes no sense. he also likes to pretend to be yelling at me, as a "joke", for others to hear. I was upset by that; he said he won't do it anymore and he hasn't.
3. sometimes sexually inappropriate (I try to overlook it because I believe it's the affects of the alcohol).
4. borrowing money from his family, friends. To me, it's just wrong. He's trying to work on borrowing from me, but he knows that I'm very resistant to it.
5. I always have to drive; so much for feeling like the lady
6. he tends to be controlling, which leads to me defending myself/an argument which is exhausting to me.
7. when drunk, he sends txt messages that make no sense.
Aside from these things, he's been supportive, a best friend, thoughtful, loving. I'm so confused. I feel so torn in 2 different directions.
I keep dreaming of a possibility of him getting better and being the real him. When he came into my life, I thanked god, because I had been single for awhile and had given up. Does anything good ever come out of these situations?
p.s. I would be interested whether you guys suggest any boundaries I can set to help him move toward getting help. For example, I think I set my first one, by not wanting to spend time with him while drinking (which means I'll never see him, I guess). Also, are the alcoholic traits that I mentioned typical?
I still haven't spoken to him in three days. I feel guilty, because he was planning a nice valentines, but suppressing my feelings regarding his drinking has sort of reach a peak. I couldn't hold it in any longer. He is an active drinker. I simply don't want him drinking around me, but he is always drinking, so that really causes a problem for us.
He is NOT mean or horrible while he's drinking. It's just the fact that he IS drinking, so much, all the time. He's kind to me. He thinks that's all that should matter. It messes with my mind. I think, "he's good and kind" but "he won't stop drinking."
Mostly, he's wonderful, but at times the alcoholic personality comes through and I never know when it will happen. When it does, I try to overlook it. The biggest thing is
1. his health; how can I even dream of a future with someone who is willingly destroying his health.
2. moments of rage (only towards other men/strangers) which is embarrassing and makes no sense. he also likes to pretend to be yelling at me, as a "joke", for others to hear. I was upset by that; he said he won't do it anymore and he hasn't.
3. sometimes sexually inappropriate (I try to overlook it because I believe it's the affects of the alcohol).
4. borrowing money from his family, friends. To me, it's just wrong. He's trying to work on borrowing from me, but he knows that I'm very resistant to it.
5. I always have to drive; so much for feeling like the lady
6. he tends to be controlling, which leads to me defending myself/an argument which is exhausting to me.
7. when drunk, he sends txt messages that make no sense.
Aside from these things, he's been supportive, a best friend, thoughtful, loving. I'm so confused. I feel so torn in 2 different directions.
I keep dreaming of a possibility of him getting better and being the real him. When he came into my life, I thanked god, because I had been single for awhile and had given up. Does anything good ever come out of these situations?
p.s. I would be interested whether you guys suggest any boundaries I can set to help him move toward getting help. For example, I think I set my first one, by not wanting to spend time with him while drinking (which means I'll never see him, I guess). Also, are the alcoholic traits that I mentioned typical?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Carmen, my AH was always "good and kind" too--until he so very very gradually was NOT good and kind. It is indeed a progressive disease. He went from very attentive, kind, helpful, thoughtful (and these traits were not just directed towards me, but towards almost anyone he encountered) to sometimes distracted and a little more selfish. Then he got downright oblivious (he would almost never remember conversations we had or things I told him, and when confronted about it, he would say "well, I guess it just wasn't important enough to commit to memory!" That sure made me feel good...). He would have temper tantrums about ridiculous things. He would pout and huff about things like the fact that I was sitting in the chair that HE sits in to put on his socks. And he started to say unkind things, both to me and to our 3 dogs.
It was so very slow, so very gradual--I had no idea he was even drinking during most of this, but I just felt something slipping away in our relationship. I couldn't say what or why, just that things weren't right. Now, looking back, I can't believe I accepted that treatment. No, he wasn't mean or horrible, but he was most assuredly a self-centered ass who lied to me over and over and treated me with disrespect. That's no bargain, either!
When we think of abuse, we think of screaming fights and physical blows, but it can be much more subtle, too. And it leaves marks, just the same. Don't get caught in this slow gradual decay--get to Alanon, get some support and education for yourself, and then see how you feel and how things look.
It was so very slow, so very gradual--I had no idea he was even drinking during most of this, but I just felt something slipping away in our relationship. I couldn't say what or why, just that things weren't right. Now, looking back, I can't believe I accepted that treatment. No, he wasn't mean or horrible, but he was most assuredly a self-centered ass who lied to me over and over and treated me with disrespect. That's no bargain, either!
