LoveMeNow

I know I have been making a lot threads lately but since Ann, told me I would not walk alone .... blame her.

So thankfully, he was been gone all day but just got back. He has been drinking and pills, I am sure. He told me he found a condo and will be moving out by the end of the week. He asked me if I wanted to see the pictures of it, (the bait). I nicely told him "no, thank you." I really am not interested in his future anymore.

He, then wanted to discuss, dividing things up. I already know what I will be taking. Now a smarter person would refuse to engage with someone who us obviously impaired, but in my case.....that would be never.

He doesn't want to split up our bedroom set. He wants an expensive clock or the fountain. I started to get my "you blew our money on pills" attitude when I caught myself. I just said "take whatever you want, I don't care." And I don't.

Rome is burning all around and he cares about our bedroom set staying in tact. Lol. The entitlement and insanity is almost laughable at this point. I have God and myself and that is all I need.

Rome may be burning but out of the ashes, a Phoenix rises.

Pedro1234

You have a fantastic attitude for someone in your situation LoveMeNow. You will be fine

Ann

Poo on him. You have grace and courage and all of us and God too...all he has is "stuff".

When he tries to move that bedroom set, may he get a splinter in a place one ought not get splintered.

Good for you for not taking his bait.

hugs

BlueChair

Im sorry your going through this, its hard for me to read about it in some ways but I know it’s the reality of addiction and how it destroys marriages and families. Probably the sooner you can leave the better he will be emotional and will cope by using, be grateful you have better skills to handle your emotions. I would think letting go of some of the furnishings would be easier than taking the memories into your new space. If he is leaving to a condo, can you stay there? I thought earlier your moving too? I wish you a peaceful transition however it ends.

Txhelp

You sounds so very strong...good for you to not engage with him.

Your analogy of Rome burning around him and he's concerned about the bedroom set....it struck home.

When I kicked my husband out, after I found out he was using. He started packing. He then asked me if I wanted to buy the dresser that he purchased (a year ago) that matched me existing bedroom set (prior to marriage). All I could do was stare at him in disbelief. He then went on to stating how he wanted my wedding ring back?! Again...I gave him a blank stare....

He is now in recovery and doing very well. We spoke of this incident after he finished rehab. He said he was angry and really felt that it was a little control that he thought he might have....when he had none!

LoveMeNow

I find myself so desperately wanting to tell him how much he has hurt himself, our family and me. Today, I know the difference though, he simply is unable to care. It's not personal, I know that but it still stings. It's frustrating to know my words can not be heard or felt. It's sad to see the man with whom I shared so much of my life is now a complete stranger. I want to hug him, one last time and say goodbye, I wish you well but I know I can't. His body is just a shell and his soul is lost. May God's love and mercy help us all.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Txhelp

Yes lovemenow....it's not personal. They hate themselves and hate their lives....it's pure darkness.

My husband is so honest now since being in recovery. The incite he's given me, now sober, into an addicts head is priceless. It's so sad and dark.

When I kicked him out...I felt for him. Like you said he was a shell.

Now his spiritual life is bright as ever. God has truly given him the tools for restoration and led him to a larger, than he had ever hoped, future.

LoveMeNow

That's awesome. I am really happy for both of you. I desperately wanted God to save us too. I asked, I prayed, I begged, I screamed and I cried. Although, my husband has not been saved (yet), I am on my way and for that, I am truly thankful.

Txhelp

Sometimes it doesn't work out...Life is strange and unpredictable.

You sound very strong though as a strong woman myself I have vasillatted between not feeling strong to not wanting to be strong! Could someone take this burden from me? Ugh!

Keep believing that your life will show its purpose and beauty. Sometimes, after the storm and cleAnup there is a fresh new feeling...a rebuilding. May you be gentle with yourself. When you feel weak ...allow yourself to.grieve you loss in its time

Ann

LMN, I think it's good your are processing your feelings and sharing here. Addiction shakes the family to the core and it's like trying to stop an earthquake when it happens.

Try to spend some time each day someplace that makes you happy, having the front row seat to active addiction is having the worst seat in the house.

Come walk with me today, it is -21C and if we bundle up and wear our long johns, we will hardly notice our noses freezing on our face. We will get some hot chocolate and pour it on our feet.

Hope that made you smile.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Well, today is the day!! I begin packing my things!! It's strange because I feel so numb. I am little anxious about when he gets home!! I know he doesn't believe me, why should he? I have no credibility left. For the first time, he will hear my actions.

