Brolynbub

H my goodness, I feel like I've been hit by a truck...I just entered another argument. He woke me up after being at the club and then we started chatting and now I'm in tears while he says horrid stuff. Do they twist stuff? Like I end up going ballistic at him for him saying what a **** girlfriend I am how everything is always about me and I won't do anything he wants to do...like I know he's being horrible, that's not how I am...I perhaps showed him I loved him in different ways, but I know I did a lot for him. I argued with him, ranted and raved while he laughs at me saying "you have to wonder what you're doing that makes me not want to come home". Like what the hell. Then he criticises my career and what an idiot I m for doing what I'm doing...I'm devastated. I can't stop crying knowing how much he hates me. I really can't win with him...I can't get over the things he accuses me if, no matter what I say he just says but I didn't say that, you are not listening...oh my goodness, and he doesn't appear too drunk. He's just gone to smoke some marijuana though, so who knows what's going on :-( Meanwhile I'm going back to uni again tomorrow and my AP has knocked the wind completely out of my sails... I should add...I slipped a little on the weekend. I was asleep and he came in to the room and started having sex with me....I woke up and went oh and just let him go....then he came up to our holiday unit with me and my son and I took everyone out, spent a fortune cause it was prebooked and I didn't want to take back something I had already given him.... Anyway after him coming away he now tells me he did me a favour. That him coming was a favour to me...hold on, I didn't even want him to come...how does it come to this? I was doing so well with keeping him at a distance...I feel like absolute rubbish right now. He is beyond nasty right now and I don't know why. His reasons for all this meanness are petty.

Mountainmanbob

we all have to wonder at times
why is it that we return to the flame
only to be burned yet again ?

for now
I would return to the much distance between us mode

giving yourself some serious thought time
as we decide what is best for us
and
what seems not to be working

remembering -- it takes two (willing ones) for love to work

Mountainman

RevivingOphelia

You do realize this is sexual assault?


This, in addition to all the other abuse you are suffering by living with this person, makes me hope you leave this relationship and create a healthier life for yourself.

Ofelie

Yes they twist stuff, and yes they say such horrid things that strip you of your own self worth. They do this to hurt you because they themselves are hurting so bad inside they want everyone else to hurt too. At least I think that is how it goes. Whether he meant all that crap or not...I have heard all the same and its awful, I am so sorry honey, you deserve better. You are a beautiful person, inside and out and he simply does not deserve a woman like you. You can't try to win with him, don't even bother trying, its a waste of energy. Have you watched Hammer's Madea video about Letting People Go that is posted on here? Love yourself, honey. You are incredible and amazing and don't you EVER let anyone tell you different.

Brolynbub

I'm pretty disgusted myself over the sex the other night, I don't know how he thought it was ok, but his reasoning was "I never give him anything anymore so he was towey"...I don't know, if it was for a pure reason maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible, it's more that I was just a means to an end..
Despite everything he said last night in his drunk moments he wakes up this morning and gives me the silent treatment as though I have done something wrong. Right now and after last night and the things he said to hurt me, I just think I've fallen over that fine line between love and hate. I loathe him right now. He can leave with or without somewhere to go as far as I'm concerned. I just want him out of my life, I don't know if I am tough enough to take any more of his crap. I'm exhausted after last night and the past weekend and the emotional roller coaster I am on right now. I will think about it today and give him a definite date to be gone...he's not sponging off me any longer!
Thanks everybody for your kind words, it's what I needed x

AnvilheadII

brolyn, I don't know if I am tough enough to take any more of his crap. you don't need to be, just tough enough to NOT take it anymore and do what you gotta do! we're here for you!

Catherine628

Absolutely an alcoholic will twist things. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself. It's hard not to get drawn into the arguments. It took me forever to learn how to detach. They really know how to push your buttons. Don't beat yourself up over it.

My husband used to attack my career too. I would spend hours analysing our fights. Now I'm finally able to let it go. I had to move out and it was extremely painful but worth the peace.

Brolynbub

Thank you everyone for your support, I actually contacted a friend who I was not allowed to talk to while with AP and it feels good to talk to someone again. It's hard when you don't see or talk to any friends. I'm going to start focusing on what I want now. I'm thinking of giving him 2 weeks to get out. I think after last night he will be as willing for that as I am ;-)

ladyscribbler

I will think about it today and give him a definite date to be gone...he's not sponging off me any longer!

Keep us posted B. I'm rooting for you. Time to start taking care of YOU! You deserve so much better than this. Take care and stand firm, even if he starts promising the moon and stars and trying to manipulate you. You can see through his crap now, and you know that anything he says is nonsense to keep you on the hook.
Sending lots of strength your way. Hugs.

OnawaMiniya

Yes, they (alcoholics) twist things. Being an alcoholic interferes with living in a healthy, logical, and productive way. Therefore, alcoholics have to distort general reality to justify their drinking by pretending that it doesn't cause problems. They want to protect their ability to drink no matter what is happening. If there's "no problem" then why shouldn't they keep drinking? That's where their mind is at.

Clearly, their drinking IS a problem. Therefore they must distort reality and pretend that other things are "The Problem". (I should mention that they will often believe their own lies and distortions eventually. Even though the excuses they have are BEYOND RIDICULOUS AND NONSENSICAL, they want to keep drinking SO MUCH that they are willing to believe their own lies rather than put down the bottle.)

Once they have done this, not only have they asserted that their drinking isn't a problem; by making YOU "The Problem", they have also given themselves an excuse to go drink! If you haven't heard,"I drink because you are so (fill in blank here)" yet, be assured that at some point, you will hear it. Of course, this is untrue. He drinks because he's an alcoholic.

It's insanity. They desire to drink so much that in their mind this is the better alternative, compared to quitting.

He knows that, too. He's probably feeling sheepish and inferior that he isn't able to offer you enough, and rather than admit that outwardly, he is instead letting his insecurities get the best of him. So he puts you down to distract you, to make you think he "puts up" with a lot, that you don't do much for him, and that he isn't obligated to do much for you, in the hope that you won't catch on to the fact that he's falling miserably at loving in action (words are ultimately meaningless if the actions displayed don't match up). He wants to hold on to you, but he also wants to keep drinking.

Pretty rude to laugh at someone who he has pushed to the brink. This is, again, him making you "The Problem" to justify his crap behavior. He wants you, and he wants to drink. He wants both. If he can convince you that you are The Problem, he kills two birds with one stone. Weak behavior on his part at best, downright selfish and cruel at worst.

Do you like your career? Good. Then who cares what he thinks (easier said than done I know). He's just trying to undermine what you think, believe in, etc. He might also feel like a failure in his choice of career, so he's projecting that too make himself feel "better".

Do you regret your career? Then he's hitting you where he knows it hurts, to undermine you and make you question yourself. If he can make you question yourself enough, you just might start believing his bull sheet, he hopes. Then, he can drink and have you, too...he can have his cake and eat it, too.

He hates himself. He is projecting that on to you. Again making you The Problem. As long as HE'S not The Problem, then he can keep justifying his drinking, and furthermore, he can conveniently blame you. Cowardly behavior and you deserve better than that.

I remember when my husband first started with his insane accusations at me...it was so outrageous, so intense, and so bizarre that it kind of caught me off guard. I felt the need to defend myself. After a short while, I realized that he was full of sheet. He didn't actually believe those things about me. He was trying to get a rise out of me. Trying to throw me off balance. Trying, ultimately, to get me to question myself and doubt myself...because if he could break me, he could build me back up the way he wanted to...and just maybe, he could convince me his drinking was ok. Then he could have me, and his drink! Not falling for it, pal. He still drinks. He doesn't want to choose. But I'm sure he'd choose alcohol. I'm slowly getting everything together, and I will be leaving him as soon as I can. To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to stay even if he did get it together at this point. So much damage has been done. His cruelty is bottomless it seems.

You can't win with an alcoholic. They will stop at nothing to justify their bull sheet, to protect their ability to continue to drink, to break you down until you accept their drinking...this is his goal. Regardless if he is consciously plotting this or if he's just so lost in justifying his alcoholism that he can't see the pain he's causing you, this is his goal.

Alcoholics don't always appear super drunk. There are times my husband seems pretty clear, but doesn't remember things the next day; times where he's bleary eyed and stumbling around, slurring words, and remembers everything. I've also watched him slur words to me, get a call from work, and control his voice pretty remarkably - if you know him, you will be able to tell he's drinking, but if you don't know him so well, you might not know at all, or even suspect it. It's such a part of their life, they learn adaptations so they can continue drinking no matter the circumstances. They get in a lot of practice.

Is this because you are believing some of his bull sheet? If you believe the lies, if you take the abuse as truth, it is hard not to feel completely deflated. Even if you don't believe it, is still very stressful and it gets to you at times. Remember to take care of yourself, and work on remembering at all times that he wants to justify and continue his drinking so much that he will hurt you to protect his ability to carry on.


Totally disrespectful of him. To say he's crossing boundaries is putting it kindly. My husband has been guilty of being abusive sexually. I feel for you that it felt easier to give in to him. I really do. Big HUGS, honey.

He probably sensed that you didn't necessarily want him there, so he just flipped it, to inflate his ego and make him feel better.

As far as keeping him at a distance, only you can decide and take action regarding just how much of a distance you want to keep him at...up to and including completely out of your life.

Don't count on him changing. Base your decision on that. Yes, people do change, but years also fly by, and before you know it, too many years have been filled with indescribable pain. People do change, but in my experience, not many people change, and the ones that do don't always change enough.

Evolve would perhaps be a better word than change.

Good luck with the path you go down. Remember that you are worthy of love not only in words, but in actions as well.

Peace.

Brolynbub

I so appreciate the time everyone has taken in their responses, You are all so lovely and have helped me come to terms with all his behaviours. Thank you all so much x

Seren

Hello Brolynbub,

I'm sorry you had such a huge argument...that you got so mad and let yourself feel out of control again. It took me a long time to learn to not respond when someone, let alone someone who is an alcoholic, in my life 'throws out the bait', so to speak.

I hope you are feeling more centered and peaceful today. What sort of plans do you have for your own care and your own progress? How to take care of you today.....