When we think of abuse, we think of screaming fights and physical blows, but it can be much more subtle, too. And it leaves marks, just the same. Don't get caught in this slow gradual decay--get to Alanon, get some support and education for yourself, and then see how you feel and how things look.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
we would have had a nice time if I could just block out his drinking
sometimes sexually inappropriate (I try to overlook it because I believe it's the affects of the alcohol).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
3. sometimes sexually inappropriate (I try to overlook it because I believe it's the affects of the alcohol).
Why does drinking make this acceptable?
Everything you listed is typical of alcoholics/addicts. There will also be worse things as it progresses. He's violent toward others but not you- yet. Believe me, that can change in a split second. I see a lot of posts on here that start with "My alcoholic would never- hit me, get a dui, harm my children, etc." The fact is, you don't know WHAT an alcoholic will do. Alcohol destroys the brain, and a person caught up in addiction will do just about anything to protect that addiction. Not to purposely harm you, but because they have no control over it. If he can't control it, then why do you think your words will have any effect on him?
You say you don't want him drinking around you, but he is always drinking. That is who he is. If that's not what you want from a relationship, then this isn't the relationship for you. Making boundaries isn't going to change that.
I made a boundary with my ex- I will not live in a home with active alcoholism. That resulted in me moving out for good last September.
Like Lillamy said- This could be as good as it ever gets, is that enough for you?
Why does drinking make this acceptable?
Everything you listed is typical of alcoholics/addicts. There will also be worse things as it progresses. He's violent toward others but not you- yet. Believe me, that can change in a split second. I see a lot of posts on here that start with "My alcoholic would never- hit me, get a dui, harm my children, etc." The fact is, you don't know WHAT an alcoholic will do. Alcohol destroys the brain, and a person caught up in addiction will do just about anything to protect that addiction. Not to purposely harm you, but because they have no control over it. If he can't control it, then why do you think your words will have any effect on him?
You say you don't want him drinking around you, but he is always drinking. That is who he is. If that's not what you want from a relationship, then this isn't the relationship for you. Making boundaries isn't going to change that.
I made a boundary with my ex- I will not live in a home with active alcoholism. That resulted in me moving out for good last September.
Like Lillamy said- This could be as good as it ever gets, is that enough for you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Ultimatum? I think in a way you've already done that. YOu told him you didn't want to get together if he was going to drink. You're uncomfortable with it. Why call him? If he cared how you felt about it he would have made an attempt to contact you, and he'd be staying sober working a program.
I know it sounds harsh. The thing is, he can only stop when he wants to. And he clearly doesn't. And no, wine isn't an improvement over beer.
I was like you about 15 years ago...I'd had no experience with alcoholism, didn't even know what to look for. I was 21. Everyone drank. But he was 8 years older than me, still thinking he was 21 and there were no consquences.
I spent ten years of my life with him. I'd say about 8 of them were the worst years of my life. It got progressively worse. No amount of me begging, crying or talking helped. Looking back, I should have run fast and far. But then I had a daughter, and then another one. When my oldest was starting to act out I knew it was time to go.
He lost everything. Every job he's ever had. Me. His home. His children.
He still drinks to this day.
Alcoholics CAN get better. But I wouldn't bet my life on it if I were you. If you love him, and he loves you, he needs to be in recovery. For a long time. and if he wants to do that you need to stand back, way back, and let him.
If it's meant to be, you will end up together. But please please please, in the meantime, don't subject yourself to the madness.
I know it sounds harsh. The thing is, he can only stop when he wants to. And he clearly doesn't. And no, wine isn't an improvement over beer.
I was like you about 15 years ago...I'd had no experience with alcoholism, didn't even know what to look for. I was 21. Everyone drank. But he was 8 years older than me, still thinking he was 21 and there were no consquences.
I spent ten years of my life with him. I'd say about 8 of them were the worst years of my life. It got progressively worse. No amount of me begging, crying or talking helped. Looking back, I should have run fast and far. But then I had a daughter, and then another one. When my oldest was starting to act out I knew it was time to go.
He lost everything. Every job he's ever had. Me. His home. His children.
He still drinks to this day.
Alcoholics CAN get better. But I wouldn't bet my life on it if I were you. If you love him, and he loves you, he needs to be in recovery. For a long time. and if he wants to do that you need to stand back, way back, and let him.
If it's meant to be, you will end up together. But please please please, in the meantime, don't subject yourself to the madness.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Don't call him.
You already gave the ultimatum when you told him drinking was ruining your relationship.
Balls in his court.
Take care of you.
You already gave the ultimatum when you told him drinking was ruining your relationship.
Balls in his court.
Take care of you.