He is making it easier though. Saturday, he was willing to go to rehab if I would stay with him when I didn't respond, on Sunday, he went for a few drinks. Talk about manipulation. But how can I blame him, it has worked soooo..... tooooo many times.

Hope was my drug. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite. I was an addict, begging for some more hope. With each an every hopeful word, I knew the truth, but it didn't matter. I kept hoping for the best, now I am prepared for the worst. Hope came with a high price. I realize now, Reality is such a better place to live!! It's the only place I can be true to myself.

Vale

Hope was my drug. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite. I was an addict, begging for some more hope. With each an every hopeful word, I knew the truth, but it didn't matter. I kept hoping for the best
================================================== ===============
LMN.....you damned thief! You STOLE these thoughts from me!

(e.g. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite)

Sitting there, on whatever street corner I met her on.......listening to her drone on
and on and on about impossibly improbable situations that were "sure things"-----
desperately hoping all of my life experience was wrong....and that there was the
smallest sliver of probability that this dreamtalking has a .0000000001% of actually
happening.......all the while knowing there was not a shred of a chance.

(but sitting there cheerleading nonetheless......all the while thinking 'you are beyond the
point of no return, you don't have the slightest passing familiarity with reality; you are in
free fall and you think you are flying.')

Pressing the C-note into her hand and just hoping she would stop talking and GO.
Was I wrong to cling to those hopes? What do you say to a kid that tells you he's gonna
command a space shuttle when you know in your heart the cruel reality that with his
past----he wouldn't stand a chance of gaining the security clearance required to be on
the post-launch pad cleanup crew?

Hope was MY drug too, LMN. I swore it'd be just a weekend thing.....then it wasn't.
I swore I'd never 'rail' hope (lie to others to cover up)...then I did. Codependency is as
sneaky and cunning a disorder as heroin......but without the track marks.

LoveMeNow

Vale, I didn't steal them from you ..... You rented them from me. Now where is my c-note, Jackson's please.



If don't laugh, we would never stop crying!! Addiction is just that cruel and evil.

Vale

(I stand corrected!)

Laughter, crying, cruelty, and evil.
One of these makes you feel good!

(screw the other 3)

.....Benjamins not good enough?!?!

(true story: show up with c-note. Asks for more convenient denominations.
Here is someone giving you free money----My bad! How COULD a codie be
so thoughtless!! You'd have thought I brought Spanish Doubloons! Or Monopoly
money or.......GASP!.....Euro's!!!)

Ann

I always did okay with hope, hope was that little candle burning in my heart that told me all things are possible...just that I don't control all things.

Now expectations...they got me in trouble every time. When my son told me that he would do something, I expected that he would...because that's what normal people do. But he wasn't normal and I wasn't normal and we didn't live anywhere near a normal world.

With recovery and time away from my son and all the darkness of addiction, I was able to cross over into another world, maybe not so much normal but filled with peace and beauty and joy and days upon end where I could be happy and not keep looking over my shoulder to see if my old life was catching up with me again.

You will be there soon, LMN, once you step away from the chaos you will find peace, I promise. New beginnings await you, don't be scared, we're walking beside you all the way. I'm the one carrying the cheesecake.

Hugs

Vale

Ann is right.

As much as I make jokes----it is only a distraction to take our minds away
from what a truly awful thing this phenomenon is.

Life, at least in the first world----is akin to a petting zoo. Cute animals accosting
small kids for food pellets, babies squealing with joy as the goats nibble the food from
their hands.

Happiness.

Addiction is a slaughterhouse, a North Korea, an awful nightmare. Like Ann said,
you will be free of it soon. And your SR buddies will be walking right beside you....

....We can even feed some of Ann's cheesecake to those damned greedy goats.

(meaning yours & Ann's portion----I get to keep and eat mine!)

Did you ever see the bumper sticker "wag more/bark less"?

..........How about more petting zoo (life).....less slaughterhouse (addiction).

....we've paid our dues. I think we deserve it.

hopeful4

Ann has said it perfectly. Hope is a wonderful thing that we should never lose. Expectations....that is another story. I have learned through alot of hard work that the only expectations I can have are of myself.

Thank you for the insightful words. LoveMeNow....my heart is with you.

God Bless.

LoveMeNow

I agree, hope can be great thing. However, I can not live in hope any longer. I need to live in reality. I can still hope....but I will do it from a distance. But for today, I am letting go of hope that my marriage could survive this. I am letting go of hope that this nightmare will have a different outcome.

I can not just hope that I have a better life of ahead of me. I must have faith and determination to make it better. So for today, I am letting go of hope and replacing it with faith. Faith in God and faith in myself.

