SilentLove

Hi guys, I'm sure some of you already know about my ex fiancé's addiction. It hasn't been easy, not one bit. It's been one of the hardest things to accept. Can't say that I am over him as feelings are still lingering. I don't know how to let it go even though I know I need to. I have gone on 2 dates with the same guy but I honestly don't know if I'm just not interested or that I am not completely over my ex. What I do know is that after every date, I miss my ex even more.

My question for you guys is.. How do you really move on? How do you even begin to let another person in? the guy says I come off as very standoffish :/

AnvilheadII

I think you need to give yourself TIME without a male interest.....the next guy isn't gonna get you over the last one. you have to make peace with what happened, accept, forgive, let go. it's not fair to go out with someone new when you are still all tangled up in feelings for the x. you aren't doing yourself or him any favors.

zoso77

FWIW, this is not advice. This is how I'm dealing with my own situation.

I'm not back in the dating scene after being two years removed from my AXGF.

And I think what I've come to understand is my heart is capable of love. But at this moment in time, I'm not capable of trust in a romantic sense. Every time I think about getting back out there, I dismiss the idea. Right now, I don't want to answer to anyone and I don't want to change the way I'm living my life in order to allow another person in.

When that will change, I don't know. I don't spend an inordinate about of time thinking about it. Right now, I have career goals and other personal goals I'm focusing on. There's no room for a romantic interest.

As far as your situation goes, ultimately you have to be honest with yourself regarding where your headspace is.

ZoSo

SilentLove

Thanks Anvil. Some of my friends believe that " to get over someone you must get under another." :/

Mountainmanbob

it takes time
when you hit the right date
it will make it much easier to forget you ex

well to be honest
we don't wish to forget them
but
realizing that just because two people love each other
if they are not in a healthy relationship
they should not spend their lives together in some form of misery

there is still love in my heart for some in my past
but
I'm sure darn glad that I'm not married to them today

took time but I found the right one
that does not happen if we are with the wrong one
one must be single and dating as you are now

Mountainman

SilentLove

wow it's been two years and you haven't gone back into the dating scene? How is it so easy for addicts to go and allow themselves to be with other people when we are the normals one who can't even start to think about dating?!

maybe I should be like you and focus mainly on my career and other personal goals I want to achieve. however, my biological clock has already started clicking and I fear of not being "marketable" as I hit my 30s.

Thanks Zoso!

zoso77

Because addicts look for things outside themselves to make themselves happy. And what happens when the addict has to be a responsible, committed partner in a relationship? They can't do it. Addicts move on easily because the early part of a new relationship is easy: you f**k like mad and put on your best face. What happens when all that stops?

Well, men and women are different. Be honest about where you're at and what you need to be well. It's different for everyone.

ZoSo

Vale

Males are like streetcars.......there'll be
another one along in a minute.

Sara21

I once heard that being in a healthy relationship involves 2 people that are healthy themselves as individuals. Being with a person who is an active addict can really mess us up. Take time to heal, make peace with what happened and work on your own recovery. Be careful about relying on someone else to make you happy, fulfill your dreams, etc, because when we do that, we give someone else a lot of power and control over ourselves.
As far as the biological clock ticking, you want to make sure it's at the right time with the right guy. Otherwise, you (and the baby) will end up being tied to Mr. Wrong for the rest of your lives. Hang in there and take care of yourself

jjj111

SL, I did a lot of soul searching after I broke up with my AXBF to try to figure out what I could do differently in the future to avoid getting involved in another toxic relationship. I realized that I have a pattern of being attracted to relationships where the man wants to move quickly and sweep me off my feet. I found those quick-moving relationships intoxicating. But I also realized that by moving so quickly, I was missing a lot of red flags, and that actually men who enjoy moving so quickly often have issues that they are hiding and are in need of a thrill to forget their problems. These days, I am trying to move slower and just enjoy the process of getting to know someone. So I guess when you say that you don't feel head over heels after a couple dates, I see that as a good sign! Maybe you can try out just enjoying male company without hoping for love at first sight?

Vale

Hence the term 'fast and loose'. When someone is trying to put the
wool over your eyes it makes great sense to think clearly.
===========================================
Problem:

" I bring nothing to the table but 'game'. Anyone who is willing to
do 10 minutes of homework can quickly and easily find out that my BS
is just that......delusional wishful thinking about what I WISH my life
was"

Solution: "Dope" the subject by means of natural hormones so that
this VICTIM is singing my praises. Those who persist in pointing out
flaws and obvious inconsistencies are 'the enemy' (and probably jealous
of your newfound 'soulmate')

==============================================

The problem that brought me here was not an addict. The problem was ME.
I WANTED to believe what I was told.....had a 'need' (extremely unhealthy) to
'rescue' this person.

So you see (for me at least), the problem wasn't the addict. The problem was
turning off my 'BS detector' (willingly).......knowing from minute 1 that what I was
doing was as wrong for her as it was for me........a BAD idea.

BS detectors are a pain precisely because they are so goddamned reliable and
accurate. Maybe (at least subconsciously) we love the drama?

Think of how boring the movie Titanic would be if they had radar to transit the
icefields of the North Atlantic?

But I'm a senior Dad now. My daughter is starting the game of life 'for real'.
Her life choices have been solid and gratifying so far. Soon her choice of a mate
will loom large. As a loving Dad, my best advice will be.......

never,Never,NEVER turn your radar off!

(or turn it off and transit an ice field at high speed-----maybe you'll even luck out and
live.....(not likely!)......but it WILL be a thrill!!!!!)

-Russian roulette is never boring!