Originally Posted by carmen220
I'm new on this site. I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. I've never been around alcoholism so this is new for me. At first, I didn't want to believe it, thinking that he just liked to drink, but he's definitely an alcoholic.
When I first notice how much he was drinking, he said that "he's working on it" and that "it's just beer". He became more and more comfortable allowing me to see him drink, despite my clear disapproval. He just wanted me to accept that he's working on it and not to become a nag.
He would drink after work every day. Then he lost his job (due to anger) and then started drinking all day.
He thinks I should just overlook it, since I love him. He thinks that I should take his word that he's "working on it". Fearing for any future between us and his health, I'm expected to just keep silent and focus on the Good things our relationship.
The good things: He's funny, fun, sweet, thoughtful, supportive and a best friend, smart, educated, handsome, has a great family
I don't know what to do. I've been to Alanon; heard some of the stories.
He always says that he wants to marry, but how can we? I don't understand how to move forward. This can't be healthy.
When he drinks, he's mostly very sweet, but can also become angry if someone looks cross eyed at him and then he thinks he's a tough guy. Plus, the alcohol sometimes brings out inappropriate behaviors, poor judgment and tendency to beg friends/family for money and of course, his health is a major concern.
He wanted to do something nice on Valentines day for me which was so sweet, but I asked "are you going to drink" and he said "I can't promise I won't." which turned into a bit of an argument over my feelings about his drinking, which made me emotional and he said, "I don't want to talk when you are emotional, which led me to say, I don't feel like getting together today.
I haven't talked to him since. I feel guilty because we would have had a nice time if I could just block out his drinking, which is impossible and it's getting to be too much.
I was told that, since my words do nothing, that I am enabling him just by being in his life and letting him drink in my presence. So, I don't want to do that anymore, but he can't help it; he can't stop. I feel very stressed, sad and worried over this. I'm not sure what to do. He's such a good guy, but this addiction is killing him and wearing me down.
He now has replaced beer with wine. He doesn't do the hard stuff. I don't know if that makes things any better or not.
Last thing I said was "alcohol is ruining our relationship" and chose not to get together with him. What should I do next? Call him or should this be a time to make an ultimatum? Can anything good come out of this? Thanks!
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
When I first notice how much he was drinking, he said that "he's working on it" and that "it's just beer". He became more and more comfortable allowing me to see him drink, despite my clear disapproval. He just wanted me to accept that he's working on it and not to become a nag.
He would drink after work every day. Then he lost his job (due to anger) and then started drinking all day.
He thinks I should just overlook it, since I love him. He thinks that I should take his word that he's "working on it". Fearing for any future between us and his health, I'm expected to just keep silent and focus on the Good things our relationship.
The good things: He's funny, fun, sweet, thoughtful, supportive and a best friend, smart, educated, handsome, has a great family
I don't know what to do. I've been to Alanon; heard some of the stories.
He always says that he wants to marry, but how can we? I don't understand how to move forward. This can't be healthy.
When he drinks, he's mostly very sweet, but can also become angry if someone looks cross eyed at him and then he thinks he's a tough guy. Plus, the alcohol sometimes brings out inappropriate behaviors, poor judgment and tendency to beg friends/family for money and of course, his health is a major concern.
He wanted to do something nice on Valentines day for me which was so sweet, but I asked "are you going to drink" and he said "I can't promise I won't." which turned into a bit of an argument over my feelings about his drinking, which made me emotional and he said, "I don't want to talk when you are emotional, which led me to say, I don't feel like getting together today.
I haven't talked to him since. I feel guilty because we would have had a nice time if I could just block out his drinking, which is impossible and it's getting to be too much.
I was told that, since my words do nothing, that I am enabling him just by being in his life and letting him drink in my presence. So, I don't want to do that anymore, but he can't help it; he can't stop. I feel very stressed, sad and worried over this. I'm not sure what to do. He's such a good guy, but this addiction is killing him and wearing me down.
He now has replaced beer with wine. He doesn't do the hard stuff. I don't know if that makes things any better or not.
Last thing I said was "alcohol is ruining our relationship" and chose not to get together with him. What should I do next? Call him or should this be a time to make an ultimatum? Can anything good come out of this? Thanks!
I'm also trying to understand alcoholic manipulations that I should watch out for. Is borrowing money typical?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by Katchie
. My AH recently told me that, while he is going to AA as of a little over a week, he cannot promise me that he won't ever drink again but he is working on it..
In any case, to the OP, if he wouldn't stop drinking for just one little day because you asked him to, he's not going to stop drinking. At all. As other said, is this something you're willing to put up with? It sounds like you do not live with this man - good for you! My advice is to not ignore what your gut is telling you, and move on. It's not going to get any better with him, sorry to say.
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