LoveMeNow

Posted by Cynical one.

Are You A Hopium Addict?
Posted 04-25-2013 at 12:04 AM by cynical one
Are You A Hopium Addict?
By Annie Kaszina

If the question alone was enough to make you recoil in horror, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the term couldn’t possibly apply to you. You may not have heard the term before, but your reaction may be because you are a closet hopium addict.

What is the definition of a hopium addict? ‘A hopium addict is someone who puts their own emotional needs on hold, while they wait for their partner to kick their addiction – be it to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or emotionally and physically abusive behaviour – despite all the evidence to the contrary’.

Addiction to drugs, alcohol and gambling are easy enough to identify. The addiction to emotionally and physically abusive behaviour is generally far less readily identifiable, at least to the woman who is on the receiving end of it.

You see, women don’t intentionally fall in love with a bully. They’ll fall in love with someone who’s strong, masterful, in control, masculine, powerful, resourceful, confident; in short, someone who’ll complete them, someone who appears to embody all the old fashioned stereotypes of what a man is. (Or, at least, what a man was before the feminists started to challenge the stereotype.)

Now, the man who appears to embody all these stereotypes, behaves in a particular way that allows his conquest to slip into: ‘I’m-a-princess-and-I’ve-finally-been-rescued-by-my-prince’ mode. Suddenly, all the burdens of coping on her own have been lifted from her shoulders. Suddenly, she’ll never have to ‘do’ life alone again…

By rights, these couples should just walk off into the sunset happily together, the man chivalrously keeping his sword slung over his right hip to protect his lady from danger…. Except that it’s not really like that.

Abusive men start out very charming and chivalrous and in control. They tend to be fast wooers – because the veneer of confident masculinity is actually rather thin and brittle. Underpinning the veneer there is a profound sense of personal inadequacy. (If you listen to them long enough they’ll tell you that key female figures in their life have wronged them. At bottom, they mistrust all women.)

Once the fog of hormones, pheromones and straight lust starts to lift, things play out rather differently. Abusive men seek commitment yet loathe the demands it imposes on them. They encourage their partner to depend on them, then become acutely resentful of the dependency they see.

This resentment, increasingly, reveals itself in reproaches, fault finding, withdrawal of intimacy and escalating outbursts of anger. Whether or not physical violence is used, the nature of these outbursts is violent, inasmuch as it shatters trust and undermines the woman’s feelings of self-worth.

The man may, or may not, threaten to leave. Almost certainly, he will point out to his partner how fundamentally flawed and unworthy she is. The woman is likely to have difficulty in reconciling this stranger, who is incandescent with self-righteous fury, with the prince who wooed her.

An attack of this kind is devastating and, at least in the early days, the woman is likely to reveal the depth of her distress. When she does so, the man’s fury will subside and he will revert to being her loving cavalier… for a while at least.

The point is: an abusive man restores his own feelings of self-worth by cutting 'the little woman' down to size – irrespective of whatever it is that occurred to make him feel small in the first place.

But there’s also a calculation involved: whether or not he loves her, he desperately needs her, because he uses her to shore up his feelings about himself. So, he has to do his best not to drive her away; which is why he reverts back to loving mode… until the next time. And there always will be a next time - which will always be worse than before - because in order to get his payoff, he has to ‘up the ante’.

Over time, as he keeps knocking her down (psychologically and perhaps physically also), he becomes more confident that she won’t leave. With all the conflict she loses the energy and the sense of an independent self that she needs to leave. So the loving interludes become less necessary, for him, and less frequent.

And that’s where the hopium addiction comes in. He may still ‘mainline’ her just enough love to keep her locked in; or else she may be so starved that she stays, when she should have left long ago, still trying to get the ‘fix’ she needs; the fix, that she misguidedly believes, only he can provide.

The hopium addict is the woman who thinks that her partner loves her really, he just has difficulty showing it because he’s had a hard time. She believes that somehow it will all work out alright, they’ll find a way to live happily together ever after, the kids won’t be affected.

Unfortunately, hopium addiction is degenerative; like any other addiction, unless you get treatment, it will destroy you.

Annie Kaszina Specialist Women's Empowerment Coach and NLP Practitioner. Author of the ebook "The Woman You Want To Be"

hopeful4

You are correct. You can hope all sorts of things, however you have made the decision to set an expectation of yourself. You know you have to get out of what has become a bad situation and have the expectation your life will get better, and it will!!!

I think we just hope for the wrong things. I pray to God all the time for answers, I think he gives them to me over and over, I just want the answer to be different.

Tight Hugs.