Tamerua

You shouldn't have to be tough enough... And to take more isn't being tough. Change the locks. Take care of you and your kids. Hugs.

Pamel

This discussion has really made me think about my own bad behavior toward my bf when I have been drunk. There wasn't much yelling at him on my part (because I knew that would be the end) but how did I feel?

Sure I hated myself for drinking, and certainly I blamed him for everything, but I also hated myself for not having the guts to leave the relationship which had not been very good for me even when I was sober. In some strange way I think I was trying to provoke him into ending it, even as I was terrified he would.

…a complex mess. I am not excusing my drinking, but when you are alcoholic, and frustrated, without having made extensive changes, the first resort is always to drink (or drug).

There is the "fight or flight" analogy for human behavior under stress; they should add "hide".

If the bf had not stuck with me, I may have pulled out of the nosedive or I may have died even, or all the other negatives could have happened, but I should have been brave enough to end this relationship years ago. Now we are still together, and our relationship is "viable". Not young, I think we both choose now to make this work (although if I drink it is a given that I will leave). I am horrified at the years my alcoholism has stolen from me but much more horrified at what it has stolen from him. In order to move forward I have to remember that he had "choice" too, and although his choices were absolutely more noble and selfless, I find myself often wishing he had ended it.

All I can do now is try to recover the person I was when he met me and fell in love. In so doing, the dynamic is changing, and hey, this may be, still, some of the best years of our lives.

Brolynbub, all I am really saying to you is that you NEVER get time back; be very careful how you choose to spend it...

CodeJob

Brolynbub, you have had some really good comments above.

As someone dealing with early recovery with RAH, these holes in their mind and heart don't heal overnight. I don't think I have a dual diagnosis partner, I just think he numbed/bluffed his way and now there is still bewilderment,denial, fear and maturity issues. Even if your fellow quit today, there are issues with the core of who he is that will need to be addressed. He will still be a damaged person even if he works a program of recovery. As his partner, you will be sitting with a front row seat. The freaky thing is sometimes you will catch a shadow or a hint of what is wrong. You might want to chase it and excise it, but the recovering A might be in denial. So YOU see it, but they may not. And by now we know we can't fix them. We watch the shadow behind their eyes.

There's a certain way that As I have met refer to their divorced partner. She choose to leave they often say. The tone of their voice is not regret, but some weird tone that sort of implies look what they missed as I got sober. I so want to ask them about that first relationship. Because that is where I can learn. That is me. I am in the first wives club. I think what I am catching is that shadow behind the recovery veneer.

Peace and resolve to you.

Brolynbub

Onawa Miniya I think you hit the nail on the head when you said not to count on him to change. I think I hoped that he would for us. Actually that is why he moved in a second time, prior to moving in I had no idea how bad his drinking had been and how many issues it is creating. We discussed our previous issues and I believed we had put them behind us...I thought he had changed. I thought I had changed. Perhaps we had, but the minute any stress came around he reverted straight back to his previous habits...
I do love him, but I also hate him for so much of the time.
I often hear people say you need to end a relationship when the bad outweighs the good...unfortunately our entire relationship has been that way, so until it became what it is today where there is only bad I honestly knew no different. I thought there was something wrong with me because this relationship made me so unhappy. But it's only through connecting with people (like in this forum) that I've realised it isn't me. That this is not a healthy relationship.
I have so much healing to do...I dont know what avenue to take honestly. I dont know if al-anon is for me when I've made it clear that he is gone from my life.Is it mainly for people still in these relationships?

Seren

Hi Brolynbub!

Well, many people still attend Al-Anon even if the active alcoholic is no longer part of their lives, even if the active alcoholic is now a recovering alcoholic. Many people benefit from 12-step work in every aspect of their lives, others prefer counseling or cognitive behavioral therapy. I think that checking out a meeting is something you could do for yourself, and then decide. Do you have the resources to make counseling appointments?

Brolynbub

Thanks Seren, you know you're right I probably need to do it..there's obviously something about me that means I constantly attract or find attractive addicts. My last 2 relationships have been like this, I never like the "good" boyfriends. They're the ones who I run away from. Yes, I definitely need some help. I know uni offers counselling services. I wonder if it is available at a decent price? I'll check into it I think :-)

ladyscribbler

I have so much healing to do...I dont know what avenue to take honestly. I dont know if al-anon is for me when I've made it clear that he is gone from my life.Is it mainly for people still in these relationships?

I didn't start going to Alanon until I left my alcoholic relationship. I needed it because like you said- I still have those traits that make me attractive to alcoholics/addicts. As I learn more about codependency, I have discovered that these same traits will also attract sociopaths, people with personality disorders and pedophiles, just to name a few. Not something I want in my life!
I have also been doing individual counseling and doing both together has really helped me. A lot of the ladies in my Alanon group are no longer with their A's, though some are. Some are married to men who have been sober for years, and some are with husbands who are still actively drinking. You will be welcomed.
I can see from your posts that you're getting stronger every day. I'm so proud of you!
Stay brave and take care.

RevivingOphelia

How are you, Brolynbub?