changeneeded

I'm so confused.

I just hate how much I dislike my A. I have tried to seperate the two from one another and I just can't. Some days are okay and I think I'm going to be able to let go, and others I think wth???

He was doing so good and seemed to understand that when he is drinking, that I just can't stand to be around him. I told him.. your another person and I don't have it in me to do this. "I've tried it your way and I just can't anymore, I just can't."

For the first time in our years together (20 +) I knew he heard me. Honestly for the first time in our years together I felt we were on the same page. As if we were both headed in the same direction, and I would tell him that. "Its been so nice hanging out with you these past few weeks."

He thinks just because he is not harassing, antagonizing or manipulating everything should be okay. He doesn't understand that just the look in his eyes when he has a drink makes me ill. He thinks if he goes to the tv room and leaves everyone alone; all is well...

Surely he knows in his heart.

Our last blow out I asked him: " Be honest... if the situation was reversed, if I were drinking and creating chaos and tension would you still be with me, would you stick around?" Do you think he answered?

Thanks all, just needed to poor out my frustrations.

Be well all, have a great rest of the weekend.

BeYourself1

Hey there-

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. But, I'm glad you let it out here - we are here for you

I just wanted to chime in as I said a similar thing to my now XAF. In our second-to-last blow up (weird that I'm counting) I said, "if you told me that I was doing something that hurt you, I would stop in a second". Yeah, no response. Then, I demanded a response and all he could say was thank you and sorry. Pffff! I wish I could take credit for that thought, but someone on here said it to me and it struck a cord (which is why I remembered it during an argument).

So, while I have no advice, always know that you aren't alone

Hugs!

dandylion

Changeneeded.....think about it this way........You say that you "hate how much you dislike" his behaviors. Well--what if you DID like the look in his eye when he has had a drink; and, when he isolates and drinks in the tv room; and, when he harasses and antagonizes and manipulates......what if you did like all of that? Do you think that would make you normal or healthy?

It sounds like you would like to deny your own feelings in order to be able to comfortably live with the alcoholism (alcoholic behaviors).......

I'm just saying...

dandylion

lizatola

One thing I've learned about my own 'not liking my spouse' deal: I still have to learn to accept him AND his alcoholic behaviors. Acceptance is different, it means that you understand what you're dealing with, you have come to terms with who your spouse is and you accept that fact. In other words, if you choose to live with him and be in a relationship with him, etc then maybe you don't have to like it, but you might want to learn how to accept it.

There are days when it's easier than others for me, too. Hugs, I know it's hard but remember that you do have choices. You shouldn't have to force yourself to like it, that just makes for misery. Al Anon has helped me find happiness for myself even if I don't like my AH's behaviors.

redatlanta

I dont' understand the idea of accepting something you don't like - perhaps for a little while - but isn't life about changing what you don't like?

If I didn't like a job I would change it. If I didn't like anything I would change it. I can't change a drunk, but I can damn sure change whether or not I have to live them.

ladyscribbler

I can't change a drunk, but I can damn sure change whether or not I have to live them.

I had a lot of anger stored up, and I thought I was angry at my ex. Not to say that I wasn't, or that none of the anger at him was justified. But as I've been working my recovery, I've been processing that anger and realizing that a lot of it was anger at myself- for staying so long, enabling, putting up with abuse, accepting unacceptable behavior and all those codependent behaviors that went hand in glove with his disease.
Nothing I did could help him or change his behavior. He is still drinking, and his disease is progressing.
Mine is not. My residual anger is gone, because I've processed it instead of leaving it stuffed, and when I feel angry now it doesn't take over my head the way that it would have in the past. I allow myself to feel it, examine the source to see if I am truly angry at another, or if I have some part in it. I am able to see my ex as a sick individual, and I am able to take responsibility for my part in the relationship.
One of my favorite Alanon sayings is: Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. Sometimes I need a kick in the butt, and that saying does it for me.

changeneeded

Thanks Y'all, for not attending my "pity party".

As if